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Return of Kings is now providing parenting advice. The world’s worst parenting advice

Tech your daughter she's a second class citizen by forcing her to wash dishes with mom while you play a manly game of Battleship with your son
Teach your daughter she’s a second class citizen by forcing her to wash dishes with mom while you play a manly game of Battleship with your son

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Alleged martial artist Jean-Batave Poqueliche, a regular Return of Kings contributor, declares in his bio on the site that he spends his life “travel[ing] the world looking for new fighting techniques and new beautiful women.”

So naturally his boss at RoK, pickup artist and sentient glob of smegma Roosh V, tapped him to provide child-rearing advice to the site’s readers, a demographic that should probably be prevented by law from breeding.

In a post today, Mr. P sets forth a detailed list of things he thinks parents should do in order to keep their kids from turning into evil Social Justice Warriors; the advice is so bad it borders on abuse.

Mr. P starts off by celebrating, sort of, the hypothetical first pregnancy of a hypothetical RoK reader’s hypothetical first wife. Let’s just say that Mr. P is not a romantic.

You have found the least damaged and slutty girl you could find that also looks like you,” he writes, making sure to toss in an implicit rebuke of those who marry outside of their race. “She passed all the loyalty tests and the seed has taken root.”

So far so good. But what happens when this seed develops into an actual human baby walking and talking and pooping its pants?

Well, Mr. P advises, you start to watch the thing like a hawk in order to make sure it never encounters any of the Social Justice Warriorism that runs rampant in our fallen culture.

“Elites and media cannot wait to put their gender-fluid sausage-fingered paws on your children and format their young brains,” he warns in a sentence with perhaps more metaphors than it needs. “It is your role to shield them from that peril … .”

That means setting aside your quest to learn every style of martial art from here to Timbuktu and basically being in your kids’ face all the time. “Spot the early signs of SJW friendly attitude and nip them in the bud,” he writes.

A girl with an absent father, like a ship with no rudder, will turn to an ocean of cocks.

An ocean of what, now?

A boy with an absent father will turn to crime, or worse, feminism.

Ba-dump-tish!

“Don’t let them go to university,” Mr. P insists, lest they be corrupted by some evil academic SJWs. And consider leaving the country if you don’t get your way in the November elections.

Leave America if Trump does not make it great again. Find the fertile ground that will allow your children to grow well and safe. Pick a country that despises SJWs and outright mocks them.

Does it have to be a country? I have some uninhabited islands to suggest.

And of course you need to make sure that your daughter knows how worthless she and all women really are.

Tell them that a man has only his integrity and guts for him while a woman has only her fleeting beauty and sexual purity to rely on.

Teach your son to mock fat people, just because.

While they should not laugh at people that are truly handicapped, when [your son] asks “Dad, why is the lady so fat and smells funny?”, it is your sacred duty to answer: “Because she is lonely, has no self-control and is lazy, my son.”

Keep them away from the internet, because god forbid they get a chance to take advantage of the most significant technological development of our age.

Have more than one kid. Not so much for your kids’ sake, but for your own. After all, Mr. P reminds us, each new kid you have is

[a]n extra root to a strong family tree and one more defender and carrier of your name. If unfortunately you messed up one, (no one is safe) you have a few others to save your line from vanishing into PC-approved degeneracy.

Definitely consider your children to be little more than vehicles for your own weird genetic/ideological agenda because, you know, there’s no way that could end up backfiring and making your kids rightfully hate you for the rest of their lives or anything.

Some people should never have kids. I wouldn’t trust these guys with a pet rock.

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Steampunked
Steampunked
5 years ago

When I and partner got married, we chose a different name entirely, that represented our interests and who we wanted to be in the future. The ceremony didn’t allow for it exactly so we had to sort of arrange something complex. My parents kind of rolled their eyes a bit.

His parents got upset (his mother considered it rejection). They got over it.

His extended family has never gotten over it – I constantly got letters addressed to ‘Mrs Hisfirstname Hislastname’. Apparently I lose my first name getting married too.

Friends of mine later took my old last name to do the same thing, thus propagating the name around the globe horizontally.

There’s an entire set of online communities devoted to recovering from the damage done by being raised by narcissists. That’s what Roosh’s comments make me think of. In any case, I don’t think this guy has ever met a child, or knows anything about how to raise one. I’m not sure I even know how to raise my own sometimes and I still get told she’s polite and cheerful.

Children aren’t little clones. They’re so different, they’re balls of opportunity and curiosity. My daughter has never been anything other than her own person, right from the start. Her insights are her own, she’s someone I find genuinely interesting to talk to at age four, and we do a lot of talking.

But they can’t be summed up, or compressed the way he thinks they can. Not unless you’re willing to do a lot of violence to force them into an artificial shell for compliance. Humans don’t parrot things by natural inclination – they learn through observation and experimentation. The reflection stage might trick people into thinking children are identical, but they’ll only ever be similar. They’ll never have an identical genetic background or set of experiences. They have to make different decisions, so they can’t be what you are. Ever.

They’ll never be the same as you, and they’ll only act identically if you’ve done something wrong or weird to force them to think that’s what’s required for survival.

Rant-off…

Virgin Mary
Virgin Mary
5 years ago

@ds

Trump isn’t sentient. He’s a Cheeto.

TakeThatHatOff
TakeThatHatOff
5 years ago

When I got married I took my husbands last name not because he wanted me to (we had a long talk about hyphenating or coming up with a joined version of our last names) but because my fathers side of the family have disowned my brother and I. My mother has legally gone back to her maiden name and my brother changed his last name to my mothers maiden name so since I was the last one left I thought it would be easier to change it to my husbands. Also i’m near the end of the alphabet now so i know where to look for my name on lists instead of *somewhere* in the middle.

varalys the dark
5 years ago

I’ve never wanted kids of my own but having a sister 12 years younger than me, and now a nearly two year old nephew I do love being around kids. Their sheer curiosity and funny little ways just please me greatly.

My nephew is being raised by a mum and dad who are both feminists. He’s still growing up to be a stereotypical boy in that he loves cars more than anything (well cars and cats), he never gets bored of brumming his toys around or being enthralled by a passing lorry. It’s lovely.

My mum always said of us, “I never raised girls, I raised human beings”.

Lars
Lars
5 years ago

@WWTH

I always planned on keeping my name if I ever got married

Which is why you’re still single at 35. Hahahaha!

brian
brian
5 years ago

on names:
I’m not married, never have been, would give even odds that I never will be. I’m 35. I’m regularly surprised (though I probably shouldn’t be) by how many of my contemporaries that are marrying currently keep doing the “traditional” wife-takes-husband’s-name. one of my friends has been married twice and both his wives did it, a whole bunch of women I work with who are even younger than me did it. it’s one of those things I thought was on the way out, but clearly at least not in the area I live. another close friend is getting married next year… I’ll be REALLY surprised if his wife does it…

weirwoodtreehugger: communist bonobo
weirwoodtreehugger: communist bonobo
5 years ago

If nothing else, changing my name would be too much work for me. My mom went through so many paperwork nightmares changing her name back after she and my dad divorced. Yuck.

Alan Robertshaw
Alan Robertshaw
5 years ago

A certain person in my life wants to take my last name, even though we don’t want to get married, because she just likes how it sounds with her first name, which beings with ‘R’!

But alliterative names always sound like you’ve just made them up when you’re stopped by the police (seriously, just try and think up a false name on the spot now)

I have to admit though it does roll off the tongue a bit.

Viscaria
Viscaria
5 years ago

“Haha you’re not married at 35” is the kind of insult that only works on people who believe that women’s value is completely wrapped up in their relationships with men, i.e. people who believe the same stupid shit that Lars does. It’s kind of like cuck, in that way: insulting to the people who say cuck, rarely insulting to their actual targets.

@Victorius Parasol

Two of my sisters, OTOH, thought I was denying our family connection, or some such nonsense. Frankly, their dramatic wailing made me even more glad of the name change.

I am rolling my eyes so hard at your sisters.

kupo
kupo
5 years ago

My husband and I kept our names. I was not willing to change just my name, but was willing to either hyphenate or pick a new name. He doesn’t like hyphenated names and we couldn’t come up with a good name to share. His family addresses all correspondence to Mr. And Mrs. [His first name] [his last name] or sometimes [His first name] and [my first name] [his last name] and he doesn’t understand why it bothers me. I always refuse to read those, as they’re not addressed to me.

weirwoodtreehugger: communist bonobo
weirwoodtreehugger: communist bonobo
5 years ago

Get a new schtick, Lars. This is having the opposite of the intended effect. If you’re not careful, I’m going to start thinking you have a little crush on me! My response to that would be something along the lines of

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Flora
Flora
5 years ago

I changed my name because my maiden name is a super long mishmash of silent letters that trips everybody up. I wasn’t going to change it until I started doing clinical work and realized I was spending a full minute every time I introduced myself with explaining my name. The fact that my husband has the name of a famous humanitarian helped – the compromise for taking his name was that we changed the spelling so we would both be getting a new name.

Steampunked
Steampunked
5 years ago

I honestly don’t get why ‘you haven’t done X ritual by age Y’ is supposed to be an insult for someone ya don’t know.

