Last night, 540-or-so comments into the Atheist Elevator thread, Ion took a moment to school us all in the cold, hard realities of love in our time. Offering his own formerly flailing but now highly successful sexual career as evidence of this theories, he explained why it’s better to be called creepy than courteous. And apparently, acting like a five-year old will score you heaps of hot poon. Who knew?
As much as I learned from Ion’s autobiographic account, I feel as though there is much more wisdom to be gained from reading the stories of other commenters here. So, using Ion’s tale as a template, I would like to offer the first in what I hope will be a long and successful series of Man Boobz Mad Libs. Simply fill in the blanks in the text below to tell your own tale of heartbreak and triumph, and post your results in the comments below. We will all be the wiser for it.
You know what’s funny? You try to come off as [ ] and [ ], but in fact, I actually used to think like you when I was younger and [ ]. I bought into all the “men are [ ], men are natural [ ]” crap spouted by feminist [ ] and their neutered mangina [ ]. I was concerned about not coming off as [ ] or creepy. I was courteous and [ ] and [ ], I respected women, but I forgot to respect [ ]. And while the [ ] boys, playa gangstas, and abusive [ ]bags were [ ]ing around town with an “I take what I want” attitude and a new [ ] on their [ ] every week, I was hearing “Wow, you’re a great [ ], but I like you as a [ ]. Well, see you later, gotta go have [ ] with the [ ] boyfriend I’ve been complaining to [ ] about!”
So you’re right about the [ ]-puffing part, but not so much about the being [ ]. I’m less [ ] now than I ever was. I put myself [ ]. I don’t apologize for being a [ ]. It took me a while to [ ] up, but I did. And let me tell you, things are better than [ ]. I got my first [ ] after acting ‘inappropriate’ and going for a [ ] the night we first met. A day later, she was the one would wouldn’t [ ] me [ ]. So much for “[ ] give in because of [ ] pressures”, I guess. Second [ ], in college, I [ ] like a five-year old [ ]. Totally out of character, even I was ashamed of my [ ]. Afterwards, she was [ ] me to hang out. Sometime later, I met [ ] I really [ ]. Like an [ ], I decided to play it cool, be [ ], be [ ], take [ ] slowly. Guess what? Zero interest. Learned my lesson then and haven’t [ ] back. As for “friends who will [ ] me”… I don’t know what the [ ] are like where you live, but the [ ] I know just don’t fit your [ ] [ ]. Also, currently half my friends are [ ]. Weird, huh. But uh, keep telling yourself you’re so much better for being a neutered [ ]. I’ll be busy having [ ] in the [ ] world meanwhile.
@tetragami–nice!
ssssssssmoneyssssssssss
Also, currently half my friends are imaginary.
Treading a little close to the truth there, Doctress. Ion won’t thank you for it.
You know what’s funny? You try to come off as Netflix and BestBuy, but in fact, I actually used to think like you when I was younger and Wal-Mart. I bought into all the “men are Trader Joe’s, men are natural Whole Foods” crap spouted by feminist Staples and their neutered mangina Office Depots. I was concerned about not coming off as Kohl’s or creepy. I was courteous and Target and IKEA, I respected women, but I forgot to respect Foot Locker. And while the Bed Bath and Beyond boys, playa gangstas, and abusive Payless bags were Starbucking around town with an “I take what I want” attitude and a new Big Lots on their Redbox every week, I was hearing “Wow, you’re a great Banana Republic, but I like you as a Gap. Well, see you later, gotta go have Barnes and Noble with the 7-11 boyfriend I’ve been complaining to Home Depot about!”
You know what’s funny? You try to come off as [Shelties] and [Poodles], but in fact, I actually used to think like you when I was younger and [Chow Dog]. I bought into all the “men are [Labradors], men are natural [Newfoundlands]” crap spouted by feminist [Samoyeds] and their neutered mangina [Dobermans]. I was concerned about not coming off as [Cocker Spaniel] or creepy. I was courteous and [Pit Bull] and [American Eskimo], I respected women, but I forgot to respect [Basset Hounds]. And while the [Beagle] boys, playa gangstas, and abusive [Maltese]bags were [Corgi]ing around town with an “I take what I want” attitude and a new [Dachshund] on their [Australian Cattle Dog] every week, I was hearing “Wow, you’re a great [St. Bernard], but I like you as a [Airdale]. Well, see you later, gotta go have [Pug] with the [Afghan Hound] boyfriend I’ve been complaining to [Akita] about!”
