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Slutty oranges and tuna vaginas: The sexy sex insights of Reno Omokri

Dontcha wish your girlfriend was an orange like me?

By David Futrelle

If you regularly partake in the Twitter, you may have seen this lovely tweet making the rounds in recent days:

https://twitter.com/renoomokri/status/963280461647659008

More than a few people have pointed out to Mr. Omokri that vaginas are not in fact slabs of dead fish and that vagina-havers can push entire human babies through them without permanently stretched them out. “Vaginas are muscular structures, not gaping holes,” writer Leah McElrath noted in a tweet. “They are potential spaces whose size changes to accommodate what goes in or comes out (i.e. babies).”

It turns out that Omokri — a conservative Christian author — has a lot of other thoughts about women, and vaginas, and food.

In this tweet, he tries out a citrus-fruit-based metaphor that I’m still struggling to make sense of,

So ladies, don’t be slutty oranges that men will toss out after fucking once. Be monogamous oranges that men will want to keep around to … fuck again and again, I guess.

Omokri is trying to sell his readers on marriage, but he’s doing a terrible job of it. This tweet is probably the bleakest metaphor for marriage I’ve ever run across.

I just hope he doesn’t think men should be peeling the skin off their wives before enjoying their juice, as it were.

But he’s not done with the food metaphors. Hell, he’s not even done with the fruit metaphors. Here he is comparing men to fruit trees.

He makes the same point again in this tweet, in which he compares women to stinging insects.

In yet another tweet he compares women to soup because why not?

While the food metaphor is once again nonsensical and misogynistic,it’s too dumb to get outraged over. To me, the most offensive thing about this tweet is that Omokri missed the opportunity to make an obvious pun. Shouldn’t it be “too many cocks spoil the broth?” Do I have to do all the work here?

But Omokri doesn’t only compare women to bugs and foodstuff. Here he offers an even darker metaphor.

While Omokri thinks the vaginas of promiscuous women are like overfucked tuna or wrung-out oranges, he has a rather more sympathetic view of the vaginas of virtuous virgins.

So, cis ladies, are you whores or virgins? Your choice, at least in Omokri’s exceedingly strange mind, will determine whether your vaginas are unappetizing foodstuffs or portals to the divine.

PS: If all the talk of sex and fruit has you turned on, you might want to check out the new sex technique that’s (allegedly) sweeping the nation. It’s called Grapefuiting. This somewhat NSFW video explains it far better than I could, though there’s a slight chance it might put you off grapefruits forever.

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Arctic Ape
Arctic Ape
4 years ago

Alan – I’m not a Dune fan but noticed long ago that Harkonnen looks like common Finnish-American Anglicization pattern on Finnish surname Härkönen (“Ox kin”). Recently saw this confirmed on Wikipedia.

Frank Herbert wanted a harsh-sounding name for the antagonists of his novel, Dune. Herbert came across the name “Härkönen” in a California telephone book and thought that it sounded “Soviet” (it is in fact Finnish), which touched a nerve with Cold War-era readers.[2] In earlier drafts of his novel, the lead villain was called “Valdemar Hoskanner”.

There might be a Vladimir Härkönen in some family of mixed Finnish and Russian ancestry, most likely in Russia.

Hambeast
Hambeast
4 years ago

Kupo said

People are weird about food. They get angry if you don’t like the food they like. They insist you eat even if you turn down the food they offer. They don’t take allergies as a good reason not to eat something. They intentionally feed you things you don’t like or are allergic to in order to test you because they don’t believe you.

I have never understood this. In fact, one of the things Kidbeast and I have bonded over is that we both think Husbeast’s insistence on them trying new foods* is silly. My mom was a bit overbearing on that front and I always hated it, so I can’t see how doing it to others would be a good thing.

I think encouragement to try new foods is okay, but this goes beyond that and Kidbeast is old enough to know what they do and don’t like, pretty much. Even if I’m wrong, Kidbeast has two other parents and I don’t have to participate in this particular “rule.”

opposablethumbs
opposablethumbs
4 years ago

“This plaque has been placed here in response to [our getting quite incredibly pissed off with very, very, very ] many inquiries” :-]

Bina
Bina
4 years ago

@Alan:

It’s ironic that the Nazis do the ‘soyboy’ thing, considering their idol’s culinary preferences.

Isn’t it? I find it deliciously ironic, in light of the fact that Hitler’s personal dope dealer — sorry, “doctor” — gave him a fecal transplant (capsules full of coliform bacteria from healthy young soldiers) to help the newly-vegetarian Onkel Adolf cope with all those beans he couldn’t digest.

But I guess that since they probably weren’t soy, they don’t count?

The Real Cie
4 years ago

Re: the “living coffins inside which so many aborted children have been murdered” bit.
Does this ultramaroon believe that the majority of women have multiple abortions? Like, we alternate having a period with having an abortion every other month or something?
Seeing as he really doesn’t seem to understand how female anatomy works, I can only hope that no woman ever lets him near hers.

The Real Cie
4 years ago

Off topic but on a different topic, I love pineapple on pizza and I don’t care who knows it. The late Ronnie James Dio once joked that if he were suddenly made ruler of the world, he would send anyone who put pineapple on pizza to the dungeon, but he was, you know, joking. Some people are so deadly serious about it that it makes me want to keep cans of pineapple handy so I can scoop some onto their pizza. Sheesh.

flexitarian haruspix
flexitarian haruspix
4 years ago

This guy has so many euphemisms and hang-ups about referering to women’s bits it makes you ask:

Orange you glad he didn’t say ‘vagina’?

bluecat
bluecat
4 years ago

I’m late to this party, but can I suggest “The wise orange abstains from sec” as my new T-shirt slogan.

happy cat
happy cat
3 years ago

By the way, have you seen this parody?

https://twitter.com/PUAForWomen/status/1039685977231380482

Virgin Mary
Virgin Mary
3 years ago

My eldest cousin lost his virginity to a bunny rabbit puppet, and my younger cousin lost his to a Popple, I wonder why their magic splunk didn’t cause these inanimate soft toys to come alive, achieve sentience and maybe go to university?

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