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Return of Kings: Beware the insidious danger of the short-haired girl!

Hideous short-haired monster JEan Seberg poses with adorable mouse.
Hideous short-haired monster Jean Seberg poses with adorable mouse.

Having previously taken on such dire threats to Western Civilization as “fat girls,” “manginas,” and “rape tourettes,” the pickup-artists-cum-worldly-philosophers over at Roosh Valizadeh’s Return of Kings blog have decided to take on an even more insidious danger: Women — sorry, girls — with short hair.

In an alarming expose, guest blogger Tuthmosis reveals the shocking tuth, er, truth:

No woman in all of human history has ever looked better with short hair than she would with a head full of healthy locks.

So why are so many women choosing to cut off the long hair that men so universally admire (allegedly)? Tuthmosis has a few theories. One is that other women are convincing them to do it so that they can have all the short-hair-hating men to themselves. Yep. It’s hair sabatoge!

Women are quick to encourage other women to cut their hair by telling them how “cute” it is. While I’m no scientist, I’m convinced this is some deep, genetic programming at work, one that forces women—who compete with one another on a physical level on a daily basis—to encourage any behavior that might eliminate competitors in the dating pool.

And straight men contribute to this sorry state of affairs, too. Well, “cowardly and deluded men” anyway, according to Tuthy — though why exactly being “cowardly and deluded” would cause men to encourage women to cut their hair is never quite explained.

Tuthy also blames gay men, who apparently have the power to sway the minds of women en masse.

The plaudits a Miley Cyrus, Rihanna, or Anne Hathaway receive when they cut their hair off—from people who have no business commenting on the attractiveness of women, like gay men—creates a copycat cycle that increases the trend geometrically.

So what exactly is the problem with short hair? Don’t get Tuthy started on that!

Seriously, don’t get him started, because what he says makes no fucking sense.

The truth of the matter is that long hair’s almost universally attractive to men, when they’re actually speaking honestly (without trying to appease women in the room). Furthermore, it’s a symbol of youth, femininity, and health. Why can’t old women grow long hair? Because it’s an ephemeral trait of your fertile years.

Really?

Women instinctively know this, which is why every American girl who cuts, and keeps, her hair short often does it for ulterior reasons. Short hair is a political statement.

A political statement of what? A political statement that she won’t put up with assholes like you?

And, invariably, a girl who has gone through with a short cut—and is pleased with the changes in her reception—is damaged in some significant way. Short hair is a near-guarantee that a girl will be more abrasive, more masculine, and more deranged.

Ah, ok. So it does mean that she won’t put up with assholes like you.

I’d developed that belief on years of platonic interactions alone. The bitchiest work colleagues, the most difficult cashier, the most confrontational, aggressive cunts in bars have all shared one trait—short-ass hair.

Yep, it definitely means that.

Tuthy then relates the horrors he faced during his own brief experiences dating women with short hair.

One had rape fantasies and used four-letter words! (These are your complaints? The guy who runs the blog you’re posting on is an actual admitted rapist, and you yourself just used the word “cunt.”)

Another used racial slurs and later got an unflattering “soccer mom” haircut! (Racial slurs? I mean, that’s a dealbreaker for me, but you’re writing for a blog that’s crawling with out-and-proud racists. Aren’t racial slurs right up your alley?)

Yet another jerked him off while texting! (You’re not going to at least give her credit for her manual dexterity?)

He concludes with this:

Not only is short-hair unattractive, it’s one of the biggest signals a man can get that a woman is damaged beyond repair.

In other words, short hair on women appears to repel a certain kind of asshole. Make use of that information as you wish.

EDITED TO ADD: Oh dear. Apparently Tuthy’s dumb post was so dumb and offensive it managed to “go viral”” and generate a ton of hate-traffic for Return of Kings. Roosh, naturally, has decided to try to fan the flames with a “publisher’s note” reiterating Tuthy’s, er, “argument” and helpfully revealing to his new readers what a shithead he is.

Here are some quotes, along with some photos to remind us just who it is who is lecturing women about their hairstyles.

 

Sadly, the women who are blasting us right now with vulgar speech and masculine manner are treading the line of self-mutilation with their pixie cuts. If you know a girl who has voluntarily chopped off such a reliable indicator of female beauty and fertility, nothing short of an intervention with all family and friends is necessary to force the victim to grow her hair back out.

