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Throbbing pinkies, misplaced nipples, and breasts that wave: Signs she’s not a virgin?

Saggy ears: Another sign she might have done the sex thing

By David Futrelle

Fellas! How often do you find yourself wondering if the pretty lady you have  a crush on is the pure, untouched virgin you deserve? The “unbroken hymen” thing is bullshit, unfortunately (and that’s assuming she’s one of those ladies who has a vagina). And besides, you’d probably have to buy her an expensive dinner before she’d even let you have access to that whole area down there.

But you’re in luck! There are several foolproof ways to tell if she’s a virgin without having to get into her pants! A helpful video titled “10 Signs Of Women Who Are Not Virgin (They Can’t Lie To You Anymore)” details, well, ten signs that women aren’t virgins, so they can’t lie to you any more, all helpfully explained by a robot voice and illustrated with stock footage.

Apparently “the character of a virgin woman can be known by observing her physical appearance,” because sex literally alters a woman’s body, from her ears to her back to her boobs And not in a good way!

You can watch the entire video below (it’s only six minutes long) but here are a few of the key findings:

THE NOSE:

“The tip of the nose of a woman who is not a virgin will look faded or pale red. The virgin woman, the tip of her nose would look red. There is no scientific explanation about it yet but most likely it is based on empirical observations from the public.”

THE BACK

“Women’s backs will change because of two things — the influence of hormones and because of the touch of men. Women who have had sex will have an enlarged back. … her back will look wide and big and will be seen clearly as she walks. …

“During sex the back of the women will become erect and after completion of the back will loose in fall. The more frequent sex will make the back more slack.”

THE EARS

“Generally, women who are not virgins during sex will receive stimulation from the man in [their] ears by kissing … [This] will make the ears become more saggy and red.”

THE FOREHEAD

“The virgin’s forehead will look slippery while women [who] are not virgin will look wrinkled and streaked like an old man’s forehead.”

THE BOOBSTERS

“Usually the breasts that have been touched by a man will loosen [and] when [she] is running will be seen waving.

“Meanwhile the breasts of women who have never had sex will remain stable and not to wave despite being run.” 

THE NIPS

“Women who have touched a man, usually [their] nipples will be longer and slightly out of place. Breasts that have been on a man’s suction, usually [the] nipples will become more bruised.”

THE EYES

“[W]omen who are no longer virgins will be visible from the outside especially by those who have much experience on this subject.

“If we look at the eyes of a woman who is not a virgin anymore the bottom of her eyes there are a few folds and look bruised. …

“The virgin girl her eyes will look radiant and there are no black marks, lines or bruises.”

THE CHEEKS

“The cheeks of women who had sex did not look radiant. … A virgin girl has a sweaty cheek even in a cold place.”

PINKIE FINGERS

“If the little finger of a woman is held tightly and she is not aroused, chances are she is not a virgin. But if she feels a little bit aroused … and there is a slight throbbing pain then chances are [she’s] still a virgin.”

BELLIES

“Women who have had sex will have a swollen abdomen and a little distended. During intercourse women will use abdominal muscles that cause the stomach to expand, and after the sexual activity is complete the stomach will be slightly distended.”

LIPS

“Lips of women who have never kissed a man with lust will look reddish … The woman who has ever kissed [her] lips by the man will look cracked … and when laughing [her] lips will look bigger.”

So now you know what to look for, fellas! Good luck in your virgin hunt!

H/T — r/badwomensanatomy

185 Comments
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Shadowplay
4 years ago

Just one question here:

WHAT FUCKING SPECIES IS HE TALKING ABOUT?

Narrowed it down to octopi or elephant seals.

Alan Robertshaw
Alan Robertshaw
4 years ago

So all of the other reindeer were virgin-shaming Rudolph? That makes it even worse.

sunnysombrera
4 years ago

Please tell me this is just a troll video trying to trick incels/PUAs/MRAs etc. for laughs.

jon
jon
4 years ago

I love the robot voice. It makes even insane words sound almost as if the robot itself believes them. And such inflection! It says “I am an authority” much like a child reading from an encyclopedia entry always sounds as if there is the deepest understanding.

It’s almost as human as the subjects of this video.

Zaunfink
Zaunfink
4 years ago

My back does what during and after sex? And how does the maker of this video kiss to make ears be kissed sag?

I just…. This is wonderful!

Almost as good as the robot commercial (which I have shown to everyone I could think of because it’s like a sex terminator!)

Scented Fucking Hard Chairs
Scented Fucking Hard Chairs
4 years ago

“Meanwhile the breasts of women who have never had sex will remain stable and not to wave despite being run.”

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Austin G Loomis
Austin G Loomis
4 years ago

There is no scientific explanation about it yet but most likely it is based on empirical observations from the public.

“Now that’s a scientific fact; there’s no real evidence for it, but it is scientific fact.”
— Dr Neil Fox on Brass Eye, 2001

Ooglyboggles
4 years ago

Wat. But, eh?comment image

cornychips
cornychips
4 years ago

this almost reads like he is describing prepubescent girls. barf

Otrame
Otrame
4 years ago

Okay…..

Nope. I got nothing.

EJ (The Other One)
4 years ago

I think you’re right, sunnysombrera. This can’t possibly be real. If nothing else, it’s too funny.

I feel slightly guilty for enjoying the bad grammar as much as I do, but it’s amazing. “Women who are not virgins are visible from outside”, for example, implying that virgins are invisible.

