Categories
alt-right creepy eww heartiste

Rancid pickup artist celebrates “free-balling.” You may lose your lunch

Literally the only circumstance in which I want to hear about “going commando.”

By David Futrelle

Our old friend Heartiste, the Nazoid pickup artist with the penchant for overwrought prose, has penned a short paean to the alleged joys of “going commando” — that is, not wearing underwear. It is … something.

Here’s my favorite passage, by which I mean the part of the post that nearly caused me to lose my lunch, on how much fun it is to pester women in nightclubs sans undies.

There’s nothing quite like the exhilaration of approaching and chatting up a hot chick while unbeknownst to her your half-chubbed meat sniffs around her twat trench through one precarious layer of fabric stretched to its absolute restraining limit.

Eww.

Heartiste (real name James Weidmann) apparently also likes it when his balls fall out of his shorts. At least I think that’s what he’s saying here. Heartiste is such a terrible writer it’s a bit hard to tell.

Bonus exhilaration if you’re wearing loose-fitting shorts in a Miami den of iniquity, and an insolent spheroid squeezes past a sentinel seam.

And now I’ve ruined lunch for everyone, I guess.

87 Comments
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
dslucia
dslucia
4 years ago

@Dormousing_it:

Oh, I know, I was referring more to this:

I’ve wondered about some manosphere types, if they aren’t repressing homosexual urges. They do seem to fetishize a stereotypical he-man masculinity. I don’t think most of them have the character, courage, or self-awareness to acknowledge that they experience homosexual yearnings.

This isn’t the place to speculate on whether manospherians are straight or gay or any other sexuality, because it doesn’t really matter to their toxic views. You don’t need to be gay to idealize certain stereotypes of “Men”, and implying that they might just be repressed just offloads the responsibility from homophobic hetero people.

EDIT: I’m also not trying to scold you or anything, just emphasizing what I’ve seen and heard from the rules and other people here.

Lea
Lea
4 years ago

He gets exhilarated by going commando?
There’s nothing as exhilarating as not wearing undies?
No wonder he tries too hard to purple up his prose. His a bland, joyless man with a bland, joyless life.

Axecalibur: Middle Name Danger
Axecalibur: Middle Name Danger
4 years ago

@Molloy
Now, if that ain’t the most adorablest thing i ever did hear 🙂

Sally
4 years ago

Isnt this shit sexual harassment? Intentionally rubing your loose boner on strangers? God damn it!

Banananana dakry: Fat, Short-Haired, and Deranged
Banananana dakry: Fat, Short-Haired, and Deranged
4 years ago

…I don’t know if it’s bad for me that I’m kind of hoping he finds out one of the downsides of commando and catches his unit in the jeans zipper.

Happened to someone I knew in college. Got infected. Was not a fun time, from all accounts. Especially when it involved the nurse having to inspect.

In his own case, I think Weidmann would have it coming, both from going sans undies and from what he does to the innocent English language. Longer words not better words all the time!

Paradoxical Intention - Leader of the Deathclaw Damsels

Imaginary Petal | August 25, 2017 at 12:54 pm
It’s so extremely revealing that these are the sorts lf things that make alleged PUAs feel all naughty and wicked.

No kidding. They’re so fucking vanilla.

[TMI WARNING]

I’ve got an exhibition kink (and I know how to do it properly, with a consenting audience and all that), and a dude stupidly grinning at me and possibly thrusting his crotch in my direction because he’s not wearing underpants and wants me to be aghast about it is just so lame. Like 50SoG lame. There’s no thrill there, it’s just a dude being a jackass, and that’s not sexy.

I go without underpants sometimes and I don’t feel the need to grimace at passerby about it. I just keep it to myself (or to myself and a consenting partner), because that’s most of the fun. Grinning awkwardly at strangers kind of ruins the secret and makes you look like a weirdo who’s harassing people at the bar.

The kinky part of that scenario for me isn’t that my junk is out there to “scandalize wilting flowers”, it’s the thrill of doing something that’s generally frowned upon in secret.

It’s not kinky to force other people to be brought into your play, ya numpties.

[/TMI WARNING]

PaganReader - Misandrist Spinster

He’s a metaphorical pig, and his penis is a literal one

That is an insult to pigs. Pigs are intelligent and clean animals.

Robert Walker-Smith
Robert Walker-Smith
4 years ago

Epitome, thanks for that excerpt. The idea of an adult describing going without underwear as something “delicious and naughty” that is signalled by a “mischievous smirk” is indeed disagreeable. It reminds me of a parody of “Playboy’s Party Jokes” I read many years ago.

Alan Robertshaw, thank you for the reference to Garth Marenghi. I had not heard of that before.

The only times I can think of when going commando is entirely appropriate are wearing a kilt and wearing nothing at all.

Violet the Vile, Possessor of an Ideologically Weaponized Vagina
Violet the Vile, Possessor of an Ideologically Weaponized Vagina
4 years ago

I’ve sometimes not worn pants when whatever I was wearing had a vpl and looked better without or it was just more comfortable or I ran out of clean pants or whatever. I can honestly say I forget within about 5 minutes, so much so that I once inadvertently flashed a street of strangers (dress, stool, big window, three margaritas, hilarious consequences). It’s not shocking. I have seen penises before and when they are not attached to someone attractive they are as interesting as the last sausage in the chip shop.

@paradoxical intention
You’re right. The word for this is “lame”

Msexceptiontotherule
Msexceptiontotherule
4 years ago

Maybe it’s just me, but the reference to “Miami den of iniquity” (or whatever the fuck it was) made it sound like he goes to ‘gentlemens clubs’ wearing only those basketball shorts kind of pants and pays however much it costs to get lap dances in the champagne room.

Dancers hate those guys who always seem to be…quick on the draw…and almost ALWAYS wear those basketball shorts sans underwear…nothing truly turns a shift down a lousy road more than some asshole developing a wet spot and having to go sanitize yourself even though it is never possible to ‘clean’ enough nor pays enough. Eerrrrr…allegedly, so I’ve heard.

All the words in a thesaurus, the badly written ‘huh-huh huh my dick and yarbles” – it seems like a contrived attempt to confess that his secret knowledge is that he’s of no interest to the young women he’s sexually harassing who likely have been socialized to avoid the drama of yelling “something something…stranger danger…” in public settings.

He’s long been in…the creeper zone…(insert twilight zone type theme music)

occasional reader
occasional reader
4 years ago

Hello.

> JS
Ah, never mind the bollocks…

> On topic
well, were PUA not supposed to take care of themselves ? That is the best way to jam a testicle if you have a zip.

Have a nice day.

The Chubby Sabertooth
The Chubby Sabertooth
4 years ago

Ewwwww
So many unpleasant mental images from this post. On a positive note, everything David posts makes, for a fascinating look into the extremely cultisth minds of these types of organizations. Plus it makes me grateful my boyfriend isn’t a festering pimple on the ass (sorry for more graphic mental images )of humanity as the people this blog fairly mocks are..

%d bloggers like this: