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Pickup artist blows the lid off of Valentine’s day with really, really long sentence

Filthy slut! I blame Cultural Marxism

In the midst of all the excitement yesterday, I kind of forgot to do any Valentine’s Day posts. So I’m going to make up for that with a POST-VALENTINE’S DAY 50% OFF SALE ON BELATED VALENTINE’S DAY POSTS.

First up, everyone’s favorite Naziesque pickup artist, the adult human man who actually calls himself Heartiste. Mr. H thinks it’s hilarious that some random single lady on Craigslist posted an ad in hopes of finding a date for Valentine’s Day.

After quoting her fairly innocuous message seeking a fella to “meet for coffee and just talk about life and things,” Heartiste lays into Valentine’s day itself, lamenting that the once-special day has allegedly changed from a celebration of “couples [rejoicing] in their love” into a holiday that

has had to bend to the new reality of pump and dumps, flings, the extended cock carousel ride, delayed marriage, and late in life marriage.

Then he unleashes this sentence, a doozy even by his standards.

So V Day has morphed into a convenient, plausibly deniable excuse for these future cat ladies to crassly advertise themselves in the hope they’ll get banged out by cads or showered with sexless sympathy feelz by gullible white knight betas all too willing to drop a bennie on expensive cocktails so that they can trudge homeward with full aching balls after doing their last ditch V-date duty and cheering up a studio apartment slut who’s experiencing a bout of regret and timetable disorientation in between cock hops.

Here’s a fun game: Try reading it out loud in one breath, and see how far you get!

I only made it up to “showered.”

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lith
lith
5 years ago

@PI:

I fully support the holiday that is February 15th though, which is known as Half-Priced Chocolate Day. Happy Half-Priced Chocolate day, everyone!

And this was the point in the thread I went to the shop. Apparently my shop doesn’t celebrate this day. I was disappointed. So I bought chocolate and beer.

Scildfreja Unnýðnes
Scildfreja Unnýðnes
5 years ago

@SFHC, Troubelle, the search for “cat lord” was surprisingly fruitful. This one isn’t related, but I think David needs to borrow it for an article sometime:

http://68.media.tumblr.com/384964e5e4527a7d4fb88393b697e42d/tumblr_noo3f11bMM1rxxex2o1_500.gif

It never ceases to amaze me how people like Weidmann will attempt to make money off of a woman’s “sluttiness” and willingness to fuck, and in the same breath deride her and demean her for it.

And then turn around and insist that all those men she’s fucking are the “bad” men. Obviously. They’re the Nice Guys™, don’t’cha know?

Ain’t that part just fun? It’s absolutely ridiculous. Women want to fuck, but only want men that hate them – men who are nice to them are to be squeezed for their resources (precious, precious manganese…) Meanwhile, all men want to fuck every woman they meet, but all the nice guys get shot down – so these assholes decide to be assholes. And then they complain about women being too stuck up to have sex with them!

Why, it’s almost as if their perspective on the world is completely wrong, or something!

banged out by cads

Every time one of these jerks decides to use the term “banged out”, I think of a blacksmith sinking and planishing a woman’s vagina, like the world’s worst gynecological exam. These labia were forged in the fires of Mt. Doom!

So, a 1950s dance party where everyone leaves their penes (if they have em) out thru their zipper the whole time. My brain won’t let me read/imagine this any other way

That’s got to be the floppiest sock hop I’ve ever seen.

Wow, I’m in a ridiculous mood today.

dlouwe
dlouwe
5 years ago

These labia were forged in the fires of Mt. Doom!

That would look awesome on a cross stitch.

mywall
mywall
5 years ago

So, a 1950s dance party where everyone leaves their penes (if they have em) out thru their zipper the whole time. My brain won’t let me read/imagine this any other way

This inspired me to poetry:

Flesh, zip and movement,
Not a good plan in theory,
Reality hurts.

I didn’t say anything about good poetry.

Fishy Goat
Fishy Goat
5 years ago

@Scildfreja Unnýðnes Stop making me ‘corpse’ at work! 😀

Makroth - Agent of the Great Degeneracy
Makroth - Agent of the Great Degeneracy
5 years ago
Axecalibur: Middle Name Danger
Axecalibur: Middle Name Danger
5 years ago

@mywall
Come on, baby. Let’s do The Twist *cringe*

weirwoodtreehugger: chief manatee

How do you spend $100 on cocktails? I go to restaurants that serve $10- $12 martinis from time to time. They’re huge and full of booze. I have a high tolerance and can only drink two of those in a sitting. Even two people should not rack up that big a bill on just drinks.

eli
eli
5 years ago

TIL: Having a studio apartment makes you a slut.

Yeah, that studio apartment leapt out at me, too. I guess having the bed right out there in the middle of everything like anyone uses a bed for anything other than cock hopping. So slutty.

And I’m one of those weird people who doesn’t really care for chocolate or sugary sweets, so Valentine’s Day has always been uncomfortable for me. Why do so many people keep pushing after, ‘no, thanks’?

weirwoodtreehugger: chief manatee

I’ll take your chocolates, Eli!

In fact, I’m going to Godiva after work to check for sale chocolate. I think that’s probably misandry and slutitude even though I’m paying with my own money. I’ll probably get some for my grandmother too. She just sluttily sits around reading mysteries and breathing from an oxygen tank. Oh, the horrors of February 14th!

Scildfreja Unnýðnes
Scildfreja Unnýðnes
5 years ago

How do you spend $100 on cocktails? I go to restaurants that serve $10- $12 martinis from time to time. They’re huge and full of booze. I have a high tolerance and can only drink two of those in a sitting. Even two people should not rack up that big a bill on just drinks.

Didn’t you know, @WWTH? All women only go to the high class poshy-posh New York Fifth Street clüb where a glass of water is $15. No other women exist!

And all men are beta mangina cucks who go there to drop hundos on floozies that won’t put out, the tramps.

Except the hero, of course. he goes to the clüb with his stubbly unshaved face and his tattered jeans and leather jacket, and he sneers at the floozies, and they all fall over themselves for this mysterious stranger.

I’m not sure what happens after that, that’s when I fell asleep in the theatre, because jeeby creeby is this movie bad. Fifty Shades of Bleagh.

eli
eli
5 years ago

I’ll take your chocolates, Eli!

Perfect solution! 🙂

Paradoxical Intention: Resident Cheeseburger Slut

weirwoodtreehugger: chief manatee | February 15, 2017 at 2:06 pm
How do you spend $100 on cocktails? I go to restaurants that serve $10- $12 martinis from time to time. They’re huge and full of booze. I have a high tolerance and can only drink two of those in a sitting. Even two people should not rack up that big a bill on just drinks.

Maybe our Hero, The Beta Mangina, isn’t spending all this money on ONE woman, but rather is going above and beyond the Call of Katie, and is blowing money on multiple money-sucking vaginas, all in the vain hope that someday, one of them might give him (and his poor, neglected peen) a taste of that butter goo.

…I can’t keep doing this, I’m sorry (not sorry).

Dalillama : Shepherd of Demonic Crocodiles.
Dalillama : Shepherd of Demonic Crocodiles.
5 years ago

@Axe, mywall

That’s what button flies are for, sillies.

bekabot
5 years ago

I know this ground has already been covered, but…

gullible white knight betas all too willing to drop a bennie on expensive cocktails so that they can trudge homeward

(etc., etc.)

1. You do realize this was an advertisement for a date for coffee, right? And you do realize that coffee is not booze? And you do realize that coffee has an effect somewhat opposite to the effect booze has, and that everybody knows it? And you do realize that a date like this would naturally be set in a coffeeshop — and that coffeeshops are among the most asexual environments known to humankind, fast-food restaurants aside? So, you do realize that this is a very tentative move on this woman’s part (and that it was meant to be tentative from the start)? Right?

