Categories
bad science evil sex-having women evil sexy ladies men who should not ever be with women ever misogyny NoFap reddit semen

Women are sexual vampires who want to steal your energies (and your sperm), Reddit NoFapper warns his fellow non-wankers

This one’s clearly up to no good

By David Futrelle

The Semen Retention subreddit is a place of magic and wonder. That is, many of its inhabitants believe that the simple non-activity of not masturbating for an extended length of time gives them literal magic power. As for the wonder, well, I wonder just what it is they’re smoking.

Semen retainers, or at least a lot of them, believe that their militant non-wanking allows them to build up a vast amount of physical and psychic energy that makes them magnetically irresistible, “aligns [their] spirit with the Tao,” and even allows them to “bend reality” with their mind.

But this newfound energy brings not only joy but also real danger — from those who sense their new power and try to steal their lucky charms. Semen Retainers regularly warn their fellow non-wankers about the dangers of female “energy vampires” eager to drain their energies along with their balls.

“In a fertile state,” a semen-retaining Redditor called salinorum wrote,

women turn into a form of energetic leach in which the a woman is looking to withdraw the vital seminal fluid of a man for the purposes of reproduction.

That is possibly the least sexy sentence ever written in the English language. Somehow I doubt this guy is going to get Penthouse to publish any of his letters any time soon.

Of course not all woman want to get pregnant when they are fertile, at least consciously. But their sexual hardwiring kicks in and results in a subconscious desire to have sex with the most fit man possible. I’ve realized women are very dangerous during their fertile period, almost like a vampire or leach. Rather than thirsting for your blood, they want your good seed.

He then told a harrowing tale about some woman who, he thinks, wanted to hook up with him for his magic sperm.

I realized the power of a woman during this full moon. A woman who lives in a separate apartment in the same house as mine, kept coming around to my apartment these past couple days looking for me to initiate a hook up. I could tell she was very fertile, because likewise, a man is also attuned to a woman’s sexual fitness. All men are most attracted to women at their peak fertile period. The woman’s lips become redder, her skin glows, her pheromones are probably full blast, and she looks her absolute best versus all other stages of her ovulatory cycle.

So this woman kept coming around my apartment waiting for me to initiate.

Apparently female energy vampires, despite their hunger for sexual energy, are too shy to actually ask men if they want to fuck.

He drew the obvious lesson from this terrifying experience involving a women who talked to him a couple of times when he was very horny.

So my fellow SR brethren, be warned of women who attempt to steal your essence and seed. Your power and mental clarity is diminished in each sexual act you perform with her whether it occurs in the sheets or merely in your head. … I think I understand the term succubus better now than ever.

But women don’t just want your, er, seed, he warned his fellow non-masturbators. They want your psychic energy as well!

[W]oman are reading both your sexual and spiritual indicators which are likely communicated in your magnetic / auric field. Thus when a woman attempts to lure your sexual or mental attention towards her, she is literally withdrawing energy from both your spiritual and physical body. …

And although perhaps women are not consciously aware of their talent at reading indicators of men’s physical and spiritual fitness, it is still a language in which all women are highly attuned. Once more, choose who you give attention to wisely for there is a literal energetic extrication occurring on both the mental and physical planes!

Damn, ladies! What gives? I didn’t know any of this stuff.

I’m putting tinfoil over my junk just in case.

Send tips to dfutrelle at gmail dot com.

We Hunted the Mammoth relies entirely on readers like you for its survival. If you appreciate our work, please send a few bucks our way! Thanks!

79 Comments
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Bina
2 years ago

Repeat after me, fellas:

SORE BALLS ARE NOT A SUPERPOWER.

Cheesynougats
Cheesynougats
2 years ago

So you’re telling me all those days of being kicked in the nadgers was a waste of time?

Aron
Aron
2 years ago

Wut?

Mexican Hot Chocolate
Mexican Hot Chocolate
2 years ago

So is there an anti-Penthouse magazine that no-fappers write into? Dear Anti-Penthouse, You’ll never believe what happened to me today. The statuesque blonde who lives in my building came around wearing nothing but a silk robe and a smile, looking for a good time. I bravely resisted the urge to fuck her and then, after she left, bravely resisted the urge to masturbate to sexual fantasies about her. I believe I’ll soon become an Ascended Master at the Gold Premium Diamond Plus Level.

Yours,
Aching Blue Balls

Moggie
Moggie
2 years ago

Women have tiny iron particles naturally embedded in their inner ears. When a man’s magnetic field passes by, this induces minuscule electric currents in the woman’s cochleae, which allows her to detect his sexual potency. This is just science.

Paradoxical Intention - Resident Cheeseburger Slut

I sincerely think this man is confused about the difference between a vampire and a succubus, and if someone is “trying to get them to fuck you” vs. “Maybe just thought you were nice and wanted to hang out” or “Just came over for a cup of sugar”.

Cat Mara
Cat Mara
2 years ago

For dark reasons of its own, my brain is now insisting I stay up late and compose a filk called “NoFap” to the tune of the B-52s’ “Love Shack”… must… resist…

?The NoFap is a dreary place
Where we can rant and blather
NoFap bayy-yay-bee…?

D’oh!

Moggie
Moggie
2 years ago

I’ve realized women are very dangerous during their fertile period, almost like a vampire or leach.

I know about the danger of vampires, but what’s dangerous about leeches? If a leech takes a shine to you, it’ll squick you out a bit, and the bite might itch afterwards, but it’s rarely harmful.

Lizzie
Lizzie
2 years ago

So, Moggie, am interested to learn about the iron particles in my inner ears, do you think that when I am touching my earrings during the day that I am maybe unconsciously tuning my receptors ?? Am unclear on the science here. And would bigger earrings work better? Enquiringly minds want to know! Thank you in advance

Alan Robertshaw
2 years ago

I’m sure there’s a “Vampires need to be invited to come inside” joke to be had here somehow.

On a different and O/T topic, but in lieu of an open thread, may I ask for title help again?

This time it’s for an article about Whistleblowers; and the legal protections for them.

Ta.

Naglfar
Naglfar
2 years ago

The semen retainers get even cultier.

@Alan Robertshaw
Some ideas:
Blow the whistle without getting blown up
Get the word out and stay out of trouble
Stay on your feet after you tweet

Also, possible TMI question:
Do cis men actually get testicular pain if they don’t ejaculate for long periods of time? I’m AMAB and have testicles, but somehow have never had this problem. Is there something unusual about that?

Buttercup Q. Skullpants
Buttercup Q. Skullpants
2 years ago

Five bucks says the woman coming around his apartment was the landlord, looking for last month’s rent.

Once more, choose who you give attention to wisely for there is a literal energetic extrication occurring on both the mental and physical planes!

Why doesn’t this apply to men, though? Surely men are out there seeking attention, and looking to drain a little of that sweet mystical Rosicrucian nofap ley line energy for themselves.

David J
David J
2 years ago

@Naglfar

Blueballs are mostly metaphorical.

Naglfar
Naglfar
2 years ago

@David J
Ah. That makes much more sense.

QuantumInc
QuantumInc
2 years ago

I am reminded of the “fake geek girl” panic of many years ago. They didn’t use the word vampire, but they took the phrase “She feeds off attention” way too literally. I understand that an insecure guy will feel emotionally drained after meeting an attractive woman. This just makes it clear they are trying to rationalize their insecurity and neurosis in a way that blames the woman for their feelings.

ObSidJag
ObSidJag
2 years ago

it is still a language in which all women are highly attuned

Oh, really, Mr. Braintrust? That will certainly come as a surprise to my vehemently lesbian partner, to say nothing of the asexual women out there, but, then, what can one expect from the Encyclopedia Britannica: Ass-Facts Volume?

@BQS:
“drain a little of that sweet mystical Rosicrucian nofap ley line energy for themselves.”
What can I say but wow–once again, Buttercup for the win (but, then, she always was my favorite Powerbuff Girl).

galanx
galanx
2 years ago

“I know about the danger of vampires, but what’s dangerous about leeches? If a leech takes a shine to you, it’ll squick you out a bit, and the bite might itch afterwards, but it’s rarely harmful.”
It’s possible that the poster meant “lich”, a sorcerer too powerful to die who controls other undead.
No, sorry, looking at the original it’s probably just a misspelling of leech.

Lumipuna
Lumipuna
2 years ago

Do cis men actually get testicular pain if they don’t ejaculate for long periods of time?

Hardly, since semen is stored in the prostate and not testicles. The usual wisdom seems to be that extended abstinence gives you spontaneous ejaculations, if you’re not getting those otherwise. I think sperm might also leak out gradually, mixed with urine or something?

Blueballs are mostly metaphorical.

It’s not even recognized in my culture, but I thought English “blue balls” refers to this weird passing frustrated feeling when you’re sexually very exited for a while and then can’t ejaculate? It’s not pain and it’s not really located in the balls. I suppose some men might suffer from a painful prolonged erection, which might or might not release after ejaculation.

WMDKitty
WMDKitty
2 years ago

So, uh… morbid curiosity compels me, and I apologize in advance to everyone who never wanted to think about any of this in any level of detail.

How do these blokes feel about nocturnal emissions and sexy dreams?

Dalaila
Dalaila
2 years ago

“Blue balls” refers to prostate pain after a prolonged period of not ejaculating. I guess it feels like it’s in your balls? However it does not affect all men/amabs.
A friend decided to edge for a week, & after 5 days was in so much pain he couldn’t continue. My partner, on the other hand, can routinely go a week of edging without any pain.

dust bunny
dust bunny
2 years ago

re: sore balls

My ex was opposed to getting a vasectomy on the basis that there’s a low risk the testicled person’s anatomy doesn’t adapt to not being able to expel the produced sperm due to the vas being blocked and chronic, possibly untreatable pain may develop. I looked it up and it seemed legitimate. Wikipedia or some such source I saw says it usually but not always goes away with time or, if necessary, with a reversal of the vasectomy. Still, a low risk of a low risk of chronic pain was unacceptable to him.

So it’s not entirely a myth that testicles can get sore if sperm doesn’t get out of them. Idk if this is has been documented to ever happen just from not ejaculating, though.

ImNotOriginal
ImNotOriginal
2 years ago

“Thus when a woman attempts to lure your sexual or mental attention towards her, she is literally withdrawing energy from both your spiritual and physical body. …“

As a man…Sign me right up.

Moggie
Moggie
2 years ago

@Alan, how about “Whistle while you work for the future”? See how down with the kids I am, referencing a song from 1937?

Moggie
Moggie
2 years ago

@Lizzie:

So, Moggie, am interested to learn about the iron particles in my inner ears, do you think that when I am touching my earrings during the day that I am maybe unconsciously tuning my receptors ?? Am unclear on the science here. And would bigger earrings work better? Enquiringly minds want to know! Thank you in advance

Those are excellent questions! This needs further research. Could you put together a grant proposal? I’ll need to be principal investigator, of course, as a man.

Data point: Anita Sarkeesian wears huge earrings. I don’t know what this means, but it must mean something.

Alan Robertshaw
2 years ago

@ naglfar and moggie

Thank you!

1 2 3 4
%d bloggers like this: