The We Hunted the Mammoth Pledge Drive continues! If you haven’t already, please consider sending some bucks my way. (And don’t worry that the PayPal page says Man Boobz.) Thanks!
While we’re on the subject of creepy dudes and their terrible opinions about vaginas, I feel I would be remiss not to mention the whole “penis home” thing.
What penis home thing, you ask? Well, you may have heard about the recent fall from grace (oy there’s a cliché) of evangelical megachurch pastor Mark Driscoll, under fire for being a tyrannical buttheaded bigot with terrible opinions about women and LGBT folks. With Driscoll also facing accusations of abusive behavior, financial hanky panky, and even plagiarism, his Washington-based Mars Hill evangelical empire has been forced to shut down some of its local franchises.
Ok, you say, that’s sort of interesting, but what does it have to do with penis homes? I specifically asked about penis homes.
All right, penis homes. Some years back, Driscoll outlined what he saw as the proper Christian roles for our penises and vaginas. In a post on an internet message board from 2001 that’s recently been brought to the attention of the wider world, he offered these thoughts on (cis) men and the proper homes for their penises:
The first thing to know about your penis is, that … it is not your penis. Ultimately, God created you and it is his penis. You are simply borrowing it for a while.
Something borrowed, something blue. Wait, that last bit only applies to balls. I assume those are borrowed, too? Anyhoo, these penises need someplace to live.
While His penis is on loan you must admit that it is sort of just hanging out there very lonely as if it needed a home, sort of like a man wondering the streets looking for a house to live in.
But God doesn’t want your penis – sorry, His penis – to remain homeless. So He has very thoughtfully provided homes for these penises. Well, mobile homes, really, as they’re located within the ladies of the world:
Knowing that His penis would need a home, God created a woman to be your wife and when you marry her and look down you will notice that your wife is shaped differently than you and makes a very nice home.
But, you might say, aren’t there lots of places that penises can, er, take shelter in, from Fleshlights to the old standby, the human hand? Apparently these homes are not homey enough. Indeed, Driscoll warned unmarried men not to get too comfortable in these sorts of bachelor pads:
[I]f you are single you must remember that your penis is homeless and needs a home. But, though you may believe your hand is shaped like a home, it is not.
Also, the “homes” in which women who are not your wife might possibly offer you temporary shelter aren’t really good homes either, because they belong to … other men?
[T]hough women other than your wife may look like a home, to rest there would be breaking into another man’s home.
And speaking of men, don’t even think about seeking shelter in another man’s, er, garage?
And, if you look at a man it is quite obvious that what a homeless man does not need is another man without a home.
Besides, fellas, your penis ultimately belongs not to you or God but to your wife.
Paul tells us that your penis actually belongs to your wife, and once you are married she will trade you it for her home (I Corinthians 7:4), and every man knows this is a very good trade for him to make.
Just make sure you can sexually satisfy your new home with the penis that doesn’t belong to you. Learn to fuck that home like it needs to be fucked.
With his penis, the man is supposed to learn to please his wife and learn how to be patient, self-controlled and be educated on how to keep his home happy and joyous (I Corinthians 7:3).
Also, for proper results, make sure to get yourself a really sexy penis home.
The man should be aroused by his new home, and the wife should rejoice at seeing his penis rise to greet her (Song of Songs 5:14b).
Ok, I think I may have to give up sex for life.
Note: All of the preceding obviously only applies to cis folk; I’m sure thinking about sex involving trans folk would cause poor Pastor Driscoll’s head to explode. He should definitely never ever ever watch this video.
Now I totally want to make an earthbag home with an entryway shaped like a stylized vulva.
…it’s good enough for the doorways of Roman Catholic churches, why not my house?
Admittedly, an Episcopalian stylized vulva- door…
http://www.saint-philips.org/online/wp-content/uploads/2012/03/door.jpg
blahtastic: Admittedly, an Episcopalian stylized vulva- door…
Hmm – if you polish that lamp long enough, does the church shake?
Mark Driscoll, FUCK OFF. Literally. Please. You’ll be happier.
And now that I feel better, here’s something constructive. Back when I was in college (several years ago), I gave $10 (in person at a booth) to a charity that was helping to combat peer pressure in various African countries. It was teaching young (presumably straight) men that masturbation was just wonderful, and that contrary to what their friends may say, you don’t have to go out and find a woman to have sex with — perhaps unwilling, perhaps intoxicated, perhaps who you would pay without considering her life experience — in order to “be a man”.
All I remember is that it was a rather silly name, and it contained the word Touch. Anyone know what I’m talking about, by chance?
(P.S. I do not claim to know whether that was the best use of money being sent to those African countries. It was simply a message I felt able to get behind at the time.)
I shouldn’t have read this while drinking milk. Gonna need a new keyboard now,
Do you kiss your mother with that mouth, Phoenician?
I’m so glad people are starting to notice how odd Driscoll is. A lot of people seem to have fallen for his persona and been drawn in to the wacky version of Christianity he represents without quite realizing just how conservative it is underneath all the distracting decorations.
(The UK had our own version of this in the 80s. It fell apart too, eventually.)
Marinerachel, I don’t know what you’re talking about. Living in NZ, we are naturally concerned with seismic protection, especially for older structures.
Honestly, some people and their dirty imaginations…
Well, in person, it’s actually a very carefully constructed persona. He is really good at running right up to making some draconian hyperconservative point, but then pulling back and instead making a joke or some casual remark that isn’t very controversial. So the point still gets made, but the impression he leaves you with is that he’s this easygoing guy who’s not going to be a total dictator about it.
Like he loves saying that his daughters are very sweet and feminine and his sons are very rough and rowdy, and he leaves the strong implication that that’s how all kids ought to be, but he never actually says so.
