Categories
'bating bad science irony alert men who should not ever be with imaginary women ever misogyny NoFap penises playing the victim reddit sex

When you jerk off, you’re literally schtupping a sex demon, Christian NoFapper explains

The Devil made me jerk it

By David Futrelle

The NoFap movement has always been home to a certain amount of mystical woo.

Browsing through the NoFap subreddit — where self-described “fapstronauts” share advice and inspiration to help one another refrain from wanking it on the regular — you’ll find people not only touting the supposed health benefits of Not Fapping but also talking about the almost magical power of “semen retention,” said to transform ordinary wankers into sexy, irresistible geniuses.

But this sort of talk is pretty tame indeed compared to what goes on in the NoFapChristians subreddit, where the battle against wanking is seen as a part of the larger fight against Satan himself, and where talk about the alleged “demonic” power is often meant quite literally.

When we masturbate, a Christian fapstronaut called wsba910am tells us, “we are all having sex with demons.” And in his mind this is no mere metaphor.

It feels like a simple urge. It feels like some kind of harmless feeling. Then it takes control, and we’re an obedient slave to it. Think of the last time you masturbated but didn’t have porn. Heard any voices that weren’t there, like a woman moaning?

Er, what? Sometimes I hear my neighbors having sex. But I definitely haven’t heard any sex ghosts. Are you sure you aren’t just having phone sex, dude?

Felt something against your heart or your body that aroused you? A pull?

A pull? That might just be your own hand, dude.

What about when you watch porn? It’s a 2-dimensional screen. So, why are you turned on by it? Why do you think you’re having sex with this woman, while you’re really just touching yourself? Is it really fantasy, or is it a reality that we just choose to ignore?

I’m going to go with “fantasy,” but that’s not the answer wsba910am is looking for.

I mean, we’re all Christian. We all at least pretend that there’s a spooky devil out there trying to get us. But what if it’s really true? … Think about it: When you’re masturbating, is it really your highest and most aware/thoughtful self playing with your hand down there? Or is your brain turned off in a sense, and it’s something else that’s taken over?

Your brain is definitely working. Researchers have literally run fMRIs on people as they masturbate and tracked the parts of the brain that light up.

But again, that’s not what wsba910am wants you to think.

These are evil spirits that tend on mortal thoughts, incubi and succubi that prey on our desires for connection and validated sexuality, and they entice us through an addiction to cheap pleasures that we can get without having to risk any hurt by connecting to a real person.

Incubus Succubus? That’s one of my all-time favorite songs!

You are letting a spiritual demonic whore fornicate with you.

And she shall be known as “Rosy Palm and her five sisters!”

The enemy and his agents (sometimes teachers, parents, relatives, peers, exes, etc.) will hurt you and blame God as the evil one, but these are lies. All you have to do is think. Did Satan make the penis?

Well, to be fair, he might have made this one. (NSFW link, obviously.)

God is on our side. Trust him.

It’s the enemy who is trying to sleep with you and trick you into thinking that it’s all you.  … wake up.

tl:dr: Don’t wank yourself into hell.

In a follow-up comment, wsba910am offers some more thoughts on the evil spirits that keep putting the moves on him while he tries to get to sleep.

I’ve been for 5 years afraid of … admitting there’s anything demonic in my life. But the effects are obvious, both for good and evil. When we have sex with these imaginary women, we are letting bad spirits f**k us. 

Uh oh.

Is there a possibility that the voice you hear in your head, that the feelings that wash over you when you are being remotely aroused (i.e. not with a woman, or not even sometimes near a computer), that this is a spirit that is trying to sleep with you? … What if … this temptation was a pull from demonic sources?

Damn, dude, how fucking horny are you anyway?

It dawned on me the other night while I was lying down that there was something ‘on’ me. … what if there was some spirit that would try to sleep with me when I was trying to fall asleep? I mean, it’s not like a person who crawls into bed with you. It’s not that obvious. But there is still something there, that washes over me, that overtakes common sense and reality – the reality that it’s just me in my bed and not very romantic.

Dude, I’m pretty sure you wouldn’t be popping boners quite so frequently if you maybe … masturbated once in a while?

Just playing devil’s advocate here.

We Hunted the Mammoth is independent and ad-free, and relies entirely on readers like you for its survival. If you appreciate our work, please send a few bucks our way! Thanks!

52 Comments
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Nequam
Nequam
3 years ago

Yeah, I’m definitely looking forward to the inevitable revival of the Skoptsy.

Rob
Rob
3 years ago

I’ve masturbated a fair bit over the years but have never heard a disembodied voice speaking to me out of nowhere while I did it. Is there something weird about me?

kupo
kupo
3 years ago

Why do you think you’re having sex with this woman, while you’re really just touching yourself?

I…don’t, though?

It dawned on me the other night while I was lying down that there was something ‘on’ me. … what if there was some spirit that would try to sleep with me when I was trying to fall asleep?

Is this guy experiencing sleep paralysis? I’ve experienced the sleep paralysis incubus and it’s certainly a vivid and realistic hallucination, but it’s just your brain messing up the waking up/falling asleep sequence. It’s not actually real.

Daddy longarms
Daddy longarms
3 years ago

I grew up really Christian, and this was just common knowledge. We got little pamphlets about it along with numerous talks. I was in my twenties the first time I wanked, so it was certainly effective, but i wouldn’t recommend it, it definitely wasn’t healthy.

Bina
Bina
3 years ago

Mandatory:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eBlHpzBCv7M

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wv-34w8kGPM

And also:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hb37Nh_Sg4g

And no, can’t say as I’ve ever heard anyone moaning during, either. (I’m a strong, silent type, so.)

Troubelle: Moonbeam Malcontent, Bard of the New Movement
Troubelle: Moonbeam Malcontent, Bard of the New Movement
3 years ago

Succubus or incubus, foocubus we’ll say
Have become a common staple of the contradicting way
That we intertwine what’s attractive and what makes us led astray
So life goes on in some grand complex play

If all the world’s a stage, and the players all alone
You’d think we’d find it a comfort to have company at home
But an interloper in the bed that lets out a strange moan
Yeah, let’s just flip on the emergency broadcast tone

It’s a type encoded
And sometimes overloaded
With patterns some just don’t understand
But cause no alarm
It’ll do someone no harm
To take oneself in hand
Still the constructs of the past
They really do tend to last
And leech poison right up to the date
Long I’ve known this ain’t for me
I’ve long taken the choice to flee
But for these folks, I’d say–might be too late!

Don’t you meet their fate!

MicroChic
MicroChic
3 years ago

Okay, I’ve masturbated a LOT and I’ve never gotten visited by a succubus or incubus.

I suddenly feel cheated.

Hippodameia
Hippodameia
3 years ago

I only fornicate with non-spiritual demonic whores.

Catalpa
Catalpa
3 years ago

I dunno, I think that secretly having sex with a demon every time I have a wank sounds pretty hot. That one’s going in the fantasy files for later.

Ooglyboggles
Ooglyboggles
3 years ago

Masturbating = have sex with sexy demons they say…

Be right back

Valentin - Emigrantski Ragamuffin
Valentin - Emigrantski Ragamuffin
3 years ago

grew up really Christian, and this was just common knowledge.

I also grew up Christian and attending church, but I never remember anyone mentioning masturbation even one time. The church I attended was quite small however. My parents also did not mention it at all, and at school we only learned about “safe sex”, but not about masturbation. Basically it was absent from my life except for the kinds of jokes and silly stories that children and teenagers tell.

Jesalin: Clit-o-centric Lesbian Goddess
Jesalin: Clit-o-centric Lesbian Goddess
3 years ago

I dunno, I think that secretly having sex with a demon every time I have a wank sounds pretty hot. That one’s going in the fantasy files for later.

Oh hell yes!

Knitting Cat Lady
Knitting Cat Lady
3 years ago

@kupo:

What this guy was saying reminded me a lot of sleep paralysis as well.

I’ve never experienced it. I’m more the type for sleep walking and lucid dreaming.

From what I’ve read masturbation is actually quite good for sperm quality. Flushes out the old and tired sperm and keeps a high quality supply going. Much better for fertility, supposedly.

Pie
Pie
3 years ago

talking about the almost magical power of “semen retention,” said to transform ordinary wankers into sexy, irresistible geniuses.

So, what is the point of being sexy if you can’t actually have sex afterwards, on account of immediately losing your mystical essence?

