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"Whilst my canteen of a d*ck wast roaming her cavern" and other bon mots from the worst short story ever written

2010-Roosevelt-Dime

I think I may have discovered the worst piece of short fiction ever written. It’s on a manosphere/pickup-artist blog called Colonel Crimson (slogan: “The Colonel of Truth”).

Here’s how it starts:

So I’m in bed with a dime and she says to me, “Willis, what are your goals in life?”

“Simple, Adime,” I respond with my larynx. “To explore the caverns of dimes throughout the world.”

And it only gets worse from there. I would quote the worst bits, but then I’d have to quote the whole thing. Pretty much everything is a worst bit.

There’s some domestic violence, some utterly horrifying descriptions of sex, a lot of mansplaining, and even a sammich joke. There’s an element of self-parody to it — or at least I hope that’s what I’m seeing there — but the author seems to actually believe all the things he’s gently satirizing. You should of course go and read the whole thing immediately.

If you’re hesitating, here’s another sample:

I remind her of her last gentleman suitor. Average height, median weight. Put the schlub in the word schlub. “Do you remember when he strapped on his kneepads and proposed marriage to you?”

“Unfortunately I do.”

“And do you have any recollection of how the beaver felt in that moment?”

“Dry.”

Oh, and in case you were wondering, a “dime” is a Hot Babe 10. Either that or the dude is having hallucinations about talking currency.

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serrana
8 years ago
Fibinachi
8 years ago

I’m honored.

Happy holidays, people 🙂

Buttercup Q. Skullpants
Buttercup Q. Skullpants
8 years ago

Happy holidays to you, Fibinachi, and thank you for the awesome sequel! I’m sure it’s tough mining for bitcoins with just a canteen.

@kittehserf – aw, thanks! Moar kitties makes it extra special 😀

The Gobi is a hypergamous slut, everyone knows that. It’s just waiting for an alpha tectonic plate to come along so it can divorce it and take half its mountains.

Buttercup Q. Skullpants
Buttercup Q. Skullpants
8 years ago

Oh wait, I’ve got that all wrong. First it rides the Alpha Rock Carousel. Then comes continental drift. By the time it’s 30 million years old, it will be a lonely, wrinkly island populated by cats.

Argenti Aertheri
Argenti Aertheri
8 years ago

No no, it’s riding the cock carousel south until it gets to that beta Nepal so it can spermjack Nepal and run off with Everest!

(And now I’m picturing the highest peak on the planet surrounded by desert instead of snow)

Bina
8 years ago

He asked her how her BEAVER felt.

And she replied, “I don’t know, you silly goose, it’s out damming a river!”

LBT
LBT
8 years ago

Nope, nope, sorry, this doesn’t hold water next to Cockrub Warriors of Mars or g0y porn. Doing it non-seriously takes a bit of the fun out of it; it takes special skills to outdo the unintentionally bad intentionally.

kittehserf
8 years ago

Ah, but is this character doing it for fun? That’s the question.

Ball
8 years ago

“No, Adime. For do you not like me for my charm, wit, intelligence, looks, penis size, and extensive Scandinavian stamp collection? Is that not ‘shallow’?”

cynickal
cynickal
8 years ago

What?
I don’t even…
*flips the table*
*sets the whole internet on fire*
*rage punts the flaming mess into freeway traffic*

WHY!?!
Why oh cold, uncaring universe have you extruded this madness upon me!?
What insanity has crawled from the formless depths of the unknowable regions and whispered this gibbering lunacy into the deepest regions of my most primal mind? What terrors has the Captain released on to the blissfully ignorant masses sleeping soundly comforted in their blindness? Not since the mad Arab Abdul Alhazred penned the foul and blasphemous Necronomicon has such terror been unleashed on the unwitting humanity!
The horror! THE HORROR!!!

Fibinachi
8 years ago

We have a Timer of the Old Ones Keening?

opheliamonarch
8 years ago

@cynickal

WTF?!?

Lovecraft is no excuse for ableist slurs.

Are you taking the piss?

If not, no, just no. Also, read the threads!

So fucking sick of this shit! I do not want to be the person who lectures people on the internet, it’s Christmas for fucks sake!

Dvärghundspossen
8 years ago

I’m all for calling out people who go “MRA:s must be mentally ill, no sane person would write such stuff” (also, it’s personal to me, since I’m mentally ill myself). BUT I thought Cynick’s Lovecraft parody was fine. I didn’t see it as making the point that “MRA:s must be mentally ill, no sane person would write such stuff”, but rather as comparing them to some kind of “nameless horror” from the Lovecraft universe. I’m fine by that.

Granted, I’m just one person and can’t decide for everyone what they’re gonna be offended by… Also I don’t really know Cynick’s posting history and whether zie has written ableist stuff before?

Brooked
Brooked
8 years ago

I’m torn because, as Dvärghundspossen points out, Lovecraftian cosmic horror drives people to madness and I love me some HPL, but it would be pretty neat for one day to go by without people having to address ableist language.

Fibinachi
8 years ago

I’ve written exactly the same sort of stuff on this blog without comment other than “Hah, Fib!”.

(“Slithering, gibbering parochialism lying in wait behind the words like some incipient spore of elder madness springing forth to subsume and consume the minds of the reader” comes to mind)

I also don’t see the abliest slur in question (Is it Mad Arab? That’s his title. Like the Red Baron?).

Granted, I could be a total spitballing ignoramus with no capacity to see things right in front of me, so I’m hardly the best witness here – but I do think there’s a clear difference between calling someone crazy as a putdown trying to slide them into a “If you’re mentally unwell, you are less of a person, and wrong!” and insinuating that MRA logic bears a striking resemblence to the mad gibbering of a cosmos bereft of meaning and direction and guided only tbe blind, trashing Eldest God at the heart of the universe that exists only to destroy and create in a spiral of antipathy towards every human sentiment.

… Happy Holidays.

Argenti Aertheri
Argenti Aertheri
8 years ago

Yeah, I’m restarting the timer, since we’re having this discussion again, but ableist or not, we made it just over 24 hours, so no one owes me a unicorn.

A citation might’ve been nice though.

Ophelia — I found this working on the Borg 101 pages — http://wingsandtails.tumblr.com/post/14163388508/tw-ableism-ableist-slurs-conflating-violence-with — it’s been added to the Welcome Package as a stock response to ableism since yeah, we’re all sick of it, or at least getting there.

Hmm…maybe this one owes me a horse? We did go just over 24 hours, and it is a quote, but we have no gone much more than a day without having this discussion again. I’m gonna collect a horse. My herd is now two unicorns and a horse.

In other animal things, the cat decided to sit on a flowerpot holding just soil (long story), in front of the fish tanks. Well she couldn’t reach the 55g, and after a quick look decided the 30g was empty (she’d already had a sad over the terrarium not having fishies in it). Puff, not being the skittish sort, came to check her out. So she’s got her neck craned to watch the 55g while puff is like 6″ from her head moving in a manner that had me chuckling that you can’t attack her silly! (Since she’d gotten him in hunter mode, I gave him a snail to hunt) I actually think they could make friends, once she notices him. She can’t actually get in the tank, and he seems to have no real sense of fear, he’ll back up for a bit, but always comes back to continue his investigation.

The 2 month old cories are getting so big, and the week old ones are getting big enough to easily spot, but still look more like tadpoles than fish, so cute!

/OT cute

Argenti Aertheri
Argenti Aertheri
8 years ago

Fibi — “gibbering lunacy”. Mad, in the angry sense, certainly describes MRAs!

CassandraSays
CassandraSays
8 years ago

I’m starting to wonder if refusing to admit that it really is possible for people to be as hateful as MRAs without there being any medical explanation is a form of magical thinking. Maybe people find it comforting to refuse to admit that some folks really are that hateful, just because.

vaiyt
8 years ago

The feeling of moral superiority that comes with outrage is addictive.

Argenti Aertheri
Argenti Aertheri
8 years ago

Cassandra — it’s the simple “they aren’t normal, because I am and I could never do that”

In other things…my FB feed of cute kids and holiday wishes also includes this…

Trigger warning, suicide, fatal child abuse

http://www.wfsb.com/story/24286205/man-throws-3-year-old-son-himself-off-nyc-roof

If the MRM defends this…

opheliamonarch
8 years ago

I am in no way criticising Lovecraft’s writing, I was criticising the way his style was applied.

This text was specifically aimed at the PUAs writing in this blog post (unless I’ve missed something,)

In that context when it talks about “what insanity has crawled from the formless depths” and “this gibbering lunacy” it is referring to the PUA and what they wrote, this is no different to saying “PUAs be crazy!”

Fibinachi
8 years ago

Oh.

That makes sense, thanks.

moldybrehd
8 years ago

I read the faux-Lovecraft comment as the PUA prose being so terrible it drove cynickal to madness, not cynickal saying that the PUAs are crazy.

In terms of terribleness, I agree with Argenti, the cockrub warriors stories are far more hideous than this. This made me roll my eyes, but no brains were melted in the process of reading it.

Argenti Aertheri
Argenti Aertheri
8 years ago

You mean you agree with LBT, he said that, not me. But yes, he’s right.

moldybrehd
8 years ago

Whoops, sorry!

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