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Guys! Stop ‘bating because it will make your hands soft and ladylike, Return of Kings warns

Turns out that hairy palms are the least of your worries, guys!

By David Futrelle

Professional “pickup artists” tend to have a thing against masturbation, largely because (one suspects) men who are not continually sexually frustrated are less receptive to their nonsense PUA teachings. And so it’s hardly surprising to find an anti-masturbation tirade on Roosh V’s crap site Return of Kings today, filled with cherry-picked science and assorted weird leaps of logic intended to prove that masturbation is very very bad for men.

Overall the post, written by a self-proclaimed “licensed personal trainer, martial artist, musician, writer, and (barely) a video reviewer and cartoonist” named Larsen Halleck, is a pretty standard example of its very particular genre.

But there’s one part of the post that strikes me as original. Seems that one of the reasons masturbation is such a bad idea for manly men is that … it makes their hands unpleasingly soft. You know, because of all the lotion.

“[W]omen are just not attracted to buttery soft, womanly hands,” Halleck declares.

In my personal experience, women love to feel the calluses upon a man’s hands, and just one lotion-soaked fap session a week will take away from the sexy, alligator-like roughness of your palms.

So fellas, forget all you’ve heard about masturbation making hair grow on your palms. Apparently it actually turns your manly man hands into lady hands.

Of course, Halleck’s advice isn’t exactly useful for those dudes whose hands have already turned “buttery soft,” and who don’t have time enough to get them all callousy before their next hot date. Luckily there is another option: stop by the local hardware store to get yourself some sandpaper-coated sanding gloves like, say, these.

Take my word for it, fellas, the ladies love to be sanded down and buffed like an old dresser you found in the alley.

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occasional reader
occasional reader
5 years ago

Hello.

Bah, being told by a wanker not to masturbate is kind of funny paradox. And that just remind me of the “Every sperm is sacred” song by the Monty Python. Except the later is fun, the former is a(n?) hypocritical bullshit pulled out from a place where the sun has never shined.

women love to feel the calluses upon a man’s hands

Yeah, and they also probably love the rigidity of the knuckles, which is probably why your kind often call to beat them down.

sexy, alligator-like roughness

The sexiness of the alligator skin roughness has sense only for other alligators (or crocodile, as it is caïman the same thing – ah, that is not working in english, too bad). Except maybe if you cosplay an alligator. If furries cosplay fur animals, how do you call those whose cosplay former-reptile-now-birds’-brother caïcrocolligator ? Leatheries ?

Have a nice day.

Alan Robertshaw
5 years ago

@ occasional reader

alligators (or crocodile, as it is caïman the same thing –

Alligators see you later, and crocodiles see you in a while.

Axecalibur: Middle Name Danger
Axecalibur: Middle Name Danger
5 years ago

@or

how do you call those whose cosplay former-reptile-now-birds’-brother caïcrocolligator ? Leatheries ?

Furries but for reptiles are called ‘scalies’, I think. No idea about bird enthusiasts…

LindsayIrene
5 years ago

I don’t understand this alligator thing, my work calluses are not remotely gatorish.

Nacirema
Nacirema
5 years ago

I really wish I can go to the alternate dimension where just using lotion can get ride of calluses. I been trying to get ride of a callus on my finger for years and it still won’t come off.

occasional reader
occasional reader
5 years ago

> Alan Robertshaw
Well, i have heard that a famous crocodile once said : “I’ve played in Crocodile Dundee, i gavial my best, and alligators this Tshirt…”

> Axecalibur: Middle Name Danger
Thank you for the informations ! I guess that with a sword and blindfolded, they can make great judges.
As for the bird enthousiasts, if they jump a lot, maybe they are birdy flippers ?

katz
5 years ago

I’ve played in Crocodile Dundee, I gavial my best, and alligators this T-shirt…

It’ll be o-caiman.

Kellie
Kellie
4 years ago

I’m pretty sure most women (that is, most straight/bi/pan women) prefer men with soft hands, for obvious reasons. 😉

FabianPrewett
FabianPrewett
4 years ago

@Kellie

I’m pretty sure most women (that is, most straight/bi/pan women) prefer men with soft hands, for obvious reasons. ?

Yup! 🙂

I must admit to have been really confused by the headline. Sorry if this is TMI, but I wondered if this was linked to the old theory that semen is good for your skin. Then I read the article and remembered that the vast majority of American men are circumcised (unlike British men) and would need some form of lubrication in order to masturbate (unlike British men). Not my finest hour.

Is hand cream always the preferred option? Doesn’t it sting?

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