Categories
boobs creepy

Star Wars Fans Possibly Really Really Obsessed With Breasts

Apparent;ly this Jedi mind trick works all too well
Apparent;ly this Jedi mind trick works all too well

Ok, so I’m not exactly the most dedicated Star Wars fan out there. I mean, yeah, I’ve seen most of the films, and I might possibly have owned a plastic light saber at one point, but now I’m beginning to wonder if I ever really understood Star Wars at all.

For example, I had no idea about the plants with boobs.

Last night, you see, I ran across a link to the Wookiepedia — the Wikipedia for all things Star Warsy. Specifically, it was a link to the Wookiepedia page on “Breast.” Not breasts, just Breast, though it turns out that there are up to six of them. But I’m getting ahead of myself here.

The Wookipedia page on Breast starts off with a brief yet still baffling overview:

Breasts were the mammary glands of mammalian species and some reptomammals, and were normally a distinguishing feature of the female of the species. Males did have breasts, but they were far less developed than their female counterparts due to the sexual dimorphism.

Reptomammals!? And what’s with the past tense? Breasts “were?” I’m pretty sure that breasts still are.

Every sentence in the “Breast” entry raises more questions than it answers. In the “Biological role” section, the Wookipedians explain that

In some cultures, sentient females nursed their own young. This was true of both primitive planetary societies like Dathomir, where the warrior-women of the Singing Mountain Clan would feed their children even during solemn councils of war,[1] and high-tech interstellar civilization.

What the hell is a Dathomir, and why are its Mountain Clans singing? How on earth, sorry, Dathomir, do we know that these singing Mountain-warrior clanswomen are breastfeeding at the war councils? In the Star Wars movies I’ve seen there wasn’t any breastfeeding. (Nor was there a Dathomir. but never mind.) Are there like a dozen secret Star Wars movies out there I haven’t seen that focus mostly on breastfeeding?

Even Tenel Ka Djo, Queen Mother of the Hapes Consortium, nursed her daughter Allana herself.[4]

You guys are just making all this shit up, right?

Alternative techniques of feeding infants did exist, as the TDL nanny droid could store up to two liters of milk internally.[5]

Ok, even if TDL nanny droids are a real thing in some expanded Star Wars universe, why do you know the specific amount of milk they can store internally?

Other sentient species retained strong breastfeeding traditions as well: female Wookiees had six breasts, which they used to nurse their litters of cubs.[6] Askajian females also had six breasts,[7] while Gran females had three.[8]

HOW IS IT THAT YOU CAN FOOTNOTE ALL OF THIS. WHY ARE THERE DOCUMENTS THAT SPECIFY THE NUMBERS OF BOOBS THAT IMAGINARY STAR WARS ALIENS HAVE. WHY DO THOSE DOCUMENTS EXIST.

And then there’s a weirdly long and detailed discussion of the breasts of imaginary alien males. From it we learn that Anakin Skywalker — you know, the future Darth Vader — liked showing off his man boobs (not to be confused with the former name of this blog).

As male individuals were not biologically meant to nurse their offsprings, they sported much smaller breasts and produced no milk. Mandalore the Lesser (then a gladiator),[9] Aron Peacebringer (a planetary leader)[10], and Anakin Skywalker (in certain circumstances, such as on Nelvaan) would freely exhibit them.

So fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to dudes taking off their shirts.

Also, whoever came up with the name “Aron Peacebringer,” fire yourself. I mean, what the hell, that is some seriously low effort work on your part.

Some males, such as Anakin Skywalker[16] and Corran Horn would also sleep barechested for comfort, though it should be noted that Horn undressed completely to sleep as opposed to simply going barechested.[17]

Damn, whoever wrote this section is perhaps a little too interested in figuring out when Anakin Skywalker goes shirtless.

Onward. In the “Cultural significance” section we learn, among other things, that

Female patients in bacta tanks could have their breasts covered,[21] but in some cases they chose not to.[22] Leia Organa seemed unperturbed by the sight of Shen breastfeeding in public on Dathomir [1] 

I don’t know who Shen is or what bacta tanks are, and I’m sort of thinking that I’m better off for not knowing.

We are also provided with this handy graphic:

starwardsboobs

And then we arrive at the section devoted to “Non-mammals with breasts,” and that’s when things get really weird.

