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Return of Kings is now providing parenting advice. The world’s worst parenting advice

Tech your daughter she's a second class citizen by forcing her to wash dishes with mom while you play a manly game of Battleship with your son
Teach your daughter she’s a second class citizen by forcing her to wash dishes with mom while you play a manly game of Battleship with your son

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Alleged martial artist Jean-Batave Poqueliche, a regular Return of Kings contributor, declares in his bio on the site that he spends his life “travel[ing] the world looking for new fighting techniques and new beautiful women.”

So naturally his boss at RoK, pickup artist and sentient glob of smegma Roosh V, tapped him to provide child-rearing advice to the site’s readers, a demographic that should probably be prevented by law from breeding.

In a post today, Mr. P sets forth a detailed list of things he thinks parents should do in order to keep their kids from turning into evil Social Justice Warriors; the advice is so bad it borders on abuse.

Mr. P starts off by celebrating, sort of, the hypothetical first pregnancy of a hypothetical RoK reader’s hypothetical first wife. Let’s just say that Mr. P is not a romantic.

You have found the least damaged and slutty girl you could find that also looks like you,” he writes, making sure to toss in an implicit rebuke of those who marry outside of their race. “She passed all the loyalty tests and the seed has taken root.”

So far so good. But what happens when this seed develops into an actual human baby walking and talking and pooping its pants?

Well, Mr. P advises, you start to watch the thing like a hawk in order to make sure it never encounters any of the Social Justice Warriorism that runs rampant in our fallen culture.

“Elites and media cannot wait to put their gender-fluid sausage-fingered paws on your children and format their young brains,” he warns in a sentence with perhaps more metaphors than it needs. “It is your role to shield them from that peril … .”

That means setting aside your quest to learn every style of martial art from here to Timbuktu and basically being in your kids’ face all the time. “Spot the early signs of SJW friendly attitude and nip them in the bud,” he writes.

A girl with an absent father, like a ship with no rudder, will turn to an ocean of cocks.

An ocean of what, now?

A boy with an absent father will turn to crime, or worse, feminism.

Ba-dump-tish!

“Don’t let them go to university,” Mr. P insists, lest they be corrupted by some evil academic SJWs. And consider leaving the country if you don’t get your way in the November elections.

Leave America if Trump does not make it great again. Find the fertile ground that will allow your children to grow well and safe. Pick a country that despises SJWs and outright mocks them.

Does it have to be a country? I have some uninhabited islands to suggest.

And of course you need to make sure that your daughter knows how worthless she and all women really are.

Tell them that a man has only his integrity and guts for him while a woman has only her fleeting beauty and sexual purity to rely on.

Teach your son to mock fat people, just because.

While they should not laugh at people that are truly handicapped, when [your son] asks “Dad, why is the lady so fat and smells funny?”, it is your sacred duty to answer: “Because she is lonely, has no self-control and is lazy, my son.”

Keep them away from the internet, because god forbid they get a chance to take advantage of the most significant technological development of our age.

Have more than one kid. Not so much for your kids’ sake, but for your own. After all, Mr. P reminds us, each new kid you have is

[a]n extra root to a strong family tree and one more defender and carrier of your name. If unfortunately you messed up one, (no one is safe) you have a few others to save your line from vanishing into PC-approved degeneracy.

Definitely consider your children to be little more than vehicles for your own weird genetic/ideological agenda because, you know, there’s no way that could end up backfiring and making your kids rightfully hate you for the rest of their lives or anything.

Some people should never have kids. I wouldn’t trust these guys with a pet rock.

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OoglyBoggles
OoglyBoggles
5 years ago

@Ohlmann
So much inbreeding it’s like a Tudor’s family chart.

guest
guest
5 years ago

OK, I found this kind of interesting:

‘a man has only his integrity and guts’

So intelligence, skill and diligence are right out then.

xthetenth
xthetenth
5 years ago

Oh goody it’s a guide to making your own dynasty. Shame that Spain and Austria are taken. Also that there’s a reason I laugh when reminded of how much Charles II’s monogram looks like the biohazard symbol.

Berdache from a previous life
Berdache from a previous life
5 years ago

@(((Her Grace Phryne))): Tool of the Butt-Worshipping, Lesbian-Powered Elite”

“WWTH, that was my thought, too. It sounds a lot like fundamental Christian “childrearing advice”, minus the Christianity.”

The fundamentalists have removed the Christianity as well.

Axecalibur: Middle Name Danger
Axecalibur: Middle Name Danger
5 years ago

Sorta on topic:
I’m not the only one, for whom a woman willing to take my name in marriage is a massive, deal breaker turnoff, am I? Even if it was her idea and she was super into it, that’s not my jam. Hyphenation is fine, I suppose, but Mr and Mrs ‘Axe Calibur’ is something I simply can’t be OK with. I like my name (the real one. Well, surname anyway), so it’s not like I’m trying to protect someone from being Mrs Humperdinck (no offense). It’s just all kinds of yuck, ya know?

