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Ladies! Scare off creepy pickup artists by looking like someone who goes to protests!

Nailed it!

The lady-botherers at Return of Kings have done the women of the world a huge favor today, offering them one weird trick that will enable them to avoid the icky attentions of the idiots who read Return of Kings.

It’s really quite simple: look like the sort of woman who protests Trump on the regular.

In a post titled “7 Reasons To Never Date A Girl Who Attends A Protest,” RoK contributor Mark Derian explains at length why protesting women make him wilt.

As Derian sees it, protesting is pretty much the equivalent of being addicted to prescription painkillers. “We attend protests for one reason and one reason only,” he boldly declares,

to cover up psychological issues we cannot manage on our own. We fabricate an impending social change because the real reason for our march is horrifying. In this sense, treat a girl who goes to a protest like a girl who has an addiction to pain killers. To anyone who isn’t in pain, vicodin doesn’t feel good—it feels like a low-grade death.

Weird, because that’s exactly the feeling I get reading Return of Kings.

Derian, drawing liberally from a vast assortment of alleged facts he keeps stored in his posterior, explains that protesty gals suffer from a wide assortment of psychological problems. The assortment is so wide that many of his complaints more or less cancel each other out.

On the one hand, protesty gals are “anti-social,” so socially maladjusted that they can’t accept that “other people have different views and … still be civil.”

On the other hand, protesty gals are too social, surrounded by “low-quality friends,” some of whom might even be fat.

A destructive relationship is like two crabs in a bucket, and a million woman march is a million crabs in a bucket. It’s a validation station of each other’s obesity and loneliness.

Protesty gals read too much:

A girl who has a sense of what it means to be happy wouldn’t be online reading news, the only purpose of which is to stoke her fear and anger. The most feminine girls I’ve known have come from different backgrounds, but they all had one thing in common: limited media consumption.

But they also read too little:

I appreciate a girl who reads—not xoJane but books. Reading indicates the ability to have and express thoughts, not opinions. It indicates the desire to learn, not consume. It indicates an interest in museums, not night clubs. It indicates the ability to sit and be okay with yourself, not get a hit from the world’s most powerful benzo—the self-righteousness of the mob.

This from a guy whose idea of great literature is Roosh’s BANG series of rape dating guides.

But in the end it doesn’t really matter why Derian dislikes protesty gals, just that he does.

While this is a great relief for those women who are currently engaging in mass protest, women who aren’t protesting at this moment may be mistaken for women who never protest, which leaves them at great risk of creepy dudes approaching them on the street to ask them where the nearest pet store is.

So how does one look like a protester when one is not currently protesting something? Here are a few tips:

  1. Carry a protest sign with you at all times.
  2. Wear one of those pink pussy hats at all times, even indoors and while sleeping.
  3. Chant continually. Anything that starts with “hey hey, ho ho” is good.
  4. Form human chains with women in your immediate vicinity.
  5. Periodically “take the streets.”
  6. Instead of carrying a purse, carry a bag emblazoned with the words GEORGE SOROS MONEY.
  7. Instead of perfume, gently douse yourself with pepper spray before heading out the door.
  8. Wriggle uncomfortably as if you haven’t been able to pee for ten hours.
  9. Punch a Nazi.

Hope this helps!

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Dalillama: Shepherd of Demonic Crocodiles.
Dalillama: Shepherd of Demonic Crocodiles.
5 years ago

You’re not being fair to the Scots (or possibly too fair). Many Scotsmen didn’t really approve of bargaining for wives. Offended their thrifty souls. Much cheaper to just kidnap a woman or two while you’re out stealing cattle. (Admittedly, some of my personal Scottish ancestors were Borderers; The Highland clans had a great deal more chill, despite their (justified ) reputation.

numerobis
numerobis
5 years ago

I hate the argument that free speech is 100% just a government thing. I think the whole government / private multinational corporation distinction is bogus.

If twitter were nationalized tomorrow, would you say that Milo then rightfully should get his account back?

I believe not. He’s guilty of inciting violence. There should be an official sanction. His freedom of speech, just like any other freedom, ends when someone else’s rights get impinged.

