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Star Wars Fans Possibly Really Really Obsessed With Breasts

Apparent;ly this Jedi mind trick works all too well
Apparent;ly this Jedi mind trick works all too well

Ok, so I’m not exactly the most dedicated Star Wars fan out there. I mean, yeah, I’ve seen most of the films, and I might possibly have owned a plastic light saber at one point, but now I’m beginning to wonder if I ever really understood Star Wars at all.

For example, I had no idea about the plants with boobs.

Last night, you see, I ran across a link to the Wookiepedia — the Wikipedia for all things Star Warsy. Specifically, it was a link to the Wookiepedia page on “Breast.” Not breasts, just Breast, though it turns out that there are up to six of them. But I’m getting ahead of myself here.

The Wookipedia page on Breast starts off with a brief yet still baffling overview:

Breasts were the mammary glands of mammalian species and some reptomammals, and were normally a distinguishing feature of the female of the species. Males did have breasts, but they were far less developed than their female counterparts due to the sexual dimorphism.

Reptomammals!? And what’s with the past tense? Breasts “were?” I’m pretty sure that breasts still are.

Every sentence in the “Breast” entry raises more questions than it answers. In the “Biological role” section, the Wookipedians explain that

In some cultures, sentient females nursed their own young. This was true of both primitive planetary societies like Dathomir, where the warrior-women of the Singing Mountain Clan would feed their children even during solemn councils of war,[1] and high-tech interstellar civilization.

What the hell is a Dathomir, and why are its Mountain Clans singing? How on earth, sorry, Dathomir, do we know that these singing Mountain-warrior clanswomen are breastfeeding at the war councils? In the Star Wars movies I’ve seen there wasn’t any breastfeeding. (Nor was there a Dathomir. but never mind.) Are there like a dozen secret Star Wars movies out there I haven’t seen that focus mostly on breastfeeding?

Even Tenel Ka Djo, Queen Mother of the Hapes Consortium, nursed her daughter Allana herself.[4]

You guys are just making all this shit up, right?

Alternative techniques of feeding infants did exist, as the TDL nanny droid could store up to two liters of milk internally.[5]

Ok, even if TDL nanny droids are a real thing in some expanded Star Wars universe, why do you know the specific amount of milk they can store internally?

Other sentient species retained strong breastfeeding traditions as well: female Wookiees had six breasts, which they used to nurse their litters of cubs.[6] Askajian females also had six breasts,[7] while Gran females had three.[8]

HOW IS IT THAT YOU CAN FOOTNOTE ALL OF THIS. WHY ARE THERE DOCUMENTS THAT SPECIFY THE NUMBERS OF BOOBS THAT IMAGINARY STAR WARS ALIENS HAVE. WHY DO THOSE DOCUMENTS EXIST.

And then there’s a weirdly long and detailed discussion of the breasts of imaginary alien males. From it we learn that Anakin Skywalker — you know, the future Darth Vader — liked showing off his man boobs (not to be confused with the former name of this blog).

As male individuals were not biologically meant to nurse their offsprings, they sported much smaller breasts and produced no milk. Mandalore the Lesser (then a gladiator),[9] Aron Peacebringer (a planetary leader)[10], and Anakin Skywalker (in certain circumstances, such as on Nelvaan) would freely exhibit them.

So fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to dudes taking off their shirts.

Also, whoever came up with the name “Aron Peacebringer,” fire yourself. I mean, what the hell, that is some seriously low effort work on your part.

Some males, such as Anakin Skywalker[16] and Corran Horn would also sleep barechested for comfort, though it should be noted that Horn undressed completely to sleep as opposed to simply going barechested.[17]

Damn, whoever wrote this section is perhaps a little too interested in figuring out when Anakin Skywalker goes shirtless.

Onward. In the “Cultural significance” section we learn, among other things, that

Female patients in bacta tanks could have their breasts covered,[21] but in some cases they chose not to.[22] Leia Organa seemed unperturbed by the sight of Shen breastfeeding in public on Dathomir [1] 

I don’t know who Shen is or what bacta tanks are, and I’m sort of thinking that I’m better off for not knowing.

We are also provided with this handy graphic:

starwardsboobs

And then we arrive at the section devoted to “Non-mammals with breasts,” and that’s when things get really weird.

First we learn that “[a] number of females belonging to non-mammalian species were known to have had breasts.”

And then we get to the shape-shifting, boob-having plants.

T’ra Saa, who was a shape-shifting Neti—a sentient species of plants— had breasts in her pseudo-Human form.[27]

In case you have trouble picturing a sentient plant with huge knockers, the Wookipedians provide a helpful illustration.

treeboob2

Apparently, there’s nothing in the Star Wars universe that can’t have boobs. Humans, wookies, robots, lizards, houseplants — you name it, and whoever is involved with that little facet of the extended Star Wars universe has probably put boobs on it, anywhere from two to six of them.