First we learn that “[a] number of females belonging to non-mammalian species were known to have had breasts.”

And then we get to the shape-shifting, boob-having plants.

T’ra Saa, who was a shape-shifting Neti—a sentient species of plants— had breasts in her pseudo-Human form.[27]

In case you have trouble picturing a sentient plant with huge knockers, the Wookipedians provide a helpful illustration.

treeboob2

Apparently, there’s nothing in the Star Wars universe that can’t have boobs. Humans, wookies, robots, lizards, houseplants — you name it, and whoever is involved with that little facet of the extended Star Wars universe has probably put boobs on it, anywhere from two to six of them.

Actually, that’s not completely true. In the section of “Breast” devoted to developments  “Behind the scenes,” we learn that

During the development of Star Wars Galaxies, the team worked with Lucasfilm to determine the female Mon Calamari’s physiology. Because Mon Calamari were not mammals, early concepts showing Mon Calamari with breasts were eventually rejected.[29]

Congratulations, Star Wars Galaxies creators! I award you the first annual We Hunted the Mammoth Award for Restraint in Putting Boobs on Things.

H/T — Zoe Quinn on the Tweeter.

EDIT: I figured out where I found the link to the page, and added a blurry picture of a tree with boobs.

187 Comments
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
lightcastle
lightcastle
6 years ago

It is probably all footnoted to Extended Universe stuff. (All the books, games, comics, etc. that were eventually turned into “Legends” so that Disney could do its own continuity.)

I think Wookiepedia does everything in past tense because everything is supposed to be

“A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away….”

David Rutten
David Rutten
6 years ago

The parallels with this week’s Oglaf are creepy…

Bernardo Soares
Bernardo Soares
6 years ago

“worldbuilding”

Lucas
Lucas
6 years ago

Past tense is used because Star Wars took place a long, long time ago. For all we know, the Star Wars galaxy is currently extinct, or ceased to exist as a recognizable galaxy.

Tabby Lavalamp
Tabby Lavalamp
6 years ago

Is there a freaked out section where the writers discover in horror that boobs age?

Bernardo Soares
Bernardo Soares
6 years ago

@Tabby Lavalamp

Given the assholes whining about the horrible fact that Carrie Fisher doesn’t look exactly the same as 30 years ago, there probably soon will be.

Moggie
Moggie
6 years ago

while Gran females had three.

Pretty sure that my Gran had two.

Saffron
Saffron
6 years ago

To be fair, the obsessive attention to irrelevant detail of Star Wars fans is not limited to boobs.

Johanna Roberts
Johanna Roberts
6 years ago

This is all Extended Universe stuff, from the books. And while the Courtship of Princess Leia is a terrible and sexist book in a lot of ways, I will admit the Witches of Dathomir and the Singing Mountain clan are very, very kick ass.

But yeah, Courtship of Princess Leia…terrible plot. “HURRRDURR DURR IM HAN SOLO IMMA CLUB MY GIRLFRIEND AND KIDNAP HER BECAUSE SHE’S INTERESTED IN A BIG FAT HANDSOME JERK WHO ISNT ME!” Great writing there, she said sarcastically.

Luzbelitx
6 years ago

So fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to dudes taking off their shirts.

…I could sort of dig a universe like that…

msexceptiontotherule
msexceptiontotherule
6 years ago

Perhaps they’re going through all of the fictional breast-having species and milk-production stuff to ease a tightly-wound bunch of mgtows into not freaking out over human women breast feeding in public?

That’s my best guess and probably wrong, but making sense of it is just…not….

AlanSmithee
AlanSmithee
6 years ago

Well, look at it this way – Star Wars was created to appeal primarily to boys in the 25 or less age range – a demographic which spends a significant amount of time obsessing over boobs. Naturally, you’d expect fan works like the Wookiepedia to have a lot to say about the subject.

Bina
6 years ago

I would be shocked, but this is apparently the same contingent that obsesses over boobie-bouncing in video games, and considers non-jiggly games to be a waste of time, so…

Chaltab
Chaltab
6 years ago

Wookieepedia generally has all its articles in past tense, which sometimes makes me think a death has been spoiled early by the past tense before I remember.

