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On Cucumbers, Carrots and Prehensile Breasts

I find cucumbers to be the most romantic of all the gourds
I find cucumbers to be the most romantic of all the gourds

So I’m on a couple of pickup artist email lists — I always mean to mine them for posts here but somehow never get around to even looking at the emails that pile up in my inbox.

Today, I looked. Because how could you not look at an email that opens like this:

Her breasts were struggling to escape her shirt, as she grabbed his cucumber and carrots…  And I kept waiting for him to say SOMETHING but he didn’t…  He just took his groceries and left…while he could have had her number and a wild night of sex later that night…  If only he used this “money line”

There’s so much to unpack here. We’ve got prehensile breasts trying to wiggle their way to freedom. We’ve got a woman in a grocery store who flirts with men by literally grabbing all the vaguely phallic vegetables a dude has in his cart. (Also, why was this dude shopping with a pickup guru? Does he only buy phallic vegetables, in hopes of attracting grabby women with prehensile breasts?)

And then we have a pickup artist trying to convince us that he’s got some magical phrase — available only to those who give him their credit card number — that will enable men to lure grocery-grabbing women into having sex.

I’m pretty sure that if a woman is literally grabbing your penis-shaped produce in a grocery store, either you have wandered onto the set of a porn film, or, you know, she likes you and you don’t actually need a “money line” to magically win her over. All you have to do is decide if you like her too, and if you do, suggest getting something to eat, or drink, or pretty much anything that involves hanging out more. It’s not that complicated. Women aren’t locks to be picked.

I’m also pretty sure that someone who writes sentences like this

unnamedpua

… isn’t someone you want to rely on as your own personal Cyrano de Bergerac.

56 replies on “On Cucumbers, Carrots and Prehensile Breasts”

Flying mouse and ej:”What kind of balls does this guy have?!”

Omg, dying over here. For some reason that really got me. Can’t stop laughing.

I too read up “and carrots” and thought “what? More than one peni…er, uh, pointy penis? Plural?”

If the PUA who wrote that is as good a picker-upper as he is a writer, I’d be honestly surprised that he hasn’t been pelted to death with tin cans by irate checkout clerks yet. Because damn, his writing is so shitty that it makes me want to throw things in his general direction. Hard, skull-denting things.

That line about her grabbing his cucumber and carrots – was I the only reader whose first thought was ‘Blimey that guy has pointy orange testicles’?

Or is it just me?

I can’t laugh at this. It just gives me a headache. I remember reading so much about PUA and their obsessive almost mystical too much reading into buying groceries crap. Seeing meaning where there isn’t any. I’m exhausted thinking about it.

“I find cucumbers to be the most romantic of all the gourds”

That is some straight up Withnail and I sh** right there. Am I the only one who, when reading that line, heard it in Uncle Monty’s voice!?

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