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Star Wars Fans Possibly Really Really Obsessed With Breasts

Apparent;ly this Jedi mind trick works all too well
Apparent;ly this Jedi mind trick works all too well

Ok, so I’m not exactly the most dedicated Star Wars fan out there. I mean, yeah, I’ve seen most of the films, and I might possibly have owned a plastic light saber at one point, but now I’m beginning to wonder if I ever really understood Star Wars at all.

For example, I had no idea about the plants with boobs.

Last night, you see, I ran across a link to the Wookiepedia — the Wikipedia for all things Star Warsy. Specifically, it was a link to the Wookiepedia page on “Breast.” Not breasts, just Breast, though it turns out that there are up to six of them. But I’m getting ahead of myself here.

The Wookipedia page on Breast starts off with a brief yet still baffling overview:

Breasts were the mammary glands of mammalian species and some reptomammals, and were normally a distinguishing feature of the female of the species. Males did have breasts, but they were far less developed than their female counterparts due to the sexual dimorphism.

Reptomammals!? And what’s with the past tense? Breasts “were?” I’m pretty sure that breasts still are.

Every sentence in the “Breast” entry raises more questions than it answers. In the “Biological role” section, the Wookipedians explain that

In some cultures, sentient females nursed their own young. This was true of both primitive planetary societies like Dathomir, where the warrior-women of the Singing Mountain Clan would feed their children even during solemn councils of war,[1] and high-tech interstellar civilization.

What the hell is a Dathomir, and why are its Mountain Clans singing? How on earth, sorry, Dathomir, do we know that these singing Mountain-warrior clanswomen are breastfeeding at the war councils? In the Star Wars movies I’ve seen there wasn’t any breastfeeding. (Nor was there a Dathomir. but never mind.) Are there like a dozen secret Star Wars movies out there I haven’t seen that focus mostly on breastfeeding?

Even Tenel Ka Djo, Queen Mother of the Hapes Consortium, nursed her daughter Allana herself.[4]

You guys are just making all this shit up, right?

Alternative techniques of feeding infants did exist, as the TDL nanny droid could store up to two liters of milk internally.[5]

Ok, even if TDL nanny droids are a real thing in some expanded Star Wars universe, why do you know the specific amount of milk they can store internally?

Other sentient species retained strong breastfeeding traditions as well: female Wookiees had six breasts, which they used to nurse their litters of cubs.[6] Askajian females also had six breasts,[7] while Gran females had three.[8]

HOW IS IT THAT YOU CAN FOOTNOTE ALL OF THIS. WHY ARE THERE DOCUMENTS THAT SPECIFY THE NUMBERS OF BOOBS THAT IMAGINARY STAR WARS ALIENS HAVE. WHY DO THOSE DOCUMENTS EXIST.

And then there’s a weirdly long and detailed discussion of the breasts of imaginary alien males. From it we learn that Anakin Skywalker — you know, the future Darth Vader — liked showing off his man boobs (not to be confused with the former name of this blog).

As male individuals were not biologically meant to nurse their offsprings, they sported much smaller breasts and produced no milk. Mandalore the Lesser (then a gladiator),[9] Aron Peacebringer (a planetary leader)[10], and Anakin Skywalker (in certain circumstances, such as on Nelvaan) would freely exhibit them.

So fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to dudes taking off their shirts.

Also, whoever came up with the name “Aron Peacebringer,” fire yourself. I mean, what the hell, that is some seriously low effort work on your part.

Some males, such as Anakin Skywalker[16] and Corran Horn would also sleep barechested for comfort, though it should be noted that Horn undressed completely to sleep as opposed to simply going barechested.[17]

Damn, whoever wrote this section is perhaps a little too interested in figuring out when Anakin Skywalker goes shirtless.

Onward. In the “Cultural significance” section we learn, among other things, that

Female patients in bacta tanks could have their breasts covered,[21] but in some cases they chose not to.[22] Leia Organa seemed unperturbed by the sight of Shen breastfeeding in public on Dathomir [1] 

I don’t know who Shen is or what bacta tanks are, and I’m sort of thinking that I’m better off for not knowing.

We are also provided with this handy graphic:

starwardsboobs

And then we arrive at the section devoted to “Non-mammals with breasts,” and that’s when things get really weird.

First we learn that “[a] number of females belonging to non-mammalian species were known to have had breasts.”

And then we get to the shape-shifting, boob-having plants.

T’ra Saa, who was a shape-shifting Neti—a sentient species of plants— had breasts in her pseudo-Human form.[27]

In case you have trouble picturing a sentient plant with huge knockers, the Wookipedians provide a helpful illustration.

treeboob2

Apparently, there’s nothing in the Star Wars universe that can’t have boobs. Humans, wookies, robots, lizards, houseplants — you name it, and whoever is involved with that little facet of the extended Star Wars universe has probably put boobs on it, anywhere from two to six of them.

Actually, that’s not completely true. In the section of “Breast” devoted to developments  “Behind the scenes,” we learn that

During the development of Star Wars Galaxies, the team worked with Lucasfilm to determine the female Mon Calamari’s physiology. Because Mon Calamari were not mammals, early concepts showing Mon Calamari with breasts were eventually rejected.[29]

Congratulations, Star Wars Galaxies creators! I award you the first annual We Hunted the Mammoth Award for Restraint in Putting Boobs on Things.

H/T — Zoe Quinn on the Tweeter.

EDIT: I figured out where I found the link to the page, and added a blurry picture of a tree with boobs.

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banned@4chan.org
banned@4chan.org
6 years ago

The impression I’m getting from this essay is that no manospherians have said anything unusually bad today.

Pandapool -- The Species that Endangers YOU (aka Jackie; currently using they/their, he/his pronouns)
Pandapool -- The Species that Endangers YOU (aka Jackie; currently using they/their, he/his pronouns)
6 years ago

Everyone arguing that Wookieepedia has tons of detail on all topics, please note that it has no article on penises.

I’m also guessing there’s no article on vaginas or any sort of actual genitalia, either. Maybe next April’s Fools.

mockingbird
mockingbird
6 years ago

@Monkoto – It was tickling the back of my mind, so I looked it up.

I was wrong. It was Bradbury – “A Matter of Taste”. The short story can be found in The Cat’s Pajamas.

mockingbird
mockingbird
6 years ago

I’m also guessing there’s no article on vaginas or any sort of actual genitalia, either.

I’m honestly a little surprised that there’s not.

It should become an annual April Fool’s thing – they can call it “in-depth entries about stuff that we’re totally too serious for but actually might be useful to some role players”.

guy
guy
6 years ago

Actual genitalia of either gender tends to bring an adult-only rating, which is not something Star Wars tends to seek. So there’s no sources.

The most recent april fools joke was apparently Luuuke Skywalker, a joke about Zahn’s bad clone naming convention that actually did give us Luuke Skywalker. It’s in the Thrawn Trilogy, which is much better than the naming convention. It’s also where Coruscant got its name; previous works just called the capital planet Imperial Center.

Jurgan
6 years ago

There are a TON of Star Wars books. Most of them are now officially non-canon, because most of them were not very good as well as contradictory (Dathomir was from Courtship of Princess Leia, which I kind of liked). Also, why is it all in the past tense? Because all this happened “A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away.” Yeah, it’s very silly.

Saphira
Saphira
6 years ago

It’s Wookiepedia. Things like this are normal because of the amount of detail the die hard fans go into. I wouldn’t be surprised to find an extremely long article on the pre-mating rituals of some alien species seen on screen for three seconds in The Empire Strikes Back. Not because the authors of such a piece constantly have sex on the mind, but because they feel it adds to the expanded universe as a whole. Those who are truly obsessed with their chosen sci fi franchise don’t stop to consider if it really is in good taste to talk about boobs or other such things.

Nequam
Nequam
6 years ago

@Fruitloopsie: Ah, Eiken. That anime is… let’s just say special and leave it at that.

As for the main article: would folks have been as distressed if David had hinted in the title that this was less an MRA thing and more a “Really, Wookiepedia? This is goofy”?

Jarnsaxa
Jarnsaxa
6 years ago

There should *definitely* be an article on penises. Are they ever mentioned in the EU, does anyone know? Or Legends or whatever it’s called.

I rarely RPed as anyone with a penis, and the subject never ahahaha, came up, so I can’t say I noticed the omission. 🙂

This article has prompted me to get a nursing mother character in my D&D game, so I suppose there is that. It honestly never occurred to me before this. (I am not currently running or participating in any Star Wars games, alas, but my partner keeps making noises about wanting to run one, so…)

dlouwe
dlouwe
6 years ago

@Nequam

I mostly would have been happier if it had contained an attempt at commentary on the issue, and maybe didn’t lean so hard on the “Bacta?? Dathonir??? That’s not my Star Wars!” shtick as much. (Maybe just me, but I find faux cluelessness to be really irritating)

Simply pointing out that the EU is silly and that SW nerds are hyper-detailed and that science fiction uses boobs as a lazy short-hand for “female” doesn’t really mean anything. It feels like it’s taking for granted that the audience will understand and discuss the underlying sexism without actually pointing it out.

Like, I don’t want to harp on the issue because it’s really not that big a deal. It’s just a really stark contrast to the generally very high quality of David’s posts.

(Full disclosure, I have really enjoyed a small number of the EU novels, so I’m sure there’s at least a small amount of defensiveness at work too)

Jarnsaxa
Jarnsaxa
6 years ago

I wouldn’t say I was distressed. I was surprised, though. Usually David reserves this sort of odium for something that’s a little more odious.

A lot of it read like “Ahaha, people who like Star Wars are nerrrrrrds! NERRRRRRRDS! Laugh at them for they are losers!” And it didn’t sound like he knew about the EU/Legends, which is where a lot of the information comes from.

I don’t mind being laughed at a bit, though, and I am a really huge nerd (though my Star Wars knowledge is limited to the movies and 2 games), but it seemed a little labored in places. For example, why would it be bad or weird to talk about nursing moms in a scifi future? People still get upset in America when women nurse in public; it’s good to see it shown in a scifi ‘verse as a real thing that people do, no big deal.

In other news I was actually happy about the bacta tank info. Most of my characters wouldn’t’ve wanted their chests floating about in the tank for all to see. It’s actually a shame there isn’t more information on the subject–maybe some SW cultures are more like the ancient Egyptians and bare breasts wouldn’t’ve been a big deal to them.

weirwoodtreehugger
6 years ago

I’m just ready to mock some non SW related ridiculousness. Besides the year end recaps, it’s been all manosphere reactions to SW all the time lately. Of course, it’s David’s blog and he can write about what he wants to write about, but I’ll be happy when this blows over and we get a new topic.

Michael Lindsay
6 years ago

So that’s why Disney ditched the “expanded” universe, huh?

authorialAlchemy
authorialAlchemy
6 years ago

Is this all you could find today, David? This article is pretty weaksauce. :U

Although it reminds me of how ridiculous and boring the Non-Mammal Mammaries trope is. You can tell if a character is female if she doesn’t have boobs.

Actually, especially with alien species that have very different sexual dimorphism.

I read this story by Octavia E. Butler (I think it was called Bloodchild) last year about a species where the females are these big centipede creatures that live for a long time and the males are a lot smaller, savage, and short lived. I would like to see more like that.

guy
guy
6 years ago

The EU has less detail than you might think from the article; if you look at the citations they’re from all over the place and mostly relatively obscure. The nanny droid number comes from one of the various technical reference manuals that have full-page descriptions for over a hundred droids or starships. The references to major books (aside from the Courtship of Princess Leia, which I haven’t read but does involve attending a Singing Mountain Clan war council) are mostly from minor references to major female characters taking care of their children.

Carayak
Carayak
6 years ago

I don’t really understand why this needed to be an article. I’m not even a Star Wars fan, but I can still think of situations where I would find it useful to know that female Wookies have six breasts.

Also, the Expanded Universe stuff can sound pretty silly, but when you proudly display your ignorance of who Shen is, that really does just come off as picking on people for being interested in-depth in subjects you care about less, especially when you proceed to let “Mon Calamari”, a race that produced one of the more well-remembered background characters in the films, slide by without comment.

nparker
nparker
6 years ago

David, I get it, but it was still, in my opinion, a rather meanspirited and, dare I say it, a little oversensitive, article.

I agree with dlouwe above when they said that it comes across as a bit of a ‘but that’s not my Star Wars’ kind of thing. Actually, I think dlouwe sums it up very well. And no, I don’t believe that the mere unnecessary inclusion of breasts is necessarily sexist, or more so than everyone else living in our societies. The article is very much an overreach.

occasional reader
occasional reader
6 years ago

Hello.

Well, in a not so far galaxy, even mouse carpet can have breasts, so, well…
And speaking about being a bit to precise with this kind of features brings to my mind the famous TTRPG called F.A.T.A.L. …

Have a nice day.

Ayy Lmao
Ayy Lmao
6 years ago

@occasional reader

From a review of FATAL:

“So, basically, saying that this game should be burned is an insult to fire.”

This makes want to see for myself just how bad this game is xD

On the other hand, 900-page manual…

mockingbird
mockingbird
6 years ago

I get why David read it that way, but my reaction is more:

¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Nerds be Nerdin’ ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

And I say that with respect and affection.

And that isn’t meant to hand waive misogyny in Nerdom and Geekdom, but to acknowledge that Nerds and Geeks will hyper focus and get down to the micro-details with their Thing(s) or Field(s).

Some of the sources and accompanying artwork might be problematic, but so is, like, almost all popular culture if you want to get down to the nitty gritty.
It’s the water we swim in. Acknowledge it and try to work through it, but belaboring something that doesn’t rise above the general background noise doesn’t seem worthwhile.

As some of the posters on this thread have illustrated, the data in even Teh Boobiehs entry have potential utility for RPGers and cosplayers.

EJ (The Other One)
EJ (The Other One)
6 years ago

@Ayy LMAO:

Don’t. Seriously, don’t. FATAL is far worse than you can possibly imagine.

Some years ago I ran a sponsored FATAL chargen at a con. For those who aren’t RPGers, this means that people paid money for the chance to be walked through the process of creating a character. A lot of people had heard stories about FATAL being bad, and thus were drawn in with enthusiasm and the expectation of hilarity.

I want you to picture the opening scene of Saving Private Ryan in your mind as I explain what happened next.

These fresh, jubilant young naives went from enthusiasm to shock as the terribad hit them and they realised that this isn’t comedy. They managed the occasion dutiful chortle as they encountered some of the weird parts (maximum anal circumference, for example) but once they realised that they had to do maths in order to calculate these values, the joke had died down entirely. It isn’t nice maths, either. I’m a physicist and this stuff horrifies me; I’ve seen veteran engineers and accountants throw up their hands in disgust. Most people panicked, and quite a few just walked off at this stage. Others remained out of a sense of grim duty; they were the lucky ones who got to see what the class system is like. A few even made it to the end, many of whom wanted to commit war crimes on the person of Byron Hall.

This was just character generation. I can’t tell any stories about what it’s like to play. Apparently the system itself is broken beyond all recognition and returns the same results as a coin flip but requires four dice rolls and multiple stages of calculation to do so.

This is some Lovecraftian stuff right here. I realise that in Lovecraftian stories the bright enthusiastic young explorers never heed the warnings of the shaken veterans, but please: it isn’t big, it isn’t clever, it isn’t even funny. It’s just bad.

occasional reader
occasional reader
6 years ago

> Ayy Lmao

Yes, let say that it is famous for being infamous.
I wonder if someone – bare the author – really read the complete and unique volume of this… game.
It could have been a bad parody, but alas, the author is said to be adamant on the fact that it is a very serious (fumbled attempt of) game, that his statistician background had allowed him to establish this hardcore (read “heavy and thick”) realistic (read “in his own reality point of view”) set of rules, and so on.

So i do not recommend reading if you are not sure of your SAN check…

EJ (The Other One)
EJ (The Other One)
6 years ago

@occasional reader:
It’s not a parody at all. Byron Hall is a white supremacist and misogynist, and is a good example of the high standards of historical and mathematical scholarly excellence that those terms imply.

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