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Rancid pickup artist celebrates “free-balling.” You may lose your lunch

Literally the only circumstance in which I want to hear about “going commando.”

By David Futrelle

Our old friend Heartiste, the Nazoid pickup artist with the penchant for overwrought prose, has penned a short paean to the alleged joys of “going commando” — that is, not wearing underwear. It is … something.

Here’s my favorite passage, by which I mean the part of the post that nearly caused me to lose my lunch, on how much fun it is to pester women in nightclubs sans undies.

There’s nothing quite like the exhilaration of approaching and chatting up a hot chick while unbeknownst to her your half-chubbed meat sniffs around her twat trench through one precarious layer of fabric stretched to its absolute restraining limit.

Eww.

Heartiste (real name James Weidmann) apparently also likes it when his balls fall out of his shorts. At least I think that’s what he’s saying here. Heartiste is such a terrible writer it’s a bit hard to tell.

Bonus exhilaration if you’re wearing loose-fitting shorts in a Miami den of iniquity, and an insolent spheroid squeezes past a sentinel seam.

And now I’ve ruined lunch for everyone, I guess.

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Ohlmann
Ohlmann
4 years ago

A french pick up artist just released a video where he say basically “make her drink a lot. Dog’s tactic, but effective”.

That was the bonus lunch ruining.

IgnoreSandra
4 years ago

Excuse me what the fuck?

Why are men? Just WHY?

Makroth - cowboy Jacobin from Hell
Makroth - cowboy Jacobin from Hell
4 years ago

Do they ever do things for their own sake?

Egret
Egret
4 years ago

Long time listener, first time caller.

I’d’ve liked my first post to be something witty and profound- instead I’m just popping in to say “yes, my appetite has been ruined, thanks for that.”

JS
JS
4 years ago

That’s just bollocks.

Myriad
Myriad
4 years ago

@Makroth – cowboy Jacobin from Hell

I was just about to say the same thing.

There is nothing inherently wrong about going commando, but they don’t I seem to do anything for the shear comfort or joy of the thing. It always has to be pulling something on a woman. A very sad and pathetic way to live life.

Troubelle: Moonbeam Malcontent + Bard of the New Movement
Troubelle: Moonbeam Malcontent + Bard of the New Movement
4 years ago

I already had lunch…a not-too-good pizza buffet that I had a coupon for. Still eight bucks. Not really worth it.

Still, I wrote better erotic passages when I was thirteen years old.

Moggie
Moggie
4 years ago

This sounds rather adolescent. Not the sort of behaviour I’d expect from an adult.

weirwoodtreehugger: chief manatee
weirwoodtreehugger: chief manatee
4 years ago

No one can possibly be surprised that he’s one step away from becoming a run of the mill trenchcoat and nothing else wearing flasher. So lofty and superior!

IgnoreSandra
4 years ago

The only reason I didn’t lose my lunch is because I’m having trouble meeting my basic needs, IE eating. I need to do that or I’m gonna suck performing at the show tonight.

Arctic Ape
Arctic Ape
4 years ago

The exhilaration of being a closet exhibitionist.

(Ninja’ed by WWTH)

JS
JS
4 years ago
Lady Mondegreen
4 years ago

Weidmann’s soul is an empty broom closet that smells like pee.

Imaginary Petal
Imaginary Petal
4 years ago

Nut cool.

Imaginary Petal
Imaginary Petal
4 years ago

It’s so extremely revealing that these are the sorts lf things that make alleged PUAs feel all naughty and wicked.

PeeVee the (Perpetually Ignored, Invisible but Noice) Sarcastic
PeeVee the (Perpetually Ignored, Invisible but Noice) Sarcastic
4 years ago

Nut cool.

Winner.

Ooglyboggles
Ooglyboggles
4 years ago

The Aristocrats!

Weird (thumper of trumpanzees) Eddie
Weird (thumper of trumpanzees) Eddie
4 years ago

Why are men? Just WHY?

na dahlmen…

mowst… bud na dahl

JS
JS
4 years ago

@Weird Eddie
I put that in to google’s “auto-detect language” translator, and it decided it was English. English translation? Exactly the same as what you wrote.

Ha⸮?

MrsObedMarsh
MrsObedMarsh
4 years ago

@Makroth: No. They need to feel like they’re living for a higher purpose than “because I feel like it,” but because they’re too lazy and selfish to devote themselves to a genuine cause, they come up with a bunch of post-hoc rationalizations for why the lazy, selfish stuff they do is really for a higher purpose. They’re not being jerks, they’re breaking down stifling, politically correct social norms!

RosieLa
RosieLa
4 years ago

How titillating! And scintillating!
Just one more reason why I don’t like being touched. Pretty sure I’ve had dickwads do this to me before, too.

kupo
kupo
4 years ago

@Egret
Welcome!

Gussie Jives
Gussie Jives
4 years ago

I’m sure other Mammotheers have noticed in David’s previous posts… but what is it with this guy’s verbiage? He reminds me a lot of what a bad writer things a good writer writes like and just picks the most “smart” sounding word for things out of a thesaurus.

…”insolent spheroid”… the hell?

JS
JS
4 years ago

Withdraw! I possess a dictionary of synonyms and antonyms, and will persist in utilizing the same!

Natasha Whilk
Natasha Whilk
4 years ago

@JS: I think it translates to “most, but not all.” Hardly worth the effort of translation IMO.

I am weird and was more amused–not, I hasten to add, in a way that would please Mr Heartiste–than nauseated.

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