Last night, 540-or-so comments into the Atheist Elevator thread, Ion took a moment to school us all in the cold, hard realities of love in our time. Offering his own formerly flailing but now highly successful sexual career as evidence of this theories, he explained why it’s better to be called creepy than courteous. And apparently, acting like a five-year old will score you heaps of hot poon. Who knew?
As much as I learned from Ion’s autobiographic account, I feel as though there is much more wisdom to be gained from reading the stories of other commenters here. So, using Ion’s tale as a template, I would like to offer the first in what I hope will be a long and successful series of Man Boobz Mad Libs. Simply fill in the blanks in the text below to tell your own tale of heartbreak and triumph, and post your results in the comments below. We will all be the wiser for it.
You know what’s funny? You try to come off as [ ] and [ ], but in fact, I actually used to think like you when I was younger and [ ]. I bought into all the “men are [ ], men are natural [ ]” crap spouted by feminist [ ] and their neutered mangina [ ]. I was concerned about not coming off as [ ] or creepy. I was courteous and [ ] and [ ], I respected women, but I forgot to respect [ ]. And while the [ ] boys, playa gangstas, and abusive [ ]bags were [ ]ing around town with an “I take what I want” attitude and a new [ ] on their [ ] every week, I was hearing “Wow, you’re a great [ ], but I like you as a [ ]. Well, see you later, gotta go have [ ] with the [ ] boyfriend I’ve been complaining to [ ] about!”
So you’re right about the [ ]-puffing part, but not so much about the being [ ]. I’m less [ ] now than I ever was. I put myself [ ]. I don’t apologize for being a [ ]. It took me a while to [ ] up, but I did. And let me tell you, things are better than [ ]. I got my first [ ] after acting ‘inappropriate’ and going for a [ ] the night we first met. A day later, she was the one would wouldn’t [ ] me [ ]. So much for “[ ] give in because of [ ] pressures”, I guess. Second [ ], in college, I [ ] like a five-year old [ ]. Totally out of character, even I was ashamed of my [ ]. Afterwards, she was [ ] me to hang out. Sometime later, I met [ ] I really [ ]. Like an [ ], I decided to play it cool, be [ ], be [ ], take [ ] slowly. Guess what? Zero interest. Learned my lesson then and haven’t [ ] back. As for “friends who will [ ] me”… I don’t know what the [ ] are like where you live, but the [ ] I know just don’t fit your [ ] [ ]. Also, currently half my friends are [ ]. Weird, huh. But uh, keep telling yourself you’re so much better for being a neutered [ ]. I’ll be busy having [ ] in the [ ] world meanwhile.
You know what’s funny? You try to come off as [alpha] and [beta], but in fact, I actually used to think like you when I was younger and [gamma]. I bought into all the “men are [delta], men are natural [epsilon]” crap spouted by feminist [zeta] and their neutered mangina [eta]. I was concerned about not coming off as [theta] or creepy. I was courteous and [iota] and [kappa], I respected women, but I forgot to respect [lambda]. And while the [mu] boys, playa gangstas, and abusive [nu] bags were [omicron]ing around town with an “I take what I want” attitude and a new [xi] on their [pi] every week, I was hearing “Wow, you’re a great [rho], but I like you as a [sigma]. Well, see you later, gotta go have [tau] with the [upsilon] boyfriend I’ve been complaining to [phi] about!”
So you’re right about the [chi]-puffing part, but not so much about the being [psi]. I’m less [omega] now than I ever was. I put myself [a]. I don’t apologize for being a [b]. It took me a while to [c] up, but I did. And let me tell you, things are better than [d]. I got my first [e] after acting ‘inappropriate’ and going for a [f] the night we first met. A day later, she was the one would wouldn’t [g] me [h]. So much for “[i] give in because of [j] pressures”, I guess. Second [k], in college, I [l] like a five-year old [m]. Totally out of character, even I was ashamed of my [n]. Afterwards, she was [o] me to hang out. Sometime later, I met [p] I really [q]. Like an [r], I decided to play it cool, be [s], be [t], take [u] slowly. Guess what? Zero interest. Learned my lesson then and haven’t [v] back. As for “friends who will [w] me”… I don’t know what the [x] are like where you live, but the [y] I know just don’t fit your [z] [alphabet]. Also, currently half my friends are [descriptors]. Weird, huh. But uh, keep telling yourself you’re so much better for being a neutered [are]. I’ll be busy having [friggin’] in the [ridiculous] world meanwhile.
You know what’s funny? You try to come off as [lichi] and [persimmon], but in fact, I actually used to think like you when I was younger and [mangosteen]. I bought into all the “men are [carambola], men are natural [jackfruit]” crap spouted by feminist [citron] and their neutered mangina [dragonfruit]. I was concerned about not coming off as [arugula] or creepy. I was courteous and [zuchinni] and [rapini], I respected women, but I forgot to respect [brassica]. And while the [cauliflower] boys, playa gangstas, and abusive [broccoli]bags were [nappa]ing around town with an “I take what I want” attitude and a new [cabbage] on their [eggplant] every week, I was hearing “Wow, you’re a great [apricot], but I like you as a [nectarine]. Well, see you later, gotta go have [rhubarb] with the [escarole] boyfriend I’ve been complaining to [carrot] about!”
So you’re right about the [kohlrabi]-puffing part, but not so much about the being [turnip]. I’m less [beet] now than I ever was. I put myself [celeriac]. I don’t apologize for being a [scallion]. It took me a while to [chive] up, but I did. And let me tell you, things are better than [leek]. I got my first [rutabaga] after acting ‘inappropriate’ and going for a [yam] the night we first met. A day later, she was the one would wouldn’t [pumpkin] me [cucumber]. So much for “[raspberry] give in because of [lingonberry] pressures”, I guess. Second [gooseberry], in college, I [elderberry] like a five-year old [quince]. Totally out of character, even I was ashamed of my [peach]. Afterwards, she was [apricot] me to hang out. Sometime later, I met [olive] I really [caper berry]. Like an [tomato], I decided to play it cool, be [strawberry], be [apple], take [orange] slowly. Guess what? Zero interest. Learned my lesson then and haven’t [cranberry] back. As for “friends who will [cucumber] me”… I don’t know what the [celery] are like where you live, but the [lettuce] I know just don’t fit your [squash] [melon]. Also, currently half my friends are [mushroom]. Weird, huh. But uh, keep telling yourself you’re so much better for being a neutered [bean]. I’ll be busy having [pea] in the [pear] world meanwhile.
Ooops misspelled zucchini and got cucumber in there twice. Fun anyway.
Haven’t we all?
@Ion,
What “feminist” would that be? Christina Hoff Sommers? Camille Paglia?
You know what’s funny? You try to come off as [misandrist] and [opressed], but in fact, I actually used to think like you when I was younger and [USian ]. I bought into all the “men are [intelligent ], men are natural [custody battle ]” crap spouted by feminist [ pussy pass ] and their neutered mangina [child support ]. I was concerned about not coming off as [ scare quotes ] or creepy. I was courteous and [lying women ] and [spitting], I respected women, but I forgot to respect [ false rape accusation ]. And while the [ cock carousel] boys, playa gangstas, and abusive [thug]bags were [PUA]ing around town with an “I take what I want” attitude and a new [evil cupcake ] on their [ princess] every week, I was hearing “Wow, you’re a great [mangina ], but I like you as a [ fymynyst]. Well, see you later, gotta go have [ divorce ] with the [government] boyfriend I’ve been complaining to [welfare ] about!”
Just got back from kirbywarping around town, did I miss anything?
You know what’s funny? You try to come off as [a sort of half-Jane Russell, half-Squeaky Fromme] and [one-eigth Siberian jumping toad], but in fact, I actually used to think like you when I was younger and [fulla beans]. I bought into all the “men are [jumping toads], men are natural [hemp woven serapes]” crap spouted by feminist [cryptozoologists] and their neutered mangina [hairpies]. I was concerned about not coming off as [Kinicke from Grease] or creepy. I was courteous and [fulla beans] and [a hidey-toes], I respected women, but I forgot to respect [my l’il ding-a-ling]. And while the [rent] boys, playa gangstas, and abusive [Glad]bags were [toddl]ing around town with an “I take what I want” attitude and a new [mini punching bag] on their [keychain] every week, I was hearing “Wow, you’re a great [shoe salesman], but I like you as a [floor manager]. Well, see you later, gotta go have [a fest fest] with the [noodler] boyfriend I’ve been complaining to [Squeaky Fromme] about!”
So you’re right about the [hairpie]-puffing part, but not so much about the being [fulla beans]. I’m less [“same as it ever was”] now than I ever was. I put myself [in a wee l’il mole hole]. I don’t apologize for being a [shoe salesman]. It took me a while to [filler] up, but I did. And let me tell you, things are better than [you]. I got my first [commendation from Harvard] after acting ‘inappropriate’ and going for a [hidey-toes] the night we first met. A day later, she was the one would wouldn’t [fuck] me [gently with a hairpie]. So much for “[Plus-size gas station attendants] give in because of [Funyun] pressures”, I guess. Second [verse, same as the first], in college, I [‘M ENERY THE EIGHTH I AM, ENERY THE EIGHTH I AM I AM] like a five-year old [puddin’ eater]. Totally out of character, even I was ashamed of my [hairpie]. Afterwards, she was [doing the potty dance at me and saying “Don’t you want to hang out? to get] me to hang out. Sometime later, I met [a hairpie] I really [wanted to fill with beans]. Like an [virgin], I decided to play it cool, be [cool], be [Kool and] take [a puff of a Kool] slowly. Guess what? Zero interest. Learned my lesson then and haven’t [slapped] back. As for “friends who will [‘buy shoes from’] me”… I don’t know what the [jumping toads] are like where you live, but the [small amphibians] I know just don’t fit your [Western] [riding boots]. Also, currently half my friends are [fulla beans]. Weird, huh. But uh, keep telling yourself you’re so much better for being a neutered [ENERY THE EIGHTH]. I’ll be busy having [beans] in the [bean] world meanwhile.
If you just put the word “smurf” in all the blanks, you get something quite amazing.
You know what’s funny? You try to come off as amused and mocking, but in fact, I actually used to think like you when I was younger and covered in bees. I bought into all the “men are coffee; men are natural rich, warm, full-bodied blends that can keep you up all night” crap spouted by feminist know-what-I-mean elbowers and their neutered mangina manwiches. I was concerned about not coming across as crawly or creepy. I was courteous and not-spit-stained and possessed of beautiful table manners. I respected women, but I forgot to respect the cosmos, man. And while the fanboys, playa ganstas, and abusive teabags were dancing the coochie conga around town with an “I take what I want” attitude and a new CAR! on their FANTASTIC SHOWCASE! every week, I was hearing “Wow, you’re a great violin player, but I like you as someone who does not actually have to play the violin slightly out of tune in my ear every second, but-no-you’re-great-I-swear, Ow! Well. See you later, gotta go have… coffee… with the currently on fire–and no, absolutely not an excuse I just made up! What gave you that idea?–boyfriend I’ve been complaining to the fire department about!”
You know what’s funny? You try to come off as [Amanda Marcotte] and [Jill], but in fact, I actually used to think like you when I was younger and [Jennifer P]. I bought into all the “men are [Holly], men are natural [Ozymandias]” crap spouted by feminist [Sadie Doyle] and their neutered mangina [Jaclyn Friedman]. I was concerned about not coming off as [Joe] or creepy. I was courteous and [Susie Bright] and [Jezebel], I respected women, but I forgot to respect [Pam]. And while the [Mary] boys, playa gangstas, and abusive [Rob Tisinai]bags were [Echidne]ing around town with an “I take what I want” attitude and a new [Hugo Schwyzer] on their [Thomas] every week, I was hearing “Wow, you’re a great [Dan Savage], but I like you as a [Tintin]. Well, see you later, gotta go have [Kate Beaton] with the [Cara] boyfriend I’ve been complaining to [Jessica Valenti] about!”
So you’re right about the [David Futrelle]-puffing part, but not so much about the being [Ami Angelwings]. I’m less [Melissa McEwan] now than I ever was. I put myself [Samhita]. I don’t apologize for being a [Johnny Pez]. It took me a while to [Cassandra Mogyorody-Cosgrave] up, but I did. And let me tell you, things are better than [Kate Harding]. I got my first [Gabby] after acting ‘inappropriate’ and going for a [Jill] the night we first met. A day later, she was the one would wouldn’t [Ginmar] me [Liz]. So much for “[Mariko Passion] give in because of [Jeff Fecke] pressures”, I guess. Second [Bonnie], in college, I [Ginger] like a five-year old [Rachel McCarthy James]. Totally out of character, even I was ashamed of my [Gloria Steinem]. Afterwards, she was [Carol Adams] me to hang out. Sometime later, I met [Rachel Carson] I really [Val Plumwood]. Like an [Sheila Watt-Cloutier], I decided to play it cool, be [Germaine Greer], be [Marion Zimmer-Bradley], take [Ursula K. Leguin] slowly. Guess what? Zero interest. Learned my lesson then and haven’t [Marjane Satrapi] back. As for “friends who will [Julia] me”… I don’t know what the [Betty Friedan] are like where you live, but the [Andrea Dworkin] I know just don’t fit your [Yoko Ono] [Sarah MacLachlan]. Also, currently half my friends are [Alice Borchardt]. Weird, huh. But uh, keep telling yourself you’re so much better for being a neutered [Philip Pullman]. I’ll be busy having [Jean Auel] in the [Artemisia Gentileschi] world meanwhile.
“During my own college days, misspent in a feminist stronghold ninety miles south of San Francisco, I observed backsliding impulses among even the staunchest “sisters”, a yearning, one might even say craving, for men who weren’t (I often heard them use this word) wimps. Gloria Steinem would go ashen at the sight of this river of liberal-arts cooze virtually throwing themselves at males who hadn’t succumbed to the program and were thus capable of ardor in their fucking, men who were (by feminist definition) pigs. In fact, the weak-willed males, hang-dog looking with scraggly beards and wire-rimmed glasses, so sympathetic to the feminist struggle, received the major share of female contempt. They were tolerated as toadies and taken to bed as cut-rate dildos.”
That’s by Adam Parfrey. He’s a self-appointed troublemaker and an enemy of the religious right (though that’s not absolutely correct b/c it’s more like they decided he was their enemy after he went and did stuff of which they didn’t approve) but I don’t know on what basis he could be described as a feminist. He might be one, but he might as easily be a person who would find that designation objectionable. I have no information either way and would like to hear from somebody who does; b/c when Ion says (in so many words) “Adam Parfrey is a feminist” I become suspicious.
Certainly he sounds here like yet another fellow whose college experiences were unsatisfactory because he discovered that he couldn’t hook up with girls
who werewhom he considered hot enough. (I’m translating freely but I think that’s the gist.)If you just put the word “smurf” in all the blanks, you get something quite amazing.
It’s even better with MONEY.
Had to de-lurk just to try this:
You know what’s funny? You try to come off as Binford and flakes, but in fact, I actually used to think like you when I was younger and Middle Eastern. I bought into all the “men are Neanderthals, men are natural rockshelters” crap spouted by feminist conclusions and their neutered mangina flint. I was concerned about not coming off as ancient or creepy. I was courteous and looting and scraping, I respected women, but I forgot to respect artifacts. And while the interpretive boys, playa gangstas, and abusive research bags were bashing around town with an “I take what I want” attitude and a new site on their science every week, I was hearing “Wow, you’re a great old world, but I like you as a shovel. Well, see you later, gotta go have features with the provenience boyfriend I’ve been complaining to bloody clue about!”
