Better Penis Homes and Gardens

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While we’re on the subject of creepy dudes and their terrible opinions about vaginas, I feel I would be remiss not to mention the whole “penis home” thing.

What penis home thing, you ask? Well, you may have heard about the recent fall from grace (oy there’s a cliché) of evangelical megachurch pastor Mark Driscoll, under fire for being a tyrannical buttheaded bigot with terrible opinions about women and LGBT folks. With Driscoll also facing accusations of abusive behavior, financial hanky panky, and even plagiarism, his Washington-based Mars Hill evangelical empire has been forced to shut down some of its local franchises.

Ok, you say, that’s sort of interesting, but what does it have to do with penis homes? I specifically asked about penis homes.

All right, penis homes. Some years back, Driscoll outlined what he saw as the proper Christian roles for our penises and vaginas. In a post on an internet message board from 2001 that’s recently been brought to the attention of the wider world, he offered these thoughts on (cis) men and the proper homes for their penises:

The first thing to know about your penis is, that … it is not your penis. Ultimately, God created you and it is his penis. You are simply borrowing it for a while.

Something borrowed, something blue. Wait, that last bit only applies to balls. I assume those are borrowed, too? Anyhoo, these penises need someplace to live.

While His penis is on loan you must admit that it is sort of just hanging out there very lonely as if it needed a home, sort of like a man wondering the streets looking for a house to live in.

But God doesn’t want your penis – sorry, His penis – to remain homeless. So He has very thoughtfully provided homes for these penises. Well, mobile homes, really, as they’re located within the ladies of the world:

Knowing that His penis would need a home, God created a woman to be your wife and when you marry her and look down you will notice that your wife is shaped differently than you and makes a very nice home.

But, you might say, aren’t there lots of places that penises can, er, take shelter in, from Fleshlights to the old standby, the human hand? Apparently these homes are not homey enough. Indeed, Driscoll warned unmarried men not to get too comfortable in these sorts of bachelor pads:

[I]f you are single you must remember that your penis is homeless and needs a home. But, though you may believe your hand is shaped like a home, it is not.

Also, the “homes” in which women who are not your wife might possibly offer you temporary shelter aren’t really good homes either, because they belong to … other men?

[T]hough women other than your wife may look like a home, to rest there would be breaking into another man’s home.

And speaking of men, don’t even think about seeking shelter in another man’s, er, garage?

And, if you look at a man it is quite obvious that what a homeless man does not need is another man without a home.

Besides, fellas, your penis ultimately belongs not to you or God but to your wife.

Paul tells us that your penis actually belongs to your wife, and once you are married she will trade you it for her home (I Corinthians 7:4), and every man knows this is a very good trade for him to make.

Just make sure you can sexually satisfy your new home with the penis that doesn’t belong to you. Learn to fuck that home like it needs to be fucked.

With his penis, the man is supposed to learn to please his wife and learn how to be patient, self-controlled and be educated on how to keep his home happy and joyous (I Corinthians 7:3).

Also, for proper results, make sure to get yourself a really sexy penis home.

The man should be aroused by his new home, and the wife should rejoice at seeing his penis rise to greet her (Song of Songs 5:14b).

Ok, I think I may have to give up sex for life.

Note: All of the preceding obviously only applies to cis folk; I’m sure thinking about sex involving trans folk would cause poor Pastor Driscoll’s head to explode. He should definitely never ever ever watch this video.