The We Hunted the Mammoth Pledge Drive continues! If you haven’t already, please consider sending some bucks my way. (And don’t worry that the PayPal page says Man Boobz.) Thanks!
While we’re on the subject of creepy dudes and their terrible opinions about vaginas, I feel I would be remiss not to mention the whole “penis home” thing.
What penis home thing, you ask? Well, you may have heard about the recent fall from grace (oy there’s a cliché) of evangelical megachurch pastor Mark Driscoll, under fire for being a tyrannical buttheaded bigot with terrible opinions about women and LGBT folks. With Driscoll also facing accusations of abusive behavior, financial hanky panky, and even plagiarism, his Washington-based Mars Hill evangelical empire has been forced to shut down some of its local franchises.
Ok, you say, that’s sort of interesting, but what does it have to do with penis homes? I specifically asked about penis homes.
All right, penis homes. Some years back, Driscoll outlined what he saw as the proper Christian roles for our penises and vaginas. In a post on an internet message board from 2001 that’s recently been brought to the attention of the wider world, he offered these thoughts on (cis) men and the proper homes for their penises:
The first thing to know about your penis is, that … it is not your penis. Ultimately, God created you and it is his penis. You are simply borrowing it for a while.
Something borrowed, something blue. Wait, that last bit only applies to balls. I assume those are borrowed, too? Anyhoo, these penises need someplace to live.
While His penis is on loan you must admit that it is sort of just hanging out there very lonely as if it needed a home, sort of like a man wondering the streets looking for a house to live in.
But God doesn’t want your penis – sorry, His penis – to remain homeless. So He has very thoughtfully provided homes for these penises. Well, mobile homes, really, as they’re located within the ladies of the world:
Knowing that His penis would need a home, God created a woman to be your wife and when you marry her and look down you will notice that your wife is shaped differently than you and makes a very nice home.
But, you might say, aren’t there lots of places that penises can, er, take shelter in, from Fleshlights to the old standby, the human hand? Apparently these homes are not homey enough. Indeed, Driscoll warned unmarried men not to get too comfortable in these sorts of bachelor pads:
[I]f you are single you must remember that your penis is homeless and needs a home. But, though you may believe your hand is shaped like a home, it is not.
Also, the “homes” in which women who are not your wife might possibly offer you temporary shelter aren’t really good homes either, because they belong to … other men?
[T]hough women other than your wife may look like a home, to rest there would be breaking into another man’s home.
And speaking of men, don’t even think about seeking shelter in another man’s, er, garage?
And, if you look at a man it is quite obvious that what a homeless man does not need is another man without a home.
Besides, fellas, your penis ultimately belongs not to you or God but to your wife.
Paul tells us that your penis actually belongs to your wife, and once you are married she will trade you it for her home (I Corinthians 7:4), and every man knows this is a very good trade for him to make.
Just make sure you can sexually satisfy your new home with the penis that doesn’t belong to you. Learn to fuck that home like it needs to be fucked.
With his penis, the man is supposed to learn to please his wife and learn how to be patient, self-controlled and be educated on how to keep his home happy and joyous (I Corinthians 7:3).
Also, for proper results, make sure to get yourself a really sexy penis home.
The man should be aroused by his new home, and the wife should rejoice at seeing his penis rise to greet her (Song of Songs 5:14b).
Ok, I think I may have to give up sex for life.
Note: All of the preceding obviously only applies to cis folk; I’m sure thinking about sex involving trans folk would cause poor Pastor Driscoll’s head to explode. He should definitely never ever ever watch this video.
How many penises does God have, exactly? He must have warehouses full of them, given the rate at which penis-havers are born. And since He apparently decides who gets one and who doesn’t, it seems like a pretty big racketeering scandal. Foist a loan on someone who can’t refuse, then demand exorbitant interest in return.
God apparently is the kingpin of the penis mafia!
*hot-damn the snark just keeps on coming with this one…
@fruitloopsie:
Only someone like Mark could interpret a passage about mutual partnership as being solely about human tetris.
One of the criticisms from other evangelicals has been that Driscoll is too willing to acknowledge that sex is a thing that people care about. They think he’s crossed the line from “yes, you can be Christian and still enjoy sex” to “let me use sex to sell you on Christianity”. From what I’ve read, I can’t even say they’re necessarily wrong.