I think his facade is crumbling because all this material is coming to life that demolishes the pretense that he might have meant something kinder and reveals that his actual opinions are as bad as they possibly could be.
And the only reason I’m not trapped there is because I was going to school out of state. I wasn’t even a conservative, just disaffected and impressionable, and the messaging is just that powerful. (Do you know that they have their own private Facebook clone?)
There but for the grace of God go I.
He really does have a lot of superficial charm, so it’s not surprising that he was able to draw people in. Hopefully they’ll start seeing through him now.
Men don’t own their penises? Masturbation is evil? Fundies don’t understand how gay men have sex but are also very strongly opposed to it? Having sex with a woman who isn’t your wife is like breaking into another man’s home because she might be someone else’s wife someday?
…
Okay, I’ve heard all of this before. It’s just that nobody ever summed it up in a such a cutesy, vomit-inducing way before.
Also, Katz, I’ve heard that he’s supposed to be the cool preacher. So he swears and listens to modern music and talks about sex (but only with the wife), so people don’t realize that he’s extremely conservative and promotes a very oppressive version of Christianity.
@Katz: That really is the truth. He skirts around the more hardline stuff and uses humor to diffuse things that would normally lead to indignation. Nobody really wanted to believe that he was really saying the same shit as the hellfire and brimstone churches, because Mars Hill is supposed to be hip, progressive and new generation.
His words, in writing, are what does him in. Rather than his dramatic preaching style, cleverly framing the most offensive bits with pageantry and verbal sleight of hand, it’s just out there, in black and white, without the Driscoll spin.
Also, the increasingly harsh church discipline coming to light freaked a lot of people out and rightfully so. I remember one instance where… it was almost perverse, in some ways. While church discipline has it’s place, he took things way too far, got way too involved with shit that was none of his business and he and the pastoral staff had this angry mob mentality. It’s hard to hide behind humor and downplay the more extreme stuff when you’re acting like a drunk fratboy.
That’s exactly how I’m hearing it. Preferably a proper church choir.
I’m glad I’m not a real estate agent or auctioneer. I’d never be able to hear “I’d like to make an offer” with a straight face again.
@kirbywarp, re: penis warehouses of God
There’s a “humorous” Finnish folktale of “just so” variety to explain something…
One day God decided to make give all the men penises for fun, and made a big batch of them, small ones, big ones, straight ones, curvy ones, penises of all kinds. He told one of his workers to shelve the penises so people could come and find a right one for them, God would be personally out to invite men to this event.
But the worker was lazy (because this was before forklift was invented), so he did not want to lift big ones to the top shelves and just rolled them to lower shelves, and lifted the small, light ones to the top shelves.
So when men came in, the big and tall ones trampled smaller men to get theirs first, but of course their eyes would spot only those on top shelves. When the smaller men came later, once the big men had picked out theirs, they discovered the treasure trove on the lower shelves…
Also, your song totally wins. Here, have all the internets, tubes and kitties in it.
skiriki, that story’s a hoot! XD
Some of Driscoll’s more infamous actions include writing a letter to a church a former member of his had started attending telling them not to let the former member join their church because they’d been in church discipline and couldn’t be allowed to escape it and making his pastors sign a clause that if they left they wouldn’t preach anywhere within a ten-mile (I think) radius of his church or any of its satellite churches.
Hey everyone, I know it’s really off topic but I just felt I should mention it since this is something I think is pretty important. Today a fairly large amount of websites are protesting what is basically the end of Net Neutrality. The ending of it like this will allow telecom companies to charge arbitrary fees to websites so that the ones who pay more will load faster. Doing so is not be hyperbolic a huge threat to the freedom and availability of any smaller website. If you want too I really suggest this website Battle for the Internet. It’ll put you in contact with your local lawmakers and let you express your opinion on this. Hope some of you will be willing to do so.
“well, there goes the neighborhood” – LOL!
When I was in Catholic school someone gave a talk where they said having sex outside of marriage was actually cheating on your future spouse. But now I know it’s actually a property crime.
ewwwwwww lol
I can’t believe people take any of this seriously. Didn’t he also say you shouldn’t masturbate while looking in the mirror ’cause basically that’s a homosexual act? I’m like a) wha? and b) …kind of *specific,* there, bud.
Pendraegon, your link had a few extra characters so I’m just reposting, ’cause I think it’s important. https://www.battleforthenet.com/
@Emmy Rae, I wish my Catholic school had said things that ridiculous. They just told us to use contraception.
Off topic:
Not sure if anyone here has seen much of the Scottish Independence Referendum news going on right now, but there was a fantastic backfire by the No campaign with an amazingly patronising and sexist advert aimed at women voters:
http://www.buzzfeed.com/jimwaterson/patronising-bt-woman#2i2rhh7
Watching it, try to remember that they honestly thought this would appeal to women voters and help the No campaign.
Their response after the backlash? “It’s not sexist, we know women just like that and we totally took those quotes from actual women so it’s legit”, the implication being that if you criticise the way that women are being represented in the video you are actually criticising women and WHO’S THE REAL SEXIST THEN HUH
Pendraegon: I tried to click on the link and got 404’d…
Ceebarks – Thanks for posting the correct link for me. I have failed the internet. lol
Being Scots, I am following the Indy Referendum campaign. 🙂
I managed to avoid seeing that ad when it was broadcast, but I found the memes it generated hilarious!
The Scottish referendum is definitely an interesting, I’m of Irish descent so I basically support anything that makes the English look silly. 😉 I’m curious to see what will happen in Spain and with the French Territory of New Caledonia if it passes.
William Wallace II?
No way?!?! Bwahahaha!