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When 5 is 7: Advanced Facebook dating math, according to the dude who actually calls himself “Heartiste”

Cats also think they're all that.

Today, a lesson in advanced Facebook dating mathematics, courtesy of our friend Roissy/Heartiste.

First: fellas, remember that online dating is stacked against us, due to the ability of the ladies to post pictures of themselves looking cute on Facebook – one of the gravest injustices of the modern world. As Heartiste explains, in a post with the bracing title You’ll Need Hard Negs For Facebook Game:

So you’ve got millions of women posting flattering pics of themselves and personal details that are uniformly positive on their FB walls, and you’ve got a bunch of cloying betas feeding the egos of these women even further with painstakingly crafted supportive comments, and you expect to make any headway with tepid game? That is a bitch shield too strong to breach.

But if you must engage the ladies on this unfavorable terrain, remember to adjust your calculations accordingly. As Heartiste explains this new math:

The combination of self-selected profiles and nonstop beta adulation will boost a 5′s self-conception to a 7. Since 5s already have a self-conception of 6 thanks to the phenomenon of female upward dating momentum and the alpha cock carousel, you now have a double-strength bitch shield to bust instead of a single strength.

I’ve prepared a simple chart to illustrate this point:

How to date on Facebook

But wait! There’s more:

Remember, if a 5 believes she’s a 7 (“But I *feel* like a 7!”) she is also going to believe that male 7s are not high enough status for her. Women are not truly happy unless they are dating men 0.5 to 2 sexual market value points higher than themselves.

Five thinks it’s seven. But seven is five. SEVEN IS FIVE!

The reality, of course, is that the male 7 is two full points higher than the female 5. But the Facebook wall has meddled with the primal forces of nature. An unbridgeable chasm brought about by the advance of technology has severed the organically emergent hierarchy of the dating market where there is no escape from soul withering judgments made in mere seconds.

So, as always, the best bet for the modern man is to find some lady in the real world who actually thinks she’s the number she is. Then, simply neg her until she hates herself. That’s how the math is supposed to work.

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hellkell
hellkell
10 years ago

Cassandra, that sounds like an opening to an episode of “Six Feet Under.”

Sharculese
10 years ago

Sharculese, sissy boy has arrived and tries to be intelligent, but he’s no match for me, I pay lumosity.com 200 bucks a year for flash games that scientifically proven enhance my brain power! They say my IQ increased to 175. Try that!

Come on, Sharculese, you loser, why can’t you be a real man, look at your avatar, embarrassing, how can I ever take you seriously? I would knock you out with one hit. Too bad the F-word is banned, you would deserve it.

this is a regular, fakeposting, right? this is way too tailor-made. has david busted out the ip-ometer?

katz
10 years ago

If you take it, make sure to post your score.

CassandraSays
CassandraSays
10 years ago

Hengist? Then again, I suspect anyone who’s really boring and trying too hard of being either Hengist or Simon.

Viscaria
Viscaria
10 years ago

Took katz’ quiz again to get a score. I’m an 11, which I guess means I squeaked by as an alpha, yay! I’m going to go pick up random people in a bar, ttyl.

Would have got another point if I was willing to concede that The Who are the best band, but I couldn’t betray my precious Beatles.

Viscaria
Viscaria
10 years ago

Not that there’s anything wrong with picking people up in a bar. What I should have said is, I’m going to go pick up random people in a creepy and dehumanizing way.

Polliwog
Polliwog
10 years ago

Ooh, I get to be an alpha on Katz’s quiz! I feel so special now. 😉

Caraz
Caraz
10 years ago

It speaks volumes that the part which annoyed me most was that Fluttershy wasn’t considered the best pony.

I think I got an 11 though.

Kendra, the bionic mommy
Kendra, the bionic mommy
10 years ago

Yeah, I was a -4 on Katz’s quiz, making me a classic beta. I lost a lot of points by not understanding the doctor question, and answering “General practitioner”.

katz
10 years ago

Fluttershy was originally a +1, but I didn’t want too many ponies to be worth +1.

Pam
Pam
10 years ago

In addition to being boring, Lian Li is using some sort of IP-hiding service (either that or he/she can teleport from one country to the next in seconds).

Not only that, but his nym is an insult to a damn fine line of computer cases!

Kyrie
Kyrie
10 years ago

katz: I got 9, so I went back to the last question and changed my last answer from “What? Why would you do that? [+0]” to “Who gives a crap, it’s an internet quiz [+2]”
So now I’m an alpha!! (how did you know about my personalities? Now, we’re watching you)

A few points:
Hey, when did blue eyes stopped being pretty??
What’s wrong with red hair? sigh.
You should probably add a answer for those don’t know any pony by their first name.

Pecunium
10 years ago

Brandon, it seems, has been paying attention to the PUA world. I offer into evidence his abiltity to subtley parse the qualities of a neg, as well as the times/manners in which to best use it.

Why am I not surprised.

He also sings two different tunes. On the one hand the “PUA Lifestyle” is about being independent and well groomed so you will be attractive to women, on the other it’s about making a women think so little of herself that any dude who makes a pitch can get into her pants; because women want to get laid, and making them feel like shit makes that easier.

But he likes women, think they should be treated as equals, unless of course that would impinge on Brandon.

@Julie: And how do I know if she spent hours doing her nails? For all I know, they could be kmart press ons.

Do you care? The point, per you, isn’t to actually give a damn about how her nails look but to find some way to needle her, get under her skin, and show that, “she not perfect.”

Which is, you know, insulting. About which you are, you know, bragging.

Pecunium
10 years ago

wow… Dimitri is… special.

The argument that homosexuality is a “normal variant” has been made by several homosexual special interest groups (the same ones spreading the false rumours that heterosexual men can catch HIV).

It seems he’s sort of neutral on gay men, at least in that he thinks they should be left alone, even if he also thinks some stupid shit about what they are like.

There is, of course, this shit at the end. The mind boggles:

We are proud to say that a large percentage of attendees to TORONTO REAL MEN meetings are Metropolitan Toronto Police officers. Therefore, as a show of good faith from Dimitri The Lover, there is a 25% discount afforded to all police and military personelle that pay at the door. The vast majority of female officers are carpet-munchers, so they are especially encouraged to attend. The discount will not be extended to firefighters, because most of them are closet homosexuals that spend all of their down time at the fire hall jerking off to gay porn and jealously leering at each other’s superbly cut bodies as a prelude to participating in homo-erotic activities, before grudgingly having to go back home to their respective wives and closets.

I think that so many Toronto cops attend is the scariest thing he’s said, and may explain slutwalk.

PosterformerlyknownasElizabeth

My score was 0. Mainly because I could not answer several questions.

:/

Pecunium
10 years ago

I got a 10, but I don’t know quite what to do about the car thing. I have a BMW motorcycle, and spare gear.

I also lost points for being ginger.

Viscaria
Viscaria
10 years ago

Yeah, I skipped the car question as I was unsure where my cute little Mazda 2 fit. Although it doesn’t really make a difference, since I’m too terrified to drive the thing. But whatever I AM ALPHA HA HA HA ALL SHALL WORSHIP ME.

Dracula
Dracula
10 years ago

Hey katz, what do I score on the car question if I drive a Toyota Sienna? Keeping in mind that I am totally willing to take the back seats out and help you move.

My overall score is 15 so far.

cynickal
cynickal
10 years ago

I got a 1.
Hopefully I’ll be kept away from other fish, as apperently I’m a Siamese Fighting Fish (Betta Splendens).

Kollege Messerschmitt
10 years ago

Holy shit, I scored 19! I’m a facial Alpha!


for some reason, that makes me feel reall dirty :
BUT PINKIE PIE IS BEST PONY! I REGRET NOTHING!

That was an awesome test, though, katz 😀

Kyrie
Kyrie
10 years ago

Kollage: I need to now if you’re a male alpha or a female one. If it’s the first I will throw myself at you until you dump me for being old (like 25) to make you my baby’s daddy. If it’s the second (or other-gendered), I think it is my duty to key your car. Or your pony if you don’t have a car.

Kyrie
Kyrie
10 years ago

*Kollege. I need to sleep.

Xanthe
Xanthe
10 years ago

Ha. Depending on what day of the week it is, either Pertwee or Tom is my favourite Doctor, which means I am regularly oscillating between:

9: Classic beta. You may increase in value if kept in mint condition.
10: Alpha. You are a psychopath with as many as 50 conflicting personalities in you at once.

Nice. (And, yes, I do consider myself in good, if perhaps not mint, condition)

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