Categories
alpha males antifeminism bad boys creepy douchebaggery I'm totally being sarcastic mad libs manginas nice guys sex thug-lovers vaginas

Man Boobz Mad Libs #1: Love is a battlefield

Chicago New Wave pioneers Phil 'n' the Blanks (pictured above) want you to FILL IN the blanks.

Last night, 540-or-so comments into the Atheist Elevator thread, Ion took a moment to school us all in the cold, hard realities of love in our time.  Offering his own formerly flailing but now highly successful sexual career as evidence of this theories, he explained why it’s better to be called creepy than courteous. And apparently, acting like a five-year old will score you heaps of hot poon. Who knew?

As much as I learned from Ion’s  autobiographic account, I feel as though there is much more wisdom to be gained from reading the stories of other commenters here. So, using Ion’s tale as a template, I would like to offer the first in what I hope will be a long and successful series of Man Boobz Mad Libs. Simply fill in the blanks in the text below to tell your own tale of heartbreak and triumph, and post your results in the comments below. We will all be the wiser for it.

You know what’s funny? You try to come off as [    ] and [     ], but in fact, I actually used to think like you when I was younger and [          ]. I bought into all the “men are [     ], men are natural [        ]” crap spouted by feminist [      ] and their neutered mangina [       ]. I was concerned about not coming off as [      ] or creepy. I was courteous and [     ] and [       ], I respected women, but I forgot to respect [      ]. And while the [    ] boys, playa gangstas, and abusive [     ]bags were [    ]ing around town with an “I take what I want” attitude and a new [     ] on their [        ] every week, I was hearing “Wow, you’re a great [     ], but I like you as a [        ]. Well, see you later, gotta go have [    ] with the [      ] boyfriend I’ve been complaining to [      ] about!”

So you’re right about the [       ]-puffing part, but not so much about the being [      ]. I’m less [      ] now than I ever was. I put myself [     ]. I don’t apologize for being a [      ]. It took me a while to [      ] up, but I did. And let me tell you, things are better than [     ]. I got my first [         ]  after acting ‘inappropriate’ and going for a [    ] the night we first met. A day later, she was the one would wouldn’t [      ] me [        ]. So much for “[      ]  give in because of [       ] pressures”, I guess. Second [     ], in college, I [      ] like a five-year old [       ]. Totally out of character, even I was ashamed of my [        ]. Afterwards, she was [       ]  me to hang out. Sometime later, I met [         ] I really [      ]. Like an [     ], I decided to play it cool, be [    ], be [    ], take [    ] slowly. Guess what? Zero interest. Learned my lesson then and haven’t [      ] back. As for “friends who will [      ] me”… I don’t know what the [      ] are like where you live, but the [      ] I know just don’t fit your [        ] [        ]. Also, currently half my friends are [        ]. Weird, huh. But uh, keep telling yourself you’re so much better for being a neutered [       ]. I’ll be busy having [    ] in the [     ] world meanwhile.

 

136 Comments
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Raoul
Raoul
10 years ago

I know. I’m also a corrosive cynic, so I like to think it all kinda cancels out.

tryptamine
tryptamine
10 years ago

For Amnesia:

You know what’s funny? You try to come off as Elefanter and New Amsterdam, but in fact, I actually used to think like you when I was younger and Gulf Coast Ghosts. I bought into all the “men are Funky Dollar Bills, men are natural The Softest Voice” crap spouted by feminist Basements and their neutered mangina Eye. I was concerned about not coming off as Beat On The Brat or creepy. I was courteous and Just Another Weekend and Merry Christmas, Baby, I respected women, but I forgot to respect The Score. And while the Voices of June boys, playa gangstas, and abusive Mind How You Walkbags were Witnessing around town with an “I take what I want” attitude and a new To Be on their Wolkenkrabber every week, I was hearing “Wow, you’re a great I Wouldn’t Trade Christmas, but I like you as a Snowmen Have Hearts. Well, see you later, gotta go have Backdrifts with the Mi Homlan Dadale boyfriend I’ve been complaining to The Hook about!”

So you’re right about the Never Change-puffing part, but not so much about the being Ribs Make Walls. I’m less In A Delightful Boudoir now than I ever was. I put myself Her Name Was Hula Lou. I don’t apologize for being The Naked Room. It took me a while to Stuck Inside Of Mobile With The Memphis Blues Again up, but I did. And let me tell you, things are better than The Christmas Waltz. I got my first Of The Father’s Love Begotten after acting ‘inappropriate’ and going for a Hit The Plane Down the night we first met. A day later, she was the one would wouldn’t This Room Is Open me Stranger. So much for “Last Day of Magic give in because of Extra Geese pressures”, I guess. Second Dilaudid, in college, I Downs like a five-year old Stars Flames Sparks. Totally out of character, even I was ashamed of my Mercury. Afterwards, she was Maine Island Lovers me to hang out. Sometime later, I met High-Pitched Drone 1 I really How Can We Dance If I Cannot Waltz. Like an Christmas In Jail – Ain’t That A Pain, I decided to play it cool, be Lullibox Sleepybye, be Smelling Limes In Winter, take New Bird II slowly. Guess what? Zero interest. Learned my lesson then and haven’t Forward Unto Zion back. As for “friends who will City of New Orleans me”… I don’t know what the Zafa are like where you live, but the Swedish Christmas Medley I know just don’t fit your Contemplating The Observatory . Also, currently half my friends are Kenimania. Weird, huh. But uh, keep telling yourself you’re so much better for being a neutered Quinn the Eskimo. I’ll be busy having Nay Taksim in the Day Dream world meanwhile.

___

The bands, in order, if anyone cares to nerd out about it like I like to:
Kent
Zola Jesus
Sharkiface
Funkadelic
Animal Collective
?
Madvillain
The Ramones
Alphabet Planet
Lou Rawls
Fugees
Dopo
Leroy Brown
Cyndi Lauper
John Coltrane
Machienfabriek
Frank Sinatra
Provo/Howl
Radiohead
Orchestre Polyrhythmo de Cotonou Dahomey
Akiyama Corcoran Keifer
Jay-Z
Alligator Crystal Moth
Godseye
Carolina Tar Heels
Queen Victoria
Bob Dylan
Nancy Wilson
John Fahey
Pavement
Sparkling Wide Pressure
The Lovejoys
The Kills
Altar Eagle
The Mountain Goats
Belly Boat
Wax Ghost
Julian Lynch
Okkervil River
Soccer Committee & Machinefabriek
Rabih Abou-Khalil
Leroy Carr
Ctephin Family Orchestra
Osso Bucco
Noah Anthony
The Abyssinians
Arlo Guthrie
Music of Islam
Choral Arts Northwest
Panabrite
Mono Mono
Bob Dylan
Music of Islam
Smashing Pumpkins

Johnny Pez
10 years ago

@ tryptamine

You know what? I don’t apologize for being The Naked Room either.

darksidecat
10 years ago

@Raoul

“Consider the bigger picture:
1. Intelligent people have already all but stopped reproducing.”
Prove that. No, seriously, prove that. Rich white westerner does not equal more intelligent.

“2. The birthrate thus depends on stupid game-playing male/female archetypes.”
Prove 1, then prove that there are only two mutually exclusive groups, the “intelligent” and “game-playing archetypes”.

“3. If we in the West don’t keep forming babby, our overthrow by world Islamism is imminent.”
Islam is not genetic. Wow, glad we cleared that up.

Nobby
10 years ago

@darksidecat I think (though I’m not sure), that Raoul is being extremely snarky. Especially with the babby bit.

Sarah
Sarah
10 years ago

Oh man. I feel like kind of a dolt for not spotting the forming babby’s line. We have another poe-troll?

Man. Our web of trolls is so complicated!

Pecunium
10 years ago

This the funny part: luke123: Thanks, I got a chuckle out of those. They ring true, pretty much. Self-hating men with Stockholm syndrome. They’re also probably the type of men who get off on ‘cuckolding’ and ‘humiliation’ fantasies

That’s pure projection. Ion can’t know what feminist men are actually like/fond of, so he imagines things he thinks are demeaning as being our “fantasies”.

But we do know what our fantasies are. If they are what he imagines, then so what… it’s not as if his opinion matters to us. If they aren’t, we get to laugh at the ways he has to imagine us as, “weak”, or “debased”.

And all the while, he has to deal with people here laughing themselves silly at the nonsense he spouted, and being amused at the ways in which he’s passing it off as not bothering him.

Which would be a lot more believable, if he’d not said a word.

Raoul
Raoul
10 years ago

“Nobby | July 9, 2011 at 12:55 am

@darksidecat I think (though I’m not sure), that Raoul is being extremely snarky. Especially with the babby bit.”

Bing! Snark was my intent. Is that = trolling in the boobzverse? See below…

“Sarah | July 9, 2011 at 1:19 am

Oh man. I feel like kind of a dolt for not spotting the forming babby’s line. We have another poe-troll?

Man. Our web of trolls is so complicated!”

Perhaps I missed something in the FAQ. I forget…is there a FAQ?

What I am is:

– an omega feminist cis het male.
– a recovering Nice Guy™, self-medicating thru snark and thru hating some men instead of all women.
– a conflicted Hegelian-Nietszchean. I believe that the individual is precious and magical, but can only realize hi/r full humanity in a context of dehumanizing socio-institutional bullshit.

Nobby
10 years ago

@Raoul Part of the issue is that, as this site serves to dig up the worst kinds of misogyny, we get some really legit crazy trolls (see also=NWOSlave and AWS). So sometimes it’s hard to tell at first glace when someone is actually just being snarky. But i think what Sarah meant by a poe-troll is that you were pretending to be a troll, not that you actually are a troll.

And there is a comments policy at the top, but you haven’t done anything outside of it, so no worries.

Marc
Marc
10 years ago

Islam is not genetic. Wow, glad we cleared that up.

It isn’t, but childhood indoctrination is the number 1 cause for the belief in Islam (or any religion?), not later conversion, so it’s a very comparable effect.

And try to deconvert a Muslim, good luck…

summer_snow
summer_snow
10 years ago

You know what’s funny? You try to come off as [big] and [bad], but in fact, I actually used to think like you when I was younger and [hairy]. I bought into all the “men are [wolf-criers], men are natural [horn-blowers]” crap spouted by feminist [wolves] and their neutered mangina [sheep]. I was concerned about not coming off as [piggy] or creepy. I was courteous and [basket-carrying] and [flower-picking], I respected women, but I forgot to respect [my mother’s advice to stay on on the path]. And while the [shepherd] boys, playa gangstas, and abusive [goat]bags were [bleat]ing around town with an “I take what I want” attitude and a new [bonnet] on their [Bo Peep] every week, I was hearing “Wow, you’re a great [goat impersonator], but I like you as a [fur rug]. Well, see you later, gotta go have [a pat of butter] with the [piggy] boyfriend I’ve been complaining to [my grandmother] about!”

So you’re right about the [huff]-puffing part, but not so much about the being [able to blow my house down]. I’m less [unmaimed] now than I ever was. I put myself [down the chimney]. I don’t apologize for being a [carnivore]. It took me a while to [chinny-chin chin] up, but I did. And let me tell you, things are better than [bacon]. I got my first [dramatic comeuppance] after acting ‘inappropriate’ and going for a [house full of pigs] the night we first met. A day later, she was the one would wouldn’t [let] me [in]. So much for “[pigs] give in because of [high wind] pressures”, I guess. Second [time I got horribly maimed], in college, I [tried to eat seven goat kids] like a five-year old [wolf pretending to be their mother]. Totally out of character, even I was ashamed of my [just desserts]. Afterwards, she was [stuffing me full of rocks and drowning] me to hang out. Sometime later, I met [a girl in a red cloak] I really [hungered for]. Like an [innocent botanist], I decided to play it cool, be [a wolf in sheep’s clothing], be [helpful], take [the chance to race to her grandmother’s house while advising her to pick flowers] slowly. Guess what? Zero interest. Learned my lesson then and haven’t [grown the fur] back. As for “friends who will [impersonate] me”… I don’t know what the [billy goats] are like where you live, but the [trolls] I know just don’t fit your [tiny] [bridge]. Also, currently half my friends are [eaten]. Weird, huh. But uh, keep telling yourself you’re so much better for being a neutered [toll-payer]. I’ll be busy having [greener grass] in the [troll-free] world meanwhile.

1 4 5 6
%d bloggers like this: