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Rancid pickup artist celebrates “free-balling.” You may lose your lunch

Literally the only circumstance in which I want to hear about “going commando.”

By David Futrelle

Our old friend Heartiste, the Nazoid pickup artist with the penchant for overwrought prose, has penned a short paean to the alleged joys of “going commando” — that is, not wearing underwear. It is … something.

Here’s my favorite passage, by which I mean the part of the post that nearly caused me to lose my lunch, on how much fun it is to pester women in nightclubs sans undies.

There’s nothing quite like the exhilaration of approaching and chatting up a hot chick while unbeknownst to her your half-chubbed meat sniffs around her twat trench through one precarious layer of fabric stretched to its absolute restraining limit.

Eww.

Heartiste (real name James Weidmann) apparently also likes it when his balls fall out of his shorts. At least I think that’s what he’s saying here. Heartiste is such a terrible writer it’s a bit hard to tell.

Bonus exhilaration if you’re wearing loose-fitting shorts in a Miami den of iniquity, and an insolent spheroid squeezes past a sentinel seam.

And now I’ve ruined lunch for everyone, I guess.

87 replies on “Rancid pickup artist celebrates “free-balling.” You may lose your lunch”

I’ve never bothered to read the comments section on a CH post, but for S&Gs, I did that one and was a bit awed at the absurdity. I expected dick jokes, bitch hate, one-upmanship… but, no?

It was all multi stanza, rhyming, crass poetry – LOTS of it, complete with critiquing and weird poetry self promotion – interspersed with weird alt-right screed crap. A few “I’ve been at CH longer than you!”s peppered through the mix.

Very confused.

It still amazes me that Heartiste uses so flowery, superfluous words just to say he’s an unrepentant douchebag.

@Jojo Mojo:
It probably was Newt Gingrich. It can be so easy to get the right-wing blowhards mixed up. (Though Gingrich was actually in office while Limbaugh was just poisoning the public well of conversation via radio.)

Dave is a better man than I am Gunga Din. This post gave me the giggles for 10 minutes. But I wouldn’t go to that site for more. Holy crap though, who writes like that? I’ve got to admit it comes off as original or fresh, but the horror genre has been lackluster lately.

Somehow “Freeballing” morphed into Tom Petty’s Free Falling. Soundtrack could be helpful to distract from nausea. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1lWJXDG2i0A

@David

The only way she wouldn’t notice an erection through your clothing, Heartiste, is if it were absolutely microscopic

I dunno, fam, maybe we should avoid that kinda talk. Generally considered rather uncool. Cool?

That’s an extremely involved meditation on male genitalia from an ostensibly straight man. I’ll leave it at that.

unbeknownst to her your half-chubbed meat sniffs around her twat trench through one precarious layer of fabric stretched to its absolute restraining limit.

I’m HOWLING with laughter!! Oh my god! HAHAHAHAHAHA

Dormousing_it, I get what you’re trying to do. At least I think so–were you making fun of Heartiste in a way that would tick him off, by implying he has hidden gay inclinations, which may infuriate him, as opposed to calling him a regressive misogynist or whatever, which he certainly wouldn’t mind? Sorry if I’ve misinterpreted you or made a bad assumption somewhere.

Anyway, I take issue with your mocking him for having written so floridly about his penis/penises in general, stopping just short of explicitly calling him gay for having done so, regardless of your intention in doing so. Calling somebody gay with the intention of the recipient taking it as an insult, even if you don’t feel that way, can still reinforce the negative implication of being gay. Even if only people predisposed to homophobia take it at face value, seeing it could well reinforce their views. People see what they want to see, basically.

I hope this wasn’t too overwrought. As I said at the start, I didn’t take your joke seriously, I don’t think you think being gay is worthy of mockery, etc. I just it’s risky relying on every person who sees your post detecting that you don’t really think being gay is bad. We all know how terrible MRAs, MGTOWs, etc are at detecting jokes and irony.

Having someone like Heartiste speak the English language somehow devalues the whole thing.

David picked the creepiest part, but not (I think) the most ridiculous:

When you free-ball, girls won’t miss that mischievous smirk that tells them you are hiding secret knowledge, something delicious and naughty that would scandalize wilting flowers.

What’s if they think the “secret knowledge” is the Unified Field Theory, the location of the Holy Grail, or how to prevent laundry from getting fuzzy? And then they discover it’s just that he’s not wearing underpants? Seems a bit of a let-down to me.

Also, “scandalize wilting flowers”? If you want to mix your metaphors, mix ’em better.

Unless the woman he’s referring to is completely naked, l see Heartiste’s math skills rival his writing skills.

@Molloy, Moran, Malone

No, I don’t think being gay is worthy of mockery, or is anything to be ashamed of. I was thinking along the lines of your first paragraph…Heartiste would consider it an insult.

You’re right, many people might misconstrue it. Right after I posted it, I had misgivings, but it was too late.

Sorry to anyone I might have offended. It wasn’t intentional.

I’ve wondered about some manosphere types, if they aren’t repressing homosexual urges. They do seem to fetishize a stereotypical he-man masculinity. I don’t think most of them have the character, courage, or self-awareness to acknowledge that they experience homosexual yearnings.

It’s after 2 AM here, I’m becoming incoherent. Goodnight/good morning to all.

I’m reminded by a quote from one of my favorite books. It applied to writing sex scenes, but I think you can see why it applies here:

“Giving a reader a sex scene that is only half right is like giving her half of a kitten. It is not half as cute as a whole kitten; it is a bloody, godawful mess.”

@Dormousing_it: No need to apologize, at least in my book; I knew you meant nothing by it, and totally get why you said it in the first place. These jackasses are well worth mockery; they’re so overblown and obsessed with their warped, toxic conception of masculinity that a saint would be tempted to poke a hole and watch them deflate, and you and I both know that the best way to do that is to turn their own fucked-up framework against them.

I seriously wasn’t trying to scold you or anything, I just wanted to communicate why, in my opinion, at least, it’s not a great idea to do so, tempting as it may sometimes be. Hope all that is/was clear. Enjoy your rest.

“insolent spheroid”

Omg I am actually crying with laughter. Every time I read anything by Heartiste it feels like he ate too many thesauruses and did a sick. If you are reading this, Heartiste, you are a HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE WRITER. So syllable. Much dictionary. Wow

Also, do you know, half of this seems to be about getting off on the fact women don’t know you forgot your boxers and would be scandalised. Which is a) creepily close to lack of consent and b) untrue, because who gives a crap whether people are wearing underwear or not? We’re all naked under our clothes, one layer more or less makes no difference.

MMM:

I mean really, what is there to glean from Heartiste saying “not wearing underwear and interacting with women who don’t know is personally thrilling to me”. Okay. Yes. I mean, in my book, it’s not okay to involve people in your kinks without their knowledge and consent, although granted, this is probably going to be seen my most as a minor form of doing so. But even if we set that little issue aside, what is he…I don’t know, even trying to accomplish here?

Phase 1: Eschew underpants
Phase 2: ?
Phase 3: Profit!

OT: brain bleach for anyone disturbed by thoughts of those spheroids:

https://twitter.com/sarperduman/status/899554884479066112

Moggie: That’s seriously one of the cutest cat videos I’ve ever seen, which is saying something, because my partner and I have a ritual where we both accumulate as many cute pics/gifs/etc throughout the day. Then, when we’re when laying in bed at the end of the day, show them all to each other. First her, then me. It started as a thing intended to help buoy my spirits when I was in was in truly dire straits, and it worked well enough that it quickly evolved into a sort of mutual daily self-care exercise.

The point of all this is that I’m going to have a silver bullet tonight thanks to you. Much appreciated.

@Dormousing_it:

Implying closeted homosexuality is frowned upon. People aren’t homophobic because they’re repressing homosexual tendencies.

@dslucia:

I apologized after someone called me out on it.

I don’t know about your second sentence. I’ll let it go, because I’m straight and I can’t speak with any authority on the topic; also because I hate arguing, and I’m lousy at it. 😀

@Dormousing_it:

Oh, I know, I was referring more to this:

I’ve wondered about some manosphere types, if they aren’t repressing homosexual urges. They do seem to fetishize a stereotypical he-man masculinity. I don’t think most of them have the character, courage, or self-awareness to acknowledge that they experience homosexual yearnings.

This isn’t the place to speculate on whether manospherians are straight or gay or any other sexuality, because it doesn’t really matter to their toxic views. You don’t need to be gay to idealize certain stereotypes of “Men”, and implying that they might just be repressed just offloads the responsibility from homophobic hetero people.

EDIT: I’m also not trying to scold you or anything, just emphasizing what I’ve seen and heard from the rules and other people here.

He gets exhilarated by going commando?
There’s nothing as exhilarating as not wearing undies?
No wonder he tries too hard to purple up his prose. His a bland, joyless man with a bland, joyless life.

@Molloy
Now, if that ain’t the most adorablest thing i ever did hear 🙂

Isnt this shit sexual harassment? Intentionally rubing your loose boner on strangers? God damn it!

…I don’t know if it’s bad for me that I’m kind of hoping he finds out one of the downsides of commando and catches his unit in the jeans zipper.

Happened to someone I knew in college. Got infected. Was not a fun time, from all accounts. Especially when it involved the nurse having to inspect.

In his own case, I think Weidmann would have it coming, both from going sans undies and from what he does to the innocent English language. Longer words not better words all the time!

Imaginary Petal | August 25, 2017 at 12:54 pm
It’s so extremely revealing that these are the sorts lf things that make alleged PUAs feel all naughty and wicked.

No kidding. They’re so fucking vanilla.

[TMI WARNING]

I’ve got an exhibition kink (and I know how to do it properly, with a consenting audience and all that), and a dude stupidly grinning at me and possibly thrusting his crotch in my direction because he’s not wearing underpants and wants me to be aghast about it is just so lame. Like 50SoG lame. There’s no thrill there, it’s just a dude being a jackass, and that’s not sexy.

I go without underpants sometimes and I don’t feel the need to grimace at passerby about it. I just keep it to myself (or to myself and a consenting partner), because that’s most of the fun. Grinning awkwardly at strangers kind of ruins the secret and makes you look like a weirdo who’s harassing people at the bar.

The kinky part of that scenario for me isn’t that my junk is out there to “scandalize wilting flowers”, it’s the thrill of doing something that’s generally frowned upon in secret.

It’s not kinky to force other people to be brought into your play, ya numpties.

[/TMI WARNING]

Epitome, thanks for that excerpt. The idea of an adult describing going without underwear as something “delicious and naughty” that is signalled by a “mischievous smirk” is indeed disagreeable. It reminds me of a parody of “Playboy’s Party Jokes” I read many years ago.

Alan Robertshaw, thank you for the reference to Garth Marenghi. I had not heard of that before.

The only times I can think of when going commando is entirely appropriate are wearing a kilt and wearing nothing at all.

I’ve sometimes not worn pants when whatever I was wearing had a vpl and looked better without or it was just more comfortable or I ran out of clean pants or whatever. I can honestly say I forget within about 5 minutes, so much so that I once inadvertently flashed a street of strangers (dress, stool, big window, three margaritas, hilarious consequences). It’s not shocking. I have seen penises before and when they are not attached to someone attractive they are as interesting as the last sausage in the chip shop.

@paradoxical intention
You’re right. The word for this is “lame”

Maybe it’s just me, but the reference to “Miami den of iniquity” (or whatever the fuck it was) made it sound like he goes to ‘gentlemens clubs’ wearing only those basketball shorts kind of pants and pays however much it costs to get lap dances in the champagne room.

Dancers hate those guys who always seem to be…quick on the draw…and almost ALWAYS wear those basketball shorts sans underwear…nothing truly turns a shift down a lousy road more than some asshole developing a wet spot and having to go sanitize yourself even though it is never possible to ‘clean’ enough nor pays enough. Eerrrrr…allegedly, so I’ve heard.

All the words in a thesaurus, the badly written ‘huh-huh huh my dick and yarbles” – it seems like a contrived attempt to confess that his secret knowledge is that he’s of no interest to the young women he’s sexually harassing who likely have been socialized to avoid the drama of yelling “something something…stranger danger…” in public settings.

He’s long been in…the creeper zone…(insert twilight zone type theme music)

Hello.

> JS
Ah, never mind the bollocks…

> On topic
well, were PUA not supposed to take care of themselves ? That is the best way to jam a testicle if you have a zip.

Have a nice day.

Ewwwww
So many unpleasant mental images from this post. On a positive note, everything David posts makes, for a fascinating look into the extremely cultisth minds of these types of organizations. Plus it makes me grateful my boyfriend isn’t a festering pimple on the ass (sorry for more graphic mental images )of humanity as the people this blog fairly mocks are..

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