Like, why (rhetorical mostly) do they that so bad? If that’s what people decide to do, that’s fine, but these dudes are obsessed by it. It’s like a fetish. Defend your name? I mean, if your name was rare or interesting, but you got fucking Jacksons and Smiths going on about this. Your family is a genetic, legal, a/o communal group of people you (hopefully) care about and they you. Why does it matter so much what everyone’s names are? And no, the irony is not lost on me

Imaginary Petal
Imaginary Petal
5 years ago

@Axecalibur

When my Otter and I married, we both took both names. They don’t do hyphenated here, so we just have two last names. It wouldn’t be a dealbreaker if she had wanted just my name, but it would kinda be a dealbreaker if she hadn’t allowed me to take her name. I had the single most common Swedish last name, and my first name is also a very normal and common name. It was an awesome opportunity to get a better name without having to go through annoying paperwork and having to pay a fee.

My Otter’s grandmother always makes out letters to “Mr. and Mrs. Imaginary Petal [1st Last Name] [2nd Last Name]”. No matter how many times we tell her this is not appropriate, she just seems determined to pretend as if our marriage has turned me into some super-organism who has devoured the wife unit.

MexicanHotChocolate
MexicanHotChocolate
5 years ago

Turn your son into an entitled, hate-filled loaf of angry, resentful luncheon meat who will probably rape a drunk woman the first chance he gets. Turn your daughter into a neurotic mess who will have sex with the first scummy Roosh V clone loser she meets because she thinks that’s all she deserves. Yeah, great parenting advice.

Ellesar
Ellesar
5 years ago

I have raised 2 sons on my own, and not only are my sons not criminals, they are not feminists, they are not very politically interested.

I live in an area of ‘high social deprivation’ and when my sons were growing up I was very aware of other kids who were a problem. 2 of those families had the father in the home (all the children fathered by him in both cases) – HE was the reason the families were problematic, petty criminals both of them!

Everyone has always said how nice my boys are, but they are not rape advocates, or wanting to dominate the women in their lives, so I guess they are a couple of mangina cucks, or some other incomprehensible nonsense!

theseventhguest
5 years ago

I am very disappointed to hear mr p has been so naughty. How was I to know that mr p, with the absolute squishiest of kitty tummies, was so mean? He has been fixed for over 10 years, apparently he is still angry about it. I will give him all the kisses until he says he is sorry.

Also, I feel this crowd will like several of these.
https://www.buzzfeed.com/genamourbarrett/jokes-that-will-make-women-laugh-way-harder-tha?utm_term=.rsvyBzO4B#.cy3L1kWr1

Ellesar
Ellesar
5 years ago

I’ve just realised – I raised my sons vegetarian, and I am a feminist, even if they are not, so they probably have no penises and will never be ‘real men’.

Oh what a shame!

Imaginary Petal
Imaginary Petal
5 years ago

@Ellesar

They can still be saved! Have you tried negging them?

weirwoodtreehugger: communist bonobo
weirwoodtreehugger: communist bonobo
5 years ago

If there’s going to be all this inbreeding, isn’t he worried his descendents will start to look like the Hapsburgs? They didn’t exactly scream alpha studmuffin.

weirwoodtreehugger: communist bonobo
weirwoodtreehugger: communist bonobo
5 years ago

Bedarche,

I dunno. I’m terribly interested in trying to police who calls themselves Christian.

AsAboveSoBelow
AsAboveSoBelow
5 years ago

WWTH: You mean like poor Charles II of Spain, in whom the Hapsburg jaw was so exaggerated he could hardly chew?
http://cdn-1-wdh.habsburger.net/files/styles/chapter_main/public/images/teaser/juan_carreno_de_miranda_koenig_karl_ii._von_spanien_teaser.jpg
That family tree really is a wreath.

These MRA/PUA clowns bang on so about “damaged” women. Who do they suppose has done the damage?

varalys the dark
5 years ago

By the Nine. Even though my dad was a complete shithead in many ways he bizarrely is very feminist. Mind you mum kicked him (rightly) out when I was 13 because he had an affair even though he was the sole breadwinner and she had never worked and now had three kids a 13 yr old, 11 yr old and one year old to support. So she went out, retrained, even got down on her hands and knees and scrubbed strangers floors to earn money while retraining and she kept studying and training and finally retired on a fat lawyer’s pension a few year back. She’s my hero. Um that teal deered fast.

