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Attention Heartiste: Don Draper is not an actual person

The REAL thousand-cock stare
The REAL thousand-cock stare

One of the odder folk beliefs of the pickup artist subculture is that women become worn down and used up and even a bit addled if they have sex with too many men. Men, by contrast, are said to be able to handle an equal number of female lovers with grace and aplomb.

In a recent post, our old friend Heartiste offers what he sees as decisive photographic evidence illustrating the different effects of promiscuity on men and women. One bit of this evidence: a picture of a young woman used to advertise some sort of singles event. Reflections from the photographer’s lights obscure her pupils, an offputting effect that gives her a slightly deranged look.


Heartiste, apparently not curious enough to wonder why the woman seems to have no pupils, sees this as clear photographic evidence of the tell-tale “thousand cock stare” that he believes women develop after exposure to more than the lifetime recommended allotment of penises.

To underscore his claim that promiscuous men are “more emotionally stable and contented” than their female counterparts, Heartiste offers this photographic evidence:

DOn Draper, looking content

I think we can all see the problem here. Aside from the fact that a single photograph of someone smiling offers no real clue to that person’s relative stability or degree of happiness with their life – there are plenty of people who can put a good face on all sorts of troubles – this is not actually a picture of a promiscuous man.

It’s a picture of actor John Hamm playing the character of Don Draper, a promiscuous ad exec on Mad Men, in full costume and makeup and doing his best to act the part of a contented man.

As regular viewers of the show are well aware, Don Draper is not always so contented. Indeed, the character is a near-constant drinker with a troubled past who ruins two marriages through his compulsive womanizing.

Here are pictures of Don Draper in some less-happy moments.


Can we conclude therefore that excess promiscuity will turn smiling, confident men into puking emotional wrecks? Well, no, because, again, Draper is a CHARACTER, not a person. He’s NOT REAL.

But don’t try telling Heartiste that, because he seems to prefer to live in an imaginary world.

A man can sample the slits and furrows of outrageous fortune and survive the whirlwind of passion to mark a day in the future when he contentedly and without pathological second-guessing slips into a stabler, longer term commitment.

Women who have sampled a poo poo platter of penes accumulate emotional scars that never heal; promiscuous women have a mental storage closet filled with five minute montages of alpha male love, and these exciting, prurient memories rob the female id of something important. Call it purity or innocence or self-worth or ability to appreciate romantic idealism, the slut with ass chafing from riding the cock carousel is never the same as she was before she let herself get pummeled by dick.

Uh, just so you know, Heartiste, the Chinese menu item you evidently have in mind is actually called a Pu Pu Platter. A Poo Poo Platter is something, well, a bit different.

Then again, I suspect that most of those women who’ve “sampled” Heartiste’s alleged charms would have, in hindsight, rather spent the evening cleaning shit out of a toilet tank.

368 replies on “Attention Heartiste: Don Draper is not an actual person”

On the other hand, a virgin is just as capable of an experienced woman of figuring out when the sex feels bad, so he wouldn’t get any advantage there.

True dat. My first time, I figured out why it was hurting, and it wasn’t him (he was quite average in size). So I quickly learned to relax my muscles and tip my pelvis up to meet him. Didn’t orgasm, wasn’t expecting to, but I did manage to get through it without any more unpleasant pinchy sensations. Also, no bleeding, so WIN!

Random poll for anyone who wants to participate – how many women here did bleed the first time they experienced PIV? I didn’t either, which urban legends say would be a result of doing lots of sport as a kid, but I’m not convinced that’s true. So I’m just curious roughly what the percentages are in terms of did/did not bleed.

I didn’t bleed, though there was one point when I was thirteen, and I randomly got a one-day period in the middle of my cycles. Looking back, it might’ve been a random, early hymen breakage.

I don’t remember any bleeding that couldn’t be explained as part of my cycle, but then that started at 9 so if it was earlier than that I may just not remember. If I had bled out of cycle due to hymen breakage after that I would remember, though, since I’ve always been regular as clockwork.

I’ve always been fairly regular as well, even before BC, so that one incident really stood out. No idea if that’s actually what it was though.