 

roosh-v-e1352992300348

 

I part now with a message of hope. Women: unless you have a smushed pig face, your attractiveness increases at least 6% for every inch your hair passes your shoulders. Don’t listen to people who are trying to sabotage your beauty by encouraging you to adopt a lesbian haircut.

 

roosh_v

 

We are the only ones who will be brutally honest with you. We are not shy to state where objective female beauty comes from, unlike the saboteurs in your life who are just trying to make it harder for you to find a good husband.

 

roosh-v-seems-more-like-douche-v

 

And for those of you especially sick women who think that you are going to punish us by cutting your hair, you’re only punishing yourself. Being lonely and having to settle for a brood of cats is not a good life for a woman, but that’s what will happen if you keep your hair short.

 

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leftwingfox
8 years ago

Tune in again for another episode of “MY FETISHES ARE THE CORNERSTONE OF A HEALTHY CIVILIZATION!” Next week, feet, and why the bobby sock is a biological marker of universally desired fertility.

kellybarnhill
8 years ago

I am cutting my hair TODAY.

DaveL
DaveL
8 years ago

Short hair is a near-guarantee that a girl will be more abrasive, more masculine, and more deranged.

It’s good to know “abrasive” and “deranged” belong in there with “masculine”. Way to strike a blow against misandry.

Yutolia
Yutolia
8 years ago

@leftwingfox: Definitely. I hate when certain very privileged groups think that because they believe something, everyone else must think the exact same way!

Gen
Gen
8 years ago

You’re not going to at least give her credit for her manual dexterity?

I lol’d. So short hair= assertive women? You’d think it would have worked when I cut my hair, but nope, I’m still the same person I was before changing my appearance.

MISANDRY!

damselindetech
8 years ago

I’ll give him one thing (other than a swift roundhouse kick to the teeth), I got the most unsolicited attention from guys when I had long blond hair down to my butt. Ironically, I had grown it out and fashioned it like that specifically for my wedding. So, right after the honeymoon, I cut it all off and haven’t looked back. He’ll probably read that as misandrist deception, as opposed to someone who didn’t have the foresight to skip all the headaches (literally – hair that long is bloody heavy) and just invest in a wig for the big day.

historophilia
historophilia
8 years ago

Proud owner of a vile and hideous head of short hair here, and I will be growing it long again some time around when hell freezes over.

It’s actually a pretty good filter though, any guy who makes a big deal out of women having short hair is in-fallibly an arsehole and therefore I can pretend they don’t exist without a shred of guilt.

Hyena Girl
8 years ago

Audrey Hepburn, truly a horror and a danger to western civilization… by western civilization I of course mean Tuthmosis’s boner.

historophilia
historophilia
8 years ago

What I also want to know is why short hair on women is such a controversial topic when everyone knows that the real hair travesty afflicting society today is men who have grown their hair long and don’t understand that healthy hair requires you to;
a) brush it
b) wash it regularly
c) that you don’t put conditioner on the roots
c) that it needs to be trimmed regularly to keep it healthy

Howard Bannister
8 years ago

Why can’t old women grow long hair? Because it’s an ephemeral trait of your fertile years.

LOLOLOLOLOLOL

Howard Bannister
8 years ago

“Lady, don’t you know you can’t grow that long hair? It’s ephemeral!”

amandajane5
amandajane5
8 years ago

I’m pretty sure my short hair is a sign that it’s growing in post-cancer. But I’m a trouble maker in that I like it and am planning on keeping it short. Rebellion!

leftwingfox
8 years ago

@Yutolia: Yeah, it’s a pretty common theme. You also see it a lot with the Christian patriarchy groups. “I’m not kinky! Male dominance and female submission, with spankings, is god’s will!”

by western civilization I of course mean Tuthmosis’s boner.

I didn’t realize the pillars of our modern civilization were literal.

Malitia
Malitia
8 years ago

I cut my hair short when I was 16 because of practical reasons… which turned out to be a good thing as thanks to stress much of it fell out in college some years later.

It didn’t even keep the creeps away, though.

Their thought processes were probably: Fat, not conventionally attractive, socially awkward she obviously won’t have any standards. But I had standards and thanks to bullying their creeping me out got nasty fight-or-flight reactions. :]

emilygoddess
emilygoddess
8 years ago

No woman in all of human history has ever looked better with short hair than she would with a head full of healthy locks.

