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Attention Heartiste: Don Draper is not an actual person

The REAL thousand-cock stare
The REAL thousand-cock stare

One of the odder folk beliefs of the pickup artist subculture is that women become worn down and used up and even a bit addled if they have sex with too many men. Men, by contrast, are said to be able to handle an equal number of female lovers with grace and aplomb.

In a recent post, our old friend Heartiste offers what he sees as decisive photographic evidence illustrating the different effects of promiscuity on men and women. One bit of this evidence: a picture of a young woman used to advertise some sort of singles event. Reflections from the photographer’s lights obscure her pupils, an offputting effect that gives her a slightly deranged look.

thousand

Heartiste, apparently not curious enough to wonder why the woman seems to have no pupils, sees this as clear photographic evidence of the tell-tale “thousand cock stare” that he believes women develop after exposure to more than the lifetime recommended allotment of penises.

To underscore his claim that promiscuous men are “more emotionally stable and contented” than their female counterparts, Heartiste offers this photographic evidence:

DOn Draper, looking content

I think we can all see the problem here. Aside from the fact that a single photograph of someone smiling offers no real clue to that person’s relative stability or degree of happiness with their life – there are plenty of people who can put a good face on all sorts of troubles – this is not actually a picture of a promiscuous man.

It’s a picture of actor John Hamm playing the character of Don Draper, a promiscuous ad exec on Mad Men, in full costume and makeup and doing his best to act the part of a contented man.

As regular viewers of the show are well aware, Don Draper is not always so contented. Indeed, the character is a near-constant drinker with a troubled past who ruins two marriages through his compulsive womanizing.

Here are pictures of Don Draper in some less-happy moments.

draper-sadtumblr_m2ando8Ago1r2r481o1_1280tumblr_m2qgh3LbXB1r2r481o1_1280DonDraperBukes

Can we conclude therefore that excess promiscuity will turn smiling, confident men into puking emotional wrecks? Well, no, because, again, Draper is a CHARACTER, not a person. He’s NOT REAL.

But don’t try telling Heartiste that, because he seems to prefer to live in an imaginary world.

A man can sample the slits and furrows of outrageous fortune and survive the whirlwind of passion to mark a day in the future when he contentedly and without pathological second-guessing slips into a stabler, longer term commitment.

Women who have sampled a poo poo platter of penes accumulate emotional scars that never heal; promiscuous women have a mental storage closet filled with five minute montages of alpha male love, and these exciting, prurient memories rob the female id of something important. Call it purity or innocence or self-worth or ability to appreciate romantic idealism, the slut with ass chafing from riding the cock carousel is never the same as she was before she let herself get pummeled by dick.

Uh, just so you know, Heartiste, the Chinese menu item you evidently have in mind is actually called a Pu Pu Platter. A Poo Poo Platter is something, well, a bit different.

Then again, I suspect that most of those women who’ve “sampled” Heartiste’s alleged charms would have, in hindsight, rather spent the evening cleaning shit out of a toilet tank.

368 replies on “Attention Heartiste: Don Draper is not an actual person”

I don’t want either of us ending up feeling all shitty over an un-cooperative penis.

That really would be a poo poo platter of penes … 🙁

The Return of the Hymen, subtitle: One Hymen to Rule Them All.

Bwhahahahahaha

I was tense the first time, even though I made myself get as drunk as possible* to try to force myself to be relaxed. And no, it wasn’t rape because we had been escalating the flirting for about 4 months before the sex happened (he managed the local C64 game store, see I really was a nerd), and it was all planned – dinner first, etc.

And because the first time hurt, I was tense the second time months later, and that hurt too. Then the third time months after that. And so on for a bit.

*not very drunk as I have a weak stomach, so I throw up before I get too drunk. It’s really attractive, not.

First PIV: It didn’t hurt or bleed, but my mom started taking me to the gyno when I was 15 or 16, and I didn’t have sex till I was 18, so maybe the pelvic exams had taken care of my hymen for me. Or maybe I just didn’t have much of one to begin with.

Re tampons: I couldn’t use them for the longest time. Two things really made a difference for me: angle of insertion turned out to be the big one, but using shorter tampons also really helped with that “not far enough in” feeling (O.B. are nice and short). I had such heavy periods (before the Mirena, which is my new BFF) that pads alone wouldn’t cut it unless they were the really thick, diapery ones. For overnight, tampons were a requirement, unless I wanted to either wake up periodically to change pads, or wake up in a pool of blood (before I got tampons to work, I had to sleep with a second pad over the back of my undies. A proper diaper would actually have been welcome).

OTOH, I am intimately familiar with rawness. TMI AHEAD: I have a recurring muscle spasm in my pelvic floor, one result of which is that the muscles around my vagina don’t loosen up as much as they could when I’m aroused. Add in that my partner is fairly well-endowed, and things can get pretty uncomfortable if we’re not extra patient and careful. The idea of someone doing that to me on purpose? Fuck no, do not want.

And also if the guys expect it to as well, then no need to stop and try to figure out a way for it not to hurt, because the pain is to be expected. What a mess.

THIS X100000000.

There;s also the narrative that havign sex the first time is something you do because your lover wants it, not because you do. When you’re basically just accommodating someone else and the question of your own arousal and enjoyment hasn’t even occurred to you, you’re porbably not going to get the most out of the experience.

I had done a lot of horse-riding, and urban legend says that might break a hymen, but honestly, how would that work? If you insert anything in there during horse-riding, you’re certainly doing horse-riding wrong.

Isn’t there a lot of bouncing around on your pelvis, though? Perhaps the impact tears the hymen.

there was this assumption that first you’d have PIV, and then you’d move on to have oral sex, which was considered a more “advanced” kind of sex act. I was surprised when I learned that for Americans, it was the other way around!

To me, oral is way more intimate and something I only do with someone I’m really close with. If someone’s going to be able to get a good look (and smell and taste) at my bits, I need to really trust them. I suspect this is residual “vaginas are icky” cultural conditioning, or at least the fear that my partners will think so.

No bleeding for me either. As a kid I got my period early and in the summer. I was not about to miss a week of swimming. So, I made sure I could use a tampon comfortably and went on with my summer.
We’d been messing around and getting off for months before we had piv sex. First piv sex was nice, but not spectacular. I will never forget the words he said to me immediately after. “Well, that was over about the time you got into it.”
We laughed then and we still laugh about it.

Oral sex came first for me. I didn’t know that was an American thing. I feel like a true patriot. (*snorfle*)

I didn’t bleed the first time either. At that point I had been using a Cup (Diva or Moon, can’t remember the brand) and I remember that hurt a LOT the first few months I used it. No way of knowing if I bled first time I used one, though, because of course I was already having a period. And I used tampons a long time before that. Plus tons of horseback and bike riding.

Seems like more of us didn’t bleed?

Count me in the “oral seems more intimate” camp.

I also get the impression that it’s pretty normal for teens, which is fine, except that I do think there is an expectation that boys will receive and girls will provide. But, I haven’t been a teen for more than a decade, so maybe I’m missing some significant information.

Isn’t there a lot of bouncing around on your pelvis, though? Perhaps the impact tears the hymen.

I guess that’s what people usually believe, but… I still don’t get how that’s supposed to work? If you imagine the vagina as a sort of tube, and the hymen as a sort of, well, seal, within it… Now, if you keep bouncing the tube up and down, that won’t really put any stress on the seal inside the tube, right? In order to put any stress or pressure on the seal, you would have to either insert something inside the tube, or pull at the tube from the sides so that the opening is stretched out that way. So if people were saying that ballet or gymnastics, where you sometimes stretch your legs really wide apart, broke hymens, that would be sort of comprehensible. But unless your riding a hippo or the world’s fattest horse, your legs aren’t that wide apart while riding. So I really don’t get how horse-back riding would, anatomically speaking, break a hymen?