So you’re right about the midden-puffing part, but not so much about the being hinged. I’m less stratigraphic now than I ever was. I put myself in soil. I don’t apologize for being a methodology. It took me a while to culture up, but I did. And let me tell you, things are better than primitive. I got my first Neolithic after acting ‘inappropriate’ and going for a prehistory the night we first met. A day later, she was the one would wouldn’t flint knap me systematically. So much for “rocks give in because of antiquarian pressures”, I guess. Second total station, in college, I excavate like a five-year old primate. Totally out of character, even I was ashamed of my provision. Afterwards, she was transporting me to hang out. Sometime later, I met pyramids I really surveyed. Like a background, I decided to play it cool, be Lord Carnavon, be Indiana Jones, take cultural resource management slowly. Guess what? Zero interest. Learned my lesson then and haven’t microscoped back. As for “friends who will potsherd me”… I don’t know what the photographs are like where you live, but the sea levels I know just don’t fit your Munsell color. Also, currently half my friends are not dinosaurs. Weird, huh. But uh, keep telling yourself you’re so much better for being a neutered history. I’ll be busy having precursors in the evolutionary world meanwhile.
You know what’s funny? You try to come off as “cool like LL Cool J” and “fresh as Ice T”, but in fact, I actually used to think like you when I was younger and “a little girl in Eastern China named Ye with an electric violin and big dreams”. I bought into all the “men are “people who have penises”, men are natural “sperm makers” crap spouted by feminist “scott adams” and their neutered mangina “trans and totally awesome friends”. I was concerned about not coming off as “a guy who really really likes to put ketchup on everything” or creepy. I was courteous and “cruised up in my ’64 Impala” and “sometimes bet on a horse if it’s name was ridiculous enough”, I respected women, but I forgot to respect “women”. And while the “AV club” boys, playa gangstas, and abusive “reusable Urban Oufitters” bags were “fart”ing around town with an “I take what I want” attitude and a new “really nice comment” on their “facebooks” every week, I was hearing “Wow, you’re a great “lay”, but I like you as a “nothing”. Well, see you later, gotta go have “fun” with the “half man, half bear, half pig” boyfriend I’ve been complaining to “al gore” about!”
Just unmoderated some mad-libs by Tuffy and tryptamine.
I think I would like to meet someone who was half Jane Russell and half Squeaky Fromme.
I’ve tried to do an Old Spice themed mad lib, but it’s just not coming. Perhaps someone else will have better luck than me?
Holy crap, somebody already did one with MONEY. Sorry about that.
Anyway, you know what’s funny? You try to come off as Flintstones and Jetsons, but in fact, I actually used to think like you when I was younger and Fat Albert. I bought into all the “men are Groovy Goolies, men are natural Scooby Doo” crap spouted by feminist Super Friends and their neutered mangina Valley of the Dinosaurs. I was concerned about not coming off as Josie and the Pussycats or creepy. I was courteous and Captain Caveman and Funky Phantom, I respected women, but I forgot to respect Grape Ape. And while the Rocky and Bullwinkle boys, playa gangstas, and abusive Devlinbags were Underdogging around town with an “I take what I want” attitude and a new Yogi Bear on their Fearless Fly every week, I was hearing “Wow, you’re a great Atom Ant, but I like you as a Quick Draw McGraw. Well, see you later, gotta go have Wacky Races with the Top Cat boyfriend I’ve been complaining to Magilla Gorilla about!”
So you’re right about the Space Ghost-puffing part, but not so much about the being Mighty Mouse. I’m less Herculoids now than I ever was. I put myself Hong Kong Fooey. I don’t apologize for being a Tom T.H.U.M.B.. It took me a while to Beany and Cecil up, but I did. And let me tell you, things are better than Dudley Do-Right. I got my first Lassie’s Rescue Rangers after acting ‘inappropriate’ and going for a Johnny Quest the night we first met. A day later, she was the one would wouldn’t Roger Ramjet me Snagglepuss. So much for “Peabody and Sherman give in because of pressures”, I guess. Second Casper the Friendly Ghost, in college, I Mr. Magoo like a five-year old Davey and Goliath. Totally out of character, even I was ashamed of my Archie’s Funhouse. Afterwards, she was Schoolhouse Rock me to hang out. Sometime later, I met Speed Racer I really Wait Til Your Father Gets Home. Like a Sealab 2020, I decided to play it cool, be Inch High Private Eye, be Speed Buggy, take Jabberjaw slowly. Guess what? Zero interest. Learned my lesson then and haven’t Clutch Cargo back. As for “friends who will Astro Boy me”… I don’t know what the Dastardly and Muttley are like where you live, but the Aquaman I know just don’t fit your George of the Jungle Cool McCool. Also, currently half my friends are Hoppity Hooper. Weird, huh. But uh, keep telling yourself you’re so much better for being a neutered Drak Pack. I’ll be busy having Danger Mouse in the Gumby world meanwhile.
You know what’s funny? You try to come off as Harry and Hermoine, but in fact, I actually used to think like you when I was younger and Ron. I bought into all the “men are Snape, men are natural Sirius” crap spouted by feminist Nobby and their neutered mangina Dumbledore. I was concerned about not coming off as McGonogal or creepy. I was courteous and Luna and Dudley, I respected women, but I forgot to respect Voldemort. And while the Murtle boys, playa gangstas, and abusive Petunia bags were Freding around town with an “I take what I want” attitude and a new George on their Draco every week, I was hearing “Wow, you’re a great Ginny, but I like you as a Hagrid. Well, see you later, gotta go have Ravenclaw with the Slytherin boyfriend I’ve been complaining to Hufflepuff about!”
“spouted by feminist Nobby” Wow, that confused me for a minute >.<. I did steal his name, didn't I?
@Nobby: Yeah, whenever I read your comments, I imagine them being said in his voice. >>
Wait, wait, wasn’t that Dobby? Or does Nobby show up in a voiced role I’m unfamiliar with?
So you’re right about the Oprah-puffing part, but not so much about the being Warhol. I’m less Brad Pitt now than I ever was. I put myself Zachary Quinto. I don’t apologize for being a Gene Simmons. It took me a while to Martha Stewart up, but I did. And let me tell you, things are better than Russell Crowe. I got my first Robert Downey Jr. after acting ‘inappropriate’ and going for a Gweneth Paltrow the night we first met. A day later, she was the one would wouldn’t Judy Dench me Vin Diesel. So much for “Tom Hanks give in because of Harrison Ford pressures”, I guess. Second Leonard Nimoy, in college, I William Shatner’d like a five-year old Chris Pine. Totally out of character, even I was ashamed of my Daniel Radcliffe. Afterwards, she was Alan Rickmaning me to hang out. Sometime later, I met Christoper Walken, I really Tom Hardy. Like an Ellen Page, I decided to play it cool, be Leonardo Dicaprio, be Joseph Gordon-Levitt, take Christian Bale slowly. Guess what? Zero interest. Learned my lesson then and haven’t Heath Leger’d back. As for “friends who will Helena Bonham Carter me”… I don’t know what the George Clooney are like where you live, but the Levar Burton I know just don’t fit your Patrick Stewart Jonathan Frakes. Also, currently half my friends are Gary Oldman. Weird, huh. But uh, keep telling yourself you’re so much better for being a neutered Natelie Portman. I’ll be busy having Winona Ryder in the Maggie Gyllenhaal world meanwhile.
@Nobby: Oh, crap, you’re right. >< I've actually only seen the latest Harry Potter movie, I'm not actually a fan. 😛
Lol, okay. No worries, I messed up a first too, and I am a fan :-p. There actually is a Nobby mentioned, apparently, but incredibly minor. Ah, well, if it entertains you to read my posts in Dobby’s voice I won’t be offended. Dobby is kind of awesome XD