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4 More Reasons You Should Back Away Slowly if You Ever Meet A Return of Kings Fan in Real Life

Some people are no good at giving advice
Some people are no good at giving advice

The We Hunted the Mammoth Pledge Drive continues! If you haven’t already, please consider sending some bucks my way. (And don’t worry that the PayPal page says Man Boobz.) Thanks!

You may remember Hesse Kassell — aka “strongsloth” — as the supremely creepy Return of Kings contributor who argued, among other awful things, that women in relationships should never be allowed to say no to sex.

Well, he’s back with a new Return of Kings post. This time, he’s aiming his prohibitions at men, with a list of “10 things men should never try.”

Somehow, this new list manages to be as skeezy and awful as the last one I wrote about — quite an achievement, even for a Return of Kingser, particularly since several of the items on the list (jail, smoking, gambling, consumer credit) are things that guys probably should try to avoid. But the rest of the list is a concentrated mass of weird assumptions and outright bigotry.

So let me bring to you what I’d like to call the Top Four Reasons You Should Back Away Slowly if You Ever Meet A Return of Kings Fan in Real Life.

Let’s start off with the first item in strongsloth’s “list of things that make no sense when the costs and benefits are considered” — “Sex reassignment.”

A man has the fixed sexual function of providing sperm. A girl has the fixed sexual function of providing eggs and carrying the baby. When someone pretends they can change sexual function it ends badly.

Not only is this virulently transphobic, obviously, but I’m pretty sure that there’s more to sex than having babies, and that very little about sexuality is “fixed” by the particular genitalia we’re born with.

Strongsloth then moves on to consider prostitution. After posting a picture of two seemingly random women he apparently thinks are prostitutes, he offers this reason why men should avoid their deadly embraces:

A prostitute takes a man’s strength, then his money but gives nothing in return.

Huh. Prostitutes take a man’s strength? I thought that General Jack T. Ripper was a fictional character.

And then it’s on to the evils of piercing and tattoos. Once again strongsloth seems to be channelling the General:

A man’s body is his only tool. It makes no sense to drill holes in it or deface it with pictures. All bodies age, decay, and die, but why accelerate the process?

Last in my list, but not least, strongsloth warns dudes to avoid the temptation of … other dudes:

Some men are apparently tempted to perform homosexual acts. A man who does endangers his health, fertility, and mental well-being. Every man has the power of choice. Make the smart choice.

I’m pretty sure that’s not how it works.


170 replies on “4 More Reasons You Should Back Away Slowly if You Ever Meet A Return of Kings Fan in Real Life”

Ok… Well, if I do do anything off, you’ll let me know, right? I do worry about how I come across to people here…

For what it’s worth, Tom, I am sorry that I didn’t pick up on your intentions. Doubly so because I also like writing random fiction stories as parody, so it hurts to have misread fiction that someone else has written (and yes, I did know you weren’t literally telling us about what had happened to you).

We’ve had trolls come in and try to sing praises for RoK’s… philosophy… and I can’t tell you that I now can read the comment and tell, without context, that it was meant to be sarcastic. But I can apologize for going off on you without being clear on your intent.

I can’t recall you saying anything off, kirbywarp – or if you did, it was like mildlymagnificent said, minor and forgotten, and probably a misunderstanding that was cleared up by a “wait wut did I read that right”.

I read b.tom’s post and wasn’t sure if it was or wasn’t serious – it definitely fell under Poe’s Law. Getting angry at someone who failed to instantly ‘know’ it was sarcasm and calling them an asshole for getting hit with a case of Poe’s Law? I get that it’s frustrating when someone jumps on us, but given the nature of these threads, it’s hardly surprising. I’ve been jumped on when I didn’t clarify what I meant (I don’t often unpack my thoughts when I’m posting and will go from A straight to G without explaining how I got there), and the correct response is to clarify, not lash out. That said, shit happens, we all move on. Pretty please?

