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alpha males evil sexy ladies heartiste men who should not ever be with women ever misogyny PUA vaginas

Has pickup guru Heartiste ever actually been in the same room as a human vagina?

Not pictured: Human vagina.
Pitcher plants. Not pictured: Human vaginas.

There’s a famous scene in 40 Year Old Virgin where Steve Carrell’s character inadvertently reveals his complete lack of sexual experience with women (not that there’s anything wrong with that) by suggesting that a women’s breast “feels like a bag of sand.”

I sometimes find myself wondering if some of the guys I write about here have ever actually been in the presence of a naked woman. I mean, sure, it’s not really that surprising that a committed vagina-avoider like the legendary Man Going His Own Way known as Christopher in Oregon would write about women in general, and their vaginas in particular, as if they were stinky alien creatures from Planet Yuckygirls.

But it’s a little weirder when someone who claims to be an expert on the female mind and body describes, for example, the human vagina in ways that seem to suggest that he’s never actually been in the same room with one.

I’m referring to our old friend Heartiste, the smug, racist piece of human trash who presents himself to the world as a pickup artist extraordinaire, someone who in his glory days “slew pussy like the Quim Reaper” (his words, obviously, not mine).

In a recent post, though, Heartiste cast aspersions on a fat woman’s alleged “sticky, bulbous, pitcher plant vagina.”

Bulbous? Bulbous?

Dude, you do realize that vaginas are, er, concave, right?

Heartiste, a somewhat overenthusiastic fan of metaphor, has previously suggested that vaginas are less like pitcher plants than they are like a shark’s toothy mouth, describing how “alpha” males find themselves “staring into the maw of an excited vagina aroused by the scent of cock in the water.”

In other posts he’s written of “poon petals flower[ing],” rhapsodized about  “pussy waterfalls … sprayed in fine mists over jungle canopies,” described the vagina as a “fetid, humid mess” that no true alpha would want to go down upon, and suggested that the vulvas of “aging women” regularly become “low-hanging hammocks” needing plastic surgery in order to compete sexually with the less-hammocky vulvas of younger women.

He’s talked about “vaginal gusher[s],” exploding pussy, and women whose desire “erupt[s] like Mount Vaginius.”

Taking his cue, perhaps, from Frank Herbert’s Dune, he’s described male desire for a world in which “the snatch will flow.”

The word “labia” seems to send him into a veritable paroxysm of excited metaphoring. He’s described labia as “flowering,” “flapping,” and “pulsating.”  He suggests that a sexually aroused women will need to “shift a little in [her] chair to make room for [her] engorging labia.”

In one post, he warns his readers that if they can’t pull off at least a reasonable impersonation of an alpha male, their girlfriend’s “labia will wither like rose petals in a Texas drought”; in another he suggests that if a fella can successfully ape an alpha, a woman’s “labia [will] begin to flower like a Desert Lily after an August deluge.”

He laughs at the thought of a “loser … jab[bing] a few tepid spurts into sea cucumber labia.”

And even more weirdly, he’s referred to the phrase “hey you” as “the symptomatic verbal goosebumps of the warm chill caused by her engorging labia.”

Wat.

But no variety of labia seems to excite him quite so much as feminist labia. In one post he attacks the “crooked labia of feminist ideology,” whatever that means; in another he happily predicts that his opinions will cause much “gnashing of labia”; in still another, he imagines his writings causing “a million fatties and fug feminists [to] sprout martyrdom stigmata on their marbled labia.”

And in an even stranger bit of metaphorical overkill he once referred to “Manboobz Fatrelle’s porcine labia,” which is evidently his somewhat baroque rendition of the standard Manosphere taunt that I’m a fat “mangina.”

Your challenge today, dear readers, is to draw a picture of what Heartiste must think vaginas look like based on his various descriptions of them. I recommend using MSPaint.

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Argenti Aertheri
7 years ago

ceebarks — seeing how I have a bit of experience with vaginas, only time “slime” might be accurate is if there’s a bit of a yeast problem going on, or said slime is actually menstral. Though, if guess to this genius in disguise, the idea that menstraution is not actually blue liquid as shown in commercials might be quite a surprise!

Hint to the cis guys reading — sometimes vaginas do produce some gross stuff, instead of saying “ew gross” ask if you can pick up anything, don’t be too “manly” to buy pads/tampons, and get some cupcakes or chocolate or something if you want to really cement yourself as an actual nice guy. In short, your special friend probably feels like crap, and needs to feel extra special, so don’t be a jerk!

Seriously though, if you want a chance at non-menstral sexytimes, don’t call it slime.

Argenti Aertheri
7 years ago

Carmen, would it be out of line for me to applaud you? Because I really want to right now.

