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Pickup artist blows the lid off of Valentine’s day with really, really long sentence

Filthy slut! I blame Cultural Marxism

In the midst of all the excitement yesterday, I kind of forgot to do any Valentine’s Day posts. So I’m going to make up for that with a POST-VALENTINE’S DAY 50% OFF SALE ON BELATED VALENTINE’S DAY POSTS.

First up, everyone’s favorite Naziesque pickup artist, the adult human man who actually calls himself Heartiste. Mr. H thinks it’s hilarious that some random single lady on Craigslist posted an ad in hopes of finding a date for Valentine’s Day.

After quoting her fairly innocuous message seeking a fella to “meet for coffee and just talk about life and things,” Heartiste lays into Valentine’s day itself, lamenting that the once-special day has allegedly changed from a celebration of “couples [rejoicing] in their love” into a holiday that

has had to bend to the new reality of pump and dumps, flings, the extended cock carousel ride, delayed marriage, and late in life marriage.

Then he unleashes this sentence, a doozy even by his standards.

So V Day has morphed into a convenient, plausibly deniable excuse for these future cat ladies to crassly advertise themselves in the hope they’ll get banged out by cads or showered with sexless sympathy feelz by gullible white knight betas all too willing to drop a bennie on expensive cocktails so that they can trudge homeward with full aching balls after doing their last ditch V-date duty and cheering up a studio apartment slut who’s experiencing a bout of regret and timetable disorientation in between cock hops.

Here’s a fun game: Try reading it out loud in one breath, and see how far you get!

I only made it up to “showered.”

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Handsome :Punkle Stan: Jack

Dude, that’s not how this works. That’s not how ANY of this works. Have you tried just not being a dickhead yet?

Define “dickhead”, because otherwise they may be thinking of Nice Guy.


I’m sure there’s Craiglist and shit that people of all genders outright state they want sex (invitations to all sorts of sexy parties and looking for doms/subs and whatever) but now we have a variety of dating and hookup websites and apps in which people sign up pretty much exclusively to hookup and have sex. From fetish sites to ChristianMingle, there’s a place for anyone of any taste to get some.

Personal ads for dating/sex aren’t really a thing anymore.

Handsome :Punkle Stan: Jack


Hey, I wanna thank you again but also I wanna say that it turns out no dentist in the zipcodes I tried are in their network.

Which is hilarious because, like, I said, there’s only fucking five dentists in a fifty mile radius (or maybe I didn’t) and you’d think at least one would be. But no.

And then some of the ones I called don’t do payment plans and have $200 checkups.

And one my mother suggested which was called Affordable Dentures which amazingly enough doesn’t do what I need done.

And the one that does payment plans, general dentistry and oral surgery has really low reviews but you can make appointments online so.

Have I ever mentioned how much it fucking sucks to live in the middle of nowhere and be poor because it does.

Paradoxical Intention - Mobile
Paradoxical Intention - Mobile
5 years ago

@Hambeast: Ah, okay then. :0

As for videos, I’ve actually been working on a few in my scant spare time! My roommate and I have even done some recording together. I’m hoping to post a video this Sunday going over what’s going on and what I hope will happen.

At the very least, I hope to do some more recording and work on editing videos with a new open source program I’ve downloaded.

5 years ago

Also, having seen a lot of weirdly contorted antique valentines for the last week or so, full of badly contrived puns trying hard to be clever, I have to say I find the one up top the weirdest yet. Little girls playing dress-up in their grandma’s antique underwear? Whaaaaa?

(Still not as contorted, contrived or bizarro-antique as Wiedmann’s shitty prose and “heartistic” thoughts, though.)

5 years ago

Hi everyone! It’s been awhile! Happy Valentine’s Day or happy singles day!

I really don’t understand guys who get so mangry during Valentine’s Day if you don’t want to buy stuff then don’t. Find a woman/girl who doesn’t mind paying but they get butt hurt over that too saying it’s not a woman’s place.

PI is right. You’re supposed to love your partner/spouse everyday not once a year.

Anne Lewis

5 years ago

Dental stuff….Have you looked into whether or not there is a dental school in your area? They work under the supervision of a fully trained and licensed dentist but are less expensive than it would be to see that fully trained and licensed dentist at a private dental office/practice.

I had an oral surgeon take my wisdom teeth out, the dentist who I’ve seen since my first dental visit as a child was the one who referred me to the specific oral surgeon (when I was 18-19) and to a periodontist when I needed one of those (mid-late 20’s).

My ex tried one of the other dentists at the same place mine works at but didn’t like them and of course being the woman that meant I had to figure out other options for his dental needs (in his mind, that was part of my job…he needed a lot of dental work done. By the time he was finished with the dentist I found him through the 1800-dentist, the front office staff joked that he’d paid for a full year of USC tuition for the dentist’s son.) I don’t know if he didn’t like the earlier dentist that was in the same offices as mine because he had bad experiences with dentists or what, but he should have gone back for the permanent crowns instead of expecting the temporary ones to last forever with over the counter drugstore dental cement as needed. Especially considering the root canals. I’ve only had 2 cavities in my lifetime and one crown that didn’t require a root canal, so going to the dentist isn’t a big deal to me…of course when they did the wisdom teeth removal I was under general anesthesia, the gum grafting procedures all I needed was nitrous oxide, the other stuff only local.

Spaniard in the Works
Spaniard in the Works
5 years ago

Re: Blue balls

They happen (well, the pain, not the blueness), or at least they happened to me twice or thrice, but they were more or less intentional. As in, I don’t want to relieve myself because I know there will be a better opportunity later.

Bento - Social Justice Red Mage
Bento - Social Justice Red Mage
5 years ago

I know it’s late, but reading the sentence out loud in one breath, I got to “disorientation” YAY!

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