My not-bleeding may have been down to my using tampons since age 12, just a few months after menarche, when my periods got too heavy for pads alone. My mom was worried that I wasn’t “grown enough” to use Supers or Super Pluses, but I never had a moment’s trouble with either size. The applicators are maybe the thickness of a thumb, which is no problem at all. Also, my first manual pelvic exam was shortly before my 15th birthday, because I got hit by a car at 14 and suffered a broken pelvis. I was used to inserting things (or having things inserted) by the time I first had sex, so it wasn’t hard for me to find the self-awareness to make THAT insertion easier, too.

I always felt really awkward having mine at school because the bathrooms didn’t have the little tin trashcans that they usually put inside the women’s stalls.

Anyway, one of my friends said that she bled a lot her first time, but her then-boyfriend also changed the position ten times in ten minutes, which apparently made it really hard for her to adjust. Then again, the fact that my first guy had a penis that was so bent that it pretty much looked like a “J” and the fact that he didn’t understand that he wasn’t trying to tenderize meat didn’t make me bleed, so I dunno.

Maybe TMI: I didn’t bleed my first time having PIV (still hurt like hell, though, till he started moving). But that was after my hymen(s) had been broken, which was done right as I was getting my abortion. That, too, hurt like hell, and there was definitely blood afterward, but I couldn’t tell you how much, if any, was from the broken hymens. I suspect I would have bled if I’d ever been able to allow to penetration, but the attempts hurt so badly that I could just never get there. I guess, like most of these type experiences, it just depends on the person.

I bled a little bit but not much. I’m not sure why my hymen didn’t break on its own. I was an avid biker who could do the splits. I couldn’t wear a tampon until after I lost my virginity which wasn’t until I was 18.

I didn’t bleed, either. I was surprised when we finished up and I prepared for a massive biohazard type clean-up only to find… no blood. And I remember being tender afterwards, but the act itself wasn’t painful.

Guess I got pretty lucky all around. 🙂

Barnburner is a lot like annoying animals who wander around, find a lawn to poop on, and then walk away to leave it there. He comes in, drops a turd of a statement, and wanders off because, hey, ball’s in our court now. I don’t wanna clean up your poop, barnburner.

InsanityBytes 22 keeps doing the same thing. Once everyone starts throwing questions her way that she doesn’t want to answer, she skips off to her blog and waits for another thread.

TMI, but, I bled copiously my first time, as in, I had to put a pad in my underwear & the stain on the bedding looked like a small animal had been murdered there. And then my hymen partially healed, so I bled again the second time too. Ugh.

Alais, too true. Or she’ll complain about how wrong and mean we are on her own blog without having answered or addressed anything we mentioned. Then come back and poop again.

Non-PiV experiencer here, but going from how unbelievably painful my one pap smear was – so much so I stopped that godawful doctor finishing it – I would anticipate it to hurt, though I know Mr K would do his best to help avoid that! (And it wouldn’t be anyone else every by choice.)

Hey I’m a mod again. FEAR THE MODS!

Haven’t done PIV, or anything, so I can’t really add anything here.

Other than, you know, someone boasting that they’re going to leave me raw is such spectacular motivation that I just can hardly wait to have sex with them.

:: sarcasm x 10,000,000,000 ::

Yikes, Puddleglum. That really does sound like some sort of curse where your parents pissed off one of the fairies at your christening and so now there will be Consequences.


Self-described “slut” here. PiV is *supposed* to feel good. There are certain pelvic issues that some women have that can make sex very painful. And I completely understand why they would not want that. On the other hand, there are also idiots out there who have no idea what they’re doing and they don’t care. That can cause a lot of pain. I should know. It’s happened to me before. Sorry for the PiV TMI but I do have experience with painful sex that was the fault of the idiotic duder.

Gratz kittehs 🙂

I couldn’t wear a tampon for about 6 years after I got PIV active. Also, felt scraped each time during those 6 years. Spent a long time wondering why any woman though PIV sex was for them.

pallygirl- Similar experience. I, for the life of me, just could not figure out or get behind tampons. I don’t really like the idea of them. For me, personally. I still only use pads to this day. When I started PIV sex in my early 20s, it was painful at first because of my own issues and the fools I hooked up with. I wanted so badly for sex to be good. It just didn’t happen for a while. Not until I figured things out in my own head and was able to suss out good partners. I didn’t want to have to keep finding selfish idiots who couldn’t sex good lol

Pallygirl, that sounds awful. 🙁 I hope that you’ve since either started enjoying PIV or found better ways to have sex.

TMI, but I remember thinking that it was normal to feel sore after PIV for the first year that I was sexually active because every guy except one left me with a lot of soreness. Then I ended up with my current boyfriend, and I remember being confused when I didn’t get sore after our first few times together. Then I realized that he was just doing it right and stopped wondering.

I blame all the romance novels where heroines are all excited that they’re sore because it reminds them of the sex. I seriously thought that I was just supposed to like it.

Ow ow ow

::crosses legs really tightly::

Hmm, are there any pictures of Bootsy as the Laser Cat of Doom? She’d make a great mod symbol that way.

I don’t see that Heartiste cares that he’s a bad lay.
If you have loathing for the people you’re having sex with, you’re probably a bad lay. You probably don’t care that you are a bad lay either.

If you hate women and hold women in contempt, as Heartiste seems to do?
Getting your rocks off while getting her just turned on enough to be really frustrated when you orgasm and bail on her would be part of the passive-aggressive fun.
Suspecting that’s what he does.
He wins if he c*ms and she doesn’t, basically.

It IS fear, but not so much fear of judgment that causes him to do all this.
It’s fear of any vulnerability with other humans at all, IMO.

Like a lot of sexuals (myself included), there’s a drive to have sex with other people that pushes you…really hard…to have sex with someone else involved.
You know, as opposed to taking matters into your own hands, which is has no emotional risk….but the sex act tends to make you open up and feel vulnerable…Oxytocin’s produced when you have an orgasm- Oxytocin being the bonding hormone.

Well, Heartiste doesn’t want any of that bonding shit, you know?
So he really works this hard to make women into a thing.
Then he can fuck them with emotional safety.

That’s my poke at the man’s thought process, anyway.

I see BarnBurner left his droppings and fucked off, at least he didn’t hang around pestering us for dating tips, I consider that progress.

Bootsy as a mod symbol? *_* Squeeee!

What we teach girls and women about sex is atrocious and it is full of lies. The whole thing about the hymen is bullshit. First time sex isn’t supposed to be painful. If it’s painful then something went wrong (aside from any pelvic diseases which is nobody’s fault) on the dude’s end. Girls/women go into the bedroom…afraid. I know I did. A part of me was afraid. I wanted to do it but I was also afraid. I thought there would be a lot of blood and pain. For me, there was. But it wasn’t in the way that I thought. Years later when I actually *learned* about sex, the hymen and first times, I was ….kind of peeved that nobody had told me this. I could have avoided a lot of fear and pain.

I know I’d be nervous, if not outright afraid, even now, on a first-earthly-night with Mr K, and I’ve had the hots for that man for over thirty years!

I wonder if the fact that it didn’t hurt for me was partly because I didn’t expect it to.

kitteh- I dunno if our nervousness comes from the same source but I understand how you feel. I used to be really nervous about sex but I also really wanted it. It confused me lol.

cassandrakitty- I should think so. If you’re excited and wanna do it then everything should be fine. Generally speaking of course.

I mean more that by creating this toxic cultural idea of losing your virginity naturally being a painful experience for women that may be making women so tense and nervous that of course it’s going to hurt.

And also if the guys expect it to as well, then no need to stop and try to figure out a way for it not to hurt, because the pain is to be expected. What a mess.

I meant the same thing as well. If you and your partner are not expecting pain, then good things will probably happen. There may or may not be a physical response to that. As I have heard lubrication varies from woman to woman. I don’t mean to necessarily to exclude trans-women, I simply don’t have enough knowledge to formulate any sort of commentary.

I’m pretty sure expecting it to would be what would cause it, for me; there’d be tension even if it was subconscious. Plus, the memory of that horrible pap smear and the fact that I can’t leave a tampon in because it’s way too painful would be at the back of the mind, too.

TMI time: I don’t arouse easily, these days, or not to the point where I think PiV would be fun. Again, it’d probably be different considering who’d be involved, but then again, maybe not.

