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Porn’s huge dingles are a form of “psychological warfare” against men, Return of Kings insists

The hot dog is a lie!
The hot dog is a lie!

Brace yourself, fellas, because Return of Kings is about to blast you with THE TRUTH about those gigantic peens you find everywhere in porn — the TRUTH being that porn penises tend to be larger than the average penis in the real world.

I know this may come as a shock, but unlike most of what appears in Return of Kings, this particular assertion is true. The average erect penis, regular RoK contributor “Bob Smith” informs his readers, is roughly 5.2 inches long, according to some scientific study, whereas the average penis in porn is, well, quite a bit larger than that, according to pretty much every porn clip involving penises that’s out there. I mean, you’ve watched porn, right?

Why so big? Bob Smith thinks he knows: it’s all about making dudes, especially white dudes, “feel like your own equipment is the genital equivalent of sporting a sub-100 IQ.”

After innumerable breathless paragraphs attempting to prove that most porn schlongs are not only larger than average but also fake — nothing more than cleverly designed prosthetics — Smith asks why the porn industry is so obsessed with size.

It couldn’t possibly be that male porn consumers tend to prefer big dicks in the porn they watch, for assorted psychological reasons I don’t completely understand.

Nah, it has to be a CONSPIRACY against the white man.

Now, why would the porn moguls want to do things this way. Well, I can think of one main reason – for purposes of psychological warfare.

The uber-rich own everything, porn-production companies included. And we already know they use mainstream Hollywood films to fuck with your head. And if they can get inside your head, and make you feel bad about yourself, while you watch porn movies, they win again. …

If most men believed that their equipment was substandard, well, that would definitely have a negative psychological effect on them and white men in particular, who always seem to come out second-best in today’s porn films.

Smith does allow that your average black dude might also feel a bit bad after watching all those BBC’s in porn, “because the average black man isn’t packing anything close to what the black porn actors appear to be packing.”

Porn’s big peens also make straight women feel sad in their pants, Smith suggests.

So women go looking for those gigantic porn phalluses out in the real word, because most young females today are raised on Internet porn as well as the Bunyanesque tales regarding massive penis sizes, told to them by their exaggerating girlfriends, and then they can’t find them. So they feel like they are not getting the very biggest and the very best that the world has to offer, and consequently, they feel unsatisfied.

After busting porn’s big dingle conspiracy wide open, Smith turns his attention to those scenes in which female porn stars squirt like Buckingham Fountain — concluding, as you might expect, that these scenes are also faker than fake. This actually seems like a fairly plausible thesis.

So is this a plot to make your average non-squirting real woman feel bad about herself? Smith does acknowledge that seeing female squirters in porn might make some vagina owners feel frustrated and “inadequate.”

But the real target? Dudes. Women need to have someone to take out their assorted sexual frustrations on, you see, and, well, you guessed it:

That would be us. That would be men. Psychological warfare.

What did you do in the war, daddy?

I watched a lot of porn, son. I watched a lot of porn. 

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Axecalibur: Middle Name Danger
Axecalibur: Middle Name Danger
5 years ago

@Redsilkphoenix: Jetpack Vixen
Capital nicknym choice. Simply capital… *sips tea with pinky extended*

That porn vid sounds absolutely amazing. Sundress, dancing, surprise ending! I’m so in

Emma
Emma
5 years ago

Someone might have mentioned this already, but the average IQ in the US is 99. So the analogy doesn’t make the point he intends. Yes, average men have penises that are smaller than those of porn stars AS WELL AS possessing sub-100 IQs.

ProTip: average women don’t look like porn stars either.

Redsilkphoenix: Jetpack Vixen
Redsilkphoenix: Jetpack Vixen
5 years ago

@Axecalibur:

Thank you. I was looking for one for a while now, since everyone else around here has one now. And then Imaginary Petal ran that list of imaginary porn titles on the previous page, and…. 😀

Robert Walker-Smith
Robert Walker-Smith
5 years ago

I have enjoyed Runyon’s prose quite a bit. He always seemed to have a certain fondness for his characters (like Wodehouse that way). He did one short story, “Gentlemen, the King!” which took some of his typical personnel out of Gotham, that I especially enjoyed. I’ve also read Ring Lardner, Jr, and H.L. Mencken, who have a higher bitterness quotient than I care for.

Regarding penis size, I’ve always found it a tiresome obsession. It never mattered to me, and I’ve never understood why it matters to others.

Jaygee
Jaygee
5 years ago

@Kevin re: cars compensating for penis size: https://youtu.be/SV9Uu2T0q0E
(This is kinda late, but people might get a kick out of it anyway.)

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