I think I look better, but I’m assuming my opinion doesn’t count. My stylist also thinks I look much better with short hair, but he’s gay and apparently has “no place” having an opinion.

I’ve been keeping my hair short because I like it better, but if it also serves as PUA repellent, so much the better!

@amandajane, congrats on being post-cancer!

Deoridhe
8 years ago

I’m baffled by the idea that old women can’t grow long hair. As a long haired person, something I’m looking forward to is when I can have waist length silver hair.

This guy liking long hair makes me wonder if it isn’t worth cutting it off, though.

emilygoddess
emilygoddess
8 years ago

Oh, and he left out the other really obvious and boner-killing reason women cut their hair short: because other women think it looks good. As in, lesbian/bi/pan women. As in, I think women look fucking hot with short hair and I hope they think I look fucking hot with short hair.

The truth of the matter is that long hair’s almost universally attractive to men

Except in cultures where that’s not true (like the Maasai). Oops, did I spill some cross-cultural awareness in your evopsych?

FromAfar
8 years ago

I currently have long hair, and my boyfriend has gorgeous shiny brown locks befitting a model for a cover of a romance novel (I’m not the only one who thinks that, one of his friends saw a romance novel cover that looked EXACTLY like him, lol).

However, I grow my hair for locks of love, so I let it grow out absurdly long, then cut it back to pixie short, and repeat. Been doing that for over a decade now. It grows quick, so it only takes a year and a half for it to get over 15 inches. Strangely, my hair preferences have nothing to do with fashion or sex…hmmmm. It’s almost as if the things Tuthy posts are not true…

If my boyfriend cuts his hair I might just die of the sads though. But he is starting to get some of the George Clooney distinguished temple greys *swoon*, so maybe I could live with it 😉

si1verdrake
si1verdrake
8 years ago

I’m quite sure my boyfriend isn’t lying to me when he says he prefers my hair short, but he’s bi, so clearly he’s secretly a mangina or something, and thus excluded from the “almost universal” love of long hair that all males have.

And, as a bisexual woman, the idea that “No woman in all of human history has ever looked better with short hair than she would with a head full of healthy locks.” makes me laugh. Since short hair on women is a major turn-on for me. But looking better is all in the eyes of the men, who are the only people that matter, right?

opium4themasses
opium4themasses
8 years ago

@emilygoddess Sorry, but these studies of mostly western white college students disagree with you. Obviously, by studying mostly western white students we can understand fundamental truths about all humans and their fundamental desires for all of history.

fromafar2013
8 years ago

“Oops, did I spill some cross-cultural awareness in your evopsych?”

*Hands emilygoddess a towel*

Better mop that up before it soaks in. I hear it stains badly.

katz
8 years ago

I dunno, when I’ve spilled cross-cultural awareness, it’s usually just beaded up and run off.

cupisnique
8 years ago

“short-ass hair”

Do people have long-ass hair? I mean not to police other people’s aesthetic choices but not sure why Tuthy wants long ass hair.

Bonelady
Bonelady
8 years ago

58 years old and hair almost to my waist… So when does it all fall out? At 60? 70? I like long hair – it’s cheaper. I get my sister to whack off an inch or so every few months, and don’t have to mess with beauty shops, etc. These guys are sooooo weird. T. Beale is also pushing this post in Alpha Game but as a good thing – guys can tell when women have “issues” that might make them bad wife material…. A whole 1 woman told Tuthmoses (the original came from a culture where women shaved their heads and wore wigs, btw) that she thought short hair made her unattractive because men were hitting on her 90% less! but that she liked it because she wanted to be left alone after a breakup, which of course, means that all women do that stuff. Vox goes on to compare short haired women to men who do not bathe for extended periods of time and suggests that women who have short hair have mental problems as well as “issues”, because of course, there is nothing women want more than to be attractive to the men. Ick. I’ll stop now – I’m getting nauseous.

bodycrimes
8 years ago

That short hair post was one of the funniest things ever to come out of the Manosphere. Plus, in the last couple of months, not less than FOUR Manosphere bloggers have tackled the problem of female short hair.

And check this – they’ve really tapped a vein of angst. Tuthmosis’s post got more than 2,500 comments. That’s literally hundreds and hundreds of men who are weeping over lost hair.

You can see why they keep saying men are superior. It’s their attention to detail.

Minute, trivial, silly detail.

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