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Roosh V, Ever the Romantic, Seeks Human Female “Suitable for Reproduction”

Brace yourself, world! Roosh is planning to reproduce!
Brace yourself, world! Roosh is planning to reproduce!

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Great news, ladies! Pickup artist and rape legalization proponent Roosh Valizadeh has decided to take a wife, or at least a wife-equivalent! Might you qualify for the job?

In a blog post that is essentially the world’s longest and least enticing personal ad, Roosh lays out what he’s looking for in what he so poetically calls “a woman who I think would be suitable for reproduction (and not necessarily state-sanctioned marriage).”

Beldar Conehead could not have put it better!

Let’s go through the list of requirements.

You must be so young and inexperienced you don’t realize you could do better than Roosh

Roosh likes them young, specifying that his future wife or wife equivalent needs to be between the ages of 18 and 25. In part, he explains, this is because he wants someone with a fresh womb, etc, capable of popping out multiple children units.

But he also wants a woman who’s not “emotionally damaged,” which his way of saying “someone who’s never dated anyone better than him.”

[S]ingle women over 25 are emotionally damaged in some way, are alpha widowed, or are professional daters who are incapable of making the proper relationship sacrifice.

“Alpha widows,” in the Red Pill world, are women who look back fondly on men they’ve dated before.

You must not have had sex with anyone better than Roosh V

Ideally, Roosh would prefer a woman who’s never had sex with anyone at all, and who cannot, therefore, compare him to anyone else.

I … don’t want to marry a woman who has voluntarily accepted being used as a [censored by DF] dumpster by other men, or who kisses my child with lips that have been previously wrapped around many other …

We’ll just end that quote a little early, for decency’s sake.

He is, however, willing to wife up — or wife-equivalent up — women who’ve touched fewer than three other penises. As long as the dudes she previously dated were basically big losers.

For a woman who has had sexual partners before me, I must be the absolute best man she has ever been with in terms of appearance, personality, and resources. Otherwise, once the honeymoon is over and the relationship hits an inevitable low point, she will get a “Could I have done better?” itch and sabotage the relationship or test me to the point where I have to play “dread game” just to keep her in the kitchen.

In case you missed his main point, he spells it out as explicitly as he can:

There must be no doubt within her mind that I am the best that she could possibly get.

You should be pretty, but not so pretty that you think you can do better than Roosh

More specifically, you must be a 7 on the ten-point lady attractiveness scale. No other ratings are acceptable.

Thanks to technology and modern cosmopolitan society, a woman who is an 8 or above in beauty has been exposed to more toxic situations and experiences where she’s achieved some level of e-fame, been validated incessantly for her appearance, and been offered money, consumer products, and trips for her vagina (and likely accepted those offers).

I think he means that these terrible 8-point-or-higher women have traded sex for vacations, not that lovesick beta males have literally paid for these women’s vaginas to travel the world. But this is Roosh here, so who knows.

She has also fully utilitized her beauty to get her way in life, including prime seating for manipulating men for personal gain. Not only is such a woman harder to manage, but her entitlement is far higher. For a life partner I will purposefully aim lower than what I could get for casual sex.

So evidently it is fine for Roosh to think he could “do better” than his wife, but not vice versa.

The color of your skin must fit within acceptable parameters

Roosh, of Persian/Armenian descent, wants his future wife/wife equivalent to have a “skin tone … within two shades of myself.” So no Swedes, but also no one with skin much darker than his.

I would like to have kids that look like me, so I will not reproduce with a woman who is black, Asian, or Indian. Acceptable races are South American, Persian, Armenian, and European (non-Northern).

You should be feminine, submissive, and preferably not too smart or strong

Roosh likes his women like he likes his coffee, weak. (NOTE: I do not actually know how Roosh likes his coffee.) As he sees it, his ideal mate

should look and act like a woman and not try to compete with me in terms of mental or physical strength.

You should be happy staying at home with the kids while he procures some sort of super-enriched bread

Once the kids arrive, she should have no desire to pursue a pointless office career in place of taking care of our growing brood. …  her place will be in the home while I tirelessly work on my internet ebook hustle to bring home the bread that gives her everything she needs.

But Roosh won’t be a tyrant. While he specifies that he won’t “participate in more than 5% of household duties outside of home improvement,” his bride or bride equivalent will be allowed to have some hobbies, and possibly even a dog.

She may have some freedom to pursue hobbies like yoga or knitting … She can live a pleasant middle-class lifestyle that can even include dog and car ownership.

