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Heartiste: Chris Brown is a great role model for wannabe alpha males

Chris Brown, who’s convinced that he’s apologized enough for what he calls his “mishap.”

Over on his little chateau, otherwise known as a blog, the pick-up Heartiste Formerly Known as Roissy suggests a rather unusual role model for young and not-so-young men hoping to impress women with their alphaness: Chris Brown. Not for being a charismatic singer, but for that time he nearly beat Rihanna to death.

Oh, you don’t have to literally beat up women to be an alpha. Just work on making them uncomfortable and insecure.

Maxim #19: Making a woman feel a little emotional pain will reward you a thousandfold in returned physical pleasure.

You don’t have to be fists-of-fury Chris Brown to pick up a Rihanna and make her fall in deep, profound love with you, but don’t let the lesson of their relationship be lost on you. If you are a beta male — and odds are you are — you can superglue your relationship bond by instilling in your woman a calculated level of discomfort and insecurity. You won’t feel bad about this, because you will know that the discomfort you create is subconsciously DESIRED by your girl. Despite her outward appearance of frustration and timorous appeasement, you will know that inside, she is lit up like a vagina tree, with a squirting orgasm shooting out of the star on top.

In addition to everything else that is horribly wrong with this quote, let me just say that “lit up like a vagina tree” is not a phrase that I hope works its way into the vernacular.

So far, so good.

 

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Falconer
9 years ago

Oh god.

Sorry, I’m going to have to check out now and go look at cuteoverload because

seriously

keep your woman glued to your side with just a tiny bit of your pimp hand

Jesus

marc2020
marc2020
9 years ago

Again with this guy I must ask actual advise or coded effort to fuck with the people who read his blog? You decide.

princessbonbon
9 years ago

And then what happens when she dumps your ass for someone who is not as big of a jerkface smeghead?

Falconer
9 years ago

Aaaaahhhhhhh…..

Freitag
Freitag
9 years ago

Freitag
Freitag
9 years ago

Brain bleach nap attack:

katz
9 years ago

Here am I with a slobbery 60-lb lap blanket.

Falconer
9 years ago

Oooooohh that feels good…..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=98GzaPrwrfY

Falconer
9 years ago

Shaka, when the walls fell!

Freitag
Freitag
9 years ago

This one is a dead ringer for my kitty when she was a kitten:

Amused
9 years ago

Once again I have to note that Heartiste lacks even the most cursory familiarity with female anatomy. His overwrought metaphors would make an uninitiated person think that girls fuck through their belly buttons. Who knows? Maybe he believes it, too.

Freitag
Freitag
9 years ago

Katz: Daaaaawwwwwwwww…..!!!11!

Hank
Hank
9 years ago

Who does he dislike more women or men? It’s clear to me the only person he has any regard for is himself.

katz
9 years ago

My default video: Oh, the huge manatee!

hellkell
hellkell
9 years ago

Anyone who says PUA isn’t abuse is completely full of shit. In b4 our little fascist PUA apologist rolls up to tell us how wrong and what what prigs we are for calling this mess out.

“Lit up like a vagina tree” needs a t-shirt.

Freitag
Freitag
9 years ago

Falconer
9 years ago

“Lit up like a vagina tree” needs a t-shirt.

I would wear it. I would wear it to work.

Okay, no I wouldn’t really wear it to work.

Freitag
Freitag
9 years ago

Includes a lit-up vagina tree:

hellkell
hellkell
9 years ago

I would wear it. I would wear it to work.

I would too, but only because our office’s dress code is “please be dressed.”

Cliff Pervocracy
9 years ago

Oh, but Hellkell, PUA teaches men confidence and social skills!

Sure, it’s a shame about the rapey and abusey parts, but y’know, it’s not like there’s any ways shy guys could possibly learn confidence and social skills anywhere else on Earth!

Harsh Reality
Harsh Reality
9 years ago
princessbonbon
9 years ago

Sloth love.

leftwingfox
9 years ago

a vagina tree, with a squirting orgasm shooting out of the star on top.

As featured in the rejected sequel to “A Christmas Story.”

Man, I’ve got to stop reading posts with the “heartiste” tag. My imagination is way too vivid and twisted for these sorts of metaphor.

Freitag
Freitag
9 years ago

Kittens are drawn to vagina trees:

clairedammit
clairedammit
9 years ago

I think these guys hate themselves so much that they can only be comfortable with a woman who hates herself more.

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