Pap smears are not that painful compared to a colposcopy, which I have had…basically, a cervical biopsy.
My thought was, if they were doing something similar to a guy, there’d be more local anesthetic. That effing HURT.
Makes me wonder if they don’t use much, if any, local anesthetic because of why you do a colposcopy: to wit, positive test for HPV infection.

The colp is used to look for precancerous cells after a positive pap smear…so I wonder if they don’t bother to make it less painful as a sort of punishment for being slutty?

I have to have another one, better fucking grit teeth and schedule.

Random poll for anyone who wants to participate – how many women here did bleed the first time they experienced PIV? I didn’t either, which urban legends say would be a result of doing lots of sport as a kid, but I’m not convinced that’s true. So I’m just curious roughly what the percentages are in terms of did/did not bleed.

I didn’t bleed and it didn’t hurt. I had been using tampons since I was twelve, but I have a hard time thinking that explains it, since a tampon is so tiny compared to a penis. Plus can’t remember any instance that could have been “hymen-breaking by tampon”. I had done a lot of horse-riding, and urban legend says that might break a hymen, but honestly, how would that work? If you insert anything in there during horse-riding, you’re certainly doing horse-riding wrong.
I had irregular periods for the first years, so I guess that in theory some blood at some point might have been caused by hymen-breaking caused by tampons, horse-riding or whatever, but I really think it’s more plausible that I just didn’t have much of a hymen to start with. And this probably goes for a lot of people. Not for all people, I guess, since there are people who’s reported that they really were super-excited their first time and yet bled a lot, so we’re probably differently built down there… But I really wouldn’t be surprised if the majority of pain-and-bleeding-cases are just self-fulfilling expectations.

blahlistic, ow, more painful than a pap smear is a horrible thought. I know it varies but my one-and-only smear was unendurably painful, and worse than that …

I remember attending a lecture on dog breeding at the University of Agriculture at one point. The lecturer explained that certain bitches may be born with tissue that covers parts of the vagina, meaning that when a male tries to penetrate her, she will experience pain and skip away from him. Since this condition is hereditary, it is all for the best that these bitches do not reproduce. They never used the word “hymen”, but I was thinking all the time whether anyone else in class made the connection – they were obviously talking about having a noticeable hymen, saying that this is a “condition” that afflicts some bitches, who then do not want to have PIV sex since it hurts, and obviously they shouldn’t have to.

This is obviously not to say that human beings who happen to have a thick hymen shouldn’t grit their teeth together and get it over with if they really want to, you all do what you want of course, and it’s absolutely not to say that human beings with thick hymens shouldn’t reproduce or anything. BUT I thought it was interesting how this “condition” is painted as the norm for human beings whereas this lecturer freely talked about it as an exception, and also something problematic, for dogs.

It’s also really telling about how much we’re trained to think of PIV as being the only “real” sex, because if for whatever reason that isn’t working for a particular couple it’s not like there aren’t other things that people could do, but nope, those aren’t “real” sex, and you have to have “real” sex even if you aren’t enjoying it, so just grit your teeth, ladies.

Yes, that’s one trope that’s really hard to get away from – even to just get it out of the mind when you know it’s codswallop.

When I was a teenager (1990:s Sweden) there was this assumption that first you’d have PIV, and then you’d move on to have oral sex, which was considered a more “advanced” kind of sex act. I was surprised when I learned that for Americans, it was the other way around!
It wouldn’t surprise me if Swedish teenagers today regard things the way Americans do, since we seem to become more and more culturally influenced by the USA all the time. Still, kind of put things in perspective, how arbitrary these things are.

Oral sex always seemed to me to be a more intimate, if not advanced, sex act – I had pretty much the same idea that PiV was the basics. It does creep me out that oral sex is sometimes taken now as hardly being sex at all and something girls are expected to do for boys on an almost casual basis – with no apparent suggestion that the boys would ever return the favour. It reads like they’re being expected to service the boys, which makes me want to hurl.

It’s also really telling about how much we’re trained to think of PIV as being the only “real” sex

…That drives me nuts!
I mean, it’s like saying the female sex partners I’ve been to bed with are somehow less valid or something…
Plus… at age 41…after being married to another woman for a decade…I figured something out the not-so-hard way: I need to have ideas about how a guy and I can have fun with or without erectile co-operation. I don’t want either of us ending up feeling all shitty over an un-cooperative penis.

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