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Heartiste: Funny like a clown

Heartiste: A sad clown

Always hilarious: painfully unfunny dudes explaining how women just aren’t funny. Over on Chateau Heartiste, the Heartiste formerly known as Roissy drops some (pseudo) SCIENCE on us all:

[C] hicks dig male status, dominance and personality as much as, or more than, they dig male looks. Men, on the other hand, dig beauty first and foremost, and a woman’s comedic timing, however it might make a man laugh, won’t stir his schnitzel if she’s a dog.

Since women don’t see a benefit from humor in the competition to attract men, their sex, on average when compared to men, has not evolved a strong cortical humor module. Women are better equipped to appreciate humor than they are to produce humor.

Apparently, if you use the same words that scientists use – like “cortical” and “module” – that makes it true!

But there is more to this Old Misogynist’s Tale. As Heartiste explains, it’s cruel humor that women appreciate most of all — in their lady regions. In other words, chicks like dicks:

[W]omen become sexually aroused by men who expertly wield the soulkilling shiv of sadism. …

Cruelty that is delivered with supreme confidence, bemused detachment, and eviscerating precision is catnip to women’s kitties.

Get it? Kitties = pussies = VAGINAS.

Ba-dump-tssh! Heartiste is on a roll.

So let’s see some examples of the sort of masterfully eviscerating humor that makes the ladies weak in their knees and gets their “kitties” excited. (Note: By kitties I am, like Heartiste, referring to vaginas. Exciting a woman’s actual kitties is better done with shiny objects and mouse-shaped toys.)

Anyway, here are some of Heartiste’s examples of cruel humor at its most exquisite, which he has helpfully rendered in dialogue form:

Me: Sweetcheeks, look. That bum just winked at you. He wants to take you back to his cardboard box. [waving at bum] Hi, bum!

Her: [struggling to conceal a grin] Shh, stop that. Stop waving. You’re horrible.

Truly, bum-mockery at its finest.

But he’s only getting started:

Me: You want to take a bus? Forget it. [nodding in direction of obese woman] She ate it.

Her: [looking heavenward] Oh my god, I can’t believe you just said that.

Aw yeah. Suggesting that a fat person has just eaten something comically large: comedy gold!

After some further jests on the topics of male boobs (hmm), the size of black men’s cocks, and raping the disabled (yes, really), our hero is in like Flynn, well on his way to all-caps “TRIUMPHAL SEX.”

The way it will usually go down is like this: You revel in your cruelty. She reacts with manufactured disapproval, often stifling laughter. Her vagina moistens. A wave of hidden shame releases a continuous flow of blood to her vaginal walls, maintaining her in a semi-aroused state all day long. Later that night, the floodgates open and you slip in like a lubed eel.

Yipes. That is about as erotic as Gilbert Gottfried reading from 50 Shades of Grey.

I’m pretty sure the only reason Heartiste can maintain his belief that women can’t do cruel humor themselves is that he’s never heard what they say about him once he leaves the room.

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scrapemind
9 years ago

Wut? Not a gamer here, so maybe I’m missing something, but Aryan? Like, Aryan Nations? This person is an honorary white person? O_o

Thanks for giving me a reaction. The phrases “degenerate art” and “honorary Aryan” were used by the Nazis, whose attacks on culture were recently mentioned by Amused. I was playing with the Nazi’s inconsistency in determining what is degenerate.

Unimaginative
Unimaginative
9 years ago

What the fuck was that? You’re playing PUA gas lighting games in a thread on a blog where PUAs are clearly not welcome? Fuck you, dickweasel. Go play with Nazis somewhere else.

scrapemind
9 years ago

OK. I will go.

CassandraSays
CassandraSays
9 years ago

Anyone else starting to think that scrapemind may be an old friend of ours?

Tulgey Logger
Tulgey Logger
9 years ago

how is babby’s conscience formed
how girl get religious

I am glad I was not drinking something when I read this.

cloudiah
9 years ago

“Anyone else starting to think that scrapemind may be an old friend of ours?”

Oh gadzooks.

Unimaginative
Unimaginative
9 years ago

Ugh. I just clicked on Scrapemind’s name, and it took me to his Twitter. Gross. Don’t go there, it’s full of douchiness.

