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Don’t Trust Any Vagina Over Twenty-five

Marilyn Monroe, 8 years past her expiration date.

In the spring, a young man’s fancy lightly turns to thoughts of love. And, at least if he’s straight, vaginas. Even if this young man happens to be a not-so-young man, and one who is defiantly Going His Own Way and thus theoretically immune to the vagina’s siren song. At least that’s the case with one regular over on the Happy Bachelors forum who recently set forth some intriguing theories on vaginas. Specifically, vaginas older than 25. What “Superbad” calls his “Golden Vagina Rule” is pretty simple: “Don’t trust any vagina over 25.” As he explained in a recent thread:

Social commentary written (or spoken) by a woman whose vagina is over 25 years old can be considered mostly bullshit. Null and void. And here is why. You cannot expect a woman, whose primary function is to make babies (aka attract men), to be anything but bitter or dishonest after her eggs and looks start to go. …

And why is this? According to Superbad,

when a woman’s sexuality declines (whored out, dried up vagina, menopause, postpartum depression, psychologically-induced frigidity, insanity, etc.) that she starts blaming men and talking a lot of hate and nonsense.

Just a few quick notes here: Female sexuality is not a finite resource; you cannot use it up by having sex on a regular basis. Nor do vaginas dry up like dead flowers when a woman passes the age of 25. Generally speaking, when a woman is interested in having sex with you, and you don’t just shove your dick in her without so much as a “how do you do,” lubrication is not a problem. If it is, for whatever reason, you can purchase bottles of lubricant at the local drug store. (This is also, FYI, how people are able to have butt sex.) Also, the average age of menopause is 51, not 25; though many believe menopause kills libido and “dries up” the vagina, this is probably a myth.

Oh, and also: mocking women for aging and/or suffering postpartum depression is not just a douchey thing to do, it’s practically psychopathic. Yes, physical beauty fades – eventually – for women and men alike. But having a complete and utter lack of empathy for your fellow human beings is an unattractive quality at any age. Speaking of unattractive beliefs, let’s continue:

The down side of people living longer, is that most women are going to be ugly for vast majority of their lives. That is obviously going to breed resentment and animosity. A woman’s time in the sun is brief. A man becomes more powerful with age. But a woman never gets any prettier. … Feminism has become a way for the uglier, older, less-fertile women to CONTROL young, virile girl’s orgasms and their sexuality.

At this point I feel I should remind Mr. Bad that the word “virile” actually means “manly,” in a general sense; more specifically, it means “capable of functioning as a male in copulation.” If you are interested in women with such capability — hey, let your kink flag fly! – there are several options available to you. (One of them may involve the purchase of equipment; they will all involve the lube I spoke of earlier.)  If this isn’t what you want, you may wish to reword your post, and perhaps any dating profiles you may have put up on DoucheMatch.com or PlentyOfCompleteFuckingAssholes or wherever the fuck you may have put them up, so as to ward off any possible confusion on this point.

Superbad continues:

If you think women hate men; trust me, they’d just assume [sic] claw each others eyes out. And here is where a happy bachelor differs. Older men don’t feel the need to compete with younger men. Older men feel a bond with younger men. It is our duty to teach them and pass down any knowledge. We live in a world where the enemy is no longer a bear or tribal war. The enemy is packaged as pretty as a peacock: MARRIAGE. It is a way to sell the old vagina.

Yuck! Send that old hag to Carrousel!

Let’s try to work out the logic here. According to Superbad, marriage is a dastardly plot by evil feminists to bind men to vaginas over the age of 25, and presumably the women hosting them as well, who by definition are dried-up, whored-out ugly monsters (both the women and the vaginas, presumably).

Feminists are also trying to “CONTROL” the sexuality of young, fertile (yet also virile) women/vaginas, presumably by keeping them from having sex with … Superbad, who, as a Man Going His Own Way, doesn’t even want to be with women in the first place?

The ideal world, evidently, is one in which men of all ages get to have sex with under-25 vaginas (and their women), and are free to reject outright all women/vaginas older than that. In order to accommodate men of all ages, of course, these young women/vaginas will have to have sex with lots of different men. This will, of course, make them, by Superbad’s reckoning, “whores.”

Forget the old virgin-whore dichotomy; in Superbad’s sexual utopia all women/vaginas will pass through three stages: starting out virgins, they will, for a brief period in their late teens and early twenties, be whores; then, after the age of 25, they will be consigned to the whore-heap of history and become hags.

Superbad has it all figured out.  And, as he explains in another comment, these poor gals will have no one but the feminists to blame:

[N]on-fertile women (read: ugly, old, bitchy) are always mad when they see young girls worshiping our cocks… old habits die hard. women are lazy. feminism requires women to get off their fat asses, work, and compete with smarter/stronger beings. most get a taste of “feminism”: working retail and getting fvcked/chucked monthly… and then end up online, looking for a “real man”. but, unfortunately, all the boys that the last generation of femi-turds raised are wimps. so, ladies, here is the game plan. get on your knees when young (so we can rent your mouth and vagina) and THEN, later, wise up, get angry, and MAN UP… and live alone with your cats. Feel free to get online as an old bat and “school” us men. LOL

Yes, Superbad has appended a “LOL” to the tail end of his comment, as if it were some sort of Internet-age equivalent to the more traditional Q.E.D. (Pro-tip: It’s not.) Still, his comments did make me LOL a little, or at least chuckle quietly to myself. Not with you, Superbad. At you.

NOTE: If you didn’t get that reference to “carrousel” earlier, perhaps this scene from Logan’s Run will jog your memory:

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JenniferP
JenniferP
11 years ago

Correction. HERE is the slideshow of people at various BMIs.

Rabbit
Rabbit
11 years ago

Here’s a link to “Notes from the Fatosphere” feed: http://feeds.feedburner.com/FatFuNotesFromTheFatosphere

And here’s the “FatChat” feed: http://feeds2.feedburner.com/fatChat

To those upholding BMI and talking negatively about fat people: Please read up on some fatosphere blogs. There are many linked in the above feeds. My favorite is “Dances With Fat” (http://danceswithfat.wordpress.com/blog/).

Can we please go back to talking about MRAs now?

katz
11 years ago

David: Good reminder. I hope my last post didn’t make it sound like I thought losing weight was an easy thing anyone can do; I should have appended a caveat.

Avicenna: You’re talking like being a doctor gives you the right to dictate how everyone else should act. At most, being a doctor gives you the authority to make recommendations to your own patients about what they should do if they want to be healthier. Big difference.

Leely
Leely
11 years ago

Delurking to say…woo-hoo, Captain Awkward!

Hide and Seek
Hide and Seek
11 years ago

“Cuddling the people who need things doing just isn’t as healthy and productive as you think it is.”

I know this isn’t what you meant, but I would argue cuddling is almost universally healthy and productive.

JenniferP
JenniferP
11 years ago

@Hide and Seek, cuddling is great!

Also, if by coddling, Avicenna means “treating fat adult humans as if they are adult humans” vs. “having a moral duty to make sure fat humans are harped on, blamed, and shamed sufficiently for their own good at every possible opportunity,” I choose coddling. Coddle away!

Pecunium
11 years ago

JenniferP: I agre, hide-and-seek cuddling is Great! 🙂

Avicenna
11 years ago

Katz: I suppose I am a lazy medic, I feel that it is a lot easier to prevent rather than cure. A little pain now saves a lot later. BMI is perfectly fine, the issue is BMI doesn’t detect all the people who are obese. BMI detected “obese people” are generally obese by all the other markers.

If you want to do whatever you want to your body, you can do so. But people were defending obesity by knocking on a system that works which encourages people to not listen to trained medical professionals.

That’s like smokers complaining about spirometers being biased against them. The tool is fine, it is the people being tested who have the issue.

JenniferP: There aren’t “Diets” there is “Diet”. Seriously, the problem is that there are people called nutritionists and there are people called dieticians. Dieticians are the scientists, the nutritionists are quacks with strange diets.

As for the project photos…

The argument for the BMI Project is “But these people are normal looking and attractive! How can they be overweight?” People like defending the way that they look. No one likes to be told that they are at fault for something.

If we busted out a body fat meter, 99% of those people would be considered fat and the person who runs the project would look rather daft. It would be really medical too with fancy technology and what not.

We like wailing on the system because it is mathematical rather than “sciencey”. Any one can do it and work it out and you don’t need someone with amazing training to do it. There is no technology bar a calculator and a measuring tape. And hell if you are good with the math you can do it on a piece of paper with a pen.

It’s a great guideline. It works rather neatly and it is extremely sound. If you don’t believe it go ask for a body fat percentage meter to check out results. You would be utterly surprised as to how closely they match.

The BMI project is basically standing up and stating “These people look fine to me so they must be fine! Damn those BMI facists and their medical statistics.”

Photographs are not an accurate judge of BMI since you can take photographs to alter height and indeed wear clothes that alter perception of your size.

PosterformerlyknownasElizabeth
PosterformerlyknownasElizabeth
11 years ago

Reading Avicenna’s last post reminded me of this little guy for some reason.

Plymouth
Plymouth
11 years ago

Avicenna – This isn’t a health blog, it’s an anti-misogyny blog. Saying “fat women are ugly and I hate them” is in fact misogyny (yes I realize you didn’t say that but others here have). Defending it by saying “oh and by they way they’re unhealthy and will die prematurely” doesn’t make it somehow not misogyny. Do you honestly think you’re helping be being the 345th person to rail against the health risks of being fat? Gosh, yes, all us fat people are just fat from the lack of well-meaning strangers on the internet telling us to lose weight! Puh-leeze. (I’ve lost weight before. And gained it back. And I’ll probably do it again. So I know from experience that it does actually take sustained effort that is something I can’t work on ALL THE TIME MY WHOLE LIFE. Or rather I could but only at the expense of other things suffering. I try to live my life as a whole person, not a perpetual diet machine.)

You also clearly didn’t look very long at the BMI project because that is so not the message of it. They show “overweight” people, “obese” people, “normal” people and “underweight” people (and quite a few in those last two categories). The message is more like “you can’t tell what BMI a person is just by looking at them”. Which is kinda what a bunch of people here have been saying. If someone wants to not fuck “fat chicks” that’s totally cool, but arbitrarily saying that means anyone with a BMI of over 25 is ridiculous because you can’t bloody tell by looking at them!

Avicenna
11 years ago

Ah! I was looking at it going “Well if she has a BMI above 30 then she probably is obese, arguing against it is rather daft!”.

It is easier to tell obese from normal visually than overweight and underweight since those are borderline.

I am trying to defend the actual BMI thing as a medical judge of weight rather than as a system of attraction. Using it to determine who is fat visually is impossible unless you have secret weight determination powers (Perhaps you are a professional hangman? I don’t know!)

And as I have stated before, I used to be obese myself. I used those excuses too so I know the various arguments.

Plymouth
Plymouth
11 years ago

Avicenna – When you were obese did you have trouble getting laid? More so than now?

Cerien
Cerien
11 years ago

Something that always bewilders me: who WOULDN’T choose cats over wet tarps like this?

Atl
Atl
9 years ago

Don’t Trust Any Penis Over Twenty-one

x
x
9 years ago

Superbad must be a teenager. I can’t imagine anyone who isn’t a teenager having such an odd view about age.

Joe
Joe
9 years ago

Some people are fucked in the head and don’t know how to connect sexually with a person. Women are always able to please a man, at nearly any older age. Here’s to beautiful women and their awesomeness into their middle and even older age. Cheers to all you middle-aged and older women, thank you, and thank you for staying wet when in love, because that’s what matters to real men… passion!

titianblue
titianblue
9 years ago

Piss off, troll!

hellkell
hellkell
9 years ago

Thanks for digging up an old thread to drop your tired shit in, Joe.

creepycupcake
creepycupcake
7 years ago

Most women are hardly anywhere near close to menopause in their late 20s. in fact the average age for a first baby here in the uk 30 nowadays.

Miri
Miri
3 years ago

As an afab who turned 25 just a month ago (and has never read this article before), I now know why my vagina has been as dry as the Sahara and as monstrous as an ogre since my birthday. Curse you, biology!

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