Sounds like paradise! Speaking of which:

You have to believe in some sort of god

Roosh, who doesn’t seem to have any religious beliefs of his own, as far as I can discern, requires that his future wife or wife equivalent be a believer herself. As he sees it, religious women are less likely to use the internet or get fat on him.

My experience shows that a woman who doesn’t believe in god has a value system taught to her by corporations and progressive degenerates. She will certainly be addicted to internet attention, alcohol, casual sex, material possessions, or food.

But don’t worry, gals. Roosh doesn’t specify WHICH god he requires you to believe in, so all you Baal worshipers should be ok!

You probably should live in some tiny Ukrainian village without internet access

As Roosh sees it, his requirements for the future mother of his children

are quite reasonable, and something that would have taken no more than a 6-month search two generations ago … .

Unfortunately, such women are hard to find these days, at least in places with actual sidewalks and electricity and so forth.

[B]ased on my last decade of intensive fornication, I’ve encountered maybe two girls who fit the bill, especially when it comes to girls being a virgin and eager to stay at home. Part of this reason is that most of my time hunting for women was spent in big cities where such values are rapidly disappearing.

So where in the world does Roosh think he might find the elusive girl of his dreams, reproduction-wise?

If I do want to have kids, I should immediately move, because I’m surely not getting any younger. The two countries that seem to best accomplish my list are Ukraine and Russia … .

Wait: IF you want kids?

Yep, if.

Because there’s one little catch, ladies. Roosh doesn’t actually want kids now. He’s just pretty sure he’ll be wanting some later.

While I can honestly state that I’m not crazy about having kids right now, I know that my desires can change and so I have to guess if I will want them within five years time.

So all you ladies older than 20 are pretty much out of luck — by the time Roosh gets around to actually wanting kids, you’ll be too old, an ancient crone of 25 years or older.

But if you’re between the ages of 13 and 20, with the proper color skin and no career aspirations, you still have a chance! All you need to do is to is to throw away your iPhone, strap on a chastity belt, move to some small town in Ukraine or Russia, and wait five years for Roosh to arrive.

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Walter
Walter
6 years ago

MexicanHotChocolate

The Duggars would probably require him to get a real job. Not this ridiculous “e-book hustle”.

Skull
Skull
6 years ago

If he’s going to be that controlling he shouldn’t let his blushing bride knit. Some of my knitting needles make pretty good stabbing implements.

Argenti Aertheri
6 years ago

My favorite terrible joke?

What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot!

Pandapool -- The Species that Endangers YOU (aka Jackie; currently using they/their, he/his pronouns)
Pandapool -- The Species that Endangers YOU (aka Jackie; currently using they/their, he/his pronouns)
6 years ago

My favorite terrible joke?

What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot!

http://38.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_ma4azry8DV1qan6iio1_500.gif

Sissy
Sissy
6 years ago

*surfs to front page*

*reads title*

NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE!!!

*bicycles the heck away*

Kat
Kat
6 years ago

OT but it’s totally worth it to hear the amazingly good news from Paris — the best news planet Earth could get.

I just got an email from Avaaz: “We did it! — A turning point in human history”:

World leaders at the UN climate talks have just set a landmark goal that can save everything we love! This is what we marched for, what we signed, called, donated, messaged, and hoped for: a brilliant and massive turning point in human history.

Climate March
It’s called net-zero human emissions — a balancing of what we release into the air and what is taken out — and when the dust settles and the Paris Agreement is in the hands of lawmakers, clean energy will be the best, cheapest, and most effective way to keep their promise. This gives us the platform we need to realize the dream of a safe future for generations!

Buttercup Q. Skullpants
Buttercup Q. Skullpants
6 years ago

@Cyberwulf

Ironically, pretty much Roosh’s only chance of having kids and the freedom to sit on his hole foostering on the internet all day is to marry a single woman nearing forty with lots of money who’s willing to put up with his nonsense because she desperately wants a baby. Pray that he doesn’t find her.

Single women with lots of money who are nearing forty are probably much more likely to turn to a sperm bank or trusted friend than get quickly hitched to a nomadic reactionary petri dish just for the sake of appearances. Also, career women and women over 25 are kryptonite to Roosh.

