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Hot dead chick reveals dark female secrets to Return of Kings, including the dog stuff

Watch out boy she'll chew you up
Watch out boy she’ll chew you up

Ladies! The jig is up. Your deepest, darkest secrets have been revealed to the world at last, by one of your own. And they are more sordid than any of us dudes would have ever imagined.

Several years back, you see, there was this super-hot early-thirties hottie, and she was dying of cancer. But before she succumbed she decided to let her best male friend know the dirty secrets about women that the sisterhood tries so hard to keep men from learning,

It just so happened that this best male friend was a dude named, uh, let’s say “Bob Smith,” who now writes for the prestigious online publication Return of Kings, and he’s decided to reveal the shocking “inside information … regarding what women were really all about” to the men of the world.

Amazingly, the dark and dirty secrets the late hot chick revealed to Bob just happened to line up exactly with what misogynistic douchebags believe about women anyway. 

Apparently women are all a bunch of overgrown children who are

looking for our true daddies, basically – the idealized daddies that we never had – somebody who can … call us out on our bullshit and put us in our place.

Also, they’re totally a bunch of big fake phonies:

Our faces are fake (makeup), our hair is fake (dyed), our boobs are fake (some of us), everything about us is fake. Most especially when it comes to what is inside of us. 

And the revelations keep coming: Women are liars and cheaters and schemers who hate other women, whom they see mostly as competition, and themselves, because they know better than anyone else how terrible they are. And because they are basically masochists, the only men who truly light their fires are those who use them sexually,

then discard us like used toilet paper, and f**k our female friends afterwards, just because [they] can. (Just like we would do with his male friends.)

Remember, this is all SUPER TRUE because it was told by an ACTUAL HOT CHICK to someone who calls himself Bob Smith, and later published in the most reputable publication in the world.

Which means the dog stuff must be true, too.

But before we get to that we also need to deal with the REAL TRUE TRUTH about the female sex drive, which is that women are like a billion times hornier than men. In the words of the dead hot chick herself, which I have slightly censored,

Women are receptacles for [deleted], that’s how we have been biologically designed. Nothing feels better to us than being [deleted] [deleted] with multiple [deleted], than being the [deleted] of [deleted] [deleted], than being the [deleted] of unbridled [deleted] [deleted].

Ok, I might have gone a little bit overboard with the censorship there and made that very dirty passage seem even dirtier than it really was. I have to admit that some of the words I deleted, or possibly most of them, weren’t actually naughty at all. But trust me. It was pretty bad.

And we haven’t even gotten to the dogs yet.

Brace yourself.

Dead cancer hottie’s most disconcerting revelation is that women like dogs. As in, really like dogs, nudge nudge wink wink.

That is,

many women – many, many women – have sex with dogs on a routine basis. …

I can see why you might not believe it, to which I say, look really hard at all of the women you know who have dogs. Look at women who have dogs whenever you see them out on the street, in the act of walking those dogs. Or at the park. You will notice that most of them have male dogs – the vast majority, in fact. This isn’t a coincidence.

Fellas, I know you’re probably as shocked as I am. But remember: this was in Return of Kings, a publication renowned around the world for its rigorous fact-checking procedures, and

Oh, wait, I was thinking of The New Yorker.

This was on Return of Kings.

Which means “Bob Smith” was almost certainly just making it all up, dog stuff included. What a relief! Hot cancer girl probably never even existed!

Hell, I’m beginning to suspect that “Bob Smith” isn’t even his real name.

NOTE: In all seriousness, “Smith’s” post is so ludicrous I wonder if someone is pranking Return of Kings. But the commenters on RoK are eating it up and offering their own thoughts on women and dogs.

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Imaginary Petal (formerly dhag85, trying out pronouns - they/their)
Imaginary Petal (formerly dhag85, trying out pronouns - they/their)
6 years ago

Am I the only one seeing Ashara Payne’s comment as the latest one, no matter how many comments are posted after it?

Matt
Matt
6 years ago

Shorter RoK: “Don’t worry, furry readers! You are not alone, this deceased hot chick we totes didn’t make up is into dog-mongling TOO!”

Dalillama
Dalillama
6 years ago

@ Imaginary Petal
I also see that.

EJ (The Other One)
EJ (The Other One)
6 years ago

I see it too. Ashara also uses the now-disabled “reply” function to posts sometimes, so I think she might be using a WordPress client with some interesting quirks.

Ashara Payne
Ashara Payne
6 years ago

Hmm, odd.
I’m just using an iPhone and Safari. Once I’ve commented for the first time, I tend to just read emails and reply from there.

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