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Feminists! Terrible news! “Heartiste” has been having sex with you!

There’s no good way to illustrate this post so here’s sleepy Maru in a box.

 

Lady feminists! I have some terrible, terrible news for you from pickup artiste Heartiste, the would-be God Emperor of Poon. Apparently he and his pals have been having sex with you all.

Heartiste lets us all in on this little secret in a post earlier this month titled “Lots Of Feminists Are Getting Banged Out By PUAs.” He explains that those dudes who “scavenge snatch” in upscale white neighborhoods in big American cities – what Heartiste in an attempt at humor likes to call Stuff White People Like Land (or SWPL-Land) – will by definition score with some of you feminist ladies.

This is because most girls in the big blue population sinks of SWPL-Land are feminists of one stripe or another. You can’t swing an Emperor Deluxe condom without hitting a feminist in the cooch if you live or operate within these zones of misandry.

Heartiste helpfully spells out for his readers some of the different kinds of feminists to be found in these misandry zones.

The first, the most extreme exponents of radical feminism are what one of his readers calls the “Jizzabel-type feminazi,” or what Heartiste himself calls “the femcunts.”

Yes, that’s right. Apparently the most radical of all feminist publications, the SCUM Manifesto for our internet era, is Jezebel.

Heartiste explains:

These are your Jizzebomb fanatics, the devotees of feminism as a life-affirming ideology. They are the smallest in number, but the loudest in bitchery and kookery. This is the kind of manjawed girl — typically a lawyer, academic, organic farmer or diversity consultant — who reads and comments daily at sites like Feministing and Slate/Salon/SuckMyClit with furrowed brow, regurgitating what she learns therein at parties and in the middle of dates, exposing a vile expectation that all the world should agree with where her retarded logic takes her.

Uh, I’m familiar with Feministing, and Slate and Salon, but I’m afraid I don’t have any idea about this mysterious “SuckMyClit” site he’s referring to. (There isn’t even a site up by that name, though enterprising publishers will be happy to learn that the domain name is for sale.)

Heartiste continues:

As long as you don’t embroil yourself in her occasional tantrums at invisible enemies, and keep the pick-up light and breezy while steering her in different conversational directions whenever you sniff the approach of another feminist tirade carried along by the id winds, you will get the bang. She is, underneath her femcuntery, still a woman, and as such (however much you may need reminding) she will respond viscerally to ancient cues of your mate worthiness, and her vagina will flower in spectacular opposition to the wilting of her mind.

Heartiste is an even worse writer of erotic fiction than E.L. James.

Oh, and here’s another little bit of shitthatneverhappened.txt. (TW for crude rape reference.)

You don’t want to stay with women like these beyond a few hate smashes, so for shits and giggles I suggest you regale her in the morning with your support of the Second Amendment and the ludicrousness of the equal pay myth. For bonus soul-shivving points, casually muse aloud, after you have sprayed her mug and she’s inserted her glazed face into your armpit nook, that 1 in 5 women who are being raped will orgasm during the act.

Yes, that’s right. Heartiste is publicly posting his fantasies about Jezebel-reading radical feminists rubbing semen (his own) into his armpits with their faces.

Next in Heartiste’s imaginary classification scheme come The Partisans.

These are the girls who occasionally read feminist blogs (usually when a fat femcunt friend passes along a link) and parrot the benumbing Cathedral crap they hear on TV and read in approved MSM papers. But these soapbox episodes are blessedly infrequent and pass unremarked, unless they manage to corral some dipshit manboob into acting as a sounding board for their cockamamy nonsense on white male privilege and socially constructed beauty standards (Hugs Shyster, Scrotumless Scalzi, I’m looking at you two distilled estrogen pools.)

Hey, a shoutout! Thanks, pal!

And finally, The Lemmings:

MOST women in the cities will have spent the better part of their sexually adventurous single girl years steeped in the platitudes of feminism, and they will know nothing else. Combined with women’s natural aversion to abstract thinking beyond immediate, selfish concerns, what you wind up with is a population of lickspittle lemmings who mindlessly nod in agreement every time a talking head exploiting this deficiency in the mental circuitry of half the voting public sonorously intones something about “equal pay for equal work”, or “war on women”. The Lemmings, by far the largest group of women you will likely encounter unless you live in South Dakota, include all types of girls, from club sluts to self-important HR robots to daddy’s princesses to deliriously frantic scenesters. Luckily for your sanity, these girls do not take feminism seriously … .

In the end, Heartiste tells his readers that “90% of your city’s women are feminist in name if not in execution.”

So they’re feminists, even though they’re not really feminists. Gotcha. With such an expansive definition, it’s no wonder Heartiste is convinced that a significant portion of the women he “bangs out” – whether in the real world or in his fevered imagination – are feminists of some sort.

He concludes:

Most hardcore feminists, whether or not they know it, are fucking men who either pretend to give a shit about their precious ideology, or don’t even bother with the pretense of pretending to give a shit about it. In fact, the majority of men, and an even bigger majority of players, are like me: they find feminism absurd on its face and will dismissively change the subject anytime the girls they are seeing make the mistake of veering into feminist bromide territory. Most girls are sensible and will know when their feminist retardation is turning off the men they like, and will quickly fall in line with the change of subject.

There are exceptions. A few supercharged feminists will eventually wind up with sycophantic manboobs for lovers, and a more perfect pairing I couldn’t imagine.

Aw. Another shoutout. It’s almost as if he has some sort of he-man heterosexual man crush on me.

 

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Falconer
Falconer
9 years ago

…I think I’m going to watch Rotate Your Owl again, because owls

Did I post that here recently, or just go watch it on YouTube? I know someone else posted it a long time ago.

That’s not cat spaghetti, that’s just a catpile, albeit a good one (the more cats, the better). Cats can’t form ‘spaghetti.’ They aren’t snakes.

You have trouble with non-representative language, don’t you? Is your name Glod Glodsson? Do you say you love gold only to get it into bed? Do you live in Ankh-Morpork? ‘Cos the only person I’d expect to quibble that hard over a metaphor is a dwarf from Discworld.

beshemoth
9 years ago

delurking just to say, ‘n’th-ing the peeps who’ve said they don’t get that Heartiste seems to have women so much and yet is apparently a ‘guru’ (a paid one?) on the subject of Getting With Women (or whatever people actually said that was kinda similar to this. God, I suck at online communication, I need practice. Or, staying away, one of the two…)

/tangent
– actually, maybe I don’t get why guys who want to pick up women would choose a ‘guru’ who clearly hates women? I wouldn’t, for instance, take gardening advice from someone who’s on record as absolutely detesting nature, or pick a guide to a country I wanted to visit which was upfront about loathing that country? :S Or am I missing something extremely basic?

pillow in hell
pillow in hell
9 years ago

Falconer..LOL!

Also, someone should really do something about Heartistes frothing at the mouth problem. I suggest a bib and a trip to the dentists where his mouth gets wired shut.

pillow in hell
pillow in hell
9 years ago

Beshemoth, yeah the part you’re missing is that the students of said “guru” also hate women and don’t see that the hatred is a problem.

Argenti Aertheri
Argenti Aertheri
9 years ago
beshemoth
9 years ago

Pillow in Hell: oh. Right. That makes a depressing amount of sense, actually.

(But I still feel it’s like deciding to take up gardening if one vehemently hates nature and all its works, and they can’t stop me from feeling that!)

pillow in hell
pillow in hell
9 years ago

I used to wonder about the stupidity of men who got sucked in to Game. “What’s with thinking wow I really like that girl, I should walk up and insult her”?

Then I started reading the relationship advice for men. Its a pretty broad range, but even the milder stuff has some pretty big issues. The problem is that there’s a veneer of pretty words, its written in a reasonable voice and a lot of guys just want to find something that works and they are frustrated enough to not consider the effects .

Heartiste is at the extreme deep end and makes no bones about his loathing of women. But whether its men or women, a lot of mainstream advice is toxic and self defeating.

leftwingfox
9 years ago

And in any case, Heartiste does a horrible job at making it sound appealing by calling it the “sheer odour” of “man-musk”. Blech.

Ugh. I remember being at a convention (which are already infamous for way too much man-musk). One of the guys seemed to think that heavy amounts of Old Spice negated the need to bathe.

It was like he was smuggling the decomposing corpse of The Man Your Man Could Smell Like under his clothes.

CassandraSays
CassandraSays
9 years ago

I don’t do conventions. Is that actually still a thing? People who have some sort of deep-seated hatred of soap?

pillow in hell
pillow in hell
9 years ago

The insult game also fits right in with male culture. Group of guys together, they lob insulting jokes about each other back and forth and the guy with the best zinger wins. Everyone laughs. So maybe some guys think the same approach will work with women and don’t realize that women are ofter socialized completely differently in this respect.

inurashii
inurashii
9 years ago

Cassandra, it’s not as much of a thing as it used to be but it’s not … not a thing. Most seasoned congoers are aware of the 5/2/1 rule (minimum per day: 5 hours sleep, 2 meals, 1 shower), but not everyone gets the memo.

teiresias
teiresias
9 years ago

If my understanding of what really goes on in meat market bars is true, then PUAs are one of the least self-aware cargo cults of all time. I mean, even the real cargo cults know there isn’t really a John Frum on the way these days, but the PUAs…

mxe354
9 years ago

“women’s natural aversion to abstract thinking beyond immediate, selfish concerns,”

I forgot this. I suppose my passion for philosophy and mathematics is just a way for me to get ahead in life at the expense of others. Makes perfect sense.

@Carleyblue

” And I can usually spot a PUA-type from a mile away. They are irritating as hell. I never bring up gender politics, but they always do in some way: the last one lectured me on how women who study poetry just want to be dominated (lolwut). The best thing is to ignore them, I’ve found.”