Fishy Goat
Fishy Goat
5 years ago

@Dalillama Definitely before 1745 the raiding had (mostly) stopped. 🙂 but before then….Yikes!

(And I say that as a MacLeod. ;))

Hambeast (fan of diversity)
Hambeast (fan of diversity)
5 years ago

Weird Eddie – I used to think that us social justice warriors turned up our noses at all those frozen peaches because of the bitter taste of hate and entitlement. Turns out that nasty aroma was due to more than a little bit of fascism, too.

dlouwe
5 years ago

@numerobis

If twitter were nationalized tomorrow, would you say that Milo then rightfully should get his account back?

Well, no. That’s why generally free speech laws have exemptions for hate speech. Using the “free speech laws only apply to government” argument doesn’t necessarily mean that government wouldn’t also be right to step in if they were involved, but rather that if the government isn’t involved then citing free speech is irrelevant.

Dalillama, Shepherd of Demonic Crocodiles
Dalillama, Shepherd of Demonic Crocodiles
5 years ago

@Fishy Goat
The Border Reivers and Moss-Troopers were mostly shut down in the early 17th century after James VI of Scotland became James I of England. At that point, diplomatic relations between the two nations became much better, and royal representatives on both sides of the border cooperated to put them down. Cattle theft continued to be a popular sport for another century or so, but kidnapping less so. After the harrowing of the Highlands in the aftermath of Culloden, the clan system and traditional practices were basically broken forever. In the case of some practices, it’s really for the better.

Paradoxical Intention - Resident Cheeseburger Slut

Ooglyboggles | February 3, 2017 at 12:25 pm
@Anon
Nothing more American than punching a Nazi.

http://static6.comicvine.com/uploads/scale_large/11/117763/2677627-captainamericacomics01.jpg

Nope.

And Jack Kirby had no time for Nazi bullshit either.

On occasion the Timely office would get phone calls and letters from Nazi sympathizers threatening the creators of Captain America. Once, while Jack was in the Timely office, a call came from someone in the lobby. When Kirby answered, the caller threatened Jack with bodily harm if he showed his face. Kirby told the caller he would be right down, but by the time Jack reached street level, there was no one to be found.

Hu's On First
Hu's On First
5 years ago

Anarchonist:

I’d like to see a movie made of The Rough Faced Girl. Now there’s a fairy tale that is 1. Algonquin, and 2. has a female lead who is definitely not conventionally attractive for most of the story.

Rabid Rabbit
Rabid Rabbit
5 years ago

Re: Beauty and the Beast

I’m fairly certain that the message of the original fairy tale is “Don’t worry, young one, the decrepit old man you’ll be marrying in a week may not be that bad.” On the other hand, the literally spelled-out moral of Bluebeard isn’t “Careful, you might marry a serial killer, and serial killers are bad” but “Silly curious women, don’t peek where you were told not to.”

Admittedly, no one knows how seriously we’re supposed to take Perrault’s moral tags.

LG
LG
5 years ago

Last time I was here in the comments section, we were still avoiding anything stronger than wishing our enemies to step on Legos. Have we moved on to Nazi punching being okay?

(I hope so, would love to share with y’all my parody lyrics for the Indiana Jones’ “Raider’s March” by John Williams…)

Scildfreja Unnýðnes
Scildfreja Unnýðnes
5 years ago

@LG, I’m taking David’s whole “punch a Nazi” in the actual content of his articles to indicate that it’s okay to talk about punching actual Nazis.

Kat
Kat
5 years ago

@anonymous

9. Punch a Nazi.

Inciting violence with “tip” #9. Liberal tolerance shines through yet again…

Why, oh why, won’t left-wingers tolerate intolerance?

Why in the world would any of them talk about punching a guy who advocates genocide?

Left-wingers are so darned mean!

Axecalibur: Middle Name Danger
Axecalibur: Middle Name Danger
5 years ago

@dlouwe

if the government isn’t involved then citing free speech is irrelevant

Yep

(((VioletBeauregarde))): Crooked Nasty Social Justice Necromancer
(((VioletBeauregarde))): Crooked Nasty Social Justice Necromancer
5 years ago

@ Kat: That will be added to my WHTM troll bingo.

Kat
Kat
5 years ago

@Violet
I’m honored!

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