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Chewing on gristle at Chateau Heartiste

Heartiste's nonsense is a bit hard to swallow.
Heartiste’s nonsense is a bit hard to swallow.

I‘m beginning to wonder if Chateau Heartiste isn’t so much a “Game” blog as it is an elaborate unannounced contest to see who can say the worst possible things about women in the most pretentiously incoherent prose. My evidence? Heartiste’s latest choice for “comment of the week” from an aspiring ladykiller (hopefully not literally) who calls himself burke.

Burke’s grand insight into the female of the species?

if you could grind a woman’s entire being to dust with your dick, like a mortar and pestle, that’s the oblivion she is searching for

Well, that’s pretty good, as far as pretentious douchebagginess goes, but it’s almost coherent. I mean, dicks are roughly the same basic shape as pestles, and it’s not hard to visualize one grinding away in a little stone bowl. Hell, there’s probably some porn video out there featuring just that.

But then Heartiste comes along and offers his own comment on the comment, and shows burke just how it’s done. And by “it” I mean “awful, pretentious, incoherent misogyny.”

Insight elevated to sheer poetry by the breezy lack of punctuation. Women secretly desire their oblivion at the insistence of an imperious man. As the vessel sex, they must be filled with the life force of another — a powerful man, or a child — to fully experience sublimation of their souls. Thus it is that surrender is encoded in the gristle of woman.

The gristle? It’s “encoded in the gristle?”

Gristle is cartilage. The tough stuff in meat that’s hard to chew. The stuff that sharks have instead of bone. Nothing is “encoded” in it. Animals don’t store all of their genetic material in their gristle.

The somewhat archaic phrase “in the gristle” means “not yet hardened into bone or strengthened into sinew” or, more broadly, “young, weak, and unformed.” It’s not a fancy synonym for “in the genes.”

Here’s the phrase in a sentence — that is, in a sentence written by someone who actually knew how to use language.

A people who are still, as it were, but in the gristle, and not yet hardened into the bone of manhood.

Well, come to think of it, that’s a sentence fragment, not a sentence. But at least Edmund Burke understood why that particular metaphoric phrase made sense in that context.

Heartiste, not even competently pretentious.

 

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amybethwp
8 years ago

On the topic of using bc and not menstruating, I use the Nuvaring and don’t take a week between changing them with my doctor’s approval. I was having migraines that lasted the whole week of my period and my OB/gyn suggested that as a solution. It has been such a relief!

The sex ed discussion made me think of an incident with my older son right after his brother was born. He naturally had many questions while I was pregnant and I answered them in an age appropriate manor (he was 4 1/2). He was very concerned about where the baby would come out so I got books with illustrations of the female reproductive system. He wanted to see the hole where it was going to happen ON ME. I like to think I’m pretty open, but that was a no. He seemed to accept that, or so I thought. While I was in the hospital, my mother in law brought him for a visit. As soon as he walked into the room he asked at the top of his voice ” NOW can I see the hole where the baby came out?” I think my MIL, who is not overly comfortable with body topics, wanted to fall through the floor.

Seranvali
Seranvali
8 years ago

I have a small contribution to the period discussion. When I was young and inexperienced I went to my doctor with a bad case of thrush just after a period. He was very helpful. He cave me anti fungal ointment and a piece of unusual advice. He suggested adding some unsweetened, unflavored, probiotic yoghurt to my tampons. It would act as a lubricant, would maintain the right ph balance and would get rid of anything fungal or bacterial. I followed his advice and though I had huge problems with my reproductive system but I never got infections and had no problems with tampons.

marinerachel
8 years ago

The yoghurt is actually introducing bacteria to the vagina. Yoghurt is mold. It’s the result of bacterial fermentation of milk. You’re putting good bacteria into your vagina to out-compete the bacteria that needs to be kept at bay. When your pH is knocked off kilter and a bacteria proliferates that should be present in your vagina to a lesser extent you get bacterial vaginosis. Your vagina’s pH can and usually is normal when you have a yeast infection so treating it with a pH stabiliser won’t help. You need to limit the growth of Candida either by killing off the Candida or out-competing it to beat a yeast infection. Reestablishing normal pH AND introducing “good” bacteria may work to treat BV.