Kirbywarp
I guess when boys get that age, God comes in and hands them a penis and makes him sign a contract until he reaches a certain age and the process will start all over. But I’m a woman, my lady brain can’t handle logical facts.
*starts singing* She’s a brick… House!
According to a graph on the internet, the average PIV intercourse episode lasts about 6 minutes from entering to ejaculation. That’s not much time at home. Presumably outside of that time each penis is out and about working and earning money to support some lazy vagina/home.
@fruitloopsie:
That did it. That broke my brain. This and the “just a penis dude” have melded into a bombardment of crass images, bizarre scenarios, and endless snark. I fear I’m gonna have to just let my brain fizzle for a bit.
Is Driscoll speaking to adults? Because this sounds like the plot of the world’s worst children’s book. Peter the Peen Finds a Home.
As a FTM, I feel better that I have brain-explode-y potential after that wreck. This reads like some kind of talk you’d give children. The slow, disturbing kind.
I guess I fell through the cracks when it came to penis-loaning contracts from God. Or I have a hot mess of stuck innies that I can’t return to the manufacturer.
Your freaking wedding night seems a little late in life to be learning that cis men and women are built differently.
That’s why you should always attend the open house before making a purchase. Which might go a little against the message Driscoll is trying to get across.
————
But yeah, it’s pretty gross how childish the language is. Also, if you follow the link and look at the screencap of Driscoll’s original post on the matter, he gets really indignant when people question his interpretation of bible passages, lambasting translators for being too skittish about translating twilight-level descriptions of genitals. He definitely had an agenda.
Here’s some more snark for you:
What about transgender penii? What if you want to get one and you paid for it yourself? Does it still belong to God? Is it a rental? Does it belong to the insurance company that helped you pay for it?
What abut hiring a sex worker? Is that considered a rental? a Subrental?
What if you don’t want a penis? if you decide you no longer need it or you never wanted it in the first place, do you give it back to God? Some random woman on the street to adopt?
What if you have erectile dysfunction?
What I f your dick is not working properly? can you get a refund? Do you have to give it back to God? And why would God hand out broken penii? What about wear and tear?
Well he obviously didn’t think ths all the way through.
@kirbywarp
I hope your brain fixes itself soon. Here are some red pandas playing in the snow to help.
Toujoursgai: Your freaking wedding night seems a little late in life to be learning that cis men and women are built differently.
I believe the good pastor is making the assumption that the first time a man will know what a woman looks like under her clothes is when he comes to the wedding bed.
Uh-huh.
Kirbywarp
“Only someone like Mark could interpret a passage about mutual partnership as being solely about human tetris.”
‘Human Tetris’ Pfft! Lol
What I mean is that there are self proclaimed Christians that use the bible to justify their actions which include abuse, comparing themselves to God, treating minorities less than human and other unspeakable acts.
My phone had an update and it won’t let me type anatomical terms now. Only penis. Oh wait! Now it’s working. Phew. That was weird.
“That did it. That broke my brain.”
Sorry 🙁
@fruitloopsie:
Oh, don’t even worry. It was broken in a hilarious way. I’m all good now. Still imagining a wary peen trumping down the sidewalk with a handkerchief satchel on a pole on its shoulder, going past rows and rows of vagina homes, some occupied, some foreclosed, wondering when it will finally find its place in the world, but still.
@ej:
Daww. 🙂
OMG. Is leocigale in this thread yet? 😀 😀
Kirbywarp, when I look at your posts as a speech bubble coming from your avatar image, it looks like Bootsey is talking about penises and it confuses the distinct compartments of my mind where Cute Kitties are kept far apart from Penises.
@Policy of Madness:
Are they the one that did the “just a penis” cartoons? All the yes. That scene now raises a question brought up in the comments section of the linked op. If vaginas are penis-homes, who does the lawn-mowing?
@saphy:
Oh noes! Maybe I should switch… Bootsey has had plenty of time in the spotlight (praise her). Although my older avatars of Kirby might not be much better on the conflicting message front.
Oh god, I haven’t paid respects recently.
Praise be to Bootsey. Praise be.
@Kirbywarp, nooooo! We need the face of Bootsey with us always! She is our queen, our light, the song that every heart sings in praise for the wonders of creation.
She is… Bootsey.
I’ll just learn to cope with the dissonance of Penis-talking Bootsey.
Question: Are vaginas also on loan? Would that make getting married more like a sublease instead of buying a home? That would really complicate kirbywarp’s question about who is responsible for maintenance.