Actually, that’s not completely true. In the section of “Breast” devoted to developments  “Behind the scenes,” we learn that

During the development of Star Wars Galaxies, the team worked with Lucasfilm to determine the female Mon Calamari’s physiology. Because Mon Calamari were not mammals, early concepts showing Mon Calamari with breasts were eventually rejected.[29]

Congratulations, Star Wars Galaxies creators! I award you the first annual We Hunted the Mammoth Award for Restraint in Putting Boobs on Things.

H/T — Zoe Quinn on the Tweeter.

EDIT: I figured out where I found the link to the page, and added a blurry picture of a tree with boobs.

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Luzbelitx
6 years ago

Ha! Necroninja’d!

Alan Robertshaw
6 years ago

Necroninja would be a great title for a film. I’ll have to get in there and write a screenplay. Before the sharks do.

Luzbelitx
6 years ago

@Alan

Never trust a shark. EVER.

http://freethoughtblogs.com/entequilaesverdad/files/2014/11/jawsethics.jpg

@Falconer

Nice to see you join the Necrofest! I don’t mind you going on 😀

Falconer
6 years ago

Yeah, I was all kind of meh about the actual thread but now I’m just having fun.

guy
guy
6 years ago

It mostly reflects a lack of imagination and/or budget. It doesn’t really make sense for aliens to have them unless they nurse their young (though being as they are aliens, there’s no particular reason they can’t have scales and also nurse) and even most mammals don’t have them set up like humans do. Aliens could have different sexual dimorphism or none at all, so generally it means that either the designer just wants fanservice (especially likely if only the females closely resemble humans), they couldn’t think of anything more interesting, or it’s not in the budget. The Dr. Who aliens probably have breasts because they’re played by women in costumes. Nonvisual media does not have the budget issue.

The budget issue sometimes comes with a strong dose of “They could find the money if they thought it was important”, e.g. Assassin’s Creed: Unity. Adding a female option for multiplayer avatars would have cost more than zero dollars, but not a significant portion of the overall budget. There’s a reason the Super Smash Brothers intro trailer for Robin mocked them.

mockingbird
mockingbird
6 years ago

I like Peter Capaldi as the Doctor. He’s not my favourite but I can see why he is for some people. I like Peter Capaldi as the Doctor. He’s not my favourite but I can see why he is for some people.

It’s the eyebrows.

http://49.media.tumblr.com/a75f53e801888050c7c02add37de42cf/tumblr_neljdplv3P1tu80cno1_400.gif

Extremely divisive issue.

Hu's On First
Hu's On First
6 years ago

Speaking of breasts, did you read about this New Hampshire state legislator who ridiculed his female colleague’s nipples (!) on Facebook? Or the other NH legislator who thinks that if women are allowed to show their breasts, then men should be allowed to grab them?

Between those guys and Maine Gov. Paul LePage, it seems like Donald Trump now has a lot of competition for, well, the Trumpiest politician in America.

Dr. Rage
Dr. Rage
6 years ago

Since chatter is still happening, I feel like I should point out the hilarity of the talk page for that article: http://starwars.wikia.com/wiki/Talk:Breast

See, the entire subsection about Anakin’s fantastic pecs is only there for “equality” because before people said it was unfair to have an article about Breasts– sorry, “Breast”– that solely talked about women/tree-women. Clearly, the solution was to half-ass something about male torsos too. Now sexism is solved!

Also people were bothered by the soft-porn Aayla Secura (that blue tentacle-headed alien) image at the top of the page and that apparently caused several shit storms because people felt the need to defend its existence. Now there’s not one but TWO defensive headers at the top of the talk page about it!

“36-to-1 says the main image stays.

The single most one-sided consensus track discussion in Wookieepedia history has decided that the main image will not be changed.

Changing it unilaterally will be treated as vandalism and you will be blocked.

Whining about it will be treated as disruptive behavior and you will be blocked.

It is highly unlikely that you will ever defeat this decision under our consensus and voting eligibility policies.

There are worse things to worry about on the Internet.

GET. OVER. IT. ”

“Round 2: It’s called “art,” children.

Executive review by Wikia has decided in favor of Wookieepedia consensus and allowed the main image to stay.

There is no one left to whine to.

Please stop wasting everyone’s time.”

So now being bothered by some weird pinup on the Breast page is treated as a serious crime you might get banned for, you whiner!

I also love the Appearance section in the main article. Without it, how would we recall such important moments, such as:
“Star Wars: Episode IV A New Hope (First appearance)”
“The Courtship of Princess Leia (First identified as Breast)”
and all the times Breasts were mentioned only!

Makroth
Makroth
6 years ago

This article is, to me, less creepy and mysoginistic and more obsessive. There’s also articles on brains, eyes and bones. Though none are as big as the breasts article. I’m guessing the wiki covers almost everything.

http://starwars.wikia.com/wiki/Brain

http://starwars.wikia.com/wiki/Eye

http://starwars.wikia.com/wiki/Bone

Makroth
Makroth
6 years ago
Flawless Glory of Silence
Flawless Glory of Silence
3 years ago

@Occasional:

The RPGnet review.

The rebuttal by the creator, which should tell you all you need to know.

RPGnet’s negative review of FATAL is ironic, since the site’s moderators have since come out as 100% in favor of defending sex pests and child rapists. #AbuseIsNotAGame

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