Categories
alpha males antifeminism gender policing men who should not ever be with women ever misogyny patriarchy penises PUA reactionary bullshit red pill return of kings rhymes with roosh vaginas

Roosh V, Ever the Romantic, Seeks Human Female “Suitable for Reproduction”

Brace yourself, world! Roosh is planning to reproduce!
Brace yourself, world! Roosh is planning to reproduce!

The We Hunted the Mammoth Pledge Drive is on! If you haven’t already, support this blog by donating through the PayPal button below. Thanks!

Great news, ladies! Pickup artist and rape legalization proponent Roosh Valizadeh has decided to take a wife, or at least a wife-equivalent! Might you qualify for the job?

In a blog post that is essentially the world’s longest and least enticing personal ad, Roosh lays out what he’s looking for in what he so poetically calls “a woman who I think would be suitable for reproduction (and not necessarily state-sanctioned marriage).”

Beldar Conehead could not have put it better!

Let’s go through the list of requirements.

You must be so young and inexperienced you don’t realize you could do better than Roosh

Roosh likes them young, specifying that his future wife or wife equivalent needs to be between the ages of 18 and 25. In part, he explains, this is because he wants someone with a fresh womb, etc, capable of popping out multiple children units.

But he also wants a woman who’s not “emotionally damaged,” which his way of saying “someone who’s never dated anyone better than him.”

[S]ingle women over 25 are emotionally damaged in some way, are alpha widowed, or are professional daters who are incapable of making the proper relationship sacrifice.

“Alpha widows,” in the Red Pill world, are women who look back fondly on men they’ve dated before.

You must not have had sex with anyone better than Roosh V

Ideally, Roosh would prefer a woman who’s never had sex with anyone at all, and who cannot, therefore, compare him to anyone else.

I … don’t want to marry a woman who has voluntarily accepted being used as a [censored by DF] dumpster by other men, or who kisses my child with lips that have been previously wrapped around many other …

We’ll just end that quote a little early, for decency’s sake.

He is, however, willing to wife up — or wife-equivalent up — women who’ve touched fewer than three other penises. As long as the dudes she previously dated were basically big losers.

For a woman who has had sexual partners before me, I must be the absolute best man she has ever been with in terms of appearance, personality, and resources. Otherwise, once the honeymoon is over and the relationship hits an inevitable low point, she will get a “Could I have done better?” itch and sabotage the relationship or test me to the point where I have to play “dread game” just to keep her in the kitchen.

In case you missed his main point, he spells it out as explicitly as he can:

There must be no doubt within her mind that I am the best that she could possibly get.

You should be pretty, but not so pretty that you think you can do better than Roosh

More specifically, you must be a 7 on the ten-point lady attractiveness scale. No other ratings are acceptable.

Thanks to technology and modern cosmopolitan society, a woman who is an 8 or above in beauty has been exposed to more toxic situations and experiences where she’s achieved some level of e-fame, been validated incessantly for her appearance, and been offered money, consumer products, and trips for her vagina (and likely accepted those offers).

I think he means that these terrible 8-point-or-higher women have traded sex for vacations, not that lovesick beta males have literally paid for these women’s vaginas to travel the world. But this is Roosh here, so who knows.

She has also fully utilitized her beauty to get her way in life, including prime seating for manipulating men for personal gain. Not only is such a woman harder to manage, but her entitlement is far higher. For a life partner I will purposefully aim lower than what I could get for casual sex.

So evidently it is fine for Roosh to think he could “do better” than his wife, but not vice versa.

The color of your skin must fit within acceptable parameters

Roosh, of Persian/Armenian descent, wants his future wife/wife equivalent to have a “skin tone … within two shades of myself.” So no Swedes, but also no one with skin much darker than his.

I would like to have kids that look like me, so I will not reproduce with a woman who is black, Asian, or Indian. Acceptable races are South American, Persian, Armenian, and European (non-Northern).

You should be feminine, submissive, and preferably not too smart or strong

Roosh likes his women like he likes his coffee, weak. (NOTE: I do not actually know how Roosh likes his coffee.) As he sees it, his ideal mate

should look and act like a woman and not try to compete with me in terms of mental or physical strength.