Oh, wow. That takes the creepy “all women want to be dominated” bullshit to a whole new level.

CassandraSays
CassandraSays
9 years ago

To put things in perspective, most PUAs would probably interpret “I am a professional dominatrix” as a “dominate me with your sexy alpha insults”.

whataboutthemoonz
9 years ago

I think Heartiste might be right about sporking feminists, but he’s wrong about the name/deed thing.

Let us assume, for a moment, that he does go into public places to pick up women with whom he has sexual relations.

Women who have sex with men they just met are probably not going to be into the slut-shaming thing. This is an explicitly feminist idea, even though many people who agree with it don’t identify as feminists.

Classes started again so I’m busy as a beehive, but I adore you all! 🙂

inurashii
inurashii
9 years ago

@Cassandra,

A lot of non-PUA-identifying male D-types in the Scene do that anyway. 😛

kamilla1960
kamilla1960
9 years ago

CassandraSays
CassandraSays
9 years ago

@ inurashii

Oh yes, I remember those guys very well. Did I ever mention that I once met an actual Gorean at a club? I was torn between epic lulz and vaguely homicidal impulses.

jennydevildoll
9 years ago

Oh, some angry hard-up dork claiming to have a bunch of sex with women that sounds like it never happened? Back of the line.

(P.S. The line goes nowhere)

inurashii
inurashii
9 years ago

I can’t even. This is why my breakup letter with the scene went viral. This shit is not rare.

Halite
9 years ago

Re: cat spaghetti

Our black and white cat has rcently started sleeping *on top* of his brother-from-another-mother Miika. Not sure what that means, but if we can get the third cat in on it, we might be able to make out *own* cat spaghetti 😀

http://www.flickr.com/photos/91967299@N06/8360720692/
http://www.flickr.com/photos/91967299@N06/8389451887/

Serjeant Grumbles
Serjeant Grumbles
9 years ago

You have trouble with non-representative language, don’t you? Is your name Glod Glodsson? Do you say you love gold only to get it into bed? Do you live in Ankh-Morpork? ‘Cos the only person I’d expect to quibble that hard over a metaphor is a dwarf from Discworld.

I have no problem with metaphor and simile. It’s just that I don’t see how cats can even ‘metaphorically’ resemble spaghetti. Whereas they can look like blimps, which is how I always described what I would later find out is more commonly referred to as ‘catloaf.’

Myoo
Myoo
9 years ago

(But I still feel it’s like deciding to take up gardening if one vehemently hates nature and all its works, and they can’t stop me from feeling that!)

“Now, the secret to grow big, juicy, red tomatoes is to dump a load of shit on the things. Now, one thing to bear in mind when eating tomatoes is to cover them in mayonnaise, it hides their horrendous taste and it takes your mind off of the shit they all grow in, the putrid things.”

“Some people might tell you that you should wait until bananas are at least starting to turn yellow, but that’s bullhockey, Science has shown that the best bananas are the small green ones. Now peeling a banana is easy-peasy, just crush the banana in your hand and pick out the smooshy bits from inside the peel.”

“To make sure your flowers aren’t so effin’ gross all the time make sure to trim their stupid leaves and water the goddamn things. Just dump a bucket of water on top of them, I don’t give a crap.”

“Some people say this is an old wives tale, but it really works! To make your plants grow, just scream in rage and hurl abuse at them, it makes them grow nice and green, they’re stupid like that.”

“Fuck trees! They think you’re so high and mighty with their “fruits”, making good men work themselves to the bone to get the best ones that, obviously, they just dangle at the top to torture us. Well fuck that! I don’t need trees and no farmer grows them, and when they do it’s because they’re dumb tree-huggers that have been brainwashed by the FDA. The food pyramid is a LIE!”

Kiwi girl
Kiwi girl
9 years ago

I can’t work out the point of all this PUA shite. It sounds like guys hitting on women they don’t consider worthy of them, because they can’t get the one(s) they actually want. So is there some sort of weird maths thing like:

10 x girls I’m not that interested in = 1 girl I would really like

I don’t see the point of all this PUA stuff. Who cares how many people one has sex with? It’s not like having sex is difficult so you get a knighthood or a Nobel Prize once you have it. It’s not like having sex puts you into a special little club of “people who do it (because 99.999999% of adults aren’t)”. It’s not like getting a great job or promotion depends on how many people you sleep with. And being a nice person and contributing to society in a meaningful way doesn’t even require you to be sexually active.

Given that sex, for many people, is just one aspect of a multivaried life, why privilege the number of times one has sex over, say, how often one has baths (baths being an elective choice over alternatives such as showers) or how often one has ridden a motorcycle (being an elective choice over other forms of transport). It’s like he’s stuck in the mind of a child who knows a little about sex and thinks it’s naughty. Really, he should grow up.

Kiwi girl
Kiwi girl
9 years ago

Damn, repeated myself twice in two paragraphs. 🙁

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