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Roosh V, Ever the Romantic, Seeks Human Female “Suitable for Reproduction”

Brace yourself, world! Roosh is planning to reproduce!
Brace yourself, world! Roosh is planning to reproduce!

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Great news, ladies! Pickup artist and rape legalization proponent Roosh Valizadeh has decided to take a wife, or at least a wife-equivalent! Might you qualify for the job?

In a blog post that is essentially the world’s longest and least enticing personal ad, Roosh lays out what he’s looking for in what he so poetically calls “a woman who I think would be suitable for reproduction (and not necessarily state-sanctioned marriage).”

Beldar Conehead could not have put it better!

Let’s go through the list of requirements.

You must be so young and inexperienced you don’t realize you could do better than Roosh

Roosh likes them young, specifying that his future wife or wife equivalent needs to be between the ages of 18 and 25. In part, he explains, this is because he wants someone with a fresh womb, etc, capable of popping out multiple children units.

But he also wants a woman who’s not “emotionally damaged,” which his way of saying “someone who’s never dated anyone better than him.”

[S]ingle women over 25 are emotionally damaged in some way, are alpha widowed, or are professional daters who are incapable of making the proper relationship sacrifice.

“Alpha widows,” in the Red Pill world, are women who look back fondly on men they’ve dated before.

You must not have had sex with anyone better than Roosh V

Ideally, Roosh would prefer a woman who’s never had sex with anyone at all, and who cannot, therefore, compare him to anyone else.

I … don’t want to marry a woman who has voluntarily accepted being used as a [censored by DF] dumpster by other men, or who kisses my child with lips that have been previously wrapped around many other …

We’ll just end that quote a little early, for decency’s sake.

He is, however, willing to wife up — or wife-equivalent up — women who’ve touched fewer than three other penises. As long as the dudes she previously dated were basically big losers.

For a woman who has had sexual partners before me, I must be the absolute best man she has ever been with in terms of appearance, personality, and resources. Otherwise, once the honeymoon is over and the relationship hits an inevitable low point, she will get a “Could I have done better?” itch and sabotage the relationship or test me to the point where I have to play “dread game” just to keep her in the kitchen.

In case you missed his main point, he spells it out as explicitly as he can:

There must be no doubt within her mind that I am the best that she could possibly get.

You should be pretty, but not so pretty that you think you can do better than Roosh

More specifically, you must be a 7 on the ten-point lady attractiveness scale. No other ratings are acceptable.

Thanks to technology and modern cosmopolitan society, a woman who is an 8 or above in beauty has been exposed to more toxic situations and experiences where she’s achieved some level of e-fame, been validated incessantly for her appearance, and been offered money, consumer products, and trips for her vagina (and likely accepted those offers).

I think he means that these terrible 8-point-or-higher women have traded sex for vacations, not that lovesick beta males have literally paid for these women’s vaginas to travel the world. But this is Roosh here, so who knows.

She has also fully utilitized her beauty to get her way in life, including prime seating for manipulating men for personal gain. Not only is such a woman harder to manage, but her entitlement is far higher. For a life partner I will purposefully aim lower than what I could get for casual sex.

So evidently it is fine for Roosh to think he could “do better” than his wife, but not vice versa.

The color of your skin must fit within acceptable parameters

Roosh, of Persian/Armenian descent, wants his future wife/wife equivalent to have a “skin tone … within two shades of myself.” So no Swedes, but also no one with skin much darker than his.

I would like to have kids that look like me, so I will not reproduce with a woman who is black, Asian, or Indian. Acceptable races are South American, Persian, Armenian, and European (non-Northern).

You should be feminine, submissive, and preferably not too smart or strong

Roosh likes his women like he likes his coffee, weak. (NOTE: I do not actually know how Roosh likes his coffee.) As he sees it, his ideal mate

should look and act like a woman and not try to compete with me in terms of mental or physical strength.

You should be happy staying at home with the kids while he procures some sort of super-enriched bread

Once the kids arrive, she should have no desire to pursue a pointless office career in place of taking care of our growing brood. …  her place will be in the home while I tirelessly work on my internet ebook hustle to bring home the bread that gives her everything she needs.

But Roosh won’t be a tyrant. While he specifies that he won’t “participate in more than 5% of household duties outside of home improvement,” his bride or bride equivalent will be allowed to have some hobbies, and possibly even a dog.

She may have some freedom to pursue hobbies like yoga or knitting … She can live a pleasant middle-class lifestyle that can even include dog and car ownership.

Sounds like paradise! Speaking of which:

You have to believe in some sort of god

Roosh, who doesn’t seem to have any religious beliefs of his own, as far as I can discern, requires that his future wife or wife equivalent be a believer herself. As he sees it, religious women are less likely to use the internet or get fat on him.

My experience shows that a woman who doesn’t believe in god has a value system taught to her by corporations and progressive degenerates. She will certainly be addicted to internet attention, alcohol, casual sex, material possessions, or food.

But don’t worry, gals. Roosh doesn’t specify WHICH god he requires you to believe in, so all you Baal worshipers should be ok!

You probably should live in some tiny Ukrainian village without internet access

As Roosh sees it, his requirements for the future mother of his children

are quite reasonable, and something that would have taken no more than a 6-month search two generations ago … .

Unfortunately, such women are hard to find these days, at least in places with actual sidewalks and electricity and so forth.

[B]ased on my last decade of intensive fornication, I’ve encountered maybe two girls who fit the bill, especially when it comes to girls being a virgin and eager to stay at home. Part of this reason is that most of my time hunting for women was spent in big cities where such values are rapidly disappearing.

So where in the world does Roosh think he might find the elusive girl of his dreams, reproduction-wise?

If I do want to have kids, I should immediately move, because I’m surely not getting any younger. The two countries that seem to best accomplish my list are Ukraine and Russia … .

Wait: IF you want kids?

Yep, if.

Because there’s one little catch, ladies. Roosh doesn’t actually want kids now. He’s just pretty sure he’ll be wanting some later.

While I can honestly state that I’m not crazy about having kids right now, I know that my desires can change and so I have to guess if I will want them within five years time.

So all you ladies older than 20 are pretty much out of luck — by the time Roosh gets around to actually wanting kids, you’ll be too old, an ancient crone of 25 years or older.

But if you’re between the ages of 13 and 20, with the proper color skin and no career aspirations, you still have a chance! All you need to do is to is to throw away your iPhone, strap on a chastity belt, move to some small town in Ukraine or Russia, and wait five years for Roosh to arrive.

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Fashionistah
Fashionistah
6 years ago

I read Roosh occasionally. I recall that a couple of weeks ago he referred himself as a Moslem. WTF?

katz
6 years ago

His “growing brood?” Is he planning a zerg rush?

weirwoodtreehugger
6 years ago

At first I thought this post was delusional to get upset with.

Then I considered the possibility that he will be unable to find any consenting partner that fits his requirements and will wind up buying a trafficking victim and lets just say I’m glad there’s brain bleach in the thread.

Paradoxical Intention
6 years ago

@hippielady: HA.

My joke offerings:

– A Roman man walks into a bar. He holds up two fingers and says “Five beers please.”

– Another Roman walks into the bar and asks for a martinus.

“You mean a martini?” the bartender asks.

The roman replies: “If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it!”

– Literary jokes never get old. The painting in the attic does that for them.

– Why was WWI so quick? Because they were Russian.

Why was WWII so slow? Because they were Stalin.

– Where did Nicholas Romanov II get his coffee? Tsarbucks.

– What is the best alliance in history? Russia and the weather.

And my favorite:
http://41.media.tumblr.com/687c6a4a2cc9eabf52ab39a18a2359e1/tumblr_nxikcwjryx1tqsp3wo1_1280.jpg

But seriously, can we have more brain bleach? I need to repress the urge to vomit all over my keyboard.

zblongladder
zblongladder
6 years ago

Oddly, it doesn’t occur to him that he hasn’t encountered women who are eager to remain virgins and stay at home because they’re probably at home, not having sex.

Spinster Threat
6 years ago

Looks like the beginnings of promotional material for his next logical move into the foreign bride business.

Paradoxical Intention
6 years ago

Buttercup Q. Skullpants | December 12, 2015 at 5:38 pm
Not to brag or anything, but I already have a car, and a cat, and freedom to knit…plus I’m not being emotionally abused by an unkempt greaseball. Move over, Donald Trump. #iamtheonepercent

And I have the freedom to get a job, wear what I want, do what I want, eat what I want, and not go through the physical agony that is pregnancy, or the physical and mental agony that is being in a relationship with a gross human being that is Roosh.

And of course, I can learn to knit, re-learn how to sew, and do all kinds of crafty shit that could, in theory, earn me more money than Roosh’s “internet ebook hustle”.

Hell, I could get my own “internet ebook hustle”! With fantasy and no rape!

Of course, I’m 25, so

comment image

SAFE!

Anon
Anon
6 years ago

Hello Carbon-Based Younglings. I am looking for the matings and the reproduction. Shall we meet at your Yoo Mahn nourishing chamber?

ej
ej
6 years ago

Literary jokes never get old. The painting in the attic does that for them.

This is spectacular. I got a good laugh out of it. I’m not sure if this qualifies as brain bleach, but I’m going to leave it here any way.
http://www.litographs.com/collections/t-shirts/products/dorian-tee
My boyfriend is getting the Gatsby one for Christmas and I got War of the Worlds for myself. The company has partnered with the International Book Bank, so they donate a book for each order.

As for Roosh, I don’t think the woman he is looking for actually exists. On the plus side, I failed spectacularly at meeting his requirements. I’m too old. I’m agnostic. I’m working on a PhD and I’ve definitely had sex with men better than him. I know I could do better (and I have).

justlikeheaven
justlikeheaven
6 years ago

“Daddy what do you do for a living” said Roosh Jr.

“Well son I work on the E-Book Hustle”

RosaDeLava
RosaDeLava
6 years ago

…Does Roosh think some woman is going to bite, or is his sense of humor just really weird?

RosaDeLava
RosaDeLava
6 years ago

And as for brain-bleach, has anyone seen this?

Freddymurray
Freddymurray
6 years ago

@ Leda Atomica

And yet these guys have the nerve to accuse women of golddigging.

Typical.

RosaDeLava
RosaDeLava
6 years ago

And I apologize for spamming, but I just noticed that the post before this is about a guy complaining about women seeing men as “breeding stock”.

I like this post placement; very elegant.

sunnysombrera
6 years ago

I’m 27, have short hair, weigh more than 110 pounds even when skinny, and have a bit of an attitude when I’m riled. Methinks I’m also safe. Oh, and although I have never had a previous relationship or even had sex I’m already aware that I can do far better than Roosh. Sorry buddy, better pass me by. Me and my ancient, crumbling uterus according to your standards.

Kat
Kat
6 years ago

@dhag85
You made me laugh!

@Roosh, Roosh, Roosh
Of course you’re kidding us.

Any woman could do better than you.

Two happy-life plans for any heterosexual woman:

1. Find a man who is better — waaay, waaay better — than Roosh. Yay!

2. If all the great guys are taken, settle into a life devoted to whatever you choose to devote your life to. Yay! (Also, you never know when a great guy might become available.)

Pandapool -- The Species that Endangers YOU (aka Jackie; currently using they/their, he/his pronouns)
Pandapool -- The Species that Endangers YOU (aka Jackie; currently using they/their, he/his pronouns)
6 years ago

http://www.reactiongifs.com/r/hrk.gif

If he were the last man on the planet and I had to breed with him or allow the human race to die, I would sacrifice our entire species and avoid him like he was a walking Influenza farm. I’m not exaggerating, this is one of the most physically and mentally repulsive people I’ve ever had the misfortune of clapping my eyes on.

I think I would do more than avoid him. I mean, the human race is already dead, two of any animal cannot make a viable population, so really just make the end a little quicker and enjoy the rest of my life. Maybe finally go to Disneyland or compile my memories via pictograms for our successors or something.

Hippodameia
Hippodameia
6 years ago

Two generations ago, either of my grandmothers would have kicked him to the curb before he’d finished his second sentence.

Kat
Kat
6 years ago

Roosh pretends that matchmaking services aren’t available.

Of course, he’d never make it past the screening. But lots of guys do.

Cyberwulf
Cyberwulf
6 years ago

Ironically, pretty much Roosh’s only chance of having kids and the freedom to sit on his hole foostering on the internet all day is to marry a single woman nearing forty with lots of money who’s willing to put up with his nonsense because she desperately wants a baby. Pray that he doesn’t find her. Or any naive young girls who buy his crap. I would not want to be Mrs. Roosh when Roosh’s e-book tanks and they’re all crashing at sister’s place and he’s screaming that I never get off my fat ass and do anything.

Paradoxical Intention
6 years ago

ej | December 12, 2015 at 6:45 pm

Literary jokes never get old. The painting in the attic does that for them.

This is spectacular. I got a good laugh out of it. I’m not sure if this qualifies as brain bleach, but I’m going to leave it here any way.

http://www.litographs.com/collections/t-shirts/products/dorian-tee

My boyfriend is getting the Gatsby one for Christmas and I got War of the Worlds for myself. The company has partnered with the International Book Bank, so they donate a book for each order.

I’m not a fan of that design personally, but I do like how they donate a book for each order!

Anon | December 12, 2015 at 6:19 pm
Hello Carbon-Based Younglings. I am looking for the matings and the reproduction. Shall we meet at your Yoo Mahn nourishing chamber?

comment image

I would photoshop this to have Roosh’s face on it, but I’ve only eaten once today, and I’d very much like to keep it down.

Besides, I’m working on some kick-ass new Kaitou Saint Tail stuff for my Redbubble shop anyways.

Fabe
Fabe
6 years ago

I can’t wait for the day one of his victims comes forward with enough evidence to have him convicted

Viscaria
Viscaria
6 years ago

He’s talking like he thinks he will be able to find a woman willing to give up all autonomy and become his unpaid domestic servant/abuse victim, in exchange for, what, a car and a dog? I’m not sure there’s a person living who would consider that a good deal.

Buttercup Q. Skullpants
Buttercup Q. Skullpants
6 years ago

I shall not participate in more than 5% of household duties outside of home improvement

Now I’m picturing Roosh doing his share of the household chores: Scraping 1 grain of rice into the trash can, then putting the plate back on the counter. Carrying the new roll of paper towels 1/20 of the way to the sink. Folding one small washcloth* and leaving the rest of the laundry in a messy heap.

*I realize Roosh may not actually own a washcloth, but he might aspire to one as part of the middle class dog ownership lifestyle. Purely for show, of course.

@PI That is the worst baseball call ever.

sunnysombrera
6 years ago

@Fabe
Same. But I’m sure all of his victims are aware that if they try to report, Roosh will order his pack of loyal fanboys to doxx and harass them for eternity, perhaps worse. Even if he ends up convicted. His fans are one of the worst groups on the internet.

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