2. And you do realize that the woman, having been the one who placed the ad, would, in this situation, most likely be the person paying for the coffee, and for any of the incidental snacks? Not so?

Glad I could clear that up…

(I know, I know. I’m still naive, in certain ways. I still expect facts to matter.)

(((VioletBeauregarde))): Crooked Nasty Social Justice Necromancer
(((VioletBeauregarde))): Crooked Nasty Social Justice Necromancer
5 years ago

If she’s such a slut, why is he trudging home with full balls?

Right?! It’s like calling someone a drunk because they won’t try your craft beer–I know, imperfect analogy but I hope it serves.

Scildfreja Unnýðnes
Scildfreja Unnýðnes
5 years ago

Maybe our Hero, The Beta Mangina, isn’t spending all this money on ONE woman, but rather is going above and beyond the Call of Katie, and is blowing money on multiple money-sucking vaginas, all in the vain hope that someday, one of them might give him (and his poor, neglected peen) a taste of that butter goo.

They speak of a legend…

the hero that Katie foretold…

…the One Man Cock Carousel!

[Coming Summer 2017]

numerobis
numerobis
5 years ago

My sweetheart misses the cats. So she’s a *past* cat-lady with a studio apartment.

I’m a cat lord, seven years and counting. One of them is right behind me, sleeping, like she does when I’m working at home. I don’t know where the other one is, probably just sleeping behind the fridge where it’s warm and safe.

I did *not* get my sweetheart (nor my sweet kitties) chocolates and flowers for Valentine’s. Instead, I told my business partner that I was moving, and to prepare to transition me out of the business. Scary.

Hambeast (fan of diversity)
Hambeast (fan of diversity)
5 years ago

Paradoxy said

Nevermind that she explicitly stated in her ad that she just wanted coffee and a chat. Nowhere in her ad did she say she wanted sex.

Do people (okay, female-identifying people) do that a lot? I mean, outside of sites that are just for hooking up.

That’s something I would never mention in an ad; I’d want to size the other person up for suitability, compatibility, and willingness before making that decision. Besides, even before I ever found this place, I knew that there are Nice Guys (TM) who would take it as a promise and not a possibility.

Alytron
Alytron
5 years ago
numerobis
numerobis
5 years ago

As for sore balls, from Blue Ball to Intercourse is only a quarter-hour or so, and Paradise follows shortly after:
https://www.google.ca/maps/dir/Blue+Ball,+Pennsylvania,+USA/Intercourse,+Pennsylvania,+USA/Paradise,+PA,+United+States

I’ve never felt any soreness in the balls from *not* ejaculating. Too frequent ejaculation brings on temporary soreness. It’s not something men typically talk about honestly, so I don’t know if mileage varies.

Perhaps the reason I never get the sore single balls is that even if I’m celibate for whatever reason, either masturbation or wet dreams will put an end to dry runs. One of those I don’t even really have to be in the mood.

JS
JS
5 years ago

These particular (PUA) men are definitely not talking honestly about ball soreness. One of the things sex ed classes really need to mention, “blue balls” as used by immature teenagers and other immature people, is not a real problem, nor does it need to be “helped” by immediate sex.

It’s my firm (ha) belief that “sore blue balls” is code for “desperately horny for sex”.

dlouwe
dlouwe
5 years ago

I can definitively say that blueballs (specifically – getting sore balls from getting aroused and not subsequently having an orgasm) is entirely bogus. There’s many ways to get sore balls, and maybe some of them have at some points coincided with the blueballs “circumstance”, but it’s really just not a thing.

Some Guy
Some Guy
5 years ago

I’m going to assume that whenever he says “V Day” he actually means “Vox Day”

Axecalibur: Middle Name Danger
Axecalibur: Middle Name Danger
5 years ago

@Dali

That’s what button flies are for, sillies

comment image

@Paradoxy
Ya know he’s a beta, cos he actually tastes the goo

I’ll see myself out

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