Verily Baroque
Verily Baroque
4 years ago

About the pinkie finger thing: who is supposed to feel the “throbbing pain”, her or the MRA testing her for virginity?

If it’s her, then how exactly is one supposed to work “By the way, I’m now going to hold your pinkie finger, tell me if you feel throbbing pain or arousal” into small talk?

I’m hoping the video is a troll or a parody because otherwise someone really needs to do some research on human anatomy…

Subtract Hominem, the Renegade Misandroid
Subtract Hominem, the Renegade Misandroid
4 years ago

Still less disturbing than that Lauren Southern fan art from Friday’s “today in Tweets” thread.

Weird (and tired of trumplings) Eddie
Weird (and tired of trumplings) Eddie
4 years ago

what the complete FUCK???

when I was in junior high (mid-60s), we had an interminable number of legend/myth stories about the foreign species we called “girls”… but nothing to approach this incredibia…

There is no scientific explanation about it yet but most likely it is based on empirical observations from the public.

this is the conservative/igno-right evidenciary category called “everybody knows”

Dr. Thang
Dr. Thang
4 years ago

I find it not remotely surprising that all these “signs” women are not a virgin just happen to all be things that make them less attractive. Except the pinky finger thing…I have no fucking clue that that’s about. As for the rest, it’s like he has no idea how human skin works, because apparently touching someone once leaves them with a permanent deformity of some sort, but ONLY if it happens during sex? I’d say this must be satire, but I can’t tell the difference anymore.

Buttercup Q. Skullpants
Buttercup Q. Skullpants
4 years ago

@EJ: I…I think it’s some kind of reverse thestral thing? Where women become invisible to incels once they’ve seen sex?

her back will…be seen clearly as she walks.

O.o

A virgin girl has a sweaty cheek even in a cold place.

That’s called menopause.

“The virgin girl her eyes will look radiant and there are no black marks, lines or bruises.”

Actually, those are the telltale signs of someone who isn’t dating an abusive assbarge.

Jesalin
Jesalin
4 years ago

Shakes her head Oh my Goddess, if stupid could be harnessed as an energy source…

Weird (and tired of trumplings) Eddie
Weird (and tired of trumplings) Eddie
4 years ago

@ Verily Baroque

MRA feeling throbbing pain in pinkie after checking a woman for virginity:

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D. D. Webb
4 years ago

Well, there it is. I don’t like to throw around absolutes, but this truly is it: the stupidest thing I have ever seen.

SinisterPigeon
SinisterPigeon
4 years ago

This forced me out of lurking. First I would like to apologize to all of those I have apparently maimed with my touch. But now that that is done, I have questions…..

Non-heterosexual sex. Is that as destructive or is it only men who have the power to mold our lovers and…remove the shine?

If I enjoy having my ears kissed, will I also have floppy ears? Do men suffer any effects of sex or is it only women who temporarily become gumby as soon as a penis is in the picture. Just some questions to further enhance this fantastic expose of science.

/s All the /s

Z&T
Z&T
4 years ago

Pinky fingers…

I presently have a rather bad ouch on one.

I literally can find a million ways to injure myself.

What happened: I walked to the store. I was wearing the jeans I have on now, which are a bit too big, a T shirt, and a white puffy jacket. Waist length. It has a zipper plus buttons. None in use, it was a warmer day, and the jacket was open.

Walking back from the store, my too big pants were sliding down. I reached to the right side to hike them up – and my pinky finger (and nail, I found out), got caught on the last button of this jacket (in waist area), I could feel it snag on that, moved it, continued to hike up pants.

As I continued walking….
Oh no! My hand is bleeding! Button must’ve got shoved under there worse than I thought. And then it also started to hurt.

I had a tissue on me so I wrapped it around and carried on home.
Crack in the middle of the nail, I’m still dealing with this, still getting snagged on everything.

What an odd way to hurt yourself.

And my hurt pinky is not a “sex sign” either.

WTF?

Wait, red noses:
My drinking bud here is singing Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer, Ha. And also: Allergies.
There’s wall to wall TV adverts for allergy meds here, already, and it may as well be still winter, regardless, these adverts, and the allergies all happen at this time of year, do these people not see all this? They likely themselves have allergies.

It’s a sign of virginity?
If anything it’s a sign that someone’s got hay fever.
In these parts, I will guess (as a shopper, I do not work in retail), that the “allergy and cold” medicine aisles are restocked far more frequently then the condom and sex lube areas are. Those only have a small space by the pharmacy, the allergy and cold meds? Have an entire aisle.

weirwoodtreehugger: chief manatee

I don’t even know what to say.

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EJ (The Other One)
4 years ago

@Buttercup Q Skullpants:
I’ve been watching The City & The City, so I’m imagining the invisibility of virgins as being one of those “when in Beszel, see Beszel” things.

Scented Fucking Hard Chairs
Scented Fucking Hard Chairs
4 years ago

Wait, wait, I think I’ve figured it out.

The text-to-speech almost fooled me, Zoidberg, but I’m onto you!

Rabid Rabbit
Rabid Rabbit
4 years ago

@Alan:

So all of the other reindeer were virgin-shaming Rudolph?

Only in English. In the French version, they’re accusing her* of being a drunk.

* I seem to remember that someone who knows about reindeers proved that Rudolf must have been female.

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