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Return of Kings: “American girls are the greasy remnants of the meal we ate last night”

Your metaphor has arrived
Your metaphor has arrived

Cut a little slack for the dude who calls himself Tuthmosis Sonofra, one of the more repellant of the stable of “writers” who regularly contributes to the internet garbage fire that is Return of Kings. Why? Well, metaphors are hard. Especially when you try to draw them out to the length of a blog post.

Tuthy, perhaps best known for his hatred of short-haired women, does his damndest to live up to the title of his post on RoK today –“American Girls Are The Papa John’s Of Women” — but, alas, his limited metaphoring skills aren’t quite up to the task. And so what we end up with is a muddle of a post that reveals a lot more about him than it does about women, or bad pizza, women who are metaphorically bad pizza.

Now, there’s nothing wrong with hating Papa John’s pizza, and Tuthy provides solid reasons for his dislike for the offerings of this particular pizza chain, including “Papa’s thin, watery sauce and undercooked toppings.”

Trouble is, women are not much like pizza, good or bad. They don’t have tomato sauce, or toppings that “slide off of it the moment you don’t keep it at a perfect horizontal angle,” or indeed any of the other pizza-like qualities that Tuthy tries to bestow on them.

Tuthy starts off by complaining that “American girls,” like Papa John’s pizza, are “greasy,” by which he apparently means “fat,” which is a bit odd, because Papa John’s is best known as a purveyor of thin-crust pizza, not the deliciously plump stuffed pizza we here in Chicago so regularly enjoy. Then he tosses in yet another failed metaphor, declaring that “people all over the world” know that American women are fat, “making them a national embarrassment of Starbucks-milkshake proportions.”

Leaving behind this burnt-out husk of metaphorical wreckage, Tuthy moves on to his next point: Women are unhealthy for dudes.

It’s one thing to be fat, but American girls are also mental wrecks. Medicated to oblivion, and—even the best of them—harboring bizarre attitudes towards sex and relationships, American women are nutritionally bankrupt. You don’t eat Papa John’s for the vitamins, and you don’t feel great after having finished one.

I’m guessing most American women would feel equally queasy, if not worse, after an encounter with Tuthy. Especially after reading Tuthy’s next attempt at metaphor, which reads a bit like the diary of a serial-killing cannibal:

Papa John’s may be convenient, but it comes at a roughly body temperature and makes a mess if you so much as try to lift up one of those soggy slices. That’s your American woman in a nutshell.

PRO TIP: If you’re cutting women into slices, you’re doing it wrong.

The serial-killer vibe continues in Tuthy’s next section, devoted to the notion that women, like empty pizza boxes, are “discarded.’

Crushed between two garbage bags in the tank, American girls are the greasy remnants of the meal we ate in desperation last night. You may have gotten the box out of your house, but the effects remain: you’re that much more undernourished, unsatisfied, and depressed as a result.

Yet Tuthy, who apparently just returned to the US from some sordid sex vacation abroad, plans to keep ordering the metaphorical Papa John’s pizzas that are American women.

“Abroad,” Tuthy reports, “I’d see guys proudly holding hands with a pretty girl and both of them showing heart-felt affection.” But within ten minutes of getting off the plane here in the US, he tells us, he spotted

the American equivalent: a miserable-looking dude with a dumpy girl—who was edible, if she was delivered to your house—in a contorted death grip that looked like someone had put a gun to their backs. As my bags came off the carousel, I knew one thing: I was back to eating Papa John’s.

I assume he means the baggage carousel, because the thought of his luggage riding the cock carousel is enough to put me off dinner.

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(((VioletBeauregarde))): Social Justice Necromancer
(((VioletBeauregarde))): Social Justice Necromancer
5 years ago

Thanks, EJ!

EJ (The Other One)
5 years ago

And here are some white card ideas formed from possible answers to the above questions:

The mythical submissive Asian hottie! Checkmate, feminists!

Sure, the harassment of Zoe Quinn was bad, but what was much worse was weirwoodhugger being all meanie-pants to me.

What’s the secret that makes Roosh irresistable to all the HB10s? Being told “bienvenue a Montreal, motherfucker.”

Handsome Jack posting a bomb-ass tirade of animated reaction gifs will destroy western society unless we give supreme power toThe lone member of the Alt-Right who isn’t secretly a Jewish double agent

If you give him just a little more money, Davis Aurini will be able to destroy McCarther forever.

Today on Sargon of Akkad: how White genocide is all the fault of David Futrelle’s cats. All of them

What’s the worst thing about marriage? Having a partner who actually cares about and supports you

When I told the judge that I wasn’t going to pay child support because I was being divorce-raped, they gave me the missing 25% of Mike Cernovich’s testicles.

Racism doesn’t exist, but if it did it would all be caused by the mixing of the races (unless it’s White men with Asian women, that’s the fault of White women).

Coming up next, the secret guest on Honey Badger Radio is a pissed-off Brianna Wu leading a warhost of Rohirrim

All progress in the world is ultimately thanks to Milo Yiannopoulos’s lost blue checkmark

Who’s really behind the Twitter harassment of Gamergate’s enemies? Anita Sarkeesian.

(((VioletBeauregarde))): Social Justice Necromancer
(((VioletBeauregarde))): Social Justice Necromancer
5 years ago

I already have MacArthur, Anita Sarkeesian and white genocide but I’ll add the others 🙂 Thanks

(((VioletBeauregarde))): Social Justice Necromancer
(((VioletBeauregarde))): Social Justice Necromancer
5 years ago

I also added “Hitting the wall but then smashing through it like a badass motherfucker”

Mish of the Catlady Ascendancy
Mish of the Catlady Ascendancy
5 years ago

@ Violet
Just had a proper looksie at the CAH, and … my god. You are incredible. And it’s a great trip down the lane of memory – would be even more so for people who’ve been here longer.
The only thing I can think of – that I don’t think was in your extremely comprehensive list – is ‘hot babe dying of cancer spilling the secrets of womanhood’.
All the applause to you! 😀

EJ (The Other One)
5 years ago

Violet is awesome and a badass. That card set looks really good and I totally want to play with it.

Here are some more card ideas. Please stop me if you’ve got enough.

The whites of Paul Elam’s eyes.

A 14-year-old on 4chan writing under Milo Yiannopoulos’s name.

An actual person of colour using #NotYourShield.

A ten-hour Youtube rant video.

Women selfishly refusing to be skinny.

Kristina “Woolly Bumblebee” Hansen.

The deafening silence that follows Policy of Madness taking down a tone troll.

Three non-misogynistic MRAs.


Jim Fucking Sterling Son.


Jordan Owen rising from the bathtub like dread Cthulhu.

A zeta male.

The mammoth (that we hunted for you.)

Some more black cards:

If Ayn Rand was alive and writing today, what would her next book be about?

_________ is a conspiracy against men.

If women insist on _________, they’ll only have themselves to blame for _________.

After getting bored with Gamergate and neo-Nazidom, Milo Yiannopoulos decided to start a career in _________.

Everyone’s childhood was ruined when that beloved 80s movie was remade with _________ in it.

On her deathbed, a feminist leader reveals that their plan was aimed at _________ all along.

“I would be happy to support feminists if only you would stop _________,” declared the sealion.

The Puppies’ vote for Best Novel went to a book exploring the adventures of _________.

After Trump’s humiliating defeat in 2016, the alt-Right rallied around _________ as their 2020 presidential candidate.

First they came for our free speech. Then they came for _________.

(I’ll stop now.)

(((VioletBeauregarde))): Social Justice Necromancer
(((VioletBeauregarde))): Social Justice Necromancer
5 years ago

@EJ: Oh no…keep going, these are good.

We can play with what we have but I can also add more.

Subtract Hominem, the Renegade Misandroid
Subtract Hominem, the Renegade Misandroid
5 years ago

Please tell me that you are in negotiations with @David Futrelle to launch a Mammoth app – compatible with Apple, Microsoft and MisAndroid.

I’m compatible with everything.

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