By David Futrelle
We live in a dark, cynical world, and so it’s nice sometimes to be reminded that there are still decent, considerate people around.
Then there are dudes like the one who sent this DM:
I have so many questions about this, but perhaps the most pressing one is: Why on earth did this guy capitalize the word “Brim?”
I mean, seriously, dude, no woman is going to go for a guy who can’t control his shift key.
H/T — r/badwomensanatomy
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Well, cringe achieved. Unfortunately, that’s NOT the reaction of a satisfied sexual partner.
I’ve got a feeling that whoever this was addressed to stayed virginal, at least as far as this guy is concerned.
To be fair he has made me cringe
I mean look at this sexy masterpiece its so hot I’m freezing
The lyrics to Weird Al Yankovic’s spoof of both Prince and cheesy pick-up lines, “Wanna B Ur Lovr”….
http://weirdal.wikia.com/wiki/Wanna_B_Ur_Lovr
….are waaaaaaayyyyyyy sexier and hotter than THIS!
This; However….Would only be sexy if you were a Vogon but even Vogon poetry isn’t as gross and/or ridiculous as this!
What’s with this guy? Is this some sick satire of “erotic sexy talk” made to sound as revolting as possible?
Is he trying to be the second coming of James Joyce in regards to weird, fetishy “love notes” (I’m not fetish-shaming, mind you. If consenting people enjoy farts, to each their own)?
He’s imagining penetrating this person and simultaneously inhaling their “pussy farts.” How would his face be so close to his crotch? Is this some sort of armadillo man?
That’s a good point. I think this guy makes Vogon poetry look good, and that in itself is quite disturbing.
I barely know a thing about that Hitchhikers show but I know enough from web-surfing about the meme concerning Vogon poetry.
I agree that this would be torture for a Vogon.
I also love your userpic. KITTY!
Technically, Vogon poetry is the second worst thing in the universe any living being could ever endure.
The worst is a certain type of human poetry (the author references an obscure poet in the book from what I recall, I read hitchhikers like 15 years ago). Case in point, see above.
That’s why earth is considered “mostly” harmless. Harmless, outside of certain ear-bleeding, mind-melting human poetry.
If you want some more Vogon poetry, check this out.
https://www.xfamily.org/index.php/Mountin_Maid
300 lines of doggerel from a horny cult leader about why God wants women to bare their breasts.
@Jane Done, Vogon poetry is the third worst. The worst depends on whether you listened to the original broadcast, where it’s Paul Neil Milne Johnstone, who was a real poet, or Paula Nancy Millstone Jennings, after Johnstone objected.
someone programmed their neural network to generate porn, right?
personally, I preferred the pick up lines http://aiweirdness.com/post/159302925452/the-neural-network-generated-pickup-lines-that-are
@ Kobun37
Vaginal flatulence is a thing, though I’d rather not go into further detail. I’m still reeling from how far the author of the DM lowered the tone of things already.
So. A vagina is only tight if the person who owns it is tense.
Good foreplay with good stimulation, a trusted partner who listens and active participation of the person with the vagina will loosen up everything down there.
And make a much more enjoyable experience for everyone involved.
In other words: Men, if you’re penetrating someone and their vagina is tight you’re doing it wrong!
@Moggie: I didn’t know that, about Hitchhiker’s Guide. Interesting. I had to go Wiki it.
@Z&T:. Those old ads are so sunny and cheery. I wish we could have a return to those days, in that respect.
Commercials -at least in the US – used to appeal to the common man and woman. Now, they’ve got to be all edgy and ironic. Does no one ever play it straight, these days?
But I digress.
@Dormousing_it:
I listened to HHGTTG when it was first broadcast, and I remember becoming unreasonably upset when they later changed that line. They had sullied the perfection of the original series! In my defence, I was young. And stupid.
@Knitting Cat Lady: fact-based, science-based female anatomy doesn’t real for basically any guy right of left. Instead, whatever some dude makes up is how the woman’s body actually works.
Since this dude used all the other euphemisms so horrendously, I chose to believe that this passage doesn’t refer to sex at all and is instead describing some kind of weird new oil drilling technology. That involves farting cats.
I have mp3s of the broadcast version. I think they’re due for another listen soon!
Hu’s On First – I clicked the link. Oh sweet Christmas would that I had not.
In 1767, Edward Jerningham wrote “Il Latte”, a poetic exhortation in twenty five quatrains, supporting the practice of mothers nursing their children at their own breasts. This is far beyond that in sheer mammolatry.
You can want whatever you want, DM writer. That won’t make it happen.
You can pretend to exert your power with your rapey talk. That won’t make it real.
And if you actually carry out — or even attempt to carry out — your rapey fantasy, there is some chance that you’ll end up in prison.
That would be so sad! Boo-hoo!
DM writer, I forgot to mention that vaginal flatulence doesn’t involve any odor — not unless the owner of that vagina has a serious medical issue. It’s just an expulsion of air.
Think about it: the vagina is not the anus.
I hate to disappoint you, but no “stank air” is involved.
I wonder if this guy is actually basing the description on his personal experience with rubber blow-up dolls, rather than actual humans.
I would guess that their “tight pockets” would squeak and fart much as balloons do. Also that they might get a bit rancid if not cleaned carefully between, um, usage – and somehow I can’t envisage the writer of that, uh, screed, as a hygiene fanatic.
Come to think, I wonder if that’s not also where the cuck obsessives get their strange idea that semen stays in for years after the sex has been had… because with a rubber lover, it would do.
I mean, ewwww obviously, but less so than the idea of them getting into it with a sentient being.
All the writer has added in order to imagine the involvement of an actual woman is to get off on the idea of how much it will hurt her…. so better stick to the rubber, so to speak.
I wish this had never pentetrated my tight virgin brainhole.
The greatness of your posts cannot bee praised enough and LAUGHTER is best medicine against “Vogon Erotic Poetry”.
@Marshmallow Stacey Maximal (formerly bluecat)
That explains EVERYTHING about these guys and their weird ideas about sexual anatomy, biology and function!