As for that CDC study, try page 35 or so. That’s off the top of my head, but I’ve seen that thing so many times thanks to our trolls that I should’ve bookmarked it by now! I think there is something about repeat revictimization in there though, a bit after the part about stats on the perpetrators. (And gods do I hate the word revictimization, it’s like “hey, you were made into a victim, repeatedly!”)

And I know what you mean about not all people who commit assault being predators, one of mine was just plain pitiful — not out looking to hurt someone, but incapible of grasping that he was anyways, cuz dude, intent, it ain’t magic! Idk about not using the terms rapist and killer though, I still enjoy being dehumanize those exs, even if I haven’t actually managed to but a personal pronoun in the same sentence as “rapist” (well, clearly I can, as I just did, but you know what I mean)

katz
7 years ago

get some cupcakes or chocolate or something if you want to really cement yourself as an actual nice guy

In the interests of avoiding a stereotype of What Menstruating People Want, I might amend that to “get something that you know said person likes.”

But yes, cis dudes who don’t mind buying pads and tampons are the best. (Although admittedly the options are staggering if you go to the store without instructions.)

Argenti Aertheri
7 years ago

Lol, fair enough! That was definitely my pro-chocolate bias showing, because it’s second only to the blessed beverage known as coffee.

Hm… PUAs = pro unending abundance of sweets? (Pro as in “for”, not as in “professional”, cuz that’s just silly!)

Buttercup Q. Skullpants
Buttercup Q. Skullpants
7 years ago

I seem to remember a piece of his several years ago where he claimed to have slapped a woman across the face and slime came out of her vagina.

Knowing how easily confused and prone to exaggeration Heartiste is, one suspects it was actually a bottle of ketchup.

dhag85
dhag85
7 years ago

@Carmen

Thank you for your perspective and your input. I can’t tell you enough how much it sucks that those sucky things happened to you. I think some of the things you say in your comments are among the most valuable lessons for many men to make an effort to understand, and it’s a lesson of nuance and the insight that one person’s perception of reality does not equal Reality.

As we know, many people think “rape” is one very specific thing, usually a stranger attacking a randomly selected young woman walking home from a party late at night. Similarly, many people think the concept of oppression is also very narrow. They might say, as one prominent MRA in my country has been saying for years, that since the written law makes no difference based on gender, there is also no oppression based on gender. Again, they fail to realize that reality is usually more complex than whatever straw reality you can think up from the comfort of your living room.

Another example of this same mentality, in my opinion, is the over-confidence in your own ability to handle a hypothetical situation should it ever happen to yourself. People may assume that if they were ever attacked, they would know exactly how to handle the situation, and they would have no problem sticking to that plan in the heat of the moment. In the same way, the people who think a gunman shooting up a movie theatre could be easily taken down if only everybody in the theatre carried a gun may also be overestimating themselves and others.

It comes back to the common misconception that even though you have never been in Situation Y, you know exactly what it is like to be in Situaton Y, and you know exactly how you would react if you were ever in Situation Y. This is just plainly false, and I think maybe that’s one of the top 5 things I wish all people would just understand and accept.

dhag85
dhag85
7 years ago

And when I say “you” in that comment, other than in the first paragraph, it’s a generic you. 🙂

Lea
Lea
7 years ago

In the interests of avoiding a stereotype of What Menstruating People Want, I might amend that to “get something that you know said person likes.”

Chocolate is nice, but weed and a heating pad are better. 😉 Whatever the gift, I’m sure the best part of Argenti bringing you a gift is that you get to hang out with Argenti.

Arctic Ape
Arctic Ape
7 years ago

But yes, cis dudes who don’t mind buying pads and tampons are the best. (Although admittedly the options are staggering if you go to the store without instructions.)

Apropos this, if I were to stock some menstrual products in my home for visiting friends, what kind of product would be most widely applicable?

(Asking what they use, I could do that but probably shouldn’t.)

Arctic Ape
Arctic Ape
7 years ago

Knowing how easily confused and prone to exaggeration Heartiste is, one suspects it was actually a bottle of ketchup.

Especially if it happened in porn. I read an interview of some indie porn crew where they said you can fake pee by squirting cold tea from a ketchup bottle.

Chocolate is nice, but weed and a heating pad are better

Huh, I read that as “weed and patting head”.

gilshalos
7 years ago

Hmm.. used pads myself, cos I couldn’t face tampons. But with pads you also need tight overpants to hold them in place, so possibly not something you put on at a friends.(If you don’t have overpants, well, you feel like a duck with the pad waving behind you.)

DL
DL
7 years ago

There was an effort at one point. http://i.imgur.com/fQrmcfR.png
I admit, I am much better at drawing penises than vaginas.

Bonus: http://i.imgur.com/Haq2BRd.png

Robert
Robert
7 years ago

It occurs to me that I have had no first hand experience with menstrual issues. I should ask my husband to explain these things to our older son, who turns eighteen this April. Don’t know how much he already knows (son, that is), but more is probably better than less.

Argenti Aertheri
7 years ago

Aww Lea, you’re so sweet! 🙂

fruitloopsie
fruitloopsie
7 years ago

ParadoxicalIntention
Thanks for the information. I have mixed feelings on either playing infinite and haunting grounds or not. I think would be cool to play a woman in a bioshock game too. Again thanks for all the information all of that sounds cool.

ceebarks
ceebarks
7 years ago

Apropos this, if I were to stock some menstrual products in my home for visiting friends, what kind of product would be most widely applicable?

probably mid-sized pads… ime, tampon users will take a pad in a pinch, but not necessarily vice versa.

Ellesar
7 years ago

dhag – thanks for your story. I think that older people often get a pass on unacceptable behaviour or language, and I do not think that that is necessarily OK. He might have been a lonely old man because he was a bigot and a patronising arsehole! He might not even have been that lonely.

I am glad you then saw it from a woman’s perspective – yes, it is JUST like that. I extricated myself from numerous invitations from much older men when I was younger – the oldest was 82, and yes, he did have a sexual motive (he was a well known lech in the village I was visiting). While travelling the world I have been much more reserved around hetero men than women or gay men because of the (repeatedly prove correct) assumption that I made that their intentions were largely sexual. Unless they were with their families it was just not worth the hassle.

katz
7 years ago

Whatever the gift, I’m sure the best part of Argenti bringing you a gift is that you get to hang out with Argenti.

I’ll give that a hearty second.

contrapangloss
7 years ago

Never hung out with Argenti in 3D-verse, but I’d bet that thirding that would be a truth!

Especially because Nivi pictures! And Goof stories about Puff!

Mrex
Mrex
7 years ago

seeing how I have a bit of experience with vaginas, only time “slime” might be accurate is if there’s a bit of a yeast problem going on, or said slime is actually menstral.

Maybe he means the “egg white” discharge that women get for a very short time while ovulating?

TMI; if you’re wondering what I mean, its a way to check for ovulation. Masturbate some, or get some discharge on your fingers, and pull them apart. If it breaks apart, you’re prolly not ovulating. If it sticks together and looks a bit like egg whites, you’re prolly ovulating. Women’s discharge actually naturally changes quite a bit throughout the month.

Note: women on hormonal bc usually don’t ovulate.

GardenGallivant
GardenGallivant
7 years ago

Perhaps our PUA has seen and believed the prehistoric “Venus” figures are paleontological depictions of actual women.
http://www.visual-arts-cork.com/prehistoric/venus-of-monpazier.htm
After all, the general description of the known “Venus” figures is “Most share several attributes in common, as follows: all depict a female figure; its shape is almost always grotesquely obese, with tapering points at the top (head) and bottom (legs); there is an exaggerated focus on the breasts, abdomen, vulva, hips and thighs; this contrasts with a correspondingly scant interest in other features of the body; the head, for instance, is usually small with little detail. However, while these Venus sculptures deliberately highlight the gender and physical characteristics of women, and thus invoke issues of fertility, few of them depict pregnancy or infant-bearing.”
http://www.visual-arts-cork.com/prehistoric/sculpture.htm

errapel
7 years ago

One wonders, does the Geneva convention cover the torturing of metaphors?

chimisaur
chimisaur
7 years ago

Throwing my two cents in to the menstruation conversation: for myself and most vagina-having friends pads with those sticky wings are vastly preferable to the ones you just stick in your pants and hope they don’t slide over, so maybe some of those would be a good plan.

Also, chocolate is nice and all, but does anyone else get bizarre red meat cravings during that time of month? Like, I’m normally a fish-and-veg person, maybe pork if I’m feeling extra carnivore-y, but once a month a giant, greasy burger with a side of steak sounds like a great idea.

That may just be me though.

ceebarks
ceebarks
7 years ago

my appetite is usually pretty indifferent during the actual period. It’s the couple days before that I’m a ravenous cravings machine, and yeah, usually I’m into the meat and cheese and olives and bread and stuff like that.

Then very annoyed at myself for thoughtlessly stuffing my face, because I am already bloated to what feels like gargantuan proportions. Finally the actual period shows itself, the cravings subside, and I lose the bloat over the next few days. Repeat approx. every 23 days (!)

Weird how different people are sometimes.

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