You should be happy staying at home with the kids while he procures some sort of super-enriched bread

Once the kids arrive, she should have no desire to pursue a pointless office career in place of taking care of our growing brood. …  her place will be in the home while I tirelessly work on my internet ebook hustle to bring home the bread that gives her everything she needs.

But Roosh won’t be a tyrant. While he specifies that he won’t “participate in more than 5% of household duties outside of home improvement,” his bride or bride equivalent will be allowed to have some hobbies, and possibly even a dog.

She may have some freedom to pursue hobbies like yoga or knitting … She can live a pleasant middle-class lifestyle that can even include dog and car ownership.

Sounds like paradise! Speaking of which:

You have to believe in some sort of god

Roosh, who doesn’t seem to have any religious beliefs of his own, as far as I can discern, requires that his future wife or wife equivalent be a believer herself. As he sees it, religious women are less likely to use the internet or get fat on him.

My experience shows that a woman who doesn’t believe in god has a value system taught to her by corporations and progressive degenerates. She will certainly be addicted to internet attention, alcohol, casual sex, material possessions, or food.

But don’t worry, gals. Roosh doesn’t specify WHICH god he requires you to believe in, so all you Baal worshipers should be ok!

You probably should live in some tiny Ukrainian village without internet access

As Roosh sees it, his requirements for the future mother of his children

are quite reasonable, and something that would have taken no more than a 6-month search two generations ago … .

Unfortunately, such women are hard to find these days, at least in places with actual sidewalks and electricity and so forth.

[B]ased on my last decade of intensive fornication, I’ve encountered maybe two girls who fit the bill, especially when it comes to girls being a virgin and eager to stay at home. Part of this reason is that most of my time hunting for women was spent in big cities where such values are rapidly disappearing.

So where in the world does Roosh think he might find the elusive girl of his dreams, reproduction-wise?

If I do want to have kids, I should immediately move, because I’m surely not getting any younger. The two countries that seem to best accomplish my list are Ukraine and Russia … .

Wait: IF you want kids?

Yep, if.

Because there’s one little catch, ladies. Roosh doesn’t actually want kids now. He’s just pretty sure he’ll be wanting some later.

While I can honestly state that I’m not crazy about having kids right now, I know that my desires can change and so I have to guess if I will want them within five years time.

So all you ladies older than 20 are pretty much out of luck — by the time Roosh gets around to actually wanting kids, you’ll be too old, an ancient crone of 25 years or older.

But if you’re between the ages of 13 and 20, with the proper color skin and no career aspirations, you still have a chance! All you need to do is to is to throw away your iPhone, strap on a chastity belt, move to some small town in Ukraine or Russia, and wait five years for Roosh to arrive.

246 Comments
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
EJ (The Other One)
EJ (The Other One)
6 years ago

Moocow may be the alpha male, but there is no Katie but Katie, and SFHC is her prophet.

bluecat
bluecat
6 years ago

Just out of curiosity, what is “professional dating” and what are the current rates?

I’m assuming he doesn’t mean “escorting”.

But – sigh – all that energy expended on defining the kind of woman worthy to reproduce with him (or worthy to hang around pointlessly until he decides she’s not good enough) he never once asks whether he is good enough to be a father to children.

Probably cos the answer is really, really obvious.

Jack Graham
6 years ago

Could this guy make it any clearer that he’s an insecure inadequate whose intense feelings of low self-esteem are translated into towering narcissism as a defence mechanism? I mean, I was going to say that his ‘pitch’ for a slave/wife/babymaker reads like someone consciously satirising an insecure narcissist, but it actually reads more like someone satirising reductionist psychobabble about how all narcissists suffer from feelings of inadequacy… except that reductionist psychobabble perfectly captures this real man’s real neuroses! He’s that banal! If he weren’t such a loathsome smear of rape-advocating excrement, you’d almost feel embarrassed on his behalf for making such a pitiful, ludicrous public exhibition of himself, apparently without any self-awareness. Almost.

ThusBloggedAnderson
6 years ago

Perfect expression on that Madonna’s face. Our Lady of GamerGate.

