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How to become the Warren Buffett of ejaculation, according to some semen-retaining weirdo on Reddit

*makes jerkoff motion*

By David Futrelle

Today, some handy investment advice from … the semen retention subreddit?

You might wonder how exactly this particular subreddit — a harder-core version of the anti-masturbation NoFap subreddit devoted to the allegedly magical powers of not spilling your seed on the ground — could possibly offer any useful financial advice.

Well, take a gander at this posting from the front page of the subreddit today, in which someone called Semencollector5000 explains why not jerking it makes you the Warren Buffett of SEMEN POWER.

I look at SR the same way I look at my investment strategy. (self.Semenretention)

submitted 20 hours ago * by Semencollector5000

I'm a value investor.

I live by Warren Buffetts famous saying 'Money is what you pay and value is what you get.'

As I learnt about value investing I realized how paralell it is to semen retention.

When I ejaculate I sell off plenty of qualities (stocks) to get a big, short-term return. Intense pleasure.

What qualities am I selling off?

To name a few:

Energy

Time

Vigor

Courage

Confidence

And what do I get in return? Pleasure. Which to me, long-term, is absolutely nothing.

Value investors look for long-term investments.

Retaining semen is like storing money in stocks that are compounding over time, long term.

The longer my streak streak is the more incredible things happen to me. My life polishes itself in every regard, day by day.

The longer I hold my money in wonderful companies the bigger returns I get.

Well, that’s rather a lot to absorb. But as a former personal finance writer, let me point out one teensy weensy difference between jerking off your dick and selling stocks:

When you sell your stocks, you don’t have them any more.

When you ejaculate, your body just makes more semen. There’s basically an unlimited supply.

If stock investing were like jerking off, I’d sell my stocks every day, probably multiple times, until the markets closed. And then I’d wake up the next morning with a brand new portfolio of stocks to sell.

There’s really only one real way that the stock market is like jerking off: Day traders are huge jagoffs.

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Shadowplay
2 years ago

Just to make today’s shit sandwich complete:

Trump administration ‘rolling back women’s rights by 50 years’ by changing definitions of domestic violence and sexual assault

Note: The Independent is cautious to a fault when it comes to running stories. So yeah – it’s real.

solecism
solecism
2 years ago

@Shadowplay

Thanks for sharing that. The news needs to get out. I hadn’t been aware of it.

Diego Duarte
Diego Duarte
2 years ago

@Shadowplay

Nancy Pelosi needs to get her shit together and impeach him NOW. She feels so brave going after women of color, but will do her absolute best to continue to let him run the country into the ground, unimpeded.

Dalillama
Dalillama
2 years ago

@Diego Duarte
That is, quite simply, because Pelosi has far more in common with Trump than with Congresswomen Ocaisio-Cortez, Tlaib, Omar, and Pressley. She is a conservative white supremacist. Not neccesarily a genocidal eliminationist like the Republicans, just someone who’s comfort zone is a country where rich white people call the shots, everyone else knows their place, and nobody upsets the status quo.

Surplus to Requirements, Observer of the Vast Blight-Wing Enstupidation
Surplus to Requirements, Observer of the Vast Blight-Wing Enstupidation
2 years ago

That does it.

150 million women need to down their tools and march into the streets, simultaneously. That will get their attention, believe you me.

weirwoodtreehugger: chief manatee
weirwoodtreehugger: chief manatee
2 years ago

Oh, but Pelosi is drafting a resolution to condemn Trump’s racist tantrum. That’s just as good as impeachment, right?

* smashes head against a brick wall *

Weird (and tired of trumplings) Eddie
Weird (and tired of trumplings) Eddie
2 years ago

@ Dalillama:

someone who’s comfort zone is a country where rich white people call the shots, everyone else knows their place, and nobody upsets the status quo.

well put

@ Surplus:

150 million women need to down their tools and march into the streets, simultaneously. That will get their attention, believe you me.

and hurry

Diego Duarte
Diego Duarte
2 years ago

@Dalillama

As usual not a single lie in what you said. Pelosi has been deliberately going out of her way to condemn, belittle, criticize and humiliate AOC, Ilhan Omar, Tlaib and Pressley. On the other hand, her reluctance to stand up to Trump, in any meaningful way, has empowered him to behave more “boldly” if you will.

He was scared shitless because he knew very well he could get impeached, but as soon as Nancy handed him that free “Get out of jail card”, he’s been acting as if he is untouchable.

Pelosi wants us to believe it’s because there is no chance of impeaching him, and because this would rally up his base for 2020, but that’s not true. In fact, NOT impeaching him is strenghtening his support and weakening democrat prospects for 2020, with a base that is not energized to vote on anything because they feel hopeless.

Weatherwax
Weatherwax
2 years ago

@ Diego

I hope to run out of bullets really fast, if I ever find these people.

I know the conversation has moved on, but please don’t. Refresh your knowledge of the comments policy if you’re not sure what I’m saying.

Thanks.

Weird (and tired of trumplings) Eddie
Weird (and tired of trumplings) Eddie
2 years ago

@ Diego, Weatherwax:

Thank you, Weatherwax, I wanted to address this, too, but in a different way. One of my concerns is that there’s going to be large-scale violence before the 2020 election, and it’s scary as hell. I don’t think that’s a joking matter….

Diego Duarte
Diego Duarte
2 years ago

Sorry, about that. I often forget about that particular policy, and these people get me in the foulests of moods.

ribblefizz
ribblefizz
2 years ago

Off-off-topic:
@Shadowplay, you might want to look around for a new new doc, if your new doc is unaware of the benefits of regular ejaculation for prostate health. It’s been documented for over 15 years.

https://www.health.harvard.edu/mens-health/ejaculation_frequency_and_prostate_cancer

epitome of incomprehensibility

@Weatherwax, @Seraph4377 – Thanks! I think I’ll bring it up with someone at the bank (after my students’ big test is done this week – *crosses fingers that they pass*). If they say they can’t do anything, I might look for other options.

Oh, also, I’m in Canada. Canadian dollars are a different currency than US ones (though they stay pretty close in value) but same name and $ symbol.

@ribblefizz – Oh, I thought “New doc hasn’t even heard of it” was referring to the problem, and the point was to say “Nudge nudge wink wink, I have more sex now” 😛

Reminds me of one of my tutoring students who came in yawning and said sorry for being tired, it’s just she had to pick up her husband from the airport last night. But she kind of winked as she said it. I’d known her for about a year, and that her husband had been out of the country for weeks, so…same idea.

Later it occurred to me that it’d be a very odd euphemism – “Hey, I was totally picking Bob up from the airport last night.” 😛 I am a silly person sometimes.

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