Tracy
Tracy
8 years ago

Vagina talk!

Like @LBT, I am a total menstrual cup convert. I adore the thing, and am really glad it works for me – my periods actually got lighter and shorter. I had to use pads along with the cup for the first few months, but not anymore (may I recommend Party In My Pants for awesome cloth pads… some very cool retro fabrics!)

Weird thing happened when I started using the cup – I was emptying it and cleaning up, and… well, what looked like a big slab of meat was in there. Happened again – lots of pain beforehand, then a ‘popping’ sensation. Turns out it was an enormous hunk of uterine lining, pretty much in the shape of my uterus. Periods since then have been awesome and trouble-free (I used to be really heavy and get horrible cramping). No clue if this has anything to do with switching from tampons to the cup – the last time I used a tampon (after using the cup for about 8 months) I had a horrible allergic reaction so maybe something was going on there, who knows.

Re: sex ed – I went to catholic elementary school, and we actually had decent sex ed. My Gr. 7 teacher (who is now my stepmother, looooooong story) had a question box at the front of the room so we could submit anonymous sex questions, and she’d answer them pretty honestly. My mum was really open too, and she had some very interesting books.

kittehserf
8 years ago

Tracy, yikes! Getting chunks sounds really scary, even apart from the pain.

Tracy
Tracy
8 years ago

It was! At the time, I was eating a restricted diet (recovering from celiac) that was mainly meat, and my first thought was “OMG I am eating too much meat. I AM PASSING MEAT.”

seranvali
8 years ago

Marineracheal:

Doctors seem to be using yoghurt and raw honey as treatment for antibiotic-resistant infections (yoghurt) and wound dressings (honey) too. I was in hospital being treated for cancer a while ago and picked up two of the damned things. They had me in isolation for weeks and then some bright spark decided to feed me probiotic yoghurt. They were both gone in less than a week. I got really fond of yoghurt after that and started buying it by the liter, then learned to make my own. My doctors said that there were so many antibiotic-resistant infections floating around hospitals these days that they were considering recommending that it should be given to both patients and staff (the nurses said that most of them had the infections too. They were really easy to pick up) on a regular basis.

I’m a big fan of yoghurt. Without it I’d have been stuck in isolation for even longer.

ray-p-mc-ray-per-son
ray-p-mc-ray-per-son
8 years ago

“if you could grind a woman’s entire being to dust with your dick, like a mortar and pestle, that’s the oblivion she is searching for”…few women ever get experience such pleasure, thats why sites like this exist.

sparky
sparky
8 years ago

ray-p-mc-ray-per-son:

You obviously have no idea what women like, sex-wise. See, women are actually individual people who have different individual tastes! Weird, huh?

But, no, gumdrop, no man can ever “grind a woman’s entire being into dust” with their penis. Men just don’t have that power. And any man who would want to be able to do that is a creepy asshole.

So kindly fuck off.

Ally S
8 years ago

@ray-p-mc-ray-per-son

W-o-w y-o-u-r n-y-m i-s r-e-a-l-l-y f-u-c-k-i-n-g a-n-n-o-y-i-n-g g-t-f-o

hellkell
hellkell
8 years ago

rayray: what you fools don’t realize is that no sex is better than bad sex, which is all you PUA jagoffs have on offer.

cassandrakitty
cassandrakitty
8 years ago

If temporary oblivion was what I wanted there are drugs that can get a person there much more reliably than some dude’s pestle-dick.

kittehserf
8 years ago

So, the only reason feminist sites exist is because not many women get subjected to boring painful pounding by Mr Dry Dick great sex?

LOL no.

Lea
Lea
8 years ago

ray-p-mc-ray-per-son,

Oh, cupcake…jealousy looks so good on you.
Don’t ever change.
I’m sure you’d just love to hear all about how wrong you are.

Nice try.
Almost cute.
We’re not going to tell you about our sex lives.

kittehserf
8 years ago

Mr Hyphen Fixation says “pleasure”. I do not think it means what he thinks it means.

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