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Star Wars Fans Possibly Really Really Obsessed With Breasts

Apparent;ly this Jedi mind trick works all too well
Apparent;ly this Jedi mind trick works all too well

Ok, so I’m not exactly the most dedicated Star Wars fan out there. I mean, yeah, I’ve seen most of the films, and I might possibly have owned a plastic light saber at one point, but now I’m beginning to wonder if I ever really understood Star Wars at all.

For example, I had no idea about the plants with boobs.

Last night, you see, I ran across a link to the Wookiepedia — the Wikipedia for all things Star Warsy. Specifically, it was a link to the Wookiepedia page on “Breast.” Not breasts, just Breast, though it turns out that there are up to six of them. But I’m getting ahead of myself here.

The Wookipedia page on Breast starts off with a brief yet still baffling overview:

Breasts were the mammary glands of mammalian species and some reptomammals, and were normally a distinguishing feature of the female of the species. Males did have breasts, but they were far less developed than their female counterparts due to the sexual dimorphism.

Reptomammals!? And what’s with the past tense? Breasts “were?” I’m pretty sure that breasts still are.

Every sentence in the “Breast” entry raises more questions than it answers. In the “Biological role” section, the Wookipedians explain that

In some cultures, sentient females nursed their own young. This was true of both primitive planetary societies like Dathomir, where the warrior-women of the Singing Mountain Clan would feed their children even during solemn councils of war,[1] and high-tech interstellar civilization.

What the hell is a Dathomir, and why are its Mountain Clans singing? How on earth, sorry, Dathomir, do we know that these singing Mountain-warrior clanswomen are breastfeeding at the war councils? In the Star Wars movies I’ve seen there wasn’t any breastfeeding. (Nor was there a Dathomir. but never mind.) Are there like a dozen secret Star Wars movies out there I haven’t seen that focus mostly on breastfeeding?

Even Tenel Ka Djo, Queen Mother of the Hapes Consortium, nursed her daughter Allana herself.[4]

You guys are just making all this shit up, right?

Alternative techniques of feeding infants did exist, as the TDL nanny droid could store up to two liters of milk internally.[5]

Ok, even if TDL nanny droids are a real thing in some expanded Star Wars universe, why do you know the specific amount of milk they can store internally?

Other sentient species retained strong breastfeeding traditions as well: female Wookiees had six breasts, which they used to nurse their litters of cubs.[6] Askajian females also had six breasts,[7] while Gran females had three.[8]

HOW IS IT THAT YOU CAN FOOTNOTE ALL OF THIS. WHY ARE THERE DOCUMENTS THAT SPECIFY THE NUMBERS OF BOOBS THAT IMAGINARY STAR WARS ALIENS HAVE. WHY DO THOSE DOCUMENTS EXIST.

And then there’s a weirdly long and detailed discussion of the breasts of imaginary alien males. From it we learn that Anakin Skywalker — you know, the future Darth Vader — liked showing off his man boobs (not to be confused with the former name of this blog).

As male individuals were not biologically meant to nurse their offsprings, they sported much smaller breasts and produced no milk. Mandalore the Lesser (then a gladiator),[9] Aron Peacebringer (a planetary leader)[10], and Anakin Skywalker (in certain circumstances, such as on Nelvaan) would freely exhibit them.

So fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to dudes taking off their shirts.

Also, whoever came up with the name “Aron Peacebringer,” fire yourself. I mean, what the hell, that is some seriously low effort work on your part.

Some males, such as Anakin Skywalker[16] and Corran Horn would also sleep barechested for comfort, though it should be noted that Horn undressed completely to sleep as opposed to simply going barechested.[17]

Damn, whoever wrote this section is perhaps a little too interested in figuring out when Anakin Skywalker goes shirtless.

Onward. In the “Cultural significance” section we learn, among other things, that

Female patients in bacta tanks could have their breasts covered,[21] but in some cases they chose not to.[22] Leia Organa seemed unperturbed by the sight of Shen breastfeeding in public on Dathomir [1] 

I don’t know who Shen is or what bacta tanks are, and I’m sort of thinking that I’m better off for not knowing.

We are also provided with this handy graphic:

starwardsboobs

And then we arrive at the section devoted to “Non-mammals with breasts,” and that’s when things get really weird.

First we learn that “[a] number of females belonging to non-mammalian species were known to have had breasts.”

And then we get to the shape-shifting, boob-having plants.

T’ra Saa, who was a shape-shifting Neti—a sentient species of plants— had breasts in her pseudo-Human form.[27]

In case you have trouble picturing a sentient plant with huge knockers, the Wookipedians provide a helpful illustration.

treeboob2

Apparently, there’s nothing in the Star Wars universe that can’t have boobs. Humans, wookies, robots, lizards, houseplants — you name it, and whoever is involved with that little facet of the extended Star Wars universe has probably put boobs on it, anywhere from two to six of them.

Actually, that’s not completely true. In the section of “Breast” devoted to developments  “Behind the scenes,” we learn that

During the development of Star Wars Galaxies, the team worked with Lucasfilm to determine the female Mon Calamari’s physiology. Because Mon Calamari were not mammals, early concepts showing Mon Calamari with breasts were eventually rejected.[29]

Congratulations, Star Wars Galaxies creators! I award you the first annual We Hunted the Mammoth Award for Restraint in Putting Boobs on Things.

H/T — Zoe Quinn on the Tweeter.

EDIT: I figured out where I found the link to the page, and added a blurry picture of a tree with boobs.

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nparker
nparker
6 years ago

@ mockingbird

I’m personally at the stage of being a semi casual, semi obsessive SW fan, but I’d one day like to be able to tell my DC-15 blaster rifle from my.. um… other weapon.

guy
guy
6 years ago

The Star Trek explanation dates back to TNG. The real reason is that TV producers are notoriously cheap and good alien costumes are expensive.

It looks like the species in control of the ancient Star Wars galactic powers like the Infinite Empire don’t actually have breasts, so the genetic engineering theory is out.

nparker
nparker
6 years ago

Also, mockingbird, I believe there was a similar explanation in Doctor Who too, in the expanded universe, where the Time Lords did such a thing. It may have just been some obscure fan theory though, I suppose.

They then did a smaller, planet sized version in Torchwood (which I didn’t actually watch, but any who.)

dlouwe
6 years ago

@mockingbird

Yeah, though I think it was explained at least once before Enterprise (I’ve only watched TNG, Voyager, and DS9, so it was in one of those).

Jon
Jon
6 years ago

It’s been said by others here, but it bugged me enough to comment for the first time.

This kind of feels like picking on nerds. Like, because nerds tend to skew MRA, the Star Wars Breast page is a result of that. And that really unfair to the obsessive world builders out there (and people like wookiepedia who catalog heir work). Some fantasy and sci-fi creators go to huge lengths of knowing everything about their world. Including stuff about breasts. Maybe it’s a bit creepy, but as someone who also likes to know everything about their characters, even if it’s never communicated to the reader, I’m not sure what misogny is being tracked or mocked here.

Fruitloopsie
Fruitloopsie
6 years ago
mockingbird
mockingbird
6 years ago

@guy –

It looks like the species in control of the ancient Star Wars galactic powers like the Infinite Empire don’t actually have breasts, so the genetic engineering theory is out.

Well, there’s always my brilliant theory.

@nparker – So much of the cannon characters, etc for the film and video Sci Fi / Fantasy that we know and love seems to stem from, “Costumes and special effects are expensive and much of our groundwork was lain before CGI (or before it was relatively cheap).” 😀

Quick: Why do Klingons look different in TOS than they do later?

I didn’t know that about Doctor Who’s expanded universe, though, so thanks 😀

@dlouwe (& @guy) – Yeah, I just have a vague memory of people (er, a human and Vulcan with the Federation, a…Cardassian? Were they in Enterprise? and maybe a Klingon) standing on a planet’s rocky surface and the explanation being given.

Please note that the episodes of Enterprise that I’ve seen were all viewed at 2 am or so while I was in the no-sleep fog of the first few months of nursing a newborn.

I thought it was how the whole Temporal War thing wrapped up, but – as I said – super spotty on that.

I’m thinking of giving Enterprise another try, just fast forwarding through the credits and skipping the whole Temporal War story arc. I think I remember seeing a list somewhere that listed the non-War (or at least not War-heavy) episodes.

I like how towards the end (like the, “Eh, we’re not getting renewed, anyway,” period) they said, “Eff it! Let’s do some Nega-Verse / alternate timeline episodes with THE TERRAN EMPIRE!”

guy
guy
6 years ago

Quick: Why do Klingons look different in TOS than they do later?

It is a long story, and we do not discuss it with outsiders

Then Enterprise decided to actually answer the question and also use the later-era makeup and it was kind of stupid.

Button
Button
6 years ago

Aww, guy beat me to it.

RGBvsCMYK
RGBvsCMYK
6 years ago

Well… the page is silly but I went over to Wookipedia and decided to give it the acid test.

To their credit they also have pages for ears, limbs, noses and so forth. It then usually gave a few examples of creatures with unusual numbers or types of ears, limbs, noses and so forth.

Their breasts article is, perhaps unnecessary, but fairly consistent with the rest of the site’s content. The only thing these people are “Really Really Obsessed” with is Star Wars media.

mockingbird
mockingbird
6 years ago

@guy @Button – Exactly!

I’ve heard that they’re different races /ethnicities within the Klingon Empire, different castes (I guess could be the same thing), the result of an attempt at genetic manipulation, the result of a genetically modifying virus…

But the bottom line is that TOS was filmed on a shoestring and the totally-not-Soviet-stand-in’s dramatic eyebrows were deemed to ve enough to differentiate them from the humans and Vulcans.

Jarnsaxa
Jarnsaxa
6 years ago

I’m sure you didn’t intend it this way, David, but this piece feels kind of meanspirited. It’s really not like you, so it sticks out a bit.

I’ve used wookiepedia a lot for Star Wars RP, both tabletop and in The Old Republic, and have always found its terrifying level of detail very helpful. It’s very good when you’re ordering drinks at a bar or trying to figure out the social customs of the alien you’re trying to portray. While I’ve never portrayed or shown a nursing mother in a Star Wars game, the information being there would allow me to do that, giving me a chance to have a more well-rounded, inclusive game.

It’s a very niche fan wiki, but it’s really not different from other niche fan wikis apart from the breadth.

mockingbird
mockingbird
6 years ago

Blast! Timed out of editing!

I’ve heard that they’re different races /ethnicities within the Klingon Empire, different castes (I guess could be the same thing), the result of an attempt at genetic manipulation to revert them to a “more Klingon” stage of evolution, the result of a genetically modifying virus, the result of an attempt at an antidote for a virus that deteriorates their genetic code (like The Phage? Is that what that did?)…

Ohlmann
Ohlmann
6 years ago

Well, for sure, the extracts you choose look a lot more normal for anyone who dived a bit in the EU, and know a bit what they talk about.

In addition to that, Wookiepedia, unlike some other wiki, both consider all canon work equal and try to be cold, scientific and neutral. That lead to really tone deaf pages, including the one on breasts.

mockingbird
mockingbird
6 years ago

@guy – Er, the first time through I missed that you said that Enterprise gave an explanation.

Which was it (this time)?

And, yes, I was also inordinately annoyed that they went with the “modern” Klingon.

Bina
6 years ago

It’s reassuring to know that, with hundreds (thousands? millions?) of sentient alien creatures to choose from, all of them are binary-gendered and have some form of similarly shaped mammary glands. I’m sure there’s a reasonable evo psych explanation for this, involving cave-wookie tingles.

It’s a pretty sure bet the galaxy also had MGTOW, threatening feeemales with extinction by nanny droid.

Emo Kylo Ren is negging Rey as we speak: “If you don’t put out, I’m-a go fuck a nan-droid! They have bigger boobs than you anyway, you Sarlacc-crotched hambeast…”

Hu's On First
Hu's On First
6 years ago

I once tried trolling the MGTOW subreddit by suggesting that if men had breasts too, women wouldn’t be able to use theirs to control men, and therefore, MGTOW should start trying to give themselves gynecomastia as a result.

It’d be so funny if they actually started doing that. Also, it’d give us a way to instantly tell who is a MGTOW.
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nparker
nparker
6 years ago

@ Jarnsaxa

I agree. I was actually kind of upset, not least because David’s articles are usually entertaining, informative and attack people who actually deserve it, rather than, it seems, utilising rather cheap shots.

Your other point: I love, love, love the detail on the wiki. I particularly like looking at a particular battle, and seeing in the sidebar the number of each force, the military units, the specific ship types participating, etc. It makes it feel almost like a history book, albeit one of a fictional universe. I find it very immersive. (I don’t doubt the hard work contributors put into it, I really don’t.) The information that seems pointless nevertheless really adds to the atmosphere, and the sense this is a real galaxy, and I imagine it’s much the same for RP.

guy
guy
6 years ago

Er, the first time through I missed that you said that Enterprise gave an explanation.

Which was it (this time)?

I’m mostly working secondhand here (I’ve seen isolated chunks of ENT seasons 1 and 2), but apparently losing the ridges was a side effect of a genetic augmentation procedure in the style of Khan. The Augments rose to power prior to the TOS era and either got forced out or had the alterations fade over generations prior to TNG. I think it tied into the Temporal Cold War somehow.

Monkoto
Monkoto
6 years ago

@mockingbird

I’m not sure TBH. Asimov has a lot of writings. I’ve read most of them at some point or another but outside of something in Foundation I’d have trouble relating and even then, it’s been a looooong time since I read Robots / Robots & Empire / Foundation / Foundation & Chaos. And I haven’t read an essay since HS unless it was disguised in the form of a scientific debate.

I know Clarke has a spider-like sapient species in Rama but for some reason they didn’t really stick with me as much as Doohan’s did. Then again, Doohan did play a few hamhanded tricks with stereotypes but it was funny enough at the time so I suppose that’s why it stuck ( I mean, c’mon, an arachnophobe as the translator / linguist who is the only one who can help everyone else talk to the giant spider aliens but can’t… talk… to the spider… aliens…? You just had to go there…. )

I’m not really talking about as enemies either, plenty of books have taken the spider-alien enemy approach ( even Doohan’s does, a faction of the spiders are the enemy ) like… Stars at War? I think it was. Spider-like aliens that loved cultivating alien species so they could eat their babies ’cause the babies were just the right size or what not. Needless to say, spiders – or any arachnid really – have oft been the sample enemy in many a book. It’s just that normally they’re not given interesting backstories / worldbuilding because it’s easy to just build off sweeping fear.

Jarnsaxa
Jarnsaxa
6 years ago

James White’s books include a horrific interspecies war between humans and teddy-bear-like creatures that gets started when a human tries to kiss one of the aliens’ babies. Because humans look like a species that used to prey on the aliens, and they freak out.

Countless deaths and horrors later they work out what the problem was and forge a peace.

Monkoto
Monkoto
6 years ago

@Jarnsaxa

Sounds like Zahn’s Conqueror‘s series. Aliens go to war with humans during first contact because our radio waves transmitted during the -figure out what we can talk to each other with- process hurt their ghost ancestors.

Father Goose
Father Goose
6 years ago

I seem to recall the Octospiders (I think that is what they were called) in the later Rama books being mostly benevolant and pretty confused and upset that the human colonists they were saddled with turned out to be genecidal assholes.

I think they only started killing people after the human colonists invaded their habitat and started murdering Octos.

ColeYote
ColeYote
6 years ago

The expanded universe could get weird. And now none of it is canon!

(Well, none of it that takes places after Return of the Jedi, anyway)

katz
6 years ago

Everyone arguing that Wookieepedia has tons of detail on all topics, please note that it has no article on penises.

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