I strongly suspect that this whole “doing sports might break your hymen”-thing was invented in order to encourage girls to be passive… Or maybe because people simply needed a theory to explain cases of virgins not bleeding or feeling pain their first time.

@Dvärghundspossen That’s interesting to me about oral being considered more “advanced” than PIV sex — I knew that at one time, it was considered that way, but I didn’t realize the cultural change was US-specific. I wonder why? Leading theories: 1. US teenagers fear unintended pregnancy more. 2. US teenagers fear AIDS and other sexually transmitted diseases more 3. The influence of Christian purity culture, which makes a big deal out of technical virginity (ie no PIV == you are still a virgin)

Oh, and the hymen thing — I think the “broke it riding horseback” isn’t a thing that ever really happened. I think it’s something we made up to explain the fact that there’s not always blood the first time. I think the legend dates back to a time when it would be very unusual for a woman to reach sex-having age without ever riding a horse, since horses were our main form of transportation.

Gah, hugs of solidarity, if wanted, to people who had crappy first times at PIV. For horror movie titles, how about Return of the Hymen? There’s nightmare fuel.

More TMI warning and I wonder what other people’s experience with this might be:

Interestingly enough, in spite of all the bullshit I went through in trying to have PIV, and still having it hurt the first bunch of times after, my first time doing anal sex was not even slightly uncomfortable. But then, this guy knew what he was doing, and by that time I trusted him not to hurt me, so I was relaxed and we had lube, so it actually felt really good. Mind, we only did it twice, and the attempt with my next partner didn’t go so well. PIV now is actually one of my favourite sex acts when it’s done right, though.

Also adding to the needing to be really comfortable with a guy before I let him perform oral sex on me. I have three reasons for that.
1) As others have said, it just seems too intimate to do with just anyone.
2) I have a small growth that’s been there forever and I’m afraid a dude might think it’s something it’s not.
3) An ex I was with for six years was obsessed with performing oral sex on me and had a tendency to make my orgasms, the quantity of my orgasms, and the intensity of my orgasms all about him to the point where sometimes I’d have a small orgasm, and I’d be tired after that, but he’d say, “You’re not done!” and basically act like it wasn’t a good enough orgasm to stop. Or I’d have one, big or not, and he’d want to keep going right through my refractory period. Almost ruined oral sex for me, but thankfully I have met a guy since who made it fun again.
(Kay, reason three wasn’t actually supposed to be that long. lol)

Anyway, anyone else have similar experiences regarding anal sex, or with partners making every orgasm all about them?

Ah, hymens…the candy-wrapper/burglar-alarm system of the Virgo Intacta. Funny how much they’ve been fetishized, especially when so many girls are born with either hardly any, or none at all. And others have one that’s so tough that all the sex in the world can’t budge it (only stretch it a bit, whereafter it just bounces right back). And others still have ones that are totally imperforate, meaning their vaginas are all but grown shut, and that they’ll need a surgical intervention if they are to get their periods properly.

What an absolutely ridiculous thing for anyone to put anyone’s entire worth (or self-worth) into. And what an absolutely unreliable indicator of…well, anything at all. Stupidest fetish ever.

If sex hurts, it usually boils down to either “something is physically wrong”, or “somebody is doing something wrong”. The former’s a pain in the ass, but that’s why we have modern medicine. The latter’s also a pain in the ass, and that’s why we have sex therapy. Any guy who thinks “it’s supposed to hurt her” is one I’ll cheerfully knee in the nuts if he tries that shit on me.

