The We Hunted the Mammoth Pledge Drive continues! If you haven’t already, please consider sending some bucks my way. (And don’t worry that the PayPal page says Man Boobz.) Thanks!
While we’re on the subject of creepy dudes and their terrible opinions about vaginas, I feel I would be remiss not to mention the whole “penis home” thing.
What penis home thing, you ask? Well, you may have heard about the recent fall from grace (oy there’s a cliché) of evangelical megachurch pastor Mark Driscoll, under fire for being a tyrannical buttheaded bigot with terrible opinions about women and LGBT folks. With Driscoll also facing accusations of abusive behavior, financial hanky panky, and even plagiarism, his Washington-based Mars Hill evangelical empire has been forced to shut down some of its local franchises.
Ok, you say, that’s sort of interesting, but what does it have to do with penis homes? I specifically asked about penis homes.
All right, penis homes. Some years back, Driscoll outlined what he saw as the proper Christian roles for our penises and vaginas. In a post on an internet message board from 2001 that’s recently been brought to the attention of the wider world, he offered these thoughts on (cis) men and the proper homes for their penises:
The first thing to know about your penis is, that … it is not your penis. Ultimately, God created you and it is his penis. You are simply borrowing it for a while.
Something borrowed, something blue. Wait, that last bit only applies to balls. I assume those are borrowed, too? Anyhoo, these penises need someplace to live.
While His penis is on loan you must admit that it is sort of just hanging out there very lonely as if it needed a home, sort of like a man wondering the streets looking for a house to live in.
But God doesn’t want your penis – sorry, His penis – to remain homeless. So He has very thoughtfully provided homes for these penises. Well, mobile homes, really, as they’re located within the ladies of the world:
Knowing that His penis would need a home, God created a woman to be your wife and when you marry her and look down you will notice that your wife is shaped differently than you and makes a very nice home.
But, you might say, aren’t there lots of places that penises can, er, take shelter in, from Fleshlights to the old standby, the human hand? Apparently these homes are not homey enough. Indeed, Driscoll warned unmarried men not to get too comfortable in these sorts of bachelor pads:
[I]f you are single you must remember that your penis is homeless and needs a home. But, though you may believe your hand is shaped like a home, it is not.
Also, the “homes” in which women who are not your wife might possibly offer you temporary shelter aren’t really good homes either, because they belong to … other men?
[T]hough women other than your wife may look like a home, to rest there would be breaking into another man’s home.
And speaking of men, don’t even think about seeking shelter in another man’s, er, garage?
And, if you look at a man it is quite obvious that what a homeless man does not need is another man without a home.
Besides, fellas, your penis ultimately belongs not to you or God but to your wife.
Paul tells us that your penis actually belongs to your wife, and once you are married she will trade you it for her home (I Corinthians 7:4), and every man knows this is a very good trade for him to make.
Just make sure you can sexually satisfy your new home with the penis that doesn’t belong to you. Learn to fuck that home like it needs to be fucked.
With his penis, the man is supposed to learn to please his wife and learn how to be patient, self-controlled and be educated on how to keep his home happy and joyous (I Corinthians 7:3).
Also, for proper results, make sure to get yourself a really sexy penis home.
The man should be aroused by his new home, and the wife should rejoice at seeing his penis rise to greet her (Song of Songs 5:14b).
Ok, I think I may have to give up sex for life.
Note: All of the preceding obviously only applies to cis folk; I’m sure thinking about sex involving trans folk would cause poor Pastor Driscoll’s head to explode. He should definitely never ever ever watch this video.
@gilshalos, it’s truly amazing how far off the mark the No campaign adverts have been in trying to convince their target audience. I remember there was a ‘If Scotland stays everyone will get a surplus’ article that went out which had a list of things that Scottish people could spend their surplus on (using helpful and condescending Lego-tableaux illustrations) which basically came down to “LOOK HOW MANY CHIP DINNERS AND FOOTBALL TICKETS YOU COULD BUY WITH THIS MONEY” and it’s like Jesus Christ on a cross do you not understand how good marketing campaigns work?
I swear, the No campaign has done amazing things for pushing Scotland in the direction of Yes because it shows so clearly how out of touch Westminster is with the entire northern nation that they are trying to woo.
8 more days… oh the tension!
@pendraegon, I understand your feelings completely. 😉
I’m hoping we get sufficient of a majority for Yes. (Last time we got a majority, but not a big enough one, since a clause was slipped in that said the percentage needed was of the entire electorate, not of those voting)
Since the last YouGov survey gave a majority for yes for the first time, Westminster is panicing badly, and starting to promise stuff for Scotland if we vote to stay in.
I’d say they were stupid for thinking we forgot what happened the last time, but a lot of people are too young to remember given it was 30 years back.
Anyhow, they promised a lot last time, including a ‘better’ Independance bill. Funnily enough, after they said the majority wasn’t big enough, all of those promises vanished.
If No wins, I fully expect the same thing to happen again. They have no reason to keep those promises. Scotland already votes against the winning party in Westminster most of the time, and it makes no difference. And we can’t just hold another referendum, since it needs Westminster’s approval.
Things would have been a lot better if James the 6th hadn’t been a pleasure-loving idiot, and moved everything down to London when Scotland took over England, Ireland and Wales.
Yes, we took over them, much as they’d prefer to think it was the other way around.
While I was raised as a Scot, I would have liked to stay part of Britain, and would happily join with Wales, northern England and Ireland, but the Westminster govt has gone totally rabid, and we need to leave it for our own health.
(Sorry for off-topic political ranting)
@gilshalos, pretty sure we’re not alone here: I’m certain I saw a Yes profile image in the WHTM comments the other day…
I have decided I am going to place a bet against a Yes vote so that I win either way: if it’s Yes, then Scotland wins and I am joyous! If it’s No, then I will have extra money to go and get sad-drunk at the bad news.
Reminds me of a medieval French fabliau I read in college, about a woman who went to bed unsatisfied (her husband had had a bit too much to eat and drink that night, which was also the woman’s fault for overdoing it on the festive meal) and had a dream about going to a penis market. Just as she settled on a penis she wanted to buy and prepared to bid on it, she woke up. When she told her husband about the dream, he asked how much vendors were charging for a tool like his. To which the wife replied: “Penises like yours were on sale by the pound.”
@Amused
Ha! I love me a good medieval fabliau. The vaginas are always so… well, ravenous in them.
I just got given The Talk by Mark Driscoll.
I’ve never tested the limits on my hot water heater. I think I’ll go take a hot shower and see how long it takes to turn cold… then a good scrape with the thing-for-scraping-feet. All over.
I managed to hold out until the weed.
And from reading the rest of the first page, my brain is stuck trying to imagine what a hobo peen would make his bindle out of. That, and cookie-cutter vulvas set on pube lawns.
This needs brain bleach
http://youtu.be/FAhB90Of9zo
Oh sweet Goddess Bootsy guess what I found
http://judgybitch.com/2014/09/09/my-my-my-feminists-seem-very-frightened-of-my-voice-on-twitter/
“I’m getting banned. It must be because feminists are conspiring under the rug and not because I post awful things with slurs fairly frequently.”
Not an actual quote. For the record.
Wow. JB sure is a piece of work.
This type of attitude is very common in fundie culture. I was raised Catholic by my family, but attended an evangelical private school and went to youth group at the local Baptist church, since the Catholic church didn’t have much for kids. At the time a lot of it seemed fun – we went on a lot of trips, and every Friday an indoor skate park would be set up inside the church gym – but looking back, I realize just how scary and misogynistic some of the things we were taught were.
A LOT of emphasis was placed on premarital sex, but primarily shaming women instead of men. As an example, one time the pastor had everyone spit in a cup, and then asked who wanted to drink from it (the analogy being a woman who had been spoiled for marriage through dirty and gross sex with other men). I see this kind of thinking all the time in the manosphere blogs – men are being robbed of the chance to “experience” women’s youth and purity like a shiny new PS-3 just out of the box, and are instead being stuck with a used Super NES covered in cobwebs. (Of course, nothing is ever said of men depriving their future wife of their purity.) The assumption is that everyone will get married, hence the emphasis on not defrauding someone’s “future spouse.”
I’ve only dated one man who asked for my “count,” and that guy would fit right in with these losers. This was back in college, and he was VERY focused on money and status, and talked about his family’s wealth all the time. He was always encouraging me to get breast implants and lose a few pounds (I was a size 0 back then!). Thankfully, we are no longer together, and I’m with a great guy who loves me for who I am. 🙂
Amanda
Good for you! 🙂
@ gilshalos
This was my first exposure to the No campaign, since I’m an overseas Scot, and if nobody had told me otherwise I’d have thought the actual ad was a parody. Damn, talk about failing to read your audience accurately. Are we sure there isn’t a super secret mole in their campaign headquarters working for the opposition?
@cassandrakitty
As far as I can tell (and isn’t it interesting that as a Scot, living in Scotland, I can’t be more sure) the No campaign is mainly fear tactics, bribery if we say no, with a hint of violence (we’ll cut your money and punish you even if you say no!)
Attractive, yes ?
It does rather smack of the idea that England sees itself as having a parental relationship with Scotland, or at least the people running that campaign do.
On the referendum, there was an opinion piece in the paper here yesterday that said the English had been treating the referendum as “an adorable protest in a far-away place” – I’m quoting – until it looked like the Yes vote might win. The writer was suggesting that might lead to a resurgence of English nationalism, and the article essentially sounded like it would go back to the days of the English wanting to stamp on the Scots, though presumably via economics or politics rather than outright war this time. Very much a veiled threat under it all. Ugh.
On a lighter note there’s apparently a conspiracy theory doing the rounds that MI5 is behind the announcement of the Duchess of Cambridge’s pregnancy, if not somehow behind her being pregnant right now at all, because such an announcement would supposedly help generate more No votes. Never mind that an early announcement was more or less forced on the couple for the same reason as last time – she suffers really bad morning sickness – nooo, much more fun to put it down to the men in grey. 😀
Also hi, Falconer, how are you and Beloved and the babbies? Is everyone over all the nasty bugs they’ve had?
Why would the fact that a woman is having a baby make any difference to whether Scottish people vote for independence? Again, they really don’t seem to understand their audience at all.
Maybe they think that the Scots will want to stay in the U.K. more if it means that they’ll have better access to a cute baby? I dunno, but their line of thought is probably about that stupid.
It is so stupid, isn’t it? I mean hello, why would this baby make people think any differently from they way they did after Prince George was born?
But remember, this is a conspiracy theory, not a real idea MI5 or anyone else had, so the sillier the better.
Sorry, for educated Scots, the royal family don’t cut it.
I mean, I admire all the good work that they do, but
a> They are not in the correct line of royalty.
b> The current queen is NOT Elizabeth II. She’s Elizabeth I. There has never been a previous queen of Britain called Elizabeth. The English/Welsh/Irish Queen Elizabeth the First never ruled over Scotland, or Britain, as Britain didn’t exist until her cousin’s son created it.
It’s pretty much
“LOOK SCOTLAND WE HAVE A BABY NOW
You don’t…. HATE babies, do you Scotland??”
@cassandrakitty, in the papers today Prime Minster D-Cam apparently gave an ’emotional’ speech (a claim incompatible with the fact that Tories are known to lack both tear ducts and beating hearts) about Scotland ‘breaking up the family’.
If this is a family it’s a pretty terrible one, verging on psychologically (there are widespread reports of No campaigners spreading false info to Polish communities in Scotland saying that they’ll be kicked out with a Yes vote) and financially abusive where threatening to withhold economic stability in vengeance is one of their main tactics, while holding the idea of royal children hostage to stop the Scots leaving and fluctuating wildly between “Whiny bitch, go on and fuck off, we don’t need you because you’re nothing without us” to “OhmygodIloveyoupleasestay”
There’s even a song about it:
https://soundcloud.com/stanleyodd/10-marriage-counselling
Dead bloody brilliant.
@saphy I don’t know if you have a Glaswegian accent meatside, but I can’t NOT read that in one..
@gilshalos I don’t yet, but will possibly cultivate one in future, for Malcom Tucker-esque expressiveness.
ALL things are improved with a Weegie voice.