Tom, can I give you a piece of advice? Trying to get the regulars to fight with each other by going “you over here are the good ones, but this guy, he’s terrible, as we all know” is pretty much guaranteed to annoy the crap out of almost everyone. I read the sarcasm in your initial comment no problem, but this attitude you’re pulling about kirby having missed it? Not a good look.


*brugh brugh brugh* MOST unorthodox! If I had my way, all you young rapscallions, with your “squares” and “daddy-oes,” would spend a little time behind bars! *harumph* THAT would teach you some respect!


When people do this I’m always sitting here going, do you not understand the concept of social capital? You have to have a fair amount of it for “you, person over there, I approve of, carry on! but you, on the other hand, have displeased me” to be something that anyone gives much of a crap about. It’s an attempt at exerting social control within a group, and it only works if the group thinks more highly of you than they do of the person who you’re scolding like a naughty child (and comparing to the other, more favored child, who you are patting on the head).

Hey peeps, do I have an “established habit of missing the point” or being an uptight jackass? If so, I want to work on that…

Not that I’m aware of. Of course, it’s entirely possible that I miss the point often, myself…

I didn’t think there was anything wrong with Tom’s initial comment, assumed it was meant to be satirical, but now I’m going “oh piss off, you drama llama”, which is why this kind of behavior is rarely a good idea.

Ha ha! It’s so funny when you come across guys have bought in to the whole PUA + Alpha Male + All rest of theory stuff – you can spot them a mile off. The’re hilarious, like little school boys! Constantly concerned with being Mr Big Man and constantly making fools out of themselves because of it. My theory is that if you need those bullh*t theories to shore up your self esteem then the very last thing you are is the genetically predisposed “Alpha” male you wish you were. There is one that I have recently come across in a professional capacity. He is new to his environment and constantly making an ass out of himself. I try to be forgiving because he is a bit young but I would love to just take him by the scruff of the neck and saying, “Dude! You’re a nice enough guy what the hell do you think you need all that cr*p for?”. My concern though is that although he is a nice guy and will probably grow out of it there are many guys who are not as nice and will go on to inflict a lot of damage because of it. That PUA stuff is so unhealthy and misleading for young men.

So, I just read the “Penthouse Parody,” and got to “Ladies first” and “to be continued.

My guess is that the ladies leave, and he waits at the door, then waves goodbye as his train continues without the silly widgeons on the train.

After all, no one likes to be disturbed while they are reading, right?

Speaking of prose, purple, urple, or otherwise, here is my all-time favorite Harry Potter fanfic. Note, it’s spoilery, if you have not read at least to book 5.

Oh, and note there is “adult content.”

Love’s Appalling Adverbs

By Amenuensis

After a narrow escape from a close encounter with Death Eaters, Hermione Granger succumbs to the seductive lure of adventure, romance, and (very!) bad fiction.

Social capital – yeah, kirby you have it. Don’t worry.

Tip for the future – instead of saying “to be continued,” write “Continued on page 37,” and people will be more likely to know it is a parody. Sadly, there are real trolls who write just that sort of thing, and mean it for real. They’re usually posting over at the ROK comments section, I think.

I just read a short crossover fic where Captain Hook ends up outside Azkaban (which he thinks is a stupid name and sounds like something a third-rate stage musician would say when pulling a puppy out of a hat) and kills a horde of Dementors, because he hasn’t any happy thoughts for them to suck out of him.

@kitteh – LOL! I’d love to read that one.

Red Hen has one that is a “seriously, but seriously AU” (that’s alternate universe) Harry Potter fanfic that is, apparently, a blend of Harry Potter and Georgette Heyer’s “The Grand Sophie,” and now I simply MUST read that one.

I adore Georgette Heyer, and have quite the collection, and “The Grand Sophy” is a particularly fun one.

Oh Georgette Heyer!
I know lots of other people must read her cos her books are almost always in print, but never actually met one except my mother before!
Love her books, Regency and detective!

I read one Georgette Heyer when I was a teenager – Royal Escape, about Charles II’s escape from England after the Battle of Worcester.

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