Every woman’s hymen is different. Some women don’t really have much of one at all. There is no way to determine “virginity” by inspecting a hymen. Just not possible. Also, virginity is a social construct anyway. Some women have hymens that are known as “imperforate” where there isn’t an opening at all and they have to have minor surgery to make an opening. Everyone’s first time sex experience will vary according to several factors not including “hymen type.” Lol. But I’m not expert on the hymen.

Didn’t hurt much, no bleeding. but I was another who didn’t realise bleeding was supposed to happen til much later, so probably would have been panic-stricken if I /had/ bled.

I don’t think there was any bleeding my first time, at least not that I can remember. I was however very angry afterwards. Not because it was particularly traumatic or anything. I was just fuming over the sheer disappointment of it, and felt cheated by the whole world for making such a ruckus (ha!) about such a pointless, pathetic thing as this whole sex deal apparantly was. Lying liars that lied! lol

As for oral, I’ve never understood the “hype”. Much too similar to a gyn exam, and although not unplesant per se, I’ve always found it kinda meh. I can definitely relate to your experience with your ex, Alex. As sad as it sounds, I’ve never come across a guy interested in oral who didn’t seem to want to do it for anything but what at least felt like his own selfish reasons.

Okay, since we’re talking about hymens:

A lot of romance novelists seem to be under the impression that the hymen is halfway up the vaginal canal (so when the hero devirginizes the heroine, he gets about halfway in before ripping through the seal o’virginity, which causes pain), which, as I hope we all know, is not anatomically possible.

(See here for more on this trope: http://smartbitchestrashybooks.com/blog/where-is-the-hymen)

But this is what I wonder: given that most of these authors are women, are they possibly describing something that happens? Obviously not something to do with the hymen, but possibly something to do with inadequate lubrication/relaxation leading to a, um, sex speedbump? This wouldn’t be directly related to virginity, but I could see it being more common with women who haven’t had PIV sex before.

I’m a virgin, so I can’t speak from personal experience.

Alex: The main things I’ve heard about anal are “be gentle” and “use plenty of lube”. I know it feels good for me when I follow those instructions with toys, though it does get sensitive down there if there’s a lot of thrusting.

wordsp1nner,

In my experience, once the guy actually penetrates you, there aren’t really any speed bumps. It can be uncomfortable or even painful if you’re not relaxed/lubricated enough, but once he’s in, he doesn’t get stuck. But maybe someone else here has had a mid-vagina speed bump incident.

Anyway, I suspect that we could also potentially attribute the frequently misplaced hymens to romance novelists either following convention or to their being women who grew up without getting much in the way of sex ed or anatomy class before they had PIV sex for the first time. They probably learned a lot more later on but didn’t really read up on hymens because they didn’t have them anymore.

As for oral, I’ve never understood the “hype”. Much too similar to a gyn exam, and although not unplesant per se, I’ve always found it kinda meh.

TMI AHEAD:

***************************************

…I’ve found best results by trying various things with my tongue until I figure out which one increases vaginal tension and girlfriend noise-making the most.
…Naturally, this is best assessed with as many digits as preferred/requested, stimulating the grafenberg spot, or G-spot. The G-spot is a ribbed bit of tissue to be found sort of slightly above and behind the clitoris on the vaginal wall, and is best accessed by hooking one’s lubricated fingers upward a bit.
Do note that saliva can cause pH imbalance. It is therefore best to use plenty of water-based lubricant on the inserted digits, despite what you see on YouPorn.
Do try to position yourself comfortably and move your arm from the shoulder instead of using only forearm and finger movements…why? Arm cramps can come at the most inconvenient instances, so you want to do things as ergonomically as possible.
Remember, practice makes perfect, and ask for feedback.

Feel free to pass that on to anyone that needs it.

I was just fuming over the sheer disappointment of it, and felt cheated by the whole world for making such a ruckus (ha!) about such a pointless, pathetic thing as this whole sex deal apparantly was. Lying liars that lied! lol

You too, eh? Yeah, that was my big take-away from it all. The next day, I was struck by how much NOTHING had changed, when this was supposed to be THE big life-changing experience that would leave me, according to Fartiste, never the same again. Bullshit; I was exactly the same “me” as before. I wasn’t even walking funny, which is what all the urban legends claim that newly deflowered virgins do! Where was the drama and the trauma? Um…nowhere. Not much pain (and what there was, went away when I shifted position), no bleeding, and afterwards, I just laughed at the huge cosmic joke of it all. Because really, if that’s what women allegedly go to hell for not saving until marriage, the joke is on anyone who believes it. Hell is other people, and all of them idle, ill-informed gossips who know embarrassingly little about human anatomy.

The closest thing I can think of for guys is probably masturbation. “Oh, you’re going to go blind if you do that!” “Oh, you’re a loser who can’t get any women if you do that!” “The Church elders have frowned on that for ages, for Every Sperm is Sacred, and doing that is laughing in your future children’s souls’ faces!”

And then you start doing it, and you don’t go blind or get hair on your palms or lose all your female friends or go to Hell or anything like that, and you’re like “What’s the problem?”

Also TMI: I enjoy oral sex, and it is on the more intimate scale for me, whether giving or receiving, but I don’t know if I’d call it more or less satisfying than PiV. Never done anal (bear in mind this is all stuff Mr K and I do across the veil, trying to do it here isn’t all that worthwhile). I wouldn’t mind trying out of curiosity, but he’s not keen, and curiosity’s all it is, so ::shrug::.

The delight of any sort of sex for me is the who, not the what, and a touch of the where (indoors, outdoors).

LOL I’m in Oz, not NZ, and no, I wouldn’t do it outdoors here for the same reason, unless a nice thick blanket was included in the deal. Even then, flies, mozzies, possibly spider, ordinary ants … hmm, the prospect becomes less enticing every minute! 😀

This is all stuff happening across the veil, so in our big garden there, or nice secluded bits of countryside (secluded except for our Furrinati mob if we happen to be at the beach). Given the geography where Mr K lives is vaguely French, Downunder’s monster insects aren’t a problem.

If I were getting up to something outside, I’d be less worried about bugs than about rocks or twigs, though I suppose you could sweep those away pretty easily.

(If I’m sounding dumb, I’ve been busy all day and my melatonin is kicking in…)

Lee, not dumb at all, that’s another reason outdoors right here doesn’t much appeal.

Though if one could get the Botanical Gardens all to oneself (or twoself, in this case) for the day …

Ah, good. I tend to ramble when I’m bored, so it’s good that I’m staying at least a bit coherent. 😀

On the outdoors, all I can say is not the beach. I spent the whole time expecting to be sanded internally.

Lee, that weren’t no ramble! 😀

On the outdoors, all I can say is not the beach. I spent the whole time expecting to be sanded internally.

Especially not directly on the beach.

Just sitting on the beach runs the risk of getting sand up my shorts; I’m not sure I’d want to know what sex would be be like 😮

I don’t even set foot on the beach, earthside – closest I get to that is walking alongside it in cool weather. Sand in the shoes is more than I want to put up with, never mind sand anywhere else, and the beach is the second last place to be in hot weather (first is public transport with inadequate aircon).

This is my favourite sort of across-the-veil beach time. (SFW)

I see what you did with those white shirts there! White tops always look so good with blue jeans.

I’ve always wanted to try sex in the snow…lol As it is, I’ve only had sex outdoors once, at sometime after 3am in a park, er, last month, and of course someone walked by. OF COURSE.

Anyway, I suspect that we could also potentially attribute the frequently misplaced hymens to romance novelists either following convention

Yeah, I think it’s pretty much tradition at this point. A lot of what’s *expected* in romance novel sex is, shall we say, unlikely in real life. And yet, I’m kind of weirded out and disappointed when the expected tropes aren’t in the book.

Speaking of inadequate sex education, there was a conversation on Dear Author on Friday in which a number of women said they hadn’t known about keeping track of your cycle, to figure out when you’re ovulating. And some of their doctors, whom they were seeing specifically because they were trying to conceive, didn’t tell them. WTH?

This conversation (in comments) http://dearauthor.com/features/industry-news/friday-news-critiquing-anita-sarkeesians-critics-the-new-waterproof-kobo-reader-pregnancy-app-glow-and-new-book-on-3-top-newswomen/

Triggered by this article http://gizmodo.com/how-an-app-helped-me-and-20-000-other-women-get-pregn-1624674712

Lordy, @wordsp1nner, those link headings! XD

Especially the one about one’s vagina going below the hem of one’s skirt. That makes wearing full-length skirts sound positively dangerous.

@pallygirl, even better, the tops in the original picnic stock photo I pinched for this were white – yay minimal photoshopping required. 😀

@Alex, Mr K and I have tried that once or twice. It’s … interesting. But how unfair is it that someone has to bowl past at 3am! D:

I just caught up with this phrase:

frequently misplaced hymens

“Shit, where’d I leave the damn thing this time?”

I think my hymen was misplaced. There’s no way it was supposed to block off my vagina like that.

blahlistic – Well, I’d argue that doesn’t register with me as oral really, when it’s a part of a combination. 😉 Still, I’m not a fan, and it doesn’t mainly have to do with the physical sensations.

Bina – I suspect that kind of reaction is fairly common for girls/women afterwards (a least straight ones?), even if it’s not talked about much. I was lucky in the sense that where I’m from the attitude towards sex is pretty relaxed so there wasn’t any connections to sin or shame or anything. I’m kind of curious as to how that might’ve factored into my feelings about it all.

@Wordspinner: But if it’s really outside the body (okay, I confess that I had no idea about that either), and yet tons of women don’t know this, doesn’t that just stress how loads of women apparently don’t have much of a hymen to begin with? Because if all virgins had a big thick ol’ hymen that had to be broken during penetration, surely they would have noticed where it is? And yet, apparently lots and lots of women thinks it’s something inside the body.

Btw, like the sex speed bump theory. You have all kinds of muscle tissue going all the way up in there, so maybe some muscles could, idk, cramp up a bit if you’re super nervous.

Adding: My comment above about horse-riding and hymens was made under the assumption that it’s inside the vagina. BUT I still think it’s unlikely, probably not impossible but unlikely, that horse-riding would tear up something in/at your vulva. Okay, with people who aren’t used to horse-riding there’s a fair lot of bouncing, but you bounce up and down on your arse, not on your vulva. If you were to sit leaning forward so that the impacts hit your vulva, that would certainly be very painful and uncomfortable and your horse-riding teacher would correct you right away.

I feel much more vulnerable during oral sex than I do during intercourse so it requires a great deal more trust than intercourse does for me.

That anxiety about my genitals made it hard for me to enjoy receiving oral sex. Not knowing my body well and having fairly useless partners contributed to it. I hear scads of women all the time claim they dislike receiving oral sex, way more than there are men claiming they don’t like getting blowjobs, and while I’m sure some of them just don’t enjoy receiving oral sex for whatever reason I think a lot of them can’t get over the psychological barriers and/or have never had good partners.

Btw, like the sex speed bump theory. You have all kinds of muscle tissue going all the way up in there, so maybe some muscles could, idk, cramp up a bit if you’re super nervous.

Sounds similar to vaginismus, doesn’t it?

I always assumed the hymen was meant to be around the entrance, first thing on the inside. Wikipedia says it’s part of the vulva, which would explain why the stretched/broken by exercise thing gets mentioned, I guess.

Trivia! Hysteria was called womb-fury in the 16th century.

I kinda like that. Sounds fierce. I know that’s not how they meant it – they thought it was a potentially fatal condition! – but it sounds RARRRRRR ferocious.

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