Maybe they want to do it, maybe they don’t, but you have no idea, so who cares?

Axecalibur: Middle Name Danger
Axecalibur: Middle Name Danger
5 years ago

@Flora

the compromise for taking his name was that we changed the spelling so we would both be getting a new name

comment image

Cygnia
5 years ago

@Patricia Kayden

Remember, it’s only fat women who are weak and lazy and smelly. Those nasty SJWs just look to shame TEH MENZ for Being Manly Providers of All Sizes!

Victorious Parasol
Victorious Parasol
5 years ago

Thanks, Axecalibur and Viscaria. Those sisters have pretty much nailed down the drama queen department.

Saphira
Saphira
5 years ago

pickup artist and sentient glob of smegma Roosh V

I’d argue against sentient. Don’t you have to be self-aware to be sentient?

The rest just leaves me unable to comment on because it’s just so . . . . bad . . . .

Lady Mondegreen
5 years ago

sentient glob of smegma Roosh V

David, are you Scottish, by any chance?

dslucia
dslucia
5 years ago

@Alan:

(seriously, just try and think up a false name on the spot now)

My first thought while trying to suss out the R name was “Rowena Robertshaw”, which perhaps spoils my likes a bit.

Then, inspired in no way by the fact that I’d just read your name and was simply thinking up a jokey response, I assure you, the first thing that came to mind was “Alan Alanson”.

pitshade
pitshade
5 years ago

@Steampunked

I honestly don’t get why ‘you haven’t done X ritual by age Y’ is supposed to be an insult for someone ya don’t know.

Part of being a bigot is the belief that everyone actually agrees with you, even if they won’t admit it. So it that warped view of the world, calling anyone anything that you don’t like is a of course a cutting insult. To everyone else, of course it just tells them about the person using the supposed insult.

ej
ej
5 years ago

Which is why you’re still single at 35. Hahahaha!

http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m695faemrG1rn95k2o1_500.gif
(sarcastic gif)

I may be 31 and unmarried, but I’m going to have a PhD by the end of the year and that probably would not have happened had I gotten married. That degree will be awarded to [my name] and I’ve spent too many years publishing with that name to change it. I’m not willing to give up the name recognition.

Most women in my family have taken their husbands names, but now use their maiden names as their middle names. If I do end up getting married, I might be the first in my family to keep my name. Of course, at this point, I’m not going to be getting married anytime soon, so it really doesn’t matter.

Alpine, RN
Alpine, RN
5 years ago

I will happily take Dr. Alpine’s last name when we (eventually) get married…my mother has THE EXACT SAME NAME AS I DO, so I’ve NEVER had my own name, and this MIGHT mean my own mail gets to me, instead of sent to her :-p

Diptych
Diptych
5 years ago

(seriously, just try and think up a false name on the spot now)

…Dean Harris! Oo, that one wasn’t too bad. I’ll try again. Leticia… Happenstance. Lupus Migraine. Folderol Budobingo. …okay, point taken.

(Ref. the slightly more serious discussion… we hyphenated. I figure if anyone ever has cause to take our name, and then partners up themselves, they can do whatever they want to and come up with something that sounds nice, same as we did.)

Paradoxical Intention - Resident Cheeseburger Slut

My chosen name is super cool (I have chosen a new first name and my grandmother’s maiden name) and I’m not giving it up for the fucking world, m8.

Especially not for some piddly little man who is so insecure he can’t stand to let me have my own name and be my own person. I can respect couples who make that decision for themselves to do so, but I cannot accept a man who insists upon it.

If anyone’s played the game Layers of Fear there’s this one line in particular that bothers me that’s actually really related to this.

[spoilers]

The artist MC has an auditory flashback when he finds his wife’s engagement ring in the first puzzle of the game, and he hears how he proposed to her. He says “It’s killing me that the world’s greatest piece of art doesn’t have my name on it. So, will you marry me?”

It’s super gross, in my opinion. It’s so possessive, though I suppose you can excuse the game’s time period on that, but it’s still creepy af. Which is kind of good, actually, considering the game is about the artist being an asshole after his wife was caught in a bad fire and suffered severe burns that scarred her for the rest of her (short and miserable) life, and then the husband had to deal with the “torment” of having to look at her, because he married her for her beauty and skill with music, and because of the burns, she lost both.

(She also had to re-learn how to write because the burns messed up her arms really bad, and you see that as you find her notes lying around straight up saying how much she loathes the MC because he’s an asshole.)

I’m glad his wife is now a paint demon haunting his purgatory.

[/spoilers]

Axecalibur: Middle Name Danger
Axecalibur: Middle Name Danger
5 years ago

@dslucia
10 points to Robertshaw!!!

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