So you’re right about the [Bearded Collie]-puffing part, but not so much about the being [Malinois]. I’m less [Belgian Tervuren] now than I ever was. I put myself [English Bulldog]. I don’t apologize for being a [Cairn Terrier]. It took me a while to [Cavalier King Charles Spaniel] up, but I did. And let me tell you, things are better than [Dalmatian]. I got my first [German Shepherd] after acting ‘inappropriate’ and going for a [English Setter] the night we first met. A day later, she was the one would wouldn’t [Irish Setter] me [French Bulldog]. So much for “[Glenn of Imaal Terrier] give in because of [Golden Retriever] pressures”, I guess. Second [Great Dane], in college, I [Great Pyrenees ] like a five-year old [Hovawart]. Totally out of character, even I was ashamed of my [Irish Wolfhound]. Afterwards, she was [Italian Greyhound] me to hang out. Sometime later, I met [Jack Russell Terrier] I really [Keeshond ]. Like an [Karelian Bear], I decided to play it cool, be [Kuvasz], be [Kyi-Leo], take [Lhasa Apso] slowly. Guess what? Zero interest. Learned my lesson then and haven’t [Lowchen] back. As for “friends who will [Mastiff] me”… I don’t know what the [Middle Asian Shepherd Dog] are like where you live, but the [Norfolk Terrier] I know just don’t fit your [ Nova Scotia Duck Trolling Retriever] [Old English Sheepdog]. Also, currently half my friends are [Papillon ]. Weird, huh. But uh, keep telling yourself you’re so much better for being a neutered [Pekingese]. I’ll be busy having [Peruvian Inca Orchid] in the [Rat Terrier] world meanwhile.
Oh, shit!
@MRAL: if the women on this blog are stating repeatedly that Ion’s method of approaching women is creepy, maybe you should listen the actual women, and not Ion.
Hippodameia, your obvious prejudice against Bernese Mountain Dogs will win you no friends here.
I know- duh, ya think? LOL
Well, sarah e, the women on this blog are just, y’know, women. What do they know?
I know, hey- it’s just because then they’d be LISTENING to a woman! (gasps)
Maybe if y’all MRAs hate women so much, and can’t get them to like you (awww!) you should try dating men. Oh, you’re straight as an arrow? (ahem)
Well, guess y’all are fucked. Or not, as the case seems to be… XD
@sarahejones:
“@MRAL: if the women on this blog are stating repeatedly that Ion’s method of approaching women is creepy, maybe you should listen the actual women, and not Ion.”
Given the fact that most of what passes for thought among MRAs is devoted to the idea that women are inherently stupid, capricious, childish, untrustworthy and pretty much downright evil, it’s not very likely they’ll ever listen to anything any woman has to say. Their whole worldview is predicated almost entirely on the concept that they are above women in every way, so any attempt to say otherwise or imply that they’re not all perfect little snowflakes isn’t just wrong it’s a direct personal attack against them. They have to respond, as strongly and angrily as possible, or else there’s that pesky “If you were a REAL MAN you’d be doing what we do!” thing again. I’d be willing to bet that most of them didn’t even bother to watch the video at all to see what Rebecca Watson really said and some of those probably didn’t even read Dawkins’ Intro to Entitled White Guy 101. They just saw which side the feminists were on and picked the opposite side.
Or you could try to purge that hatred for yourselves and for women from yourselves, and maybe have a nicer time of things… in the lady department.
Oh, another point, who bets that Ion’s unsourced “a feminist” is probably a quote from an antifeminist website?
MertvayaRuka: Yep, what you said, too.
@darksidecat:
“Oh, another point, who bets that Ion’s unsourced “a feminist” is probably a quote from an antifeminist website?”
A sucker bet if I ever saw one. 🙂
darksidecat, I googled it, and it seems to be from the zine “Answer Me” which is (well, was) about as feminist as NWOslave.
@David Futrelle:
“darksidecat, I googled it, and it seems to be from the zine “Answer Me” which is (well, was) about as feminist as NWOslave.”
Oh, you mean proto-troll, abuser and rape apologist Jim Goad’s shock rag. What a surprise. If there was ever a whiny, entitled Real Man™ bursting at the seams with misplaced bullying rage, Goad is it.
I tried to do the mad lib thing but really, nothing came to mind.
Two great tastes that taste great together:
You know what’s funny? You try to come off as US American and like such as, but in fact, I actually used to think like you when I was younger and the Iraq. I bought into all the “men are everywhere, like such as, men are natural maps,” crap spouted by feminist US Americans and their neutered mangina education like such as in South Africa. I was concerned about not coming off as unable to do so or creepy. I was courteous and, uh, and I personally believe as US Americans I respected women, but I forgot to respect the Iraq. And while the Iraq and Asian boys, playa gangstas, and abusive mapbags were personally believing around town with an “I take what I want” attitude and a new education over here on their maps every week, I was hearing “Wow, you’re a great Iraq, but I like you as a South Africa. Well, see you later, gotta go have maps with the Iraq boyfriend I’ve been complaining to some people out there, in our nation about! Like such as.
In a pinch, any list of 55 words will do.
I apologize to the Bernese Mountain Dog community! You are lovely and wonderful doggies and I am sorry that I slighted you. 🙂
@David
You forgot “for our children.”
David – OMG that was awesome! Best one yet! Like such as!
I have to get this off my chest.
I am WAY too pleased with myself for having provoked this from Ion. I had no idea it would become something everyone here could enjoy but I’m quite happy it did. 🙂