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Book Review: Top Secret Pickup Lines, Busty Girls Edition

You’ll poke an eye out with those things

Huge bazonga enthusiasts! I have found the book for you.

Well, the booklet. It’s 35 pages long, and it’s called “Top Secret Pickup Lines: Busty Girls Edition,” and it is a real thing that exists and you can buy it on Amazon and it promises to teach aspiring pickup artists “how to get women with big boobs,” like for example this gal on the cover.

Now, this booklet is roughly a decade old at this point, but I’m going to pretend that it just came out and review it for you all so you’ll have a better idea of what you’ll get before you decide to plunk down $2.99 to buy the thing.

Author Nicolas Knight starts off with an important if ironic message for big-boob-girlfriend-wanters: if you want to score with a girl with huge knockers, you need to do it by not mentioning her boobs at all. Like, no walking up to her in the melon department in the grocery store and asking if she “needs some help carrying those” while staring at her melons.

Nope! Whether you’re “interested in busty milfs or younger women with large breasts,” Knight has some rules for you. Which are mostly variations on “pretend you don’t see the boobs.”

Rule 1: Always show respect. Don’t make comments or jokes about her breast size.

Rule 2: Don’t ask her if her boobs are real.

Rule 3: Look into her eyes and don’t stare at her chest.

Rule 4: Smile often.

Rule 5: Don’t do all the talking. Ask her questions and listen to what she has to say. Then talk about the stuff she just talked about.

That’s right. You should treat your potential enormously bosomed girlfriend as if her boobs aren’t even there, and just have a normal conversation with her. Shocking!

One important thing to remember when you see that woman with huge boobs and you feel like she is the goddess you have been looking for……she wants to be treated like a regular woman. By that I mean, talk to her just like you would a woman who does not have big boobs.

I know it sounds counterintuitive, fellas, but I think he might be on to something.

Women with really large breasts know that some guys like them. But they don’t want you to talk about that right away. That is for later.

By the second or third date you can probably ease up a little and try to subtly incorporate her tittays into the conversation and make occasional “motorboating” sound effects with your mouth.

Most of the same topics of conversation or pickup lines you would use on other girls work the same for women with big breasts.

Hey, don’t knock it (get it?) until you’ve tried it!

Knight wraps up his brief introduction by encouraging his readers to carry his booklet with them

whenever you go out so you can use [it].You never know what day you will run in to a woman with huge boobs.

Knight follows the introduction with a number of short chapters featuring nothing but pickup lines, optimized for various locations, from clubs and supermarkets to airplanes and hardware stores. Two things to note: first, in keeping with Knight’s rules, none of the pickup lines mention boobs; and second, they are all so gut-wrenchingly awful and creepy that you’ll be lucky if your prospective big-tittied goddess doesn’t call the cops.

Let’s look at some examples, if you can see the screen over your giant tits.

Oops, broke the rules a little there.

In the grocery store:

“You better be careful the owners don’t pack you up as sugar, you look so sweet.”

Jesus fucking Christ.

“I can’t imagine anything nicer than sharing a shopping cart with you some day.”

*big-titted woman slowly starts edging away*

In the mall:

“The way you walk reminds me of an angel come down to earth. What’s your name?”

Wat.

“I can’t tell if I am sleep walking or dreaming. Where have you been all my life?”

Women love dudes who dissociate.

In the church:

“I am thinking about organizing a prayer group. Maybe I could send you an invitation. What is your (phone number/email address)? “

Women love being tricked into joining “groups” that are just them and some dude who wants to get into their pants.

At the beach:

“The sun might be hot today, but your beauty makes it seem like just a big snow ball.”

Women love men who hallucinate.

On an airplane:

“If you are the last thing I ever see if this plane crashes, I will die a happy man.”

*woman opens emergency exit and jumps from the plane*

At the “wine and cheese store.”

“I came to this place to find everything for a perfect evening. Little did I know I would see someone to make a perfect life with.”

Run, lady, run.

At the movie theater:

“My friend and I were debating on who the actor was who played the lead. What was his/her name?”

Women love men who are only barely aware of what film they’re watching.

In conclusion: I take back what I said before. This is the worst book I’ve ever read. You’d probably do better mentioning you pickup target’s boobs than you would using any of these pickup lines.