I mean, we’re all Christian. We all at least pretend that there’s a spooky devil out there trying to get us.

Incubi and succubi don’t get a mention in the bible. If you believe in them, you’ve probably been reading and believing unofficial expansion packs and fanfics, and that means you’re probably going to hell anyway, so you may as well fap in the mean time.

Y’know, even the devil doesn’t get a shout out until you get to the new testament. Anyone might think that his importance was overblown or even invented out of whole cloth to use as a threat and a target for believers and marks, and to put in the marketing material…

@Knitting Cat Lady

From what I’ve read masturbation is actually quite good for sperm quality. Flushes out the old and tired sperm and keeps a high quality supply going. Much better for fertility, supposedly.

You’d only have to ejaculate a couple of days before actually needing to be at your most fertile, though, there’s no particular benefit in doing so before then. I’m also going to go out on a limb here and suggest that none of these guys need their fertility right now, which is why they’re so obsessed with masturbation.

Cat Mara
Cat Mara
3 years ago

@Jesalin: Clit-o-centric Lesbian Goddess:

I dunno, I think that secretly having sex with a demon every time I have a wank sounds pretty hot. That one’s going in the fantasy files for later.

Oh hell yes!

?

Very reminded of the opening arc of the Oglaf web comic (warning: NSFW. Like, really NSFW ?)

Citerior Motive
Citerior Motive
3 years ago

I’m Christian, and I certainly don’t believe in anything I’d describe as ‘a spooky Devil out their trying to get us.’

Daddy longarms
Daddy longarms
3 years ago

I also grew up Christian and attending church, but I never remember anyone mentioning masturbation even one time.

Sorry, yeah, my church was basically the Scandinavian version of American megachurches. It was some sort of Pentecostal thing. Different rules than other churches.

Valentin - Emigrantski Ragamuffin
Valentin - Emigrantski Ragamuffin
3 years ago

if I’m honest I thought maybe my church was the exception…

Kat, ambassador of the feminist government in exile
Kat, ambassador of the feminist government in exile
3 years ago

I’m a bookworm and have been since before I could read. (I looked at the comics and pretended I could read them.) So I was reading women’s magazines way before I was an adult. When I was 13-ish, I read in the physician-authored parents’ column of a women’s magazine that masturbation was completely normal. Whew! What a relief.

No-fap guys, take a chill pill. The admonishment not to fap is, in my opinion, a way to get people, especially guys, to marry. But are you in any position at all to marry? Can you understand a woman? Provide emotional support? How about economic support, should it be needed? What if children come along?

You’re much better off fapping, unless and until you are ready to marry. Don’t ruin a woman’s life — and don’t ruin the lives of potential, vulnerable children — just because you want penis-in-vagina sex.

Kat, ambassador of the feminist government in exile
Kat, ambassador of the feminist government in exile
3 years ago

And speaking of Reddit (along with other objects of continuing controversy) . . .

Alexa’s advice to ‘kill your foster parents’ fuels concern over Amazon Echo
Smart speaker’s remarks, apparently quoted from Reddit, come as Amazon tries to boost speaker’s conversational capacity

https://www.theguardian.com/technology/2018/dec/21/alexa-amazon-echo-kill-your-foster-parents

Quotes from noted hate-speech website Reddit — what could possibly go wrong!

Mish of the Catlady Ascendancy

I am definitely with Jesalin, Oogly, Catalpa, and anyone else who thinks this demon sex masturbation thing is pretty damn hot. Any poor no-fap soul reading the OP here is kinda doomed 🙂

@Cat Mara,

Is the opening arc of Oglaf the Cumsprite one? It was you who introduced me to that and I’ve still not recovered…

Cat Mara
Cat Mara
3 years ago

@Mish: Yes, that’s the one. ?

Shadowplay
3 years ago

I miss the enchantress/empress comics. She were cool.

(Though Oglaf is probably the one comic I follow that has never missed the mark. Guess sex is inherently funny or something.)

Talonknife
Talonknife
3 years ago

I mean, if demons are as sexy IRL as they always get made out to be in fiction… I’m down.

Dormousing_it
Dormousing_it
3 years ago

“It is better to satisfy the body, than to discolor the mind.”

– Chinese proverb

I may not have remembered it 100% correctly.

1 2 3
%d bloggers like this: