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Women are sexual vampires who want to steal your energies (and your sperm), Reddit NoFapper warns his fellow non-wankers

This one’s clearly up to no good

By David Futrelle

The Semen Retention subreddit is a place of magic and wonder. That is, many of its inhabitants believe that the simple non-activity of not masturbating for an extended length of time gives them literal magic power. As for the wonder, well, I wonder just what it is they’re smoking.

Semen retainers, or at least a lot of them, believe that their militant non-wanking allows them to build up a vast amount of physical and psychic energy that makes them magnetically irresistible, “aligns [their] spirit with the Tao,” and even allows them to “bend reality” with their mind.

But this newfound energy brings not only joy but also real danger — from those who sense their new power and try to steal their lucky charms. Semen Retainers regularly warn their fellow non-wankers about the dangers of female “energy vampires” eager to drain their energies along with their balls.

“In a fertile state,” a semen-retaining Redditor called salinorum wrote,

women turn into a form of energetic leach in which the a woman is looking to withdraw the vital seminal fluid of a man for the purposes of reproduction.

That is possibly the least sexy sentence ever written in the English language. Somehow I doubt this guy is going to get Penthouse to publish any of his letters any time soon.

Of course not all woman want to get pregnant when they are fertile, at least consciously. But their sexual hardwiring kicks in and results in a subconscious desire to have sex with the most fit man possible. I’ve realized women are very dangerous during their fertile period, almost like a vampire or leach. Rather than thirsting for your blood, they want your good seed.

He then told a harrowing tale about some woman who, he thinks, wanted to hook up with him for his magic sperm.

I realized the power of a woman during this full moon. A woman who lives in a separate apartment in the same house as mine, kept coming around to my apartment these past couple days looking for me to initiate a hook up. I could tell she was very fertile, because likewise, a man is also attuned to a woman’s sexual fitness. All men are most attracted to women at their peak fertile period. The woman’s lips become redder, her skin glows, her pheromones are probably full blast, and she looks her absolute best versus all other stages of her ovulatory cycle.

So this woman kept coming around my apartment waiting for me to initiate.

Apparently female energy vampires, despite their hunger for sexual energy, are too shy to actually ask men if they want to fuck.

He drew the obvious lesson from this terrifying experience involving a women who talked to him a couple of times when he was very horny.

So my fellow SR brethren, be warned of women who attempt to steal your essence and seed. Your power and mental clarity is diminished in each sexual act you perform with her whether it occurs in the sheets or merely in your head. … I think I understand the term succubus better now than ever.

But women don’t just want your, er, seed, he warned his fellow non-masturbators. They want your psychic energy as well!

[W]oman are reading both your sexual and spiritual indicators which are likely communicated in your magnetic / auric field. Thus when a woman attempts to lure your sexual or mental attention towards her, she is literally withdrawing energy from both your spiritual and physical body. …

And although perhaps women are not consciously aware of their talent at reading indicators of men’s physical and spiritual fitness, it is still a language in which all women are highly attuned. Once more, choose who you give attention to wisely for there is a literal energetic extrication occurring on both the mental and physical planes!

Damn, ladies! What gives? I didn’t know any of this stuff.

I’m putting tinfoil over my junk just in case.

Send tips to dfutrelle at gmail dot com.

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Naglfar
Naglfar
2 years ago

@Moggie

Anita Sarkeesian wears huge earrings. I don’t know what this means, but it must mean something.

Time to try my hand at manosphere logicking!

Anita Sarkeesian wears giant earrings. Angry misogynists on the Internet hate her. Therefore, the earrings have tuned the iron particles to reverse and create feedback that causes men to remotely hate her.

comment image

@WMDKitty

How do these blokes feel about nocturnal emissions and sexy dreams?

I don’t know, but I would imagine they blame them on the sexy, sexy ladies vampires of the world.

Crip Dyke
2 years ago

women turn into a form of energetic leach

I think this writer doesn’t know the difference between “leech” and “leach”, much less

“an energy leech” (much less “an enervating leech”)

and
“an energetic leach”.

Sheila Crosby
Sheila Crosby
2 years ago

@Alan
My first thought was, “Anyone Can Whistle” but I don’t think the song’s well known enough for it to work.

“Whistling in the Dark”?

Alan Robertshaw
Alan Robertshaw
2 years ago

@ shiela

It’s gone in with “Whistle(blow) While You Work“; but ultimately I leave it to the editors.

But thank you for the suggestion! I have a couple more articles I need to get done; so I’ll be picking everyone’s brains again soon.

Buttercup Q. Skullpants
Buttercup Q. Skullpants
2 years ago

@ObSidJag – Thanks! 🙂 She’s my favorite, too.

[W]oman are reading both your sexual and spiritual indicators which are likely communicated in your magnetic / auric field.

Whenever there’s a solar storm, you can tell who’s nofap. It’s the guys with miniature auroras pulsing over their heads.

They walk around anxiously hoarding their energy and guarding it from thieves, like dragons coiled around their gold. But any creative accomplishment, whether it’s business, art, or a relationship, requires generosity of spirit and giving of oneself freely. What great things do they hope to achieve while hugging themselves tightly and hissing “Stay back! It’s oursssss!” at everyone they encounter?

Catalpa
Catalpa
2 years ago

I’m mainly concerned about how the no-fappers seem to think that all women are lusting after them and tempting them, and how closely this mirrors the “she was asking for it, just look at what was wearing/how she spoke to me/where she was existing etc.” rhetoric.

gijoel
gijoel
2 years ago

Reminds me of this

https://youtu.be/hvQq_tqB0jA

Seraph4377
Seraph4377
2 years ago

@ Naglfar – genitals of all kinds can suffer an uncomfortable pressure from being aroused for a long time without having an orgasm. “Arousal” is a result of increased blood flow to the area, after all.

James Hutchings
2 years ago

@Cheesynougats:

The point was the friends we made along the way.

Moggie
Moggie
2 years ago

@Buttercup:

Whenever there’s a solar storm, you can tell who’s nofap. It’s the guys with miniature auroras pulsing over their heads.

Also, balloons stick to them.

They walk around anxiously hoarding their energy and guarding it from thieves, like dragons coiled around their gold. But any creative accomplishment, whether it’s business, art, or a relationship, requires generosity of spirit and giving of oneself freely. What great things do they hope to achieve while hugging themselves tightly and hissing “Stay back! It’s oursssss!” at everyone they encounter?

They’ve learnt from capitalism.

Gaebolga
Gaebolga
2 years ago

Dave wrote:

I’m putting tinfoil over my junk just in case.

So, a tinfoil jimmy hat?

Jennifer Redmond
2 years ago

Once upon a time this viewpoint was so widespread it launched a fad, first in novels, then films: the “vamp”. It’s also closely tied with eugenics. If you’re interested – and the history is fascinating – “Evil Sisters: The Threat of Female Sexuality in Twentieth-Century Culture” by Bram Dijkstra dives deep into this.

sarah_kay_gee
sarah_kay_gee
2 years ago

I’m starting a petition to add this kind of “energy vampire” to the next season of What We Do In the Shadows. Think of the wacky hijinks potential.

Katamount
Katamount
2 years ago

…isn’t this just the folklore attached to succubi? That they take advantage of men while they sleep? I mean, if we’re going with”legendary creatures are real, yo!”, I hope they do the penanggalan next. That one’s always been my favourite in terms of sheer body horror (don’t Google it if you’re squeamish). Banshees are neat too.

Katamount
Katamount
2 years ago

…isn’t this just the folklore attached to succubi? That they take advantage of men while they sleep? I mean, if we’re going with”legendary creatures are real, yo!”, I hope they do the penanggalan next. That one’s always been my favourite in terms of sheer body horror (don’t Google it if you’re squeamish). Banshees are neat too.

(apologies if this double-posts)

AsAboveSoBelow
AsAboveSoBelow
2 years ago

comment image

Plagued by vampires? Eat more garlic, maybe. Also, I read “semen retention” as “semen retribution,” which makes as much sense as reality-bending Taoist sperm powers.

Naglfar
Naglfar
2 years ago

I wonder if we’ll get any semen retaining trolls. At the very least, they’ll be more entertaining than the hit and run Peterson stans.

Allandrel
Allandrel
2 years ago

@Katamount

There’s a penangalan in the miniatures game Malifaux. People have had a lot of fun with painting the model, trying out different methods to get the best texture, wetness look, and appearance of various fluids.

Shadowplay
2 years ago

@Alan

“You were only supposed to blow the bloody lid off.”

@Naglfar

“…the hit and run Peterson stans.”

I read that as stains and thought “How appropriate.”

Talonknife
Talonknife
2 years ago

These guys realize they involuntary ejaculate in their sleep, right? How does that affect their ideology?

Jenora Feuer
Jenora Feuer
2 years ago

@Sheila Crosby:
You know, They Might Be Giants’ “Whistling in the Dark” would be more appropriate to the NoFappers than to Alan:

A woman came up to me and said
“I’d like to poison your mind
With wrong ideas that appeal to you
Though I am not unkind.”
[…]

Naglfar
Naglfar
2 years ago

@Talonknife
The vampires have invaded their sleep and are stealing their precious bodily fluids!

Victorious Parasol
Victorious Parasol
2 years ago

If their “arguments” were persuasive, they wouldn’t need to keep repeating them so frequently.

Ohlmann
Ohlmann
2 years ago

That post resonate darkly within me due to the number of time I wondered if someone was trying to express interest or if I was imagining things.

I guess the upside is that he didn’t rape her.

Pie
Pie
2 years ago

@Talonknife

These guys realize they involuntary ejaculate in their sleep, right?

Maybe they stick a cork in it. CHECKMATE, FEMINISTS.

If they _don’t_ actually stick a cork in it, maybe someone should surreptitiously suggest such a thing on their subreddit. Turns out there are a range of “suitable” commercial products already!

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