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Roosh V, Ever the Romantic, Seeks Human Female “Suitable for Reproduction”

Brace yourself, world! Roosh is planning to reproduce!
Brace yourself, world! Roosh is planning to reproduce!

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Great news, ladies! Pickup artist and rape legalization proponent Roosh Valizadeh has decided to take a wife, or at least a wife-equivalent! Might you qualify for the job?

In a blog post that is essentially the world’s longest and least enticing personal ad, Roosh lays out what he’s looking for in what he so poetically calls “a woman who I think would be suitable for reproduction (and not necessarily state-sanctioned marriage).”

Beldar Conehead could not have put it better!

Let’s go through the list of requirements.

You must be so young and inexperienced you don’t realize you could do better than Roosh

Roosh likes them young, specifying that his future wife or wife equivalent needs to be between the ages of 18 and 25. In part, he explains, this is because he wants someone with a fresh womb, etc, capable of popping out multiple children units.

But he also wants a woman who’s not “emotionally damaged,” which his way of saying “someone who’s never dated anyone better than him.”

[S]ingle women over 25 are emotionally damaged in some way, are alpha widowed, or are professional daters who are incapable of making the proper relationship sacrifice.

“Alpha widows,” in the Red Pill world, are women who look back fondly on men they’ve dated before.

You must not have had sex with anyone better than Roosh V

Ideally, Roosh would prefer a woman who’s never had sex with anyone at all, and who cannot, therefore, compare him to anyone else.

I … don’t want to marry a woman who has voluntarily accepted being used as a [censored by DF] dumpster by other men, or who kisses my child with lips that have been previously wrapped around many other …

We’ll just end that quote a little early, for decency’s sake.

He is, however, willing to wife up — or wife-equivalent up — women who’ve touched fewer than three other penises. As long as the dudes she previously dated were basically big losers.

For a woman who has had sexual partners before me, I must be the absolute best man she has ever been with in terms of appearance, personality, and resources. Otherwise, once the honeymoon is over and the relationship hits an inevitable low point, she will get a “Could I have done better?” itch and sabotage the relationship or test me to the point where I have to play “dread game” just to keep her in the kitchen.

In case you missed his main point, he spells it out as explicitly as he can:

There must be no doubt within her mind that I am the best that she could possibly get.

You should be pretty, but not so pretty that you think you can do better than Roosh

More specifically, you must be a 7 on the ten-point lady attractiveness scale. No other ratings are acceptable.

Thanks to technology and modern cosmopolitan society, a woman who is an 8 or above in beauty has been exposed to more toxic situations and experiences where she’s achieved some level of e-fame, been validated incessantly for her appearance, and been offered money, consumer products, and trips for her vagina (and likely accepted those offers).

I think he means that these terrible 8-point-or-higher women have traded sex for vacations, not that lovesick beta males have literally paid for these women’s vaginas to travel the world. But this is Roosh here, so who knows.

She has also fully utilitized her beauty to get her way in life, including prime seating for manipulating men for personal gain. Not only is such a woman harder to manage, but her entitlement is far higher. For a life partner I will purposefully aim lower than what I could get for casual sex.

So evidently it is fine for Roosh to think he could “do better” than his wife, but not vice versa.

The color of your skin must fit within acceptable parameters

Roosh, of Persian/Armenian descent, wants his future wife/wife equivalent to have a “skin tone … within two shades of myself.” So no Swedes, but also no one with skin much darker than his.

I would like to have kids that look like me, so I will not reproduce with a woman who is black, Asian, or Indian. Acceptable races are South American, Persian, Armenian, and European (non-Northern).

You should be feminine, submissive, and preferably not too smart or strong

Roosh likes his women like he likes his coffee, weak. (NOTE: I do not actually know how Roosh likes his coffee.) As he sees it, his ideal mate

should look and act like a woman and not try to compete with me in terms of mental or physical strength.

You should be happy staying at home with the kids while he procures some sort of super-enriched bread

Once the kids arrive, she should have no desire to pursue a pointless office career in place of taking care of our growing brood. …  her place will be in the home while I tirelessly work on my internet ebook hustle to bring home the bread that gives her everything she needs.

But Roosh won’t be a tyrant. While he specifies that he won’t “participate in more than 5% of household duties outside of home improvement,” his bride or bride equivalent will be allowed to have some hobbies, and possibly even a dog.

She may have some freedom to pursue hobbies like yoga or knitting … She can live a pleasant middle-class lifestyle that can even include dog and car ownership.

Sounds like paradise! Speaking of which:

You have to believe in some sort of god

Roosh, who doesn’t seem to have any religious beliefs of his own, as far as I can discern, requires that his future wife or wife equivalent be a believer herself. As he sees it, religious women are less likely to use the internet or get fat on him.

My experience shows that a woman who doesn’t believe in god has a value system taught to her by corporations and progressive degenerates. She will certainly be addicted to internet attention, alcohol, casual sex, material possessions, or food.

But don’t worry, gals. Roosh doesn’t specify WHICH god he requires you to believe in, so all you Baal worshipers should be ok!

You probably should live in some tiny Ukrainian village without internet access

As Roosh sees it, his requirements for the future mother of his children

are quite reasonable, and something that would have taken no more than a 6-month search two generations ago … .

Unfortunately, such women are hard to find these days, at least in places with actual sidewalks and electricity and so forth.

[B]ased on my last decade of intensive fornication, I’ve encountered maybe two girls who fit the bill, especially when it comes to girls being a virgin and eager to stay at home. Part of this reason is that most of my time hunting for women was spent in big cities where such values are rapidly disappearing.

So where in the world does Roosh think he might find the elusive girl of his dreams, reproduction-wise?

If I do want to have kids, I should immediately move, because I’m surely not getting any younger. The two countries that seem to best accomplish my list are Ukraine and Russia … .

Wait: IF you want kids?

Yep, if.

Because there’s one little catch, ladies. Roosh doesn’t actually want kids now. He’s just pretty sure he’ll be wanting some later.

While I can honestly state that I’m not crazy about having kids right now, I know that my desires can change and so I have to guess if I will want them within five years time.

So all you ladies older than 20 are pretty much out of luck — by the time Roosh gets around to actually wanting kids, you’ll be too old, an ancient crone of 25 years or older.

But if you’re between the ages of 13 and 20, with the proper color skin and no career aspirations, you still have a chance! All you need to do is to is to throw away your iPhone, strap on a chastity belt, move to some small town in Ukraine or Russia, and wait five years for Roosh to arrive.

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Argenti Aertheri
Argenti Aertheri
6 years ago

*gags* no, it wouldn’t. When a farm stirs its shit pit you can smell it a mile away, at least you can be in the same county as Roosh and not smell him.

…I hope… *gags again*

Bina
6 years ago

I would like to have kids that look like me, so I will not reproduce with a woman who is black, Asian, or Indian. Acceptable races are South American, Persian, Armenian, and European (non-Northern).

Does he even own a mirror? Because if I looked like him, I would definitely NOT want kids who looked like me!

Bina
6 years ago

My experience shows that a woman who doesn’t believe in god has a value system taught to her by corporations and progressive degenerates. She will certainly be addicted to internet attention, alcohol, casual sex, material possessions, or food.

Um, Roosh…you just basically admitted that you have no experience. At least, insofar as getting to actually know women as persons is concerned.

Shaenon
6 years ago

Oh my gosh, he’s looking for his settling soulmate!

Bina
6 years ago

Years ago, I read a news story about a man who had been arrested for peeping on women using a pit toilet at a festival. He was actually down in the pit, looking up, waiting for a woman to take a seat. My favorite comment on the story: “Suddenly, I feel better about my life choices.”

Now, thanks to Roosh, that man has somebody *he* can say that about.

Aaaaaaand I just laughed uncontrollably while throwing up in my mouth a little.

But yeah, I remember that dude. And I would have to agree.

Bananananana dakry
Bananananana dakry
6 years ago

@Bina

Roosh is living proof that the inside makes the outside utterly repellent. Objectively he wouldn’t be bad-looking (if he well, actually did things like bathe, groom, and wipe his ass) but the turdpile that is arguably his soul has leached outward, making him completely unwatchable. I can’t stand to look at him for more than a second. Having my nonexistent children share part of his DNA is up there with the sky being pink for comprehensibility.

Walter
Walter
6 years ago

Paradoxical Intention

What like being a reality TV star and sweeping incestuous pedophilia accusations under the rug?

Oh, those are the Duggars. I thought they were like the Romneys or something. I don’t pay attention to that reality TV stuff.

Shaenon
6 years ago

David left out the wonderful intro, in which Roosh argues that, however unrealistic he may be in his requirements for a brood mare, at least he’s not a woman:

It’s common in these parts to make fun of women for having a delusional shopping list when seeking out a mate, but is it possible that our lists for finding women are also unreasonable? I asked myself this question while constructing a list of requirements I need in a woman who I think would be suitable for reproduction (and not necessarily state-sanctioned marriage). I ask you, dear reader, if my list is as deranged as that of a woman’s.

Don’t worry: by the end of the post, Roosh concludes that his desire for a pale, dimwitted, low-muscle-tone Ukrainian teenage virgin who’s religious but happy to have out-of-wedlock children and who will never leave his shitty apartment is totally reasonable, unlike those delusional women with their impossible demands like “must wipe own ass” and “not a rapist.”

Are all of his posts these days about his loneliness and insecurities? The next one, “The Age That Men Peak,” is all about how he’s entered his declining years at the ripe old age of 36.

Frank Torpedo
6 years ago

I really hope Roosh goes to Russia and gets the shit kicked out of him by a cute, muscular Russian farmgirl with freckles and blonde hair.

Garen Truscott
Garen Truscott
6 years ago

Roosh V doesn’t need a female. The labs have already created Rooshs I through to IV.

Kat
Kat
6 years ago

@BritterSweet
Thanks for that really cute brain bleach.

I looked up the artist. Her bio is intriguing:

Joanna Davidovich was born in small suburb of Jacksonville Florida into a family of Ukrainian gymnasts. When it became apparent she could neither execute a back handspring, nor bear the minimum amount of body glitter required for competition, she fell back onto a talent for doodling sunglass-wearing flamingos and somehow made a career out of that.

Lurker
Lurker
6 years ago

Heads up for typo here:

>You must be so young and experienced you don’t realize you could do better than Roosh

Do you mean *in*experienced?

Also, awesome article! LOL@ Roosh.

dhag85
6 years ago

@RoscoeTCat

I read it! Fingie says thank you very much. He is also happy with the picture. 🙂

Malitia
Malitia
6 years ago

(Firs try commenting since the upgrades… see if it works)

So there is an ongoing MCU dark fic I’m reading occasionally, where poor Darcy Lewis has to help a pretty evil interpretation of Loki to reach Iceland while running from SHIELD. It’s dark it’s abusive etc. and I repeatedly joked that she is criminally underpaid with just twice her weight in gold (she asked for it as a joke and Loki took the offer).

Now compared to Roosh’s it looks like the better deal to me 😛

guest
guest
6 years ago

@Buttercup Q. Skullpants
@PI That is the worst baseball call ever.
It’s from The Naked Gun, apparently. XD

Oh…thank you…I am a complete sports imbecile and I swear I looked at that gif for a few minutes thinking ‘wait…is that right?’

scarlettpipstrelle
6 years ago

Robert, here’s an update on the guy you were thinking of. http://www.thedenverchannel.com/news/local-news/boulder-potty-peeper-luke-chrisco-gets-6-years-for-violating-probation02132015

He had a lot of plans, too, like starting a church. http://www.dailycamera.com/ci_18350945

Ghost Robot
Ghost Robot
6 years ago

The thought of Roosh as a parent is absolutely horrifying. I can’t imagine any woman raising a family with him, at least.

Still, ecccch.

EJ (The Other One)
EJ (The Other One)
6 years ago

This guy sounds like he understands his own requirements well. That’s admirable, really: so few people have given any real thought to their needs and have the introspection necessary toahahahaha hahaha ha. Sorry, I lost it there. I couldn’t keep a straight face at using the word “introspection” to describe Valizadeh.

Hahahaha. What a parody of himself. Oh my Katie, this is gold. Hah. Oh my. Nobody could write comedy this good.

Valizadeh, Valizadeh. You missed your calling in life. You should have been an absurdist performance poet.

Seriously though. This is amazing. This is literally beyond satire: if one of us had written this as a parody of Valizadeh, it would have come across as forced and overdone.

msexceptiontotherule
msexceptiontotherule
6 years ago

Technically dread game is doing things that make the person you’re romantically involved with or want to keep as one of the plates you’re currently spinning feel insecure regarding your having other options than them, the possibility that you might utilize this access to other options, and thus they bend over backwards to please and try to solidify your commitment to the relationship with them. Making someone worry that you might go have sex with someone else, flirting with others to make them feel insecure, not even necessarily going out and having sex with another person just making your g/f or wife feel that you have more options besides them and *might* utilize those options to get them to act certain ways and do things you want them to do is FUCKED UP, no matter what you call it – dread game or “I’m an asshole who wants to gaslight the woman I’m with romantically because I think that’s going to keep her around *and* doing what I want her to do”….still thoroughly and entirely fucked up.

Kat
Kat
6 years ago

Dread game: The name is as charming as the manosphere itself.

Nothing says I love you like the Game of Dread.

Scented Fucking Hard Chairs
Scented Fucking Hard Chairs
6 years ago

When you play the game of dread, nobody wins and you die alone.

Owen McLovely
Owen McLovely
6 years ago

If Roosh is such a great PUA (aka Sex Pest), how come he doesn’t show up at parties, flanked by lots of beautiful women like Leonardo diCaprio after Titanic? How come he’s not “Banging” in DC or Toronto? I mean, if I’m going to pay good money for his “Bang Guides” surely I should be able to pick up girls in my local watering hole and not have to travel half way round the world for a little action.

Has anyone seen even one picture of Roosh with a lot of women fawning over him (and I don’t mean a quick selfie)? Better still a video of him at a party where he doesn’t get beer poured over him. I haven’t.

If I could do a James Randi act and offer a million dollars to anyone who could prove that Roosh is scoring with lots of women, I bet my money would be pretty safe.

Frank Torpedo
6 years ago

@ Scented Fucking Hard Chairs

When you play the game of dread, nobody wins and you die alone.

Did you just predict Roosh’s future?

Are you a prophet? Can we go into the desert and worship you? Please! Tell us what to do! Our lives are rudderless, chaotic, and filled with existential dread!

Kat
Kat
6 years ago

@Frank Torpedo

Are you a prophet? Can we go into the desert and worship you? Please! Tell us what to do! Our lives are rudderless, chaotic, and filled with existential dread!

Mr. Torpedo, calm yourself. You must address these questions to Moocow. Despite the name, Moocow is the alpha male around here, owing to his impressive endowment.

Owen McLovely
Owen McLovely
6 years ago

A few years back I was in a hotel in Riga, Latvia, in the top floor restaurant, and the place was full of sex tourists. Middle aged men who thought they were still 20, bragging about the women they were going to pick up at the disco that night.

Never in my life did I experience such a bunch of creepy losers. I didn’t want to talk to them or even want to acknowledge them when I went up to the bar. I was with my girlfriend anyway. I felt really sorry for the local girls who have to put up with these creeps.

I love it when I read about another “poosy paradise” lost because all the wimmins got all westernized n stuff. What Roosh and pals don’t realize is that they are the ones that scared the women off in the first place.

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