Today’s Gross Dude of the Day award goes to British Baronet Benjamin Slade. The Baronet, 70 years old and looking for love or at least a reasonable facsimile of it, recently told the Daily Mail that he’s “interviewing hard” for a “fit” lady at least twenty years his junior.
He’s apparently decided that the best way to find a wife young enough to be his daughter is to say insulting things about women in general and his ex-girlfriends in particular.
“I have had a few proposals,” he assures the Mail,
but sometimes the women are past their sell-by date and have been over the guns a few times.
The “past their sell-by date” bit is a tad ironic coming from a pasty elderly dude who’s basically the human equivalent of curdled milk. At least personality-wise.
By his own account, the Baronet has had some trouble finding the younger and more attractive than him woman of his dreams.
He recently split from a woman he sometimes called his fiancee because, he says, “she is 50, so too old to have children.” Either that or she dumped his ass.
His previous gal pal, he says, “went off with my handyman in 2011, but was already showing signs of madness.”
Another previous girlfriend married a rival Lord, the Earl of Carnavon, and Ben the Baronet is apparently still quite bitter about it.
I rescued her from the back of a car, set her up in business and made her a millionaire in 18 months. … She was very difficult to live with. Good riddance to her.
Before her, he dated a woman who was working as a waitress in a cocktail bar when he met her. He picked her out, shook her up and turned her around, turned her into someone new. Now five years later on, she’s got the world at her feet …
Sorry, those are actually the lyrics to Don’t You Want Me by the Human League. I got a little confused.
Anyway, if you want to be the Baronet’s lover, you’ve got to be something of a party girl. “They have to be fit,”he told the Mail. “I am like a feudal prince when it comes to throwing parties.”
The Baronet, who desperately wants to put his ancient sperm in a fertile lady, assures all potential applicants that he is making heroic efforts to care of himself and his sperm — by hanging upside down like a bat and eating horny goat weed. No, really, he’ll be glad to explain it all to you:
I’ve bought a back stretcher and hang upside down on it for five minutes every morning. It works wonders for the chin and neckline. I also have some “sky boots” with a hook in the top so I can hang upside down. …
I am also on the Genghis Khan diet, which is recommended for young lotharios and involves eating sweet potato, sunflower seeds and horny goat weed.
It was recommended by my French nephew, who is 70 and hasn’t a single grey hair. And Genghis had 2,000 children.
I would wish Baronet Ben Slade the best of luck, but honestly I’d prefer he have no luck at all. And to any woman who finds herself being courted by Sir Slade I would recommend giving a quick listen to this song by a band that shares a name with the Baronet.
Seriously, run, run away, as far away as you can.
H/T — The Virgin Mary, in the comments here