Anyway, I went to university twice! Got an MA in Misandry, sorry Women’s Studies. I’m a lesbian who would totally get married if she had a long term galpal, but alas I live alone with just a cat, quel dommage. My two sisters have been with the same blokes since university but refuse to make honest men of them, misandry? I finally got my dream and have a gorgeous nephew, he has his fathers surname because sister 1.0 want our dad’s name to die off. Which is harsh I guess but considering he hasn’t contacted any of us in four years now, I think is probably fair.

TL:DR: My mum kicks ass, my dad is a weird feminist shithead who to his credit has never yearned for a son (he has six daughters in total) and this “parenting advice” makes me want to heave so hard I throw up my shoes.

BringTheNoise
BringTheNoise
5 years ago

As genuinely terrible as this advice is, unless I missed the quotes about whipping babies, Michael and Debi Pearl still reign supreme as the worst purveryors of child-raising advice ever [CW: Child abuse; horrific child abuse]

pitshade
pitshade
5 years ago

@ IP

More anagrams for Jean-Batave Poqueliche

Capital Heave Job Queen
A Banal Cheep Jive Quote

It occurs to me that I’ve spent to much time staring at lists of anagrams…

invivoMark
invivoMark
5 years ago

@Axecalibur, you are not alone.

It’s not that my last name is particularly horrible (although it’s a pain to spell, and its German translation has led to me receiving the nickname “Penis Mountain”). I’m just really not comfortable with someone changing their name so that it matches mine.

I don’t like the hyphenation compromise, either. It’s really only kicking the can down the road, anyway, since if everybody did that the length of last names would grow exponentially and in a hundred generations there would be more last names than there are grains of sand on Earth.

Axecalibur: Middle Name Danger
Axecalibur: Middle Name Danger
5 years ago

@theseventhguest
That “side” joke killed me
And I would totally marry a friend. ‘Ya wanna?’ ‘Fuck it, why not? Them tax benefits is godlike’

@IP

It wouldn’t be a dealbreaker if she had wanted just my name, but it would kinda be a dealbreaker if she hadn’t allowed me to take her name

http://38.media.tumblr.com/0f6c8ca2674aae6dc663e42bc6d9f7c8/tumblr_naqkitlczr1s1bot7o2_500.gif
Daww, doubling up on names seems a hassle, but it’s pretty adorable. I’m down for that, hyphen or otherwise. It’s just… well this:

as if our marriage has turned me into some super-organism who has devoured the wife unit

*shudders*
Nope. Can’t do it. Wouldn’t mind other people feeling that way about us, but I wouldn’t wanna feel that way. Not like this is, or likely will be, a pressing issue anytime soon, but it’s the principle of the thing, don’t you know

weirwoodtreehugger: communist bonobo
weirwoodtreehugger: communist bonobo
5 years ago

German translation has led to me receiving the nickname “Penis Mountain”).

I always planned on keeping my name if I ever got married, but I would kind of like having Penis Mountain for a name.

comment image

Sinkable John : Pansy Ass Pinko
Sinkable John : Pansy Ass Pinko
5 years ago

@Viscaria

If it were possible to breed with a gender-swapped clone of yourself, I bet he’d be all over that.

This is absolutely brilliant. We need to tell the MRAs to forget about sexbots, and focus on gender-swapped clones instead.

If that ever happened, they’d all disappear off the internets in two days.

hippielady
hippielady
5 years ago

@Imaginary Petal

she just seems determined to pretend as if our marriage has turned me into some super-organism who has devoured the wife unit.

This made me snort-laugh. 🙂

DS
DS
5 years ago

Woah, you totally just called Roosh V a “sentient glob of smegma.” That kind of descriptor should be reserved for Donald J. Trump in my opinion! 😛 Like Roosh is bad and all, but he doesn’t have nearly the impact on mass opinion as Trump does, that cancerous, orangefacèd cocksplat.

Victorious Parasol
Victorious Parasol
5 years ago

I took my husband’s last name not by his request (he wanted me to do whatever I wanted to do) but because it meant moving from the tail end of the alphabet to the first quarter. I’d had my fill of being last or next-to-last during alphabetical sorting.

Two of my sisters, OTOH, thought I was denying our family connection, or some such nonsense. Frankly, their dramatic wailing made me even more glad of the name change.

Axecalibur: Middle Name Danger
Axecalibur: Middle Name Danger
5 years ago

@invivoMark

I don’t like the hyphenation compromise, either

I like hyphenation. I just wouldn’t want it to be, as you say, a ‘compromise’. If both parties aren’t enthused about it, it ain’t worth doing

if everybody did that the length of last names would grow exponentially

1stly
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ym2YP4uppz8
2ndly, this is actually super interesting. How would that be resolved? Presumably, names would drop off over the generations, but wouldn’t that eventually get us right back where we started? Hmm…

@Vicki

Two of my sisters, OTOH, thought I was denying our family connection, or some such nonsense

Well, that’s just not nice

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