Dracula
Dracula
9 years ago

Anyone else starting to think that scrapemind may be an old friend of ours?

Well I am now.

VoIP
VoIP
9 years ago

Eurosabra? He’s a fascist, but he’s not a racist.

Argenti Aertheri
Argenti Aertheri
9 years ago

VoIP — Mr. Al

And yeah, I rally wouldn’t be surprised.

pecunium
pecunium
9 years ago

I don’t think it’s Mr. Al, it’s too restrained. It’s sort of like Simon or Marc, but still, it’s semi-subtle. He wants to play, “let’s you and them fight”. Mostly we aren’t biting. I’m not seeing anything at all productive to engage.

Argenti Aertheri
Argenti Aertheri
9 years ago

Pecunium — my only experience with Mr. Al was being told that redditers are misogynists because they’re misanthropes (I’m trying to summarize it to something that makes sense, obviously) — he was incredibly boring, but pretty restrained. And you must’ve missed where I challenged scrapemind to guess my gender and he dug up my deviant art — dude’s hit my creep-dar in other words.

2-D Man
2-D Man
9 years ago

I dunno, I find “the practices of conservative Christian organizations are holding back advancement and causing widespread suffering in this country” a whole lot more persuasive than “but zombies aren’t real!”

I would respond, but it doesn’t seem very important right now. Although now that I think about it….
Nononono! Must stop the internet argument, even if I think I’m totally right and you’re totally wrong!

Ithiliana
9 years ago

OT: but zombies!

Mira Grant’s NEWSFLESH trilogy (FEED, DEADLINE, BLACKOUT) is fantastic.

And I don’t read zombie novels

(Don’t have the third, but am now re-reading the first two which I just bought Thursday).

I never saw the “Jesus is a zombie” thing until I started reading over at FTB. It’s….yeah, I don’t see it as a convincing argument, but then it probably wasn’t intended to be.

darksidecat
9 years ago

I for one don’t mind going on zombie related derails.

Any other manga fans out there reading “I Am A Hero” by Hanazawa Kengo? (Minor *Spoilers* in what follows) While a bit slow in the lead up (the slow lead up does contribute to later character building/scenes, but idk it made me a bit frustrated with anticipation), it’s an absolutely brilliant look at the zombie genre (and just absolutely stunning in terms of artistic quality). It’s really a zombie genre fans’ zombie manga, and it manages to be self aware to a large degree without that element of “self reflective for its own sake and the sake of being pompous” quality. It can be compelling horror in some places and absolutely hilarious in others. Also, I like that the protagonist seems to have a mental illness and yet the story isn’t all about his mental illness and it’s not really depicted as making him more violent or anything like that.

pecunium
pecunium
9 years ago

Ithliana: And that one finally broke the top 25 of the NYT bestseller lists. I don’t know if Seannan is ever going to tuckerise me. If she does, well it will be interesting to see how I die.

On the other hand, I’ve not gotten around to reading any of her books.

On the gripping hand, she’s up for four Hugos this year.

S2c
S2c
9 years ago

Wow, looking at this comment thread, you are all a bunch of immature douches. I was actually hoping to see a debate on the blog posting I read, not your bullshit.

I was going to point out that the assertion “chicks dig male status” was not in the least addressed. In my experience it is true.

In fact, there is nothing in this blog that actually attempts to counter anything that the offending author has said go re-read it.

cloudiah
9 years ago

S2c, you make an extremely cogent argument and raise some salient points. (You had me at “you are all a bunch of immature douches.”) You have truly lubed my eel, and stirred my schnitzel. It must be your status that I find so attractive. I hope you’ll stop by again to Rockefeller our oysters, butter our buns, and brown our flaugnarde until the center trembles ever so slightly when touched.

Argenti Aertheri
Argenti Aertheri
9 years ago

S2c — maybe if you didn’t pick a thread with 300+ comments the current topic would make more sense? I mean, did you actually read all the comments before deciding “chicks dig male status” was not addressed? (And did Ruby say it? Because we’ve done that one to death with her)

And why, oh why, do people come here just to say they’re disappointed? Did anyone fucking ask you? Go find some other corner of the internet, there are plenty other blogs you could be reading.

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