I give the book two nipples down, way down.

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Robert Haynie
Robert Haynie
15 days ago

Astounding.

Not the boobs part. Most of that’s common sense.

But the actual lines, well… they remind me of the dialogue in one of those 80’s ‘comedies’ where the film-makers had just discovered that yes, we’re allowed to show girl’s wahongas and discuss sex and all, and we need some way for Pimply Kid A to hook up with Improbably Built Teen Girl B for Naked Groping Scene #12.

Preferably without pointing out the actual boobies.

LouCPurr
LouCPurr
15 days ago

Yeah, it was good advice until the pickup lines. I was saddled with big boobs at the age of 12 and have quite the aversion to guys that are big-breast fetishists. Hell, I don’t even like having them touched, I definitely don’t want to be with someone who’s obsessed with them. I guess if I had to be with some sort of body-part fetishist, it would be a foot lover. I really enjoy foot rubs.

Contrapangloss
Contrapangloss
15 days ago

I can’t see an angel line without my brain IMMEDIATELY wanting to add “They live on the moons of Iego, I think”

Perhaps the younger generation is less poisoned, but for mine, any pickup line with angels is going to immediately put someone in the “Maybe Vader someday later; now he’s just a small fry” bucket.

https://youtu.be/hEcjgJSqSRU

Last edited 15 days ago by Contrapangloss
Surplus to Requirements
Surplus to Requirements
15 days ago

This is the worst book I’ve ever read.

Are you sure? I seem to recall you quoting extensively from some of Doosh’s “Bang” rape manuals books …

Tabby Lavalamp
Tabby Lavalamp
15 days ago

“I came to this place to find everything for a perfect evening. Little did I know I would see someone to make a perfect life with.”

Ah, yes. We’ve never talked before but you’re already picturing us living together. Take me, big boy. Take me now.

happy cat
happy cat
15 days ago

Does a book about getting women with smaller boobs exist? No, wait, I’m sure it would be really bad, too.

Robert Haynie
Robert Haynie
15 days ago

@happy cat:

Pretty sure, considering the logic (?) the writers of these pamphlets use, it would start by encouraging you to note how much more elegant a “petite” woman is, while not directly addressing breasts.

And then filling the rest with the same poorly thought out pick-up lines.

Battering Lamb
Battering Lamb
14 days ago

Rule 5: Don’t do all the talking. Ask her questions and listen to what she has to say. Then talk about the stuff she just talked about.

Also known as ‘taking an interest’. Though the phrasing/context makes it look more like ‘faking an interest’.

Buttercup Q. Skullpants
Buttercup Q. Skullpants
14 days ago

[carry the booklet with you] whenever you go out so you can use [it].You never know what day you will run in to a woman with huge boobs.

Nothing women love more than being accosted by a stranger brandishing a dog-eared copy of “Top Secret Pickup Lines: Busty Girls Edition” and whispering don’t mention her boobs…don’t mention her boobs…

Make sure to stick that 48HH cover model right in her face so she knows what you’re into!

Full Metal Ox
14 days ago

@Battering Lamb:

Also known as ‘taking an interest’. Though the phrasing/context makes it look more like ‘faking an interest’.

Prerequisite: having interests beyond safecracking open that prospective Tasty Sex Treat. Is she wearing a team jersey? The sport in question might be an interest you share. Does her shopping bag contain an unfamiliar vegetable? Ask her for advice on how to prepare it. Has she got an engrossing special interest to share? Listen—and with the intent to learn something, not reducing every word out of her mouth to wock wock wock I’ve been good for 5 whole seconds I can haz Tasty Sex Treat now? (By which criterion the Klondike people owe me six Klondike Bars for every time I’ve had to endure one of those stupid commercials:

John
John
14 days ago

Most of this is just regular dating advice that has nothing to do with breast size, combined with some really awful pickup lines.

The underlying implication, though, is that the only thing you’re really interested in is a woman’s boobs, but you don’t want her to know that. At least not right away.

Dave
Dave
14 days ago

“I can’t imagine anything nicer than sharing a shopping cart with you some day.”

It may shock some readers to know that I have been married for quite some time and was in a relationship before that, and we never shared a shopping cart. I am not even sure what that means. Like even if you were homeless, a shopping cart is too small to share. People need personal space, ya know?

Battering Lamb
Battering Lamb
14 days ago

Full Metal Ox: True. I assumed that an interest in someone would be genuine. I keep forgetting I shouldn’t have expectations of these types.

Surplus to Requirements
Surplus to Requirements
14 days ago

@happy cat:

Does a book about getting women with smaller boobs exist? No, wait, I’m sure it would be really bad, too.

@Robert Haynie:

@happy cat:

Pretty sure, considering the logic (?) the writers of these pamphlets use, it would start by encouraging you to note how much more elegant a “petite” woman is, while not directly addressing breasts.

And then filling the rest with the same poorly thought out pick-up lines.

The negs just about write themselves, of course. And then, inevitably, would come a particularly skeevy one that strongly implied her attractiveness came from bearing a stronger resemblance to underage girls than a larger-breasted woman …

@Battering Lamb:

Also known as ‘taking an interest’. Though the phrasing/context makes it look more like ‘faking an interest’.

Don’t forget that, to the far right, genuineness is inconceivable.

Dormousing_it
Dormousing_it
14 days ago

I love the assumption that large-breasted women aren’t “regular women.”. What is a regular woman, anyway?

Alan Robertshaw
14 days ago

This lady I guess…

comment image

Dormousing_it
Dormousing_it
14 days ago

@Alan Robertshaw:. LOL! I love that phrase, “no perturbing effects.”. Yes, I can see where that would be important while ostensibly sleeping, or trying to sleep.

galanx
galanx
14 days ago

“You better be careful the owners don’t pack you up as sugar, you look so sweet.”

Hey, this is perfectly acceptable provided that the man is 83, uses a walker, and is accompanied by his equally elderly wife who punches him in the shoulder and tells him to stop harassing all the young girls.

Chris Oakley
14 days ago

This book should have stayed a secret.

Alan Robertshaw
13 days ago

O/T, but just an update.

Happy lost their appeal in the New York Supreme Court.

That wasn’t totally unexpected. It was a 5 to 2 decision though with some powerful dissents.

And there’s that idea in jurisprudence that the usual trajectory is that eventually the dissents end up becoming the settled law.

https://www.nycourts.gov/ctappS/Decisions/2022/Jun22/52opn22-Decision.pdf

GSS ex-noob
GSS ex-noob
13 days ago

@Alan: I just googled “Nature’s Remedy” and all I got was pages of cannabis shops!

YMMV depending on from whence you search. I’m in California, so…

@galanx: This is the only scenario under which that is barely acceptable.

KatInBoots
KatInBoots
11 days ago

What the hell is wrong with “You seem cool/like a fun person, would you be into grabbing a coffee together sometime?”

Like, seriously. That is all it takes. And then we go from there and actually figure out if the relationship has legs.

Jenora Feuer
Jenora Feuer
11 days ago

@KatInBoots:
What’s ‘wrong’ with it are the implicit assumptions that the woman being asked out is actually human with her own mind and interests, and that there’s a chance that the asker could put a lot of work into this and still have it fail in the end. There are likely varying levels of each of these.

For the first, I hesitate to call it ‘video game thinking’ because it obviously predates video games, but it’s that sort of thing; there seems to be the assumption that if you say the right magic words things will work.

And for the second, if someone’s only goal is ‘to score tonight’, then they want the decision made in a hurry. Annoying nineteen women into never wanting to talk to them again is perfectly fine as long as the twentieth is willing/desperate enough to sleep with them.

I get the impression that the ‘Pick Up Artist’ gig started primarily with the second idea, sorting through women quickly to find the ones willing to hop into bed with a stranger for a one night stand; but over time and with the rise of a lot of the ‘gurus’ of the field actively selling their schemes, the first idea has a lot more impact in many these days.

Gerald Fnord
Gerald Fnord
6 days ago

Pollyanna says:

Maybe the author assumed his target audience wouldn’t accept the ‘women are human beings’ part of the book if he didn’t include the cheesy pick-up lines.

(This is born of hearing more than one politician I support utter some sort of B.S. and thinking ‘Maybe the general public have got so used to B.S. that without a little of it in the rhetoric they won’t accept anything as true.’, which is a.) terribly arrogant of me [I should include myself, at least], b.) no excuse, and c.) probably true.)

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