I guess Roosh is envisioning some naive, dirt-poor peasant who he can impress with his four-figure bang book income. It’s sickening, really, these bottom of the barrel men who insist on being worshipped as gods. Roosh knows he’s not that impressive and that’s why he has to find a woman with absolutely nothing going for her: no education, no money, no prospects, no network of family and friends looking out for her. She must not be emotionally damaged, of course, because Roosh wants to be the one to inflict emotional damage on her. But at the same time, she must be vulnerable.

a value system taught by….degenerates….addicted to internet attention, alcohol, casual sex, material possessions, or food…

Says the dude who is loudly, hopelessly addicted to internet attention and casual sex. His entire life revolves around getting laid and click bait.

If he goes searching for a bride among traditionally religious families who value chastity, they’re going to boot him to the curb as a degenerate.

Robert
Robert
6 years ago

Years ago, I read a news story about a man who had been arrested for peeping on women using a pit toilet at a festival. He was actually down in the pit, looking up, waiting for a woman to take a seat. My favorite comment on the story: “Suddenly, I feel better about my life choices.”

Now, thanks to Roosh, that man has somebody *he* can say that about.

katz
6 years ago

Years ago, I read a news story about a man who had been arrested for peeping on women using a pit toilet at a festival. He was actually down in the pit, looking up, waiting for a woman to take a seat.

…Did he get busted when he came back up covered in feces? It seems like there’s no graceful way to get out of that situation.

newbie
newbie
6 years ago

Ok, that was hilarious, in a profoundly messed up way. Every sentence in his… matrimonial manifesto screams WTF?! when one knows that this is not written for The Onion.

This man’s disconnect from reality is staggering.

Paradoxical Intention
6 years ago

Buttercup Q. Skullpants | December 12, 2015 at 7:58 pm
@PI That is the worst baseball call ever.

It’s from The Naked Gun, apparently. XD

Walter | December 12, 2015 at 8:14 pm
MexicanHotChocolate

The Duggars would probably require him to get a real job. Not this ridiculous “e-book hustle”.

What like being a reality TV star and sweeping incestuous pedophilia accusations under the rug?

Skull | December 12, 2015 at 8:18 pm
If he’s going to be that controlling he shouldn’t let his blushing bride knit. Some of my knitting needles make pretty good stabbing implements.

This is one of my favorite family stories that I’ve most likely told before, but I’m going to do it again as is relevant:

When my grandma and grandpa got married way back in the day, my grandma told grandpa: “You may hit me, and I won’t be able to fight back, but if you do, don’t you ever go to sleep around me.”

And until the day he died, rest his soul, he never laid a hand on her.

I wouldn’t lay a hand on a woman with a sizable cast-iron skillet collection and who knew where I slept either.

Snow Leopard
Snow Leopard
6 years ago

Oh, Rooshy. All I have to say is best of luck in finding a woman who is going to put up with your bullshit, asshole.

By best of luck, I mean I hope you fail. No woman deserves that kind of punishment.

History Nerd
History Nerd
6 years ago

I thought Roosh might have a chance at a career if he went back to school and got a graduate degree in something related to microbiology. But he apparently failed to get a job in that field when the job market was relatively good, so I doubt he did well in undergraduate (though that’s the least of his problems).

Beth
Beth
6 years ago

I read the original post and through my loathing it’s difficult for me not to feel pity for this guy. He admits that he’s a huge loser and probably a terrible lay (seeking virgin who doesn’t know from good sex who will think my pee-pee is gold!). He is incapable of keeping a partner through means other than “dread game”, whatever the hell that is, and he laments the strong independent women of Poland because they are smarter and better than him in every way. I think most humans on the planet are smarter and better than him in every way and he must be constantly reminded of his inferiority by merely crossing the street. These MRA jack offs are nothing but whiny brats who know they’re losers who can’t snag a normal partner so they make up a fantasy woman that can never be attained. Then, when she doesn’t exist or won’t give them the time of day they can whine about being incels. It’s pathetic. Roosh- you’re pathetic and boring. Your pee-pee is not gold. You’re a washed up loser bigot who is rapidly losing any relevance.

epitome of incomprehensibility

Roosh likes his women like he likes his coffee, weak. (NOTE: I do not actually know how Roosh likes his coffee.)

For some reason this made me snort with laughter. (Also, I know I’m late to the party, but I like the new site design!)

So, anyway, Roosh says he doesn’t want a woman who tries to compete with him in “physical or mental strength.” Okay, but what does he even mean by mental strength? Fortitude? (She’d need it.) Intelligence? Telekinesis, like Matilda in the Roald Dahl book?

…Well, I’m pretty sure I can’t magically lift things with my mind, but I’m also pretty sure I could beat Roosh at Scrabble. I guess I’m out, then. Besides that, I’m also too old and opinionated. How sad. /s

RoscoeTCat
RoscoeTCat
6 years ago

@dhag85
I don’t know if you’ll read this, but I love your kitty avatar!

Argenti Aertheri
6 years ago

Kat, your off topic news is lovely news! As an axolotl parent I’d be fucking thrilled to see endangered // (maybe) extinct in the wild populations not suffer our pollution. Cuz fuck, polar bears!

Speaking of my Nivi, there’s some cute for you guys — do that lips wrapped over your teeth thing, then gently bite your finger. That’s what it feels like when she bites me full force. It’s very “I iz not foods but you iz adorbs”

Hey Katz, guess the latest feline development? Our resident cat hisses at the sight of me! That was fun. Walked by the kitchen table, not realizing she was on a chair and suddenly a very pointy paw comes swiping out at me. She missed, hissed, and was generally unhappy that I exist. Whatever, as long as she blames me for bringing in this intruder and not our newcomer, I’m cool with it, she’s never actually liked me.

Oh, another cute story! Years ago now my roommate drove me up for Christmas, with his cockerpoo and the adorable result of that dog being allowed near an intact poodle. Both dogs were on best behavior, the larger, adult, fell right in with our dog and the cat grudgingly ignored him… then she saw the puppy. They’re both about 10lbs and he’d never seen a cat before. That was a fun staring contest of confusion! And then they proceed to ignore each other. It was hilarious though, for a few days we had our dumbass large dog, the roommate’s mid size cockerpoo, and this little mostly poodle puppy, all black dogs, all boys… very much like someone got out a shrink ray and intelligence increased as size decreased.

BritterSweet
BritterSweet
6 years ago

I’m glad he has so many requirements in a potential breeding vessel. If his standards are narrow to the point of impossibility, then that means he wont’ reproduce 😀

Here’s some cute short animation brain bleach.

epitome of incomprehensibility

@Kat – Thanks for alerting me! I just checked my email! The details are a bit vague to me right now, but that sounds like good news! The last time I read about the Paris summit, I was afraid it was veering off into a rich countries vs. poor countries kind of thing, with the richer ones ducking the responsibility for contributing so much to global warming in the first place. But the agreement (at least on paper) includes financing for cleaner energy for the poorer nations, and apparently representatives from the Marshall Islands were instrumental in getting different groups to come to an agreement – of course Avaaz might have just mentioned that because they helped raise money for Marshall Islands to send people to Paris. Anyway, I hope we’re better at meeting climate goals this time around.

Back to topic: I’m sure Roosh didn’t mean this as literally as I’m taking it, but “addicted to food”? I think most people are “addicted” to food, what with needing it to survive and all.

Policy of Madness
Policy of Madness
6 years ago

other than “dread game”, whatever the hell that is

From what I understand, dread game involves taking all of the warning signs/red flags from those “How To Spot An Abuser” charts and considering them to be helpful relationship advice. Just normal game, in other words, amped up.

Argenti Aertheri
6 years ago

Aw fuck, that means we’re all addicted to dihydrogen monoxide doesn’t it?

zoon echon logon
zoon echon logon
6 years ago

And Roosh reveals (yet again) that his whole psyche revolves around his massive insecurities. I think the reason TRPers are so obsessed with confident “alphas” is that they’re basically the polar opposite of the typical “the only way for me to feel good about myself is to put women down and get validation from other dudes” TRPer.

Beth
Beth
6 years ago

@Policy of Madness

Thank you for the clarification. What a reprehensible human being. Also I find it gross that in the original article he talks about going to poorer countries to find his ideal woman. As someone who has traveled and lived extensively in the third world, the idea of Roosh and his ilk traveling to exploit and woo these local women with his (comparably) higher amount of money is not cool. I have absolutely no qualms with relationships across cultures and I’ve been in them- but I take major issue with this type of guy setting his sights on a poorer country and saying “there! That’s where I can manipulate and frighten someone.”

Bina
Bina
6 years ago

For a woman who has had sexual partners before me, I must be the absolute best man she has ever been with in terms of appearance, personality, and resources.

Roosh, Roosh, ROOSH. Even a manure pile could outdo you on all those fronts.

And it would be more hygienic, too.

GiJoel
GiJoel
6 years ago

The only woman that would be damaged enough to meet his requirements would be a crash test dummy

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