Leda Atomica
Leda Atomica
6 years ago

I just finished knitting my second dress this year. Is this too much knitting? Do I have to give away my dog or just never get my own car?

(Wish I could post a pic here, will find a way later.)

AltoFronto
AltoFronto
6 years ago

Eurgh.

He’s so insecure, it would be pathetic if it weren’t so stomach-churning.
He’s not even alpha by his own standards. Or is Beta the new Alpha according to NeoMasculine Theory? I don’t even.

If women are used up after having sex, why does he think he’s not damaged goods? Didn’t he have genital warts (molloscum contagiosum) at one point?

Yeah, the women of the world could fashion husbands out of rotten meat and still be doing better than you, Doosh.

Buttercup Q. Skullpants
Buttercup Q. Skullpants
6 years ago

But – sigh – all that energy expended on defining the kind of woman worthy to reproduce with him (or worthy to hang around pointlessly until he decides she’s not good enough) he never once asks whether he is good enough to be a father to children.

That’s because he has zero interest in actually being a father. To him, kids are little DNA vessels and “I’ve had sex” merit badges, nothing more. Raising kids requires hard work, unconditional love, and self-sacrifice, concepts that are utterly foreign to Roosh. There’s no way he’d be able to cope with self-centered, demanding toddlers, not when he insists on being center stage at all times. He’s the Taking Tree rather than the Giving Tree.

Nope, kids are “women’s work”. His wife will put in all the hard labor of birthing them, changing diapers, midnight feedings, sitting up with them when they’re sick or fussy, wiping, bathing, dressing, soothing, scolding, cuddling, socializing, doing laundry, and picking up their toys. Roosh will show up once a day for five minutes to demand his alpha respect tribute from the kids, then disappear again to do his valuable work fleecing racist misogynists out of money. When the kids act up or aren’t sufficiently deferential, he’ll use dread game on them, too.

After twenty years, the kids will want nothing to do with him, and the “Cat’s In The Cradle” cycle will be complete.

Arctic Ape
Arctic Ape
6 years ago

A Roman man walks into a bar. He holds up two fingers and says “Five beers please.”

A ragged-looking man walks into a country tavern in southern Italy. He’s got this unmistakeable aura of someone who’s died a horrific death a couple thousand years ago and then come back to life. He greets the owner with an “Ave” and holds up two fingers. You can clearly see a crucifixion wound in his wrist.

The tavern owner quickly gets on his knees before the man and says, “This will be the greatest honor in my life! What brings you here, Lord Christ?”

“I just want two beers”, the man says wearily. “And for the last time, I AM SPARTACUS”

Moggie
Moggie
6 years ago

So the lucky winner must be a 7 and must have a skin colour within two shades of Roosh. It’s weird how PUAs always act as if their arbitrary scales are objective fact. At least give us some Pantone numbers, man!

Tyra Lith
Tyra Lith
6 years ago

For a woman who has had sexual partners before me, I must be the absolute best man she has ever been with in terms of appearance, personality, and resources.

What about a woman who hasn’t slept with a man but has used vibrators? In terms of appearance, personality and resources those things in general are way above everything Roosh has to offer.

Scented Fucking Hard Chairs
Scented Fucking Hard Chairs
6 years ago
WeeBoy
WeeBoy
6 years ago

There’s a guy at my rugby club who looks almost exactly like Roosh. It’s legit creepy. This guy is Russian, gay, and certainly a much better human being but the resemblance weirds me out.

OH GOD NO PLEASE DON'T
OH GOD NO PLEASE DON'T
6 years ago

“Roosh is planning to reproduce!”

NO. NO. FUCKING NO.

If this is real life, I want Roosh’s reproduction plans foiled at all costs.

BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY.

Latte Cat
Latte Cat
6 years ago

She may have some freedom to pursue hobbies like yoga or knitting … She can live a pleasant middle-class lifestyle that can even include dog and car ownership.

comment image

Fruitloopsie
Fruitloopsie
6 years ago

http://memesvault.com/wp-content/uploads/No-Cat-Meme-19.gif
Dating/marrying doosh is like sticking your hand in a shark’s mouth, robbing a police station or having fire near a gas pump. It’s not smart at all. I’m glad I got my hair cut and I’m almost 25 just 4 more years to go and I’ll be safe.

Buttercup Q Skullpants

After twenty years, the kids will want nothing to do with him

And then doosh be crying like so many other abusers do “why do the kids hate me? Females are all the same! They don’t know how to raise kids! Feminists are brainwashing kids to hate their fathers!” Etc etc etc.

mockingbird
mockingbird
6 years ago

@SFHC: That’s beautiful.

There had been an online GLaDOS voice emulator, bit it appears to have been down for some time.

I was going to suggest I make sound files of the 10 Katiemandments, but that might have to wait for someone with more audio design knowledge than me.

ColeYote
ColeYote
6 years ago

For a woman who has had sexual partners before me, I must be the absolute best man she has ever been with in terms of appearance, personality, and resources.

Okay, well that probably rules out basically every woman who has ever voluntarily had sex.

should look and act like a woman and not try to compete with me in terms of mental or physical strength.

I agree that nobody should try to compete with Roosh in terms of mental strength.

mildlymagnificent
mildlymagnificent
6 years ago

he never once asks whether he is good enough to be a father to children.

That’s the killer for me. He talks about whether a woman might be suitable to reproduce with. And what’s he going to do with the offspring once they’re here?

He’s going to spend his time online apparently. No mention of taking kids to the park-beach-playground or teaching them craft or reading or how to kick or catch a ball. No mention of bragging opportunities when his kids learn to “swim” ahead of all the other babes in arms at the learn to swim nursery. No mention of train sets or putting a trike or a playhouse together at midnight on Xmas Eve. No mention of having fun.

I confess we didn’t talk about having fun with kids before we had them, but that’s because we’re pretty normal people who took that as part of the deal. You get the work and the heartache, and you also get your fair share of side-splittingly funny moments as well as large soothing doses of smiling contentment.

EJ (The Other One)
EJ (The Other One)
6 years ago

What would the ten Katiemandments be? Would they be directly from Katie or would M be able to ‘reinterpret’ them into something more Pokemon-related?

Cerberus
Cerberus
6 years ago

I think one thing is very interesting about Roosh and it’s how much he spells out the toxicity of that form of masculinity. I mean, he’s illustrating every abusive partner ever and their demands from women and who he’s targeting for exploitation. It’s just him going, I want a really young woman who doesn’t know much about dating and so is more likely to believe my rapey, porn-filled, abuse rants about what marriage is like and then she can change my poopy underwear and raise my kids and I can continue to mistreat and sleep around on her.

Tovius
Tovius
6 years ago

The only way I would want to see Roosh having kids if it were like that chestburster scene from Aliens.

@SFHC OMG! That picture is gold!

newbie
newbie
6 years ago

mildlymagnificent:

He’s going to spend his time online apparently.

Don’t forget bangin’ around, or rather wasting time on trying. That’s his only “skill,” apart from typing up his degenerate thoughts online for public consumption.

Lea
Lea
6 years ago

So a woman should be willing to concieve, gestate, birth and care for several children at the exclusion of all other pusuits should Doosh desire it, but also willing to forgo motherhood entirely should decide she should? She should be willing to marry him, but not actually care if she ever marries the man she “saved herself” for? She shouldn’t mind that he is choosing to be with someone he sees as beneath him in every way just so he can treat her like garbage be a use it makes him feel slightly less pathetic. He cannot think of women as people,
can he?

Moocow
6 years ago

Buttercup Q. Skullpants

Says the dude who is loudly, hopelessly addicted to internet attention and casual sex. His entire life revolves around getting laid and click bait.

I figured his “no internet” rule was because he doesn’t want his ‘bride to be’ to be able to see his internet reputation or the repulsive shit he writes.

“Oh hey, what are you working on today, Roosh?”

“It’s my next hit piece: ‘Why women are not people'”

Fred_the_Dog
Fred_the_Dog
6 years ago

Why on earth does this self-involved baby want children? I don’t think he realizes they are not possessions and require quite a lot of work.

And may I just add here, that my oldest child just graduated from Nurse Practitioner school after working towards this degree for 10 years? So proud of her!

1 3 4 5 6 7 10
%d bloggers like this: