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Open Thread for Personal Stuff: May 2017 Cat Bird Edition

Apparently these two are best buddies; the kitten won’t eat the bird when it wakes up

A somewhat belated Open Thread for Personal Stuff. No trolls, no MRAs, no mean stuff. Email me if anything gets weird.

For an open thread to talk Trump, go here!

For a non-Trump open thread, go here!

176 replies on “Open Thread for Personal Stuff: May 2017 Cat Bird Edition”

Oh man I can relate a lot to the stress of going on a cruise boat being surrounded by hundreds of miles of water is kind of terrifying to me. And man being stuck in a hospital, I’ve read a lot of horror stories about just that subject, so lots of hugs if you want them.

I can also relate to that a lot, I’ve hid in the library quite a bit during my first two quarters. I don’t know what your professors are like but it may be a good idea to contact them if you think they’ll be open to listening about your problems. Also is there a disability resource center or counselor on campus where you could go to talk about this sort of anxiety and fear your experiencing?
Edit: also I failed my gen ed courses too so if that helps at all, that’s certainly there

@everyone wishing me well
Thank you, but I go thru those emotions a lot, so I know that can get a bit annoying if I bring it up a lot and not make progress with it, so is it okay if I bring it up every now and again? because I get depressed for a lot of admittedly stupid reasons.

Thank you so much for breaking that down and explaining it to me, I’m typically scared to talk about social justice with people because I feel they won’t take me seriously or say I shouldn’t worry about it. You going thru my beliefs and helping explain things to me was very nice, and I thank you for using your time on that. I think more then anything I need to hear that social justice was about removing the burden entirely not carrying it yourself.

Edit: wrote this before seeing several other people responses hence why they aren’t called out like axe


“Thank you, but I go thru those emotions a lot, so I know that can get a bit annoying if I bring it up a lot and not make progress with it, so is it okay if I bring it up every now and again? because I get depressed for a lot of admittedly stupid reasons.”

Sure, the people here tend to be really supportive of each other, practically to a fault. HOWEVER, you’re not likely to get better until you learn how to soothe yourself, and not “depend” on the folks of WHTM to soothe you, if that makes sense. 🙂

Oh, and don’t feel bad, or let others make you feel bad, if you can’t soothe yourself right away. It’s something that’s gained over time, not something that happens in a short period of time. Just keep putting one proverbial foot in front of the other, and trust that even if you stumble you’ll eventually get there if you just keep on walking. 🙂


Thank you so much for breaking that down and explaining it to me

Anytime, fam 🙂

I’m typically scared to talk about social justice with people because I feel they won’t take me seriously or say I shouldn’t worry about it

‘Get over it’ are 3 of the worst words in the English language. Learn to deal with it, absolutely. Channel that worry outwards. But feeling the way you do is valid. Nobody has the right to tell you otherwise

You going thru my beliefs and helping explain things to me was very nice, and I thank you for using your time on that

Trust me, I had literally nothing better to do. By which I mean there’s nothing I would rather have been doing. You seem a swell fella and you matter 😀

I think more then anything I need to hear that social justice was about removing the burden entirely not carrying it yourself

Like, I’m a conceited little shit, and I agree. I’m rather proud of that line myself 😁

How do you stop hoping for something? Hope has become toxic. It would be easier if I could act like it’s not going to happen so I can just find a way to deal with that. I don’t see this part of my life becoming repairable, and it’s no one’s fault.

It’s also difficult to talk about because I don’t know how. I want to but it’s too similar to what people this community mocks whines about, but I’m not interacting with the problem the way they do (possible intamacy incompatibility, lots of parts to the situation). But it still seems like a difficult issue to discuss here.

I have no one else to talk to about this (no therapist yet), I minimize what I feel so I don’t add to her misplaced feelings of guilt, and I feel like I’m spiraling. I don’t know what to do or how to talk about it.


Talk about it. Nobody here is going to make fun of you because we aren’t dicks, I promise.

@Brony – I, too, have felt like hope was a joke that just makes things worse. You can talk here.

Good news: I’ve been feeling less suicidal today thanks to everyone’s support!
Bad News: I’m feeling really damn cynical and jaded about everything. (particularly about memes (because I don’t get them and can’t relate to other people my age because of that), people majoring in the arts or histories or english (because I have trouble seeing purpose in a cold world that doesn’t appreciate those things), punching nazis (which I have an entire cynical rant saved for), popular culture (again cause I can’t get into it [partially due to low self-esteem] and thus can’t relate to other people my age) and probably other things)
so umm… I guess two steps forward one step back… but anyway who wants to verbally slap me for being like this

Edit: Also! @brony
You’re a really cool dude, and I am more then willing to listen about why you feel hoping is crappy.

@Overly Long Name:
Firstly, your name is not overly long. I don’t believe for a minute that you judge and dismiss other people here on the brevity of their name. I, for one, would enjoy seeing you extend your username further (examples/suggestions: Director’s Cut; Extended Play Version; Christmas Edition, etc – if you don’t feel you are entitled yet to take a descriptor from one of the trollrants here, also a common practice).
mrex had it right when they said (paraphrased, my interpretation) that its not a good idea for you or any of us here to rely on this forum as a self soothing mechanism (and not go beyond self soothing), but my experience is that the commenters here reinforce the positive things we do to deal with our situations, and remind us that our jerkbrains lie.
I am going through my most disabling depression in a 40 year history of depressions ATM, and it is the commentary here that has dragged me back to the point where I can consider seeking treatment again rather than just waiting until I die.
Sorry, that got a bit grim. But other people here, and you, Overly, have reminded me by your examples that even when I feel I am totally numb, the bit of me that has carried on regardless is still here.

@Overly Long Name

I really urge you to call a suicide hotline immediately. Even if you are not feeling suicidal this instant, you should call and they would welcome your call. The commenters here are supportive, but they are not trained responders. You’re not doing yourself any favors by relying on untrained Internet strangers for your support system, and it’s unfair on the Internet strangers to make them responsible for your support.

I’m glad you feel better today than you did yesterday and I’m glad the commenters here were able to help you, but I want you to call a suicide hotline immediately. Like, right now. The moment you read these words, I want you to go to Google and type in “suicide hotline” + whatever country you are in and call that number. You need a professional, trained helper and nobody here fits that description.

You don’t need to be in crisis mode to call a hotline, so please do it right now.

Okay call a suicide hotline and learn to self sooth got it, I most the time write these things place because I feel I need to say them to someone to make them feel better so maybe calling a suicide hotline would be the best idea.


I am going through my most disabling depression in a 40 year history of depressions ATM

I love how this is happening to a bunch of us at the same time, though, admittedly, in different forms.

@ Fran, Oogly:
I do love that when it comes down hard upon us, we can speak honestly about it here, because it can be so damn disheartening to speak about it elsewhere.
@ Brony, you too. Grief for a thing that is irrevocably altered or gone is hard enough without being expected to be hopeful it can come back. Keep rationing your hope to the things that can improve, because they are still here.

@Overly Long Name

Here is a secret of suicidal ideation: most of the time what we feel suicidal “about” is a red herring and a distraction. We feel suicidal because we feel suicidal, but the brain says, “I wouldn’t feel this way without a reason; that would be irrational.” So it serves up some kind of plausible explanation for the feelings and deceives us.

If this is your situation, getting reassurance from others about the explanation is not helpful, even though it may feel that way. You say you get suicidal often. I’m very sorry that you have to deal with that, but if it comes often then that says that whatever strategy you are using does not successfully treat the underlying cause of the feelings. It’s possible to get into a toxic cycle with suicidal ideation, wherein we feel suicidal, seek reassurance from others, obtain it, feel better, and assume that the reassurance caused the feeling better and come to rely more and more heavily on others for the reassurance.

Please call a hotline if you haven’t already, and obtain real treatment for the real cause of your symptoms.

I’m not sure where to begin, I guess some general info about us could work. I’m going to try to talk about this without being insensitive to people related to these issues. If I fail I want to know. No matter how this ends up she’s the person I want to grow old with, our relationship is based in lots of things. The situation has been one of choosing which pain because it sucks for both of us either way. We have been together since high school, more than 20 years now.

I know what I wish could happen, but I don’t think the chances are good so I’m trying to figure out how to deal.

I’m on the “hypersexual” end of things. The scare quotes indicate that it’s diagnosis and a way of describing tendencies. It’s like a regularly appearing sensation in my perception that looks for places to find and connect to sexual experiences. It has made it difficult to focus on what I need to do from time to time and sometimes I simply cannot sleep when it’s turned on. With respect to other people it’s under my control. If anything I’m usually more tentative about related things socially (outside of my chosen politics) than most people. There is a whole world of sexual experience that I wish I could have, but life and society did not really do much to support that and I’m doing the best I can where I am.

She has always less of a sex drive than me. That’s not been a thing that I have tried to judge because we don’t always get choice here and there are other potentially complicating issues (for her childhood abuse, raised “old fashioned”, introverted-subtype BPD/clinical depression). Throughout our relationship I can’t say that I’ve had a satisfying sex life, but we did have one and our relationship compromises worked. Or it looked like they worked from my perspective. She is in the process of trying to figure out things and I have very few assumptions that I can make.

Over the last ten years things started changing and it’s hard for me to point to any particular thing as a cause of anything. I lost a career (and started showing signs of depression) that I spent over a decade preparing for and floundered for three years trying to become a school science teacher. That ended up giving me anxiety and PTSD symptoms that took a year of therapy to get out of. It took another year after that to finally find a job of some kind and the long term unemployment did horrible things to me that I’m trying to repair. I was pretty socially isolated in meat-space during this time as well, something that we both struggle with as people with socially impulsive diagnoses (we take mental conditions pretty seriously). She was unaccustomed to being the primary money-earner, let alone the only one. It took a toll on both of us.

Her desire went down from the low that it was to currently nothing, and we’ve managed to tie a whole lot of anxiety and negativity into sex in general (both of us, probably over more than a decade of habits). At one point she was exploring the possibility that she was asexual, but she does not believe that is the case. I can’t rule it out inside. Right now she is trying to get a hormone profile done and we are both looking for new therapists.

It’s difficult to express what it feels like to be the way that I am, even at 40, with the kinds of people this community tends to deal with. It’s like always starving to an extent. Self-service makes the feeling go away for hours but sex can make it go away for a day or more. At one point she offered opening up the relationship, but then we discovered that she was only doing that for me and that did not go farthur than reading about such relationships. It’s a fair thing to be unable to deal with since society screwed us both up here.

Since I always have to suppress urges I’ve been able to live with it to an extent and be happy with what I had. But the last two years or so things have become harder. I find myself trying to accept that I may not have a sexual relationship anymore. That is on top of fixing myself where I am broken if tha’s not the case, something I can’t do while she is figuring things out. There is nothing sexual and positive in my life right now, it’s been that way for a while, and I can’t shut this thing in my head off.

I’ve made my choices and now it’s a matter of enduring the one I picked out of two bad choices (for lots of reasons this is the right choice). I’m still trying to act like it will get better but that is less and less easy to do. If I had a solid “answer” I could direct my energy at that but I feel like I have nothing I can do and that might be worse than no more sex life. I’ve mostly been the one to find social energy to drive us in a more positive direction in our relationship and I can’t do that.

I’m sure there is more but this is long and I have to post it at some point.


“We are sorry but Medical does not cover the paramedics fee.”

“Congrats on living, now pay up.” It’s been barely two weeks since she’s been out of the hospital, why can’t she and I take life saving services for granted?

@ ooglyboggles

Wow man, that sucks. To be honest it’s borderline incomprehensible to me that you should have to pay for medical treatment. But at least your aunt is out of hospital and hopefully on the mend. Are there ways they can enforce the payment, or can you tell them to F Off?

@Alan Robertshaw
If there was any route available to reduce/remove need to pay I’m not aware of it. The original plan was since she is classified as a senior and had a health card that’d mean she wouldn’t have to pay. That didn’t work, the fact that the receptionists did not offer nor tell us any method to avoid payment of services did not help either.

Later I’ll have to ask other relatives who know more about medical insurance if there’s some loophole my aunt can use.

I am also going through a slight relapse of my depression. I am seeing a therapist and have started on antidepressants again. I have also recently been granted help with some of the housework so that my fiance should be able to focus more on her career.


Massive amounts of hugs to everyone who want some.


“and learn to self sooth”

Sounds good. Have a plan? With steps? They don’t have to ne in some particular order.

If not, make a plan with your psychologist. If you have one already, go over it with your psychologist.

After reading POMs post, “reassure” is a lot better word than “soothe”.

Fun times, I got like 3 hours of sleep last night because there is an open thread on the internet and it must be checked. You know, sometimes I manage a better facsimile of humanity, but I try to stick with a script.

Looks like self-imposed permabreak time. Do all of us a favor and if you see my face again, do not talk, do not unmoderate, do not pass go.

@Brony: I’m sorry. As you’ve said, there are no easy answers in your situation. I just wanted you to know that I read your post and I feel for you both, even though I have nothing useful to offer you.

@Oogly: I am glad your aunt out of the hospital. Your story re: Medicaid is infuriating.

@Lanariel: I hope the meds do their job and you feel better soon.

@mrex: I didn’t want to violate your wishes for non-engagement, but I also didn’t want to leave your post entirely unacknowledged, lest you come back to look at this thread and think that people either didn’t care that you were leaving or actively wanted you gone. That might not be how your mind works, but that’s what I would think in that situation. So I’ll just say, once and only once, your contributions will be missed, but good for you for making the right decisions for your own wellbeing. Go and do what’s right for you. I promise not to engage with your posts in future if you come back.

I appreciate that, thank you.

I was starting to wonder if my problem was hard, or if I was doing something problematic and no one was sure how to explain. It helps to know that I’m at least doing everything I can. Hopefully venting can at least burn some social stress that makes posting hard generally.

@ Viscaria the Cheese Hog

Yeah, I’ll probably lurk over here once in a while to see if overly posts an update and because I enjoy reading the commentary.

That was incredibly thoughtful and sweet of you to take the time to worry about what I would think. Since I suck at words I’ll just keep it simple- thank you. And I’m fine. 🙂

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