Also that article is embarrassing.

@ Anti Cistema

…I could sort of dig a universe like that…

What you mean that’s not how the world already works? Twilight Films, you have lied to me!

Button
Button
6 years ago

A bacta tank actually showed up in The Empire Strikes Back – it’s the tank of liquid that Luke is hanging out in after Han rescues him.

A lot of the things you’re picking on in this article are part of the Wookieepedia style, not specific to their Breast article. Compare the Wookieepedia article on hair.

Fantasy and “soft” sci-fi’s penchant for putting boobs on critters that have no business having them as a lazy shortcut of marking them “feminine” – often with all the modern, white, Western stereotypes attached – is frustrating and near-ubiquitous. You see it in Dr. Who, in Dungeons & Dragons, in most fantasy video games (take a look at the sexual dimorphism in Tera‘s one reptilian race, whose name I forget atm, for a particularly horrid example; then realize that her “hair” is textured in a way that implies it’s made of meat; then realize that she’s meant to be barefoot), pretty much anywhere in the genre.

The absurdity of putting breasts on women of all species – of even having recognizable “women” of all species – is highlighted by the Wookieepedia article in question; but the article itself seems restrained and informative, especially with its talk of breastfeeding, which most Dudebros consider icky. I actually wonder if it hasn’t been contributed to by a breastfeeding advocate. EDIT: I have not actually read the article, but I am assuming that David excerpted the most problematic/weird parts, and that I therefore wouldn’t have a problem with the rest of it.

The illustration is the only real problem I have with what you excerpted here.

Bina
6 years ago

The parallels with this week’s Oglaf are creepy…

Egads. That cartoon is creepy.

Also, shouldn’t the last frame show his multiple erections all deflating? I mean, he IS disappointed to see where else she has a bazonga…

Dan Kasteray
Dan Kasteray
6 years ago

Expended universe, good times.

I may be a pervert for saying this but I got a hoot out of the breast page on wookiepedia.

I’m a star wars fan but I’m not a kid anymore, if you know what I mean.

AsAboveSoBelow
AsAboveSoBelow
6 years ago

For Star Wars superfans, no detail is too small. Or big, as the case may be. Wocka wocka!

Alan Robertshaw
6 years ago

@ Button

a lazy shortcut of marking them “feminine”

Well now Disney owns the franchise they’ll probably just stick a bow on the female characters.

Orion
6 years ago

I believe past tense is standard for any discussion of the contents of a fictional property or artwork. They’re describing the properties that the breasts had in the books which have thus far been published, not asserting the factual existence of a star wars universe and discussing the properties breasts have in that world.

DS
DS
6 years ago

Past tense no doubt because it was “LONG AGO in a galaxy far away”.

Broken Butterfly
Broken Butterfly
6 years ago

Am I the only one who likes coming up with mundane details like this for my world, regardless of the genders involved? I spent an entire page one time writing about a ritual/magic that a fully male race used to reproduce, for instance, so all of this… really does just seem like worldbuilding to me.

Except the “slapping breasts onto everything” part. That I think should really be stopped, especially because some races are a lot more interesting if you can’t immediately tell what gender they have (if any!) just by whether or not they have titties.

I can’t remember the game but there was one where literally the only difference between males/females that was immediately obvious was that the males had slightly longer fur in the face; there were other tells and such, but you had to learn them since they were so different from a human’s make-up.

guy
guy
6 years ago

The Star Wars EU was extremely large, so there’s information on lots of things in it. That’s actually pretty short as Wookieepedia articles go. Compared to literally over a dozen articles on the X-wing’s continual upgrades, it’s rather negligible.

Tenel Ka was one of Luke’s top jedi students. As the princess of a matriarchal warrior culture, she was probably the top hand-to-hand fighter and a fairly major character who eventually became queen.

mockingbird
mockingbird
6 years ago

Yeah, this is a pass for me.

Some people are really reallyreallyreally into world building.

“Mammaries (almoat) all around” is pretty lazy, but *shrugs* it’s kind of neat that they play different roles.

re: past tense: I’ll echo others who’ve said that it’s probably more to do with it being “long ago in a galaxy far, far away” than with any literary custom.

1 2 3 8
%d bloggers like this: