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9 Amazing Songs That It Is Probably Impossible To Have Sex To

She drove him away with Throbbing Gristle.
She drove him away with Throbbing Gristle.

Roosh’s Return of Kings blog recently posted a list of “7 Brilliant Songs To Make Love To,” to help all the would-be Romeos (and possible rapists) who read his blog to more easily manipulate drunk women into bed.

I would like to provide a somewhat more whimsical service to readers here of all genders. So here are 9 Amazing Songs That It Is Probably Impossible To Have Sex To (Unless You Have Them Playing At Extremely Low Volume).

1) Joe Meek: Original demo version of Telstar. Joe Meek was a brilliant if eccentric British producer who was unfortunately not such a brilliant singer. Here he sings — in a rather jarringly off-key manner — the melody to what became the massive hit “Telstar.” Luckily his studio musicians were able to figure out what he was getting at. For the much improved final product, listen here.

2) Unknown Band: Cocaine It’s impossible not to stare and listen in horror at the train wreck that is this cover version of Cocaine, and staring in horror is not generally conducive to sweet, sweet lovemaking. Plus, I’m guessing at least one of these dudes is a Men’s Rights Activist.

3) Boxxy:  You See (Extended Version) It’s the famously and deliberately irritating Internet meme girl Boxxy, only she’s been autotuned into something even more irritating. And this is the Extended Version.

3.1) Boxxy: Boxxy’s love song  Oh wait, this one’s even worse.

4) brokeNCYDE: Freaxxx This emo-screamo mess might put you off sex, and music, forever.

5) Throbbing Gristle – Live in Sheffield – University (10 June 1980) If you really want to spoil the mood, 57 minutes of Throbbing Gristle live will certainly do the trick.

6) Rush: The Trees An Ayn-Randian parable on the wonders of the free market, with the main characters in the story being DIFFERENT SPECIES OF TREES. And it’s sung by Geddy Lee. Captain Awkward considers this the ultimate Sex Kryptonite song.

7) Sonseed: Jesus is My Friend Christian ska, by some people who really have no business playing ska at all. So, obviously, no sex will ever be happening to this song.

8) Jade Michael and the FTSU Crew: Go My Own Way A Men’s Rights classic! MRAs will be too busy “going their own way” to have sex to this, while the rest of us will be laughing too hard.

9) Rick Dees: Disco Duck  On second thought, I think it might actually be possible to have sex to this song. Possibly even awesome sex.


179 replies on “9 Amazing Songs That It Is Probably Impossible To Have Sex To”

I just assumed roger was doing one of those MRA Mad Libs we had going recently…

Naked City’s “Torture Garden” is the sexiest album ever recorded. The smooth, sultry sounds of “Bonehead” and “Perfume of a Critic’s Burning Flesh” is sure to get a woman in the mood.

Honestly, “The Trees” sounds a lot like what I’d expect a self-described “bleeding-heart libertarian” to say, so it makes some sense.

It shows empathy for the “oaks” (read: the rich) who were ‘made’ that way (*coughstandardlibertarianbullshitcough*). But then it suggests that if the oaks can’t find a way to accommodate the smaller maple trees (read: everyone but the 1%), then shit’s gonna get ugly, so hey, guys, let some light in and maybe we won’t have a revolution.

So it kind of pushes for social justice, but only at gunpoint.

The trees didn’t make sense since the union of maples would have also asked the oaks for help, or their own space, or whatever. I’m sorry but I don’t see unions forcing the 1% into poverty and then just throwing out the cash.

Also, it kind of ignores that in a maple vs. oak fight… well, global climate change is going to impact oaks heavily.

Citation via PDF. (just from a cursory google–there’s probably better non-PDF resources out there, but I didn’t see them.

(cough) It almost seems like the reregulation bugaboo that the Randians preach would be, um, anti-oak, in the end.


Nonsense! If there’s one thing I know about song lyrics, it’s that they are the most important thing in the world, and cannot be OVERanalyzed!

Now, let us discuss the meaning of that one song with the really goofy lyrics. Because there is hidden meaning in there for sure.


The trees didn’t make sense since the union of maples would have also asked the oaks for help, or their own space, or whatever. I’m sorry but I don’t see unions forcing the 1% into poverty and then just throwing out the cash.

In the analogy of the song, “light” is the metaphor for wealth/resources. So by cutting down the oaks, the maples free up the light for everyone else. Now, this is a ‘bad’ result by libertarian thinking, because it means that you end up with nothing but short trees (interestingly, C.S. Lewis makes a similar complaint about Democracy in general in The Screwtape Letters). So the song is advising the oaks to prevent this result by loosening up and finding some other solution (such as leaving a clearing for the maples, or filtering down a bit more light to them). The song basically reads as, “Let some minor amount of social welfare programs through, or the plebes really will rise up and kill us all.”

So, yeah, about as ‘progressive’ as libertarianism gets.

Oh, and Howard, that song’s obviously about the writer’s relationship with his aunt and her pet marmoset. I don’t get how people can miss that.

Roger clearly understood the true spirit of the thread and wanted to participate by offering his own entry. He did better than expected, since no matter what kind of music you set his rambling screed to nobody would be able to fuck to it.

That “Cocaine” cover is amazing. I wonder if lack-of-rhythm can be terminal. If so, these guys have 6 months, tops.

There’s more than a little ubermensch undertone to the tree song, too. The oaks grow taller because they’re just naturally taller. And there’s no point in trying to help the maples grow; they’re just not capable of being tall like the oaks!

After doing this post I had “boxy you see” stuck in my head.

I actually sort of like this loop. It sounds almost Kate Bush-like.

And if you really want to get “boxy you see” stuck in your head, here’s ten hours of it:

I bought Sleater-Kinney’s final (’05) album, “The Woods”, in Lawrence, Kansas, and have been listening to it while driving cross country. The song “Let’s Call It Love” is sexy as hell, but I think Roosh et al. would hate it, so I’m going to post it here.

My dear, look at my face, I’ve been waiting for you in the same old place.
I’ve got a long time for love.
Jewels could spill from my cup.
But it’s all locked down, and I’m all locked up.
I’ve got a long time for love.
A woman is not a girl.
I could show you a thing or two.
I’ve got a long time for love.
Come on let’s go to the mat.
Hit the floor honey, let’s battle it out.
I’ve got a long time for love.

Lawrence is cool as hell btw. Weird liberal college town in the middle of Kansas. DID YOU KNOW that Bill S. Burroughs lived there for a while? That it was founded by free-soil abolitionists and was sacked and burned to